Living close to exH

[HelpWendy]

Hi all,

This maybe should be in the separation thread - please move if it should be.

A strange one and I would be very glad to hear your views.

I am separating from my husband, still living in the same house (which he will inherit) - it’s okay - weekends are tough, as pretty much pretending with two small kids.

I’ve been looking at a house and have been out bid. The market is mental at the moment and I live in an expensive rural area. Kids are in good schools and have a lot of friends etc. As do I. I work three days a week and am reasonably financially independent, though lacking a large chunk of money to make a move easy, we can only wish.

Anyway, so I’ve been outbid, cannot justify or afford how much a house will cost. The repayments would be insane and I would crush under the pressure I think and be even less available to my young kids. There is an alternative though, be it a very odd one, or maybe it isn’t and I have to change my perspective.

I have a 15 acre field in my name beside the house, so large enough and with a separate entrance. The alternative would be to try to get planning for a house (hopefully tricky enough) and build something for much much less, which I can afford with exH help. The kids 6 and 3 would be near their Dad, who is a wonderful father and also not be completely wrenched from ‘home’. We wouldn’t be under massive financial pressure and if anything I would be adding financial value in the process. Those are the pros I guess. But the cons, I don’t like them. I’d be living in a fairly isolated area, granted I have a lot of friends a drive away, but would pretty much be 200 or 300m from husband. Could plant trees etc and established a very seperate place, but is it weird? Effectively you’re breaking up but then he’s the only person you know I’m walking distance? I know it’s good for the kids but would it be weird for the kids too? Could I put a new age Gwnyth Palthrow spin on it? Say to myself this works and try to relive the stigma I have put on it? Also will I become this strange 42 year old living beside her ex in the middle of nowhere???

Help so stuck and have to move on soon. Thanks x

Why not keep quarter of the plot to build on and sell the rest to fund the build? You could plant around your area to make it private.

Otherwise it sounds like a great idea as long as you set some ground rules for contact.

I think it sounds like a great idea. I really wouldn't worry about what others will think of it, nobody is normal.

Plant some trees so you have no line of sight. Maybe have some ground rules i.e. neither of you go into the other house to keep it all separate etc.

If you can't get the planning permission, you could have a caravan/something moveable. After a certain amount of time living there, you can build on it, I think it is 10 years, but I'm not sure.

Man I really don’t know if I could live in a caravan after the last few years. 😂 🥲

@HelpWendy Because I think you'll struggle to get planning permission for a new, separate house. And on the same basis you won't get pp for a caravan there either.

But you might get pp if you say it's for ancillary use to the main house. And ancillary use means it's for the same family unit that's residing in the main house to overspill into. But if the planners become aware that you're divorcing, they'll probably realise that it's not really ancillary but two separate households. Once you've got pp to site the caravan then they can't retract it or stop you getting divorced.

I think you should take some professional planning advice before you go any further with these thoughts. A good architect should be up to speed on the planning policies (national and local), at least enough to tell you if you have a realistic prospect of getting pp for a new house. From what you've said, it being very rural will probably put it outside of the locally adopted development boundary. Unless it's a barn conversion of an existing building or some other special circumstances.

Having divorced in very similar circumstances, I would seriously consider it. I'm just thinking about how often I've interacted with neighbours in the past - and it's not much if I don't want it! It would be amazing for the kids and cut down all the retrieving of things left in the other home. My exh and I are completely amicable and although it was hard for the first couple of years, it's getting easier. I'd do it (but build on the edge furthest from him!)

Thanks Misty, nice to hear something positive from someone who’s been in a similar place.

For a non-abusive divorce with children, it seems like an ideal situation.

I think it sounds like a great idea, fantastic for the kids and not weird at all. 15 acres means you won't be seeing into his windows doesn't it. As someone else said, a great big hedge will work wonders! You'll have your own spaces and your own lives, just childcare will be so much easier.
Despite what you read on mumsnet, breakups can be amicable, and not all men are bastards! I split with my DDs father when she was small and we get on great. We both got new partners and they are absolutely fine with it too. If both you and your ex are OK with the split then why can't you remain friends for the kids sake if nothing else. Be honest with yourself and think how you or he might really feel if the other entered a new relationship quickly though? To me that seems like the only sticking point, but on the other hand that would be something you would have to deal with regardless of where you lived. Have a good talk with your exH and see where you are then

Another here thinking it's a great idea! It just makes practical sense. It will minimise trauma for the children and be great for co-parenting. If you and your ex can make it workable emotionally than absolutely go for it.
Don't worry what people will think, if anything I'm sure they'll see the sense in it and some may even think it a novelty. Weird? Absolutely not!

I would go for it, build there and see how it goes for a few years (there will probably be a clause in the Planning stating that it cannot be sold for a certain number of years, that is if planning is granted only due to it being family, etc).

One tip for if/when you move on relationships wise: Do not get a gravel driveway. It’s noisy

I live 5 mins away from my ex and its fine it facts it makes parenting so much easier although I appreciate different to your situation.

I have a great relationship with the ex as we split due to realising it just was not working.

I think it could work for you but depends on your relationship with your ex.