I am stable but choose unstable men…why?

[Destinyforthetaking22]

So as the title suggests I would consider myself to be a fairly stable and rational individual. Outwardly I am a working professional, raising children and able to run a business and home. I have friends and family around me.

But I have realised, despite this, I choose unstable men with deep seated problems. Some of these problems didn’t come to light until well into the relationship and perhaps if they were evident at the beginning I wouldn’t have gone there. I cannot deny that the two long term relationships I have had have been toxic and damaging for me and unfortunately the last one, likely damaging for my children (their dad).

Why do I get it so fucking wrong?! Can anyone shed any light?!

So I guess the gist is I need to stop going for men who openly admit to having issues which need to be solved? Run the other way, is that the way to do it?

Unless the issues aren't too bad and they're proactively trying to sort them out by and for themselves, in which case you might want to give them a chance if they seem otherwise excellent. If any of that isn't true then yes, run!

Expect to feel.some discomfort if you are with someone who doesn't need rescuing. It can be difficult to pick apart 'uncomfortable because relationship is wrong ' and 'uncomfortable because it's a new dynamic'.

I can be hypersexual at times. If they don't need rescuing they might put up with me for the sex, is the thinking. Essentially, look at your own reactions carefully. A therapist really helps in this though ultimately they only know what you tell them... however that external perspective is remarkable.

So I guess the gist is I need to stop going for men who openly admit to having issues which need to be solved? Run the other way, is that the way to do it?

Maybe if you have never experienced unconditional love from a parent(s) you feel that with men you have to 'earn it' somehow by 'saving them'?

Maybe you pick men who need saving as it makes you feel more powerful and needed?

Maybe you have low self esteem in terms of finding a partner and get involved with 'complicated needy men' as they take advantage of your caring side and that makes you feel valued?

I don't know - it's just a guess.

Everyone has issues of some sort to an extent. But I'd say that if you find yourself listening to men who bleat on about their 'issues' and aren't doing anything proactive to fix themselves, you walk way.

You also need to draw the line at men who are moody, changeable, push and pull you, who don't consider your feelings and put you first for at least some of the time.

Set the bar higher and don't fall into the role of their mother/ counsellor/ friend dealing with all their 'stuff', as men in their 40s or 50s should be sorted, or going to counselling to get themselves sorted.

You aren't a teenager, or someone in their early 20s or 30s, and neither are they.

I'm a bit like this OP, I'm back dabbling with dating after my marriage and it's been interesting! I am chatting to 2 different guys at the moment, one is likely emotionally unavailable and intermittent with contact, one is the opposite and tells me all about his day etc. Guess which one I'm hot for! But I do like the other guy, and I do like the high level of contact but it's taking getting used to.

Each person I speak to, I learn something new about myself.

@PermanentTemporary Your post is very interesting,my current partner (who says he is guarded) is the complete opposite of my ex husband and has his life completely together and doesn't need fixing/rescuing and I find it very strange and unsettling.
My marriage was full of ups and downs and regular drama,I think I ran on adrenaline but this relationship is very calm and normal and at times I find it boring.
I know it's my past which makes me think like this but its hard to change your mindset - I swing between thinking my relationship is great to wanting to end it because its boring.

I am very much like this. My therapist says I am a rescuer, and I clearly am. It all stems from my alcoholic mother, thinking that if she would choose me over the alcohol, I'd finally be loved by her. I never achieved it, and so I think that I find myself back in that position time and time again.
So its probably not even rescuing, it's probably due to how I learned how to try and be loved. But falls into the rescuing category.

Each relationship has traumatised me more and more and I basically become an unstable mess whenever I'm in one now.

I took a few years to myself with lots of therapy and I thought id cracked it. Nope. I found myself right back there. It was the final straw for me as the last one was an alcoholic. It felt like I had gone even further back lol. Maybe I needed to go back there for closure purposes, maybe? Who knows.
I decided I'm better off alone. I'm much happier and have no desire to ever put myself back in that kind of position. Especially for my children's sake.

Sorry I've got no advice on how to get past this.
Your post actually helped me reflect a bit and learn something new!
I learned that its the way I know how to try and be loved, so if I did go back to therapy I'd focus on changing my thoughts around that. But I cant be arsed anymore.

I agree with the posters saying you may feel surprisingly uncomfortable when you find the kind of man you are looking for. You may find that you translate him not been needy into him not loving you (as being needed is your familiar form of feeling loved). Be prepared for this!

@PermanentTemporary

2.5 years of therapy later... I can tell you why I'm the same?

I want to be needed. That's it really. I couldn't imagine that anyone who wasn't desperate could be interested in me, and I only felt secure with someone who was constantly needy. Also I then demanded a level of support from them that was parental, and got endlessly resentful if they didn't provide it.

You'll notice that I've put all that in the past tense. My current relationship is nothing like this and crucially, we don't live together. The therapy cost a lot but it will have been infinitely worth it if I have at least started to learn how to be more functional in a relationship.

This is an excellent post, and not relevant only to romantic relationships. Lots of the problematic/one-sided friendships posted about on here stem from exactly the same sense of not being able to imagine someone else having any interest in them as a friend or lover unless they were desperate/indeed in some way.

OP, you sound like me.

I am a rescuer. My extherapist suggested it stems from my lack of boundaries. Essentially, I wasn't able to have boundaries as a child, due to my mother's addictions and addiction led parenting. This means I feel actively unsafe around people with good boundaries and seek out people with warped ones. I also seek out people who need rescuing, because my role as 'rescuer' validates my sense of self worth: essentially, I am doing 'well' compared to the person I rescue and this distracts me from my own wide ranging 'secret' (masked in public and to family) issues relating to my childhood.

Unfortunately, I had to stop seeing the therapist as I had an unexpected large expense, but it was very helpful in unpicking my seemingly bizarre relationship choices and I would recomend it, if you can afford it. I am currently working on gaining some boundaries!

@ParmigianoReggiano

I agree with the posters saying you may feel surprisingly uncomfortable when you find the kind of man you are looking for. You may find that you translate him not been needy into him not loving you (as being needed is your familiar form of feeling loved). Be prepared for this!

Absolutely! I almost threw my partner back into the ocean because his behaviour was so alien to me after a string of very disappointing OLD experiences. His interest was so consistent and genuine from the very beginning that I thought surely there must be a catch, surely there was something wrong with him.

But I persevered and got used to it. 2 years later and it's still that easy. No drama, no fighting, no insecurity, no rescuing. It's so refreshing. And every time I catch myself thinking it's a little boring or it lacks passion I remind myself of what my previous toxic but exciting relationship felt like and go back to feeling grateful.

Watching this thread with interest- struggling with one-sidedness in friendship here. I'm finding it hard to take a step back and focus on what I want.

Thanks for all the replies. Some of the replies have been painful to read as they are true. I can be emotionally unavailable which I will look into further if only to make sure my children aren’t affected by it. @OnyxOryx I relate to not being assertive when in a relationship and have to work harder on this. @Herja also relate to the lack of boundaries and not allowing those closest to me to get away with bloody murder and staying silent.

@SortingItOut I will check out that reading you have recommended as it rings true.

Lots to think about. Have I chosen these needy men because I want to feel needed and validated? There’s a grain of truth to this. My last split was torturous and not quite yet over so I have taken a long time to lick my wounds and stabilise again. His actions came out of the blue and I was blindsided but had to carry on immediately and raise the kids and do my job. It nearly broke me, not quite but nearly. I now want to be taken care of instead of doing all the caring and nurturing. I realise that. I do believe I deserve better and have a lot to give the right person. Maybe that’s progress?

Rescuer syndrome has also made me question my career and how this is linked and whether it is to my personality. I rescue people at work. They come to me with problems and I have to sort them out and figure out an answer for them. I did this with my ex. Became his adviser instead of his partner and it was never reciprocated. Must be careful not to do this again.

To the poster who is talking to two men one available and one unavailable, please choose mr available, you deserve him!

@Destinyforthetaking22 Up until this year I was also in a role where I helped/fixed peoples problems.

I assume it's no coincidence that I split from my ex husband (him who I tried to rescue for 17 sorry years) 3.5 years ago and the divorce was finalised nearly 2 years ago and now I'm no longer fixing/rescuing people in my job or my personal life.

@Helocariad

Watching this thread with interest- struggling with one-sidedness in friendship here. I'm finding it hard to take a step back and focus on what I want.

I recommend taking some extended time away from the person. Depending on why they're not a good friend, it might be you can't see the situation whilst you're in it. Be "busy with work" or something for eg 3 months or however long you think necessary. Tell them in advance that you won't be around much, then don't take their calls or arrange to see them. Take a day or so to think before replying to any texts or emails etc., keeping the reply brief. During this time do things that make you calm, rested and happy. Think about the situation when it comes to you, but don't dwell on it or obsess over it. Nobody should command so much of your time especially when they're not actually there! At the end of the time away think about how you feel about getting back in touch. How well has the other person respected your boundaries during this time? Have you missed them? Have they appeared to miss you for yourself and not for what you can do for them? What do they add to your life? Do you want to be in touch or let the friendship slide? If you want in be in touch, what do you want that to look like? You can't enforce your boundaries if you don't know what they are. Sometimes it takes distance from someone to get perspective on that.

@PermanentTemporary

2.5 years of therapy later... I can tell you why I'm the same?

I want to be needed. That's it really. I couldn't imagine that anyone who wasn't desperate could be interested in me, and I only felt secure with someone who was constantly needy. Also I then demanded a level of support from them that was parental, and got endlessly resentful if they didn't provide it.

You'll notice that I've put all that in the past tense. My current relationship is nothing like this and crucially, we don't live together. The therapy cost a lot but it will have been infinitely worth it if I have at least started to learn how to be more functional in a relationship.

I can relate to the first few sentences there, but in my case not the bit about needing support from them. To the extent that I think it'd probably freak me out if I did have a partner who was highly supportive!

I'm now in a relationship with someone who didn't/doesn't need rescuing, and her independence occasionally scares me a bit - leaves me feeling insecure. I can't tell if that stems from my rescuer nature, or if she really is just exceptionally independent. It's got better with time, and I think that may be because she's taken down some walls herself and is a bit less guarded. Or maybe that's just me passing off my insecurity as stemming from them??

@altmember I feel the same. I’ve realised I need to be needed. Like to feel useful maybe to earn love perhaps? Otherwise maybe I think I’m not entitled to their love? It’s not occurred to me before but now I think about it, it’s been a pattern. Also led me to thinking when you are always doing stuff for people and in control you do naturally become controlling, it seeps in slowly. When you are the only parent around and doing stuff your way then that can make you controlling too.

Sounds like it's a self esteem thing OP? Deep down you don't believe you deserve love unless you have 'earned' it. That could be something for you to work on too.

@ParmigianoReggiano I think you may be right which is a revelation. I never thought I had self esteem issues and don’t think I am perceived by others as someone who does. I realise now I coupled up with my ex at a time I was young and vulnerable. Forgave things I should not have. The good thing is I have learnt not to do this again. I’m not going to put up with any BS because I just don’t need to. My life has many good things in it and generally drama free now ex has gone. If a man doesn’t compliment that then I’m not going to bother. I think I have a lot to offer so if they don’t like me as I am then no love lost. I think the last few years being single has been the best thing I could have done. It’s been good to write this all down too.

I've had a couple of mental men over the years and I blame it on seeing my mum with my fuckwit of a dad (they eventually separated and he got a bit more of a grip as he didn't have someone he could depend on to do everything and cater to his moods.)

I try not to do it now and moods are a red flag/dealbreaker for me.