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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Any thoughts?

27 replies

Maxim83 · 31/10/2021 18:49

So, I'm getting married to my gf on valentine's Day. It was originally going to be in 2020 but covid stopped it and it's been arranged (We have 2 children) I'm 38, she's 35.

The past year I've started to feel more and more unhappy in the relationship and I don't think I love her anymore, we have been together a long time, I've changed and feel no connection to her anymore. But I don't want to hurt her or my children by leaving. She knows I'm not very happy, but I've not said it's the relationship that's making me like this. If I do, I know it's the end.

I feel sick with worry over what to do 😔

OP posts:
nolovelost · 31/10/2021 18:54

Have you met someone else?

GenderAtheist · 31/10/2021 18:56

Talk to her. Don’t go on planning a wedding if you don’t want to marry her.

Original poster
Maxim83 · 31/10/2021 18:57

@nolovelost

No I haven't met anyone else. She's my one and only gf, but I just feel I've grown apart from her.

The affection/attraction has gone.

Of course I love and care for her, she's given me 2 amazing sons. But I just don't feel it anymore.

OP posts:
nolovelost · 31/10/2021 19:02

Is there any issues that have caused this? Or you've just grown apart? Have you tried talking to her?

GenderAtheist · 31/10/2021 19:03

Do you own your house or rent it? Which one of you is the main carer for the children? If it’s her, how can you change your work to allow you to care for your children?

Original poster
Maxim83 · 31/10/2021 19:03

@GenderAtheist I know. I'm just scared as I know thats the relationship over. And I can't face not seeing my boys daily. I feel I'd rather try and fake happiness & get married just to be with them

OP posts:
sunnyzweibrucken · 31/10/2021 19:03

I wouldn’t want someone to stay with me if they didn’t love me anymore.

Maybe get individual and couples counseling before leaving. You should try everything before ending the relationship especially since children are involved

nolovelost · 31/10/2021 19:08

No do not fake hapiness, it's not something you'll be able to hide without causing lots of tension. That's not fair on any of you especially the kids.

Our kids highly respected our decision to split. And you both deserve hapiness.

Agree with PP - try everything you can first, counselling.

Original poster
Maxim83 · 31/10/2021 19:15

@nolovelost she doesnt like my family. I've started to feel resentment towards her and struggle with intimacy now. We have had little chats in the past & she knows I'm not overly happy

@genderatheist the boys are at school. Once they are home we share duties with them. We rent a place at the mo

@sunnyzweibrucken I know..I just don't want to hurt her and she's looking at dresses etc. I've feeling under so much pressure

OP posts:
Etinoxaurus · 31/10/2021 19:17

Love is a verb. Work at it. What an awful situation to be in.
Flowers

Pinkbonbon · 31/10/2021 19:18

I actually disagree with the counciling and 'try everything else' first. What's the point in that? If you don't feel something, you don't feel something. You only have one life. So does she. Don't waste them buy dawdling any longer.

Find yourself a place nearby where you can co-parent successfully.

As for the telling her...not sure there is a gentle way to do it. But be honest about it. It'll sting but it's better in the longterm than letting her think you aren't sure what you want.

Original poster
Maxim83 · 31/10/2021 19:21

@Pinkbonbon I have tried, but feel mentally I checked out about a year ago. I can't help feeling this way and really wished I didn't. But my gut is fighting with my head every second of the day

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 31/10/2021 19:26

You're doing her a favour if her and and family don't like eachother.

If you've felt this way for a year then give yourself permission to end it.

She probably knows herself that something isn't right anyway and is just burying her head in the sand.

Original poster
Maxim83 · 31/10/2021 19:29

@Pinkbonbon yeah I agree. She definitely senses something is wrong, as I'm just not myself anymore

OP posts:
mug2018 · 31/10/2021 19:36

It's currently hurting you both & that hurt will get worse with time. Talk to her, delay the wedding & work on your relationship
Honesty is the key to your happiness... now and in the future.

Salayes · 31/10/2021 19:40

It’s hard but imagine how awful it will be to marry someone when you feel this way. It’s not fair on you or on her - how would you feel if you were pledging your life in genuine love to someone who was just pretending?

Original poster
Maxim83 · 31/10/2021 19:42

@mug2018 I think the truth is, I know if I'm honest with her, the relationship will be over. That's what is tearing me inside, as I worry what affect it will have on our children

OP posts:
Original poster
Maxim83 · 31/10/2021 19:43

@Salayes I agree. I feel awful inside. Riddled with guilt and fear

OP posts:
WTFCanIDoAboutThis · 31/10/2021 19:46

I think this falls into the 'you need to be cruel to be kind' category. You're helping no one by staying and living a lie. Not her, certainly not your children (as they get older they'll clock that something's wrong) and not yourself! I think you know what you need to do.

Salayes · 31/10/2021 19:48

I’m sure you feel terrible it must be awful. But it’ll be way worse to marry her feeling this way or put a stop to things much close to the wedding.

I think you need to be honest with her. If you genuinely feel the relationship is over for you she deserves to know.

And you deserve to be happy, and not to force yourself into a marriage you don’t want. No good will come of it.

Original poster
Maxim83 · 31/10/2021 19:57

@WTFCanIDoAboutThis yeah you are right..it's just trying to find the courage to do it that's so hard.

@salayes thank you. She's so excited to be getting married. But this is really affecting me mentally, almost like I'm on the verge of a breakdown

OP posts:
category12 · 31/10/2021 19:58

The relationship is over, you just haven't admitted it yet.

It's actually horrible to marry someone when you feel like this. You're wasting her time and robbing her & yourself of possible years ahead and chances of happiness.

Just split up and aim for an amicable co-parenting agreement.

Anordinarymum · 31/10/2021 20:02

[quote Maxim83]@nolovelost she doesnt like my family. I've started to feel resentment towards her and struggle with intimacy now. We have had little chats in the past & she knows I'm not overly happy

@genderatheist the boys are at school. Once they are home we share duties with them. We rent a place at the mo

@sunnyzweibrucken I know..I just don't want to hurt her and she's looking at dresses etc. I've feeling under so much pressure[/quote]
Why doesn't she like your family? I think this is important

Original poster
Maxim83 · 31/10/2021 20:03

@category12 yeah I agree. I've allowed the date to get closer and closer. She will be devastated and will ask why I havent said anything sooner. And I feel so weak for not having done so

OP posts:
AlbertBridge · 31/10/2021 20:04

If you've been together for a long time and only getting around to marriage now, I'd say you're just not that into her. As the wedding approaches it's becoming harder to ignore it.

Just finish it.