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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Nuclear ended it and already regret it

35 replies

regretitalready · 01/11/2021 10:08

I've been seeing a guy for over a year. It would never be a full a relationship but it was the best sex I have ever had, I fancied the arse of him, he was always calm and we had some real points of connection with stuff going on in our lives/ interests.

However in many ways he was really bad for me. I realised he was a habitual liar and had deliberately lied to me when we first met so I would go out with him. He lied a lot about small things and bit things. He would cancel a lot at the last minute. He continued to do things that I told him upset me. Ultimately, he made me feel invisible to him. And I finally decided this was bad for me.

I ended it in a really nuclear way at the weekend after he cancelled at the last minute, again. I went nuclear to make sure I couldn't be weak again and take him back, as he wouldn't want me back.

I already regret it. I am very lonely and he was someone I could text about little things from my day, someone I could talk to about things I have no-one else to talk to about. Someone who would hold me.

I never thought I would be in the position where I would rather have someone who was often crap than no-one at all. But I am now thinking, I wish I had just sucked up the crap for the stuff I got from him.

OP posts:
pickingdaisies · 01/11/2021 10:13

Well of course it feels awful now, you've just thrown your life up into the air and the pieces haven't landed yet. You are allowed to grieve for the life you are missing, and to feel lonely for a while, but now it's up to you to get out and build yourself a new life, find new friends, reconnect with your social network or build a new one, get some support around you while you heal.

1MillionDollars · 01/11/2021 10:15

I might be being insensitive but....

Don't be silly. Years down the line would yo rather be lonely or have nice dinners out all the while he is forging your signature on a mortgage and bank loan.

You don't need a partner to be fulfilled.

Original poster
regretitalready · 01/11/2021 10:20

I don't have much capacity to create a new life. I 've been working on it for years and I have two sort of friends. He meant a lot because he was a daily contact if I wanted it. I don't have anyone else to do that.

OP posts:
Original poster
regretitalready · 01/11/2021 10:27

I suppose I am hoping someone will strengthen me by saying, ' well done for ending it - he sounds like an arse'.

OP posts:
me4real · 01/11/2021 10:31

Hi @regretitalready , I know exactly how the no one to text etc bit feels. I'm not someone popular either. I cycled through a few would-be friends/acquaintances and now have another one who mostly hits the spot.

You've done the right thing. When you feel 'weak' remember all the unpleasant stuff you experience due to him.

PeskyRooks · 01/11/2021 10:33

Well done for ending it he sounds like an arse

Original poster
regretitalready · 01/11/2021 10:34

@PeskyRooks

Well done for ending it he sounds like an arse
Grin Thanks
OP posts:
Palavah · 01/11/2021 10:34

I don't have much capacity to create a new life.

What do you mean by this?

Greenmarmalade · 01/11/2021 10:36

You’ve done the right thing! Years of this kind of behaviour would be very damaging for you.

GoodnightGrandma · 01/11/2021 10:38

You don’t need that negativity. Move on.

CoalTit · 01/11/2021 10:38

Well done for ending it; it sounds like a very toxic, destructive relationship that you needed to get away from. Be strong! This part is hard, but it's worth it.

amiafreakofnature · 01/11/2021 10:39

Been there done there got the t shirt. You miss that contact and knowing they are there to chat and laugh with. But ultimately that doesn't change they will always let you down and by going back you are reinforcing it's okay to treat you like that

Cannyauldsuddick · 01/11/2021 10:40

Well done. You have absolutely done the right thing!

muldersspeedos · 01/11/2021 10:42

It sucks doesn't it but you have definitely done the right thing. In time you'll wonder why you didn't do it sooner but the main thing is that you've shown him and yourself that you are worth far more. It will get easier Thanks

Original poster
regretitalready · 01/11/2021 10:43

@Palavah

I don't have much capacity to create a new life.

What do you mean by this?

Work and young kids and no family to help out. I just don't have much time but he didn't want much time from me so that I was ok. But I could still text and talk to him.
OP posts:
SuperLoudPoppingAction · 01/11/2021 10:44

My goodness. Well done for ending it.
I imagine that relationship will have impacted on how you see yourself.

It's a bit like smoking- it's bad for you but you crave it to make you feel nearly as good as you did before you started.

It takes a while to properly recover once you disengage.
But you will.

Timmytoo · 01/11/2021 10:52

I had this happen a few times a long time ago. My problem is chemistry, I'm addicted to it. So it opened me up to accept the crap because the chemistry was my drug. It ruined so many aspects of my life, including financially. Even broke up with my fiance because there was chemistry between a friend and I and it was exciting and addictive. It ruined my life and me financially which I'm only now recovering from. Its not him you miss, its the chemistry between you. It truly is like a drug and causes you to lose perspective and sense. If your bestie was with him, you'd tell her to leave wouldn't you as you wouldn't want her to be treated like that.

Shutupyoutart · 01/11/2021 11:08

Well done op 😊 you feel rubbish now but it won't always be the case you have defo done the right thing trust me you don't want to look back years from now and wish you had left sooner. You will be ok ❤️

Palavah · 01/11/2021 11:15

Well done for ending it.

It might have seemed as though you could rely on him for that kind of emotional support but if he was consistently lying to you then that creates a deep confusion which was bound to undermine your sense of self. Honestly you are better off out of that. You will find better, more sincere sources of companionship and support.

Check out Action for Happiness. They have some brilliant ideas and resources.

ButterflyAway · 01/11/2021 11:16

He sounds like a prick, you’re so much better off without him even if the loneliness does bite right now Flowers

Rno3gfr · 01/11/2021 11:23

He would have ultimately caused more problems down the line. You did the right thing by breaking up with him. You now have the opportunity to find someone who deserves you.

Pinkbonbon · 01/11/2021 11:28

In my experience, the only men that have regularly canceled at the last minute have done so because they had another girl lined up. I literally ran into one of them straight after, on a date - with someone who turned out to be his girlfriend!

And the other guy, it was really obvious now, looking back, that he was a total player and seeing others. Like every single 'player' sign in the book. Never answered phonecalls, always called me 'babe' and not my name in texts, late night texting people when we were in bed together, wouldn't define the relationship ect....ect...

If they cancel at the last minute, regularly - you are not the only person they are dating.

And - you were right to end it.
Because even if I'm wrong about other women, he was inconsiderate and disrespectful of your time. And ppl who don't respect you, don't belong in your life in any capacity.

GentlemanJay · 01/11/2021 11:35

@Timmytoo

I had this happen a few times a long time ago. My problem is chemistry, I'm addicted to it. So it opened me up to accept the crap because the chemistry was my drug. It ruined so many aspects of my life, including financially. Even broke up with my fiance because there was chemistry between a friend and I and it was exciting and addictive. It ruined my life and me financially which I'm only now recovering from. Its not him you miss, its the chemistry between you. It truly is like a drug and causes you to lose perspective and sense. If your bestie was with him, you'd tell her to leave wouldn't you as you wouldn't want her to be treated like that.
I like this. I thought about this comment. I miss someone or so I thought. It's not her I miss but I miss someone to do the things I did with her.

If that makes sense.

Original poster
regretitalready · 01/11/2021 11:43

Thanks everyone. I really appreciate it. I actually feel like crying because everyone has been so supportive Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
regretitalready · 01/11/2021 11:45

I miss someone or so I thought. It's not her I miss but I miss someone to do the things I did with her

It might be this. I am not sure. I think it is that I was probably making the mistake I made with ex H, which was to keep thinking, 'apart from these ways in which he is a real freak and complete bastard, he's really great. I'll just keep ignoring the freakish bastard bits and keep seeing him'

Never, ever a good idea.

OP posts: