I am stable but choose unstable men…why?

[Destinyforthetaking22]

So as the title suggests I would consider myself to be a fairly stable and rational individual. Outwardly I am a working professional, raising children and able to run a business and home. I have friends and family around me.

But I have realised, despite this, I choose unstable men with deep seated problems. Some of these problems didn’t come to light until well into the relationship and perhaps if they were evident at the beginning I wouldn’t have gone there. I cannot deny that the two long term relationships I have had have been toxic and damaging for me and unfortunately the last one, likely damaging for my children (their dad).

Why do I get it so fucking wrong?! Can anyone shed any light?!

I did this for years-think I have a bit of a rescuer syndrome thing.
I try and fix people.
What I have found though is you can't do this. People have to sort themselves out ultimately.

Psychotherapists would call you a 'rescuer'.

You are subconsciously drawn to people who need 'saving'.

Have a google and read.

Maybe you are attracted to men who you think are 'interestingly complicated' or 'challenging' or even 'quirky' only to find later they are simply messed up with a load of baggage.

Been there, done that, ended up with someone who is the most stable and 'ordinary' bloke I ever knew, but it's been a huge relief not to have to psychoanalyse someone all the time.

X-posts @MrsKeats

I'm like you op, but the question I ask myself is why don't I walk away once it becomes clear?

Interesting chocolate
I have rescue animals now so that sorts that need out

@MrsKeats

Interesting chocolate I have rescue animals now so that sorts that need out

Yeah, at least they will be loyal.

They meet a need in you.

Find another way to met that need. It's work with me!

I also thought rescuer.

I think you need to change your approach to relationships. Read up on red flags. Assess men on that basis. Realise that you cannot change them. Have high standards and be prepared to dump the second someone does not meet them.

Oh interesting I have never come across the rescuer syndrome. I will have a look. I have had therapy in the past but stopped. I think I need to restart it to delve into this more deeply. So I don’t make the same mistakes.

@ChocolateGingers stable and ordinary bloke sounds great and what I am realising is exactly what I need. A safe pair of hands. I thought my ex was that but have come to realise he is not. When I look back at the relationship there were many red flags ignored .

How can I stop being a rescuer? Where does it originate from?

@Misty9

I'm like you op, but the question I ask myself is why don't I walk away once it becomes clear?

Presumably because you want to save him!

And you like a challenge and don't like to admit you made a mistake?

Ironically, I think a lot of 'rescuers' are also very controlling, as they like to think they can 'sort ' people (if only they would listen and do what they say.)

2.5 years of therapy later... I can tell you why I'm the same?

I want to be needed. That's it really. I couldn't imagine that anyone who wasn't desperate could be interested in me, and I only felt secure with someone who was constantly needy. Also I then demanded a level of support from them that was parental, and got endlessly resentful if they didn't provide it.

You'll notice that I've put all that in the past tense. My current relationship is nothing like this and crucially, we don't live together. The therapy cost a lot but it will have been infinitely worth it if I have at least started to learn how to be more functional in a relationship.

@Destinyforthetaking22 As I posted above, I think it's also about control, but in a 'kind way'.

There is also a motherly element when it's aimed at guys.

I came across this term when I was training for my work, and I had to recognise when I might be falling into the role of a rescuer with clients.

I think not spotting it sooner is the main problem. Ask yourself if the same 'issues' were to crop up in someone again, what signs could you look out for early on?

You can even directly ask about things like history mental health issues after a few dates (of course they might lie). I will straight up ask someone on date 2 if they've suffer from anxiety or depression. I have no problem ruling someone out if i don't like the answer. Do it gently of course and obviously don't let them know that's why you are not seeing them again.

Never rush into any long term commitments with anyone. And never feel you can't leave as soon as you feel you want to.

Then of course another area might be - how long do you stay after the issue is revealed. For example,some people have issues with codependency issues and may stay longer than they should with shitheads. But these sort are also apt at knocking our self confidence,making it hard for us to leave.

But please don't feel you attract abusive sorts. They are everywhere and they are not fussy.

And people going through serious mental health issues that probably should not be dating, often do. Because they are looking for a crutch. Which is only human. But they cannot pour from an empty cup. You have to protect your own energy.

I'm not sure it matters where it comes from as long as it goes away...

@Misty9 it has taken me a long separation from ex to get to the stage that I do not want to be with him at all. We are completely different people going in different directions. Honestly looking back we were always very different.

The last 20 months has been the first time I have been single for 20 years. I have long term relationships and am very loyal. I’ve deliberately stayed away from men despite how lonely it has been. I need to choose wisely now!

I think you have to sure in your own mind @Destinyforthetaking22 what kind of man and relationship you want.

I fell for a series of men who with hindsight weren't ready for commitment. They were a mix of recently divorced with a young child, recently separated, very little experience of women, or just weren't ready for commitment.

In your shoes, I'd try to build up contacts with men and women and get to know men maybe through hobbies, as friends, etc and not focus on dating to find a partner.

How was your childhood and your relationship with your parents growing up?

There's this theory that we subconsciously choose partners who feel familiar as we seek to recreate the dynamic we had in our first attachment experience (our parents). So if your caregivers were neglectful, cold, emotionally unavailable, etc, you'll be drawn to that pattern in partners.

Look up Alain de Botton/School of life on youtube if it sounds like the theory might fit you

I have this. For me it comes from having to support my DM through mental health issues as a child and how proud it made me feel that she relied on me so much. A friend of mine has it too. His comes from his DM dying of an OD when he was very young and his 'failure' to save her. I think the key is you've recognised it. One strategy would be to find an outlet for it that's not your relationship, such a formal way of helping people through your job or as a volunteer, where you are trained not to adopt this role.

Some of these problems didn’t come to light until well into the relationship and perhaps if they were evident at the beginning I wouldn’t have gone there.

This to me @Destinyforthetaking22 is the key to your behaviour.

I doubt the men hid their true personalities. It's very hard to do that long term.

I suspect your radar wasn't tuned in and your overriding urge to help them (even subconsciously) or be in a relationship, meant you ignored what other women would pick up on earlier.

Look back at what happened and I bet you will see the signs were there but you ignored them for one reason or another.

@JudgementalCactus hit the nail on the head. In the time I have had alone, I have realised the dysfunctional traits are of my ex are very similar to the traits of one of my parents. Emotionally unavailable and cold due to their own awful childhood. Therapy helped me realise this too.

My other parent was loving and kind but I realise now, very depressed growing up. My ex is cold and emotionally unavailable even for our children who he takes no interest in. Despite my parents, I believe I am a devoted and loving mother.

@ChocolateGingers absolutely the signs were there and I ignored them or was naive to them. I stayed longer than I should have due to not knowing how to leave my first partner. My ex I gave a second chance and cos of our children. He taught me a good lesson never to do that again.

I don’t actually want a relationship now. Something casual would be good. I don’t have the time or energy to nurture and devote to a relationship. My children need me now as their dad is absent. Although I can be avoidant and have to make sure I don’t use my children as an excuse not to let someone worthy in.

Dunno, sounds like you made a couple of choices that did not work out and could be partly to do with repeating patterns with your parent. But it also sounds like you’re pretty self-aware so maybe see them as learning experiences. You know yourself more, you’ve done some therapy, your boundaries are strong. So maybe it won’t be a future issue for you.

@MrsKeats @Rainbowqueeen & @ChocolateGingers

So I have just read up on rescuer syndrome and I am a textbook case . Always sorting out some drama for my ex, cleaning up his messes, soldiering on alone with the kids as he is too much of a fuck up to pull his weight. Since we split I have stopped jumping in to save him and I cannot tell you the amount of times he has called me unsupportive!

Same with my first partner although he was not as manipulative. I have also had to rescue one of my parents consistently and if I don’t I am a bad daughter!

So I guess the gist is I need to stop going for men who openly admit to having issues which need to be solved? Run the other way, is that the way to do it?

@Salayes I hope you are right and those relationships were learning experiences I don’t replicate. I feel I need to look into this more.

You sound emotionally unavailable and because if that you pick emotionally unavailable men, one of the types of women is a Florence (as in Nightingale) as you have the need to rescue/fix people.

Have a read of Mr Unavailable and The Fallback Girl. Its very enlightning.

I read the book as my current boyfriend told me he was guarded (as he has been cheated on in his last 2 relationships) and I wanted to understand him better, then realised I am the issue and I was a Florence in my marriage and a Miss Independent with my current partner.
I'm currently having counselling to address my emotional availability.

I used to be like this. For me it was because I'm kind, proactive and lacked knowledge of how to deal with toxic people.

I don't want to know someone is suffering and stand by just watching, if I could help then I would. I'd met awful people before of course, but I wasn't aware of the type of person who smiles and appears nice on the surface but who, underneath that, is all take take take. I had some friends like that, so it was normal for me to be tolerating it. I didn't recognise it in my boyfriends or for a long time in those friends. My kind nature attracted "user" types.

I don't often share my problems, I don't believe in wallowing in things. I get on with sorting things out, somehow or other. I'd only say something briefly and downplay it. So if I'm sharing a worry with someone, having a big conversation about it, it's because it's serious and I can't think of a way forward. I had no idea just how lazy some people are. People can have good jobs, be ambitious, be passionate about hobbies etc and yet be so so lazy with themselves. I've come to realise there's an awful lot of people who don't try to fix their own problems, their go-to thing is to either lean on someone else constantly and forever whilst nothing changes or look to someone else to fix it for them. So I ended up investing heavily in helping others, thinking they must be having a really hard time to need all this help, when all it was is they were being lazy and taking the easy option.

The other problem was, having been in an abusive relationship in my teens, I'd absorbed the message that the way for me to stop other people getting angry with me was for me to fix everything, so I'd rush to do that if I spotted any problem of any kind with anyone I knew or came across. It was exhausting and I didn't want this role, but obviously everyone around me loved it and wanted to keep me in it. Since I was doing it unconsciously, I wasn't able to just stop.

It took me moving miles away to make me look around at my life and decide how to live it. I felt I'd done my share of helping humanity and I needed to regroup and focus on myself for a while. So I made a conscious effort to stop being so helpful although remaining kind and sympathetic, at which point the users all disappeared themselves from my life like magic and the penny finally dropped for me about what had been going on.

I knew I wasn't very assertive, looking into that lead me to do lots of reading about boundaries and red flags and I changed my ways dramatically. I'm still there for friends and family and to a lesser extent for strangers, but only when I can do so without being adversely affected myself.