Major breakdown of marriage and issues with mother

[SophiaLauren]

I'm posting here as I literally have no one in my life I can go to with this. I don't want to burden my friends and my mother is the most unsupportive person I know... I don't know what to do anymore...

So I've been married for about 7 years and my OH has never been particularly attentive towards me. Never very affectionate or thoughtful. In the early days I did tell him how it made me feel and he said he'd try harder. Fast forward 7 years and it's just got worse year by year. When I had my first child 6 years ago he was so uncaring of me that I thought maybe he didn't love me and that he made do with me or he would end up on his own and not start a family etc. He has never got much to say to me, can be pretty off with me at times. There is no love. No cuddles or kisses. No sex. We haven't had sex since I don't know when. It's way over 18 months. I've got the stage now where I'm quite frank with him and said I can't take the lack of intimacy any more... he will even agree with me that he needs to try harder to be more attentive... but then nothing. We argue all the time. He leaves all the household running to me, I have to manage our finances, make sure our cars are MOTd and taxed. I arrange out summer holiday every year. I arrange all our insurance policies, mortgage etc. I literally have to manage everything. I've told him it's too much and have asked him to help and he says he will... but doesn't. I just feel totally unloved and overwhelmed with everything. I made the mistake of confiding with my mother who I have never had a very close relationship with. She has told me that I need to look at myself as I am a nasty and manipulative person. She told me that if I keep confronting my husband about the issues then I'm just pushing him away. She has told me I'm not thinking of the kids for considering divorce. She is not on my side. I have had to have years of counselling because of how she has treated me since I was a kid so I know I should take what she says with a pinch of salt. But when it's my own mother I start doubting myself and think maybe this is my lot. I just need to put up with a loveless marriage and that it must be down to me that my husband doesn't love me enough to show any affection or want to have sex with me for over 18 months. If I didn't have kids I'd run away. But I can't. I feel desperate and trapped. My husband isn't a bad person but he seems to have checked out on me emotionally some years ago. He says he loves me... how can he?? Help

Leave your husband and go NC with your mother. I strongly suspect you'll feel much better

He doesn’t, he’s trapping you. You complain, but he knows you’ll stay so he just says the right things while it blows over.
Speak to a solicitor - ring around as you can often get the first chat free.
And get your ducks in a row.
Visualise the life you want and move towards it 💐

I think i would consider relationship counselling if I were you, not because I think the relationship is healthy but because the communication is not working at all. If you're going to stay in the relationship or co parent apart, you desperately need to be able to talk to each other.

Wow. I’m so sorry to read about your plight. You sound like you’ve got a lot on your shoulders and are dealing with far too much of the mental load. What positives does he bring to the relationship? Does he realise that you’re at breaking point? Have you had a serious conversation with him about household chores and mental load? Why can’t he take on eg the cars and holidays and certain house chores and you do the rest?

The lack of intimacy is a killer. Again, OP, what’s your communication like? Have you told him how you’re feeling? What does he say?

You need to decide whether you want to try more to make your marriage work - eg with marriage counselling and more communication - but you also need to think about what happens if even counselling doesn’t work. In a loveless marriage like this, I’d be considering all options including a plan to leave. What is the financial situation like, OP? Are you working? Are you able to support yourself? How old is DC?

As for your mother, she sounds like a very nasty person. I wouldn’t go to her for advice. Shut down that line of communication and don’t expect any support from her. Do you have anyone else you can talk to?

Thanks for your replies... my mother said I'm throwing my marriage away. She makes me feel it's my fault. I'm not perfect and we argue a lot mainly because I keep challenging him on the lack of love and the lack of involvement he has in all the household management stuff. Our house is also dropping to bits as he never maintains any of it. I would do the DIY myself but I've had babies to deal with and my youngest is 2.... so I can't do everything. I get annoyed with him about this and about the fact everything is left to me.

Agree totally. I'm trying to get some face to face couples counselling but everything is via zoom... Will try tomorrow again

@SophiaLauren

Thanks for your replies... my mother said I'm throwing my marriage away. She makes me feel it's my fault. I'm not perfect and we argue a lot mainly because I keep challenging him on the lack of love and the lack of involvement he has in all the household management stuff. Our house is also dropping to bits as he never maintains any of it. I would do the DIY myself but I've had babies to deal with and my youngest is 2.... so I can't do everything. I get annoyed with him about this and about the fact everything is left to me.

What do you actually get from your relationship/marriage ? Name me 3 things that are worth staying for.

Please reach out to your friends if they are good friends and you trust them. You have a lot on your plate and part of being a friend is to support each other through hardship. I would hate my friend to be going through what you are in their marriage and with their mother and suffer in silence.

Your post is really interesting for me to read. Because I was in your shoes at the back end of 2016, though I had 2 DC and I hadn't quite worked my relationship with my 'D'M out.

I'm divorced now. I asked him to leave - because I wanted to be able to teach my children what a loving, affectionate, healthy and reciprocal relationship should look like.

I'm also very low contact with my mother. Because it seems, the relationship that she and I had growing up predisposed me to marrying someone who although I thought he loved me initially, was very controlled with his affection, made me feel extremely alone and isolated at times despite living in the same house, and who when I asked him to leave, had hollowed me out, made me feel numb, like I was absolutely nobody. In fact if I get too close to my mother even now she does the same. Their similarities are really really scary - and they used to fight like cat and dog, my XH and 'D'M...

Please put yourself first. You are your own person. Your opinion is valid. You are valuable. You are loveable. You need to start looking at self-care and self-worth, because then you'll have a full pot with which to raise your DC.

I've got a few friends. But only one friend I confide to about this. But she's heard the same story from me for years so I don't like to keep moaning to her. My mum also says I just tell people a one sided version of events. But I don't. But because she tells me this I start believing her...

I am trying to get marriage counselling but struggling due to covid. Everything is via zoom so far and I can't do it via zoom. So I'm still trying to find a face to face counselor...

I've got 3 kids... 7, 5 and 2... looks like we have loads of sex but we don't. I'm sahm at the moment. Youngest has just started preschool. Finances are terrible. He has been self employed for 7 years and we are on very low income... but I've always wanted to be with my kids so I have accepted this way of life. But my husband could have done way more to earn better. During covid we had no income for 4 months and he just sat at home. We argue a lot about the business. I do all the invoicing and accounts. He has no interest in what his profits are and just leaves it to me to manage financially. I have said he'd be better off getting a paid job. Then I can go back to work as well to help. But he just wants to stay at home and work for himself... and we only just make ends meet. If we divorce I couldn't rely on him financially but i think I'd be able to get a house on my own and hopefully rely on benefits until I can get a job?

It's a right mess.... I feel like I need to drink wine to suppress the constant feeling of depression.... I'm trying not to though.... I'm not an alcoholic.... but I just feel awful

It sounds like he’s dragging you down. Do you think he’s depressed ?
This doesn’t have to be your life, plan your future.
And stop drinking, it’s a waste of money, squirrel it away instead.

Oh wow that is very similar. I had cbt a couple of years ago and the counselor said my husband had the same traits as my mother and it isn't uncommon to marry someone similar to a parent. Thank u so much for your reply.

I don't know... I think people find it a burden... I found a counselor yesterday who said she doesn't do couples therapy but can see me on my own. I might pay to go once a month so I have someone to talk to

I have wondered if he's depressed. I've asked him. I wonder if he's gay... but I just keep getting this gut feel that he's never really been in love with me. He was about to be left on the shelf then I came along and was his last chance of family life.

Do speak to a solicitor.
I did and I found it very empowering.
It doesn’t mean you have to go, it just gives you the confidence if you did decide to.

Thank you. I've sent you a pm

Wow I can't believe these messages. I've gone from a distraught mess (after my mother's very recent input) to feeling empowered. Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply to me.

@SophiaLauren

I have wondered if he's depressed. I've asked him. I wonder if he's gay... but I just keep getting this gut feel that he's never really been in love with me. He was about to be left on the shelf then I came along and was his last chance of family life.

I believe my XH to be asexual. I'm completely surprised we managed to conceive 2 DC - in a decade of marriage we probably had sex about 8 times. He constantly rejected me - it was humiliating and I ended up sleeping in another room. My GP put me in front of a psychiatrist when I was at a very low point, and she said "you have a DH problem." Over the time it has taken to divorce I also feel like I've divorced my parents / siblings. They showed their true colours and were so unsupportive. There's a thread which might help you which runs in Relationships called "We took you to stately homes", it might help you understand your dynamic with your mother a little more.

Oh wow! Sane here. Prior to kids I noticed that he only had sex with me when drunk. I challenged him on this after it became apparent (prob 2 years after getting together)... after some fishing he eventually told me he was too embarrassed to do it sober as reckoned he didn't last long enough...... I assured him all was fine and he had no issue!!!! That still didn't seem to help! We went on to have 3 kids over the last 3 years, but I'm very lucky in that I get pregnant straight away. I can genuinely say in 7 years we prob had sex 15 - 20. Last 4 years I could prob count on 1 hand!

Meant to say we had 3 kids in 7 years!

@GoodnightGrandma

Do speak to a solicitor. I did and I found it very empowering. It doesn’t mean you have to go, it just gives you the confidence if you did decide to.

I agree this this, @SophiaLauren and/or speak to Citizens Advice to see what your financial options are. If you want to check your options online initially (but still speak to a professional as well) check out www.entitledto.co.uk. Finding out what your life could be like if/when you divorce may give you the confidence you currently lack in your current situation.

Also consider going low contact (LC) with your mother. She doesn't sound like someone who has a healthy influence on your life. In fact she sounds worse than your husband so more more confiding in her. No need to announce you are going LC, just gradually fade her from your life. Be slower to respond if she contacts you. Grey Rock her whenever she becomes difficult or if she asks you questions about your relationship with your husband.

You can do without both these difficult people so prominent in your life. Good luck 🌹

@SophiaLauren

Meant to say we had 3 kids in 7 years!

For some reason I don’t seem to be able to reply to your PM, so I’ll do it here. I think your DH is either gay or is masturbating, and so no longer finds vaginal sex satisfying. Does he watch porn ? But whatever he is or isn’t, you aren’t having a loving and satisfying relationship. But he is having the relationship he wants. I think that one day you will find the strength to ask him to leave, until then you need to prepare for that day. I found talking to the solicitor very empowering, I’ve still not gone but I have the knowledge. You are young and deserve to be loved, and made love to. Decide what you want and work towards it.

@SophiaLauren

I have wondered if he's depressed. I've asked him. I wonder if he's gay... but I just keep getting this gut feel that he's never really been in love with me. He was about to be left on the shelf then I came along and was his last chance of family life.

Do you think the same is true for you though?

In your first post you say he's never been attentive or affectionate, even at the start. And you weren't happy with it. But you stayed with him and had three children? Is it because you wanted family life so much you thought you had to put up with a relationship that didn't come close to satisfying you?

So there are a few deep roots to your problem. There's the societal one. We see this problem come up all the time here - two people who weren't compatible, didn't really love each other, sometimes weren't even attracted to each other, who somehow got all the way to married-with-kids because society keeps hammering it home that no other lifestyle is valid.

Then there's your mother, who has ground down your self-worth so much over the years that you don't think you deserve and can have a relationship with someone you like, and who likes you back.

When some marriages run into difficulties, couples counselling or working on it is good advice - but that's only the case if there was a strong foundation. Couples can lose their way but if there was love there to start with, there's hope they can get back to that.

I'm afraid that there's nothing here for you or your husband to find your way back to.

You would be much happier calling it quits, as hard as that may seem now.

You also need to go no contact or at least low contact with your mother as a matter of urgency, and absolutely stop confiding in her with any of your problems.

There is a much better life waiting for you. Do you know how you will support yourself and the kids? That will be the hardest part. But ignore your shit mother and separate yourself from your complete non partner.

Hey... yes I was probably thinking it was last chance for me. There were alarm bells at the start. But then I didn't have 3 kids because of society expectations... I wanted them more than anything, and i don't regret any of that. I saw some of his traits early on, but I naively thought that he would loosen up with me over time. I was very attracted to him as well. But sadly things didn't work out. Yes you're right... my mum has ground my self esteem down to 0.... my choice in men prior to him was terrible.... so he was like gods gift in comparison. I've made a huge mess of my life