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Relationships

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Original poster

Following recent separation has he already had a woman round?

34 replies

mccalenterprise · 31/10/2021 17:14

I've read a lot of advice on here for women who suspect their partners to be cheating, and it has certainly helped me in the past, but I have a slightly different concern and am looking for some advice.

Due to having suspicions about my husband cheating, and being gaslit for well over a year, when my husband finally admitted to using escorts it was a relief to know I wasn't going crazy. But then the aftermath brought more grief and I knew for my mental health that I had to leave the marital home. We had shared that home for many years, we own it jointly mortgage-free. No decisions have yet been made on the house. He still lives there.

I've not been gone long but in the past two weeks I've developed that same feeling I had before when I knew he was lying but he wasn't admitting to anything. I think he's already seeing a woman, and I think she may have been in the marital home.

I don't object to him moving on. I do object to being lied to and to being kept in the dark. When I told him I was leaving him he was apparently inconsolable, continually asking me to change my mind, saying there was nobody else.

Yet I thought all along that he may have been having an affair. To hook up with someone this quickly following our separation could indicate that there was indeed someone already in the background.

I know some people might say I'm extra suspicious because of his admissions but my gut tells me it's not this. My suspicion did not come on immediately. There have been 'odd' signs which dovetail with the 'oddness' I felt about him before.

What can I do about this problem? I can't ask him directly as he'll just lie. I am concerned about the house and I'm concerned he may be lying to our children as well.

OP posts:

youvegottenminuteslynn · 31/10/2021 18:03

Have you spoken to a solicitor re finances and divorce?

He was having sex with women while you were married, so if he is having sex with women now then it wouldn't be a surprise - as hard as it may be for you to hear.

It doesn't change anything practically, of course it is fucking horrible for you emotionally and I completely get that, but you need to focus your energy now on your future - get a shit hot lawyer and find out your financial options and don't waste energy and headspace second guessing his behaviour or questioning him on what he is doing now you are no longer together.

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 31/10/2021 18:14

I think it's time to sell the house and go your own separate ways. Otherwise, he's still going to act as though he is a single man and continue to bring escorts and other women back to your joint home, which is vile really.

girlmom21 · 31/10/2021 18:21

I don't think it matters either way. Get the divorce started for your own sanity.

Original poster

mccalenterprise · 31/10/2021 18:23

I take on board the practical advice and it makes sense. I would just like to know the truth that's all, as outwardly he gives people the impression he's a great guy, respectable. I'm trying to act fairly, sensibly and compassionately regarding the divorce and the settlement, but I would like to know if I'm still being played. If I knew that I was still being played I would proceed with the divorce on entirely selfish grounds without attention to his welfare.

OP posts:

FinallyHere · 31/10/2021 18:26

proceed with the divorce on entirely selfish grounds

Do this regardless.

What he thinks, feels and says is no longer anything you need to be concerned about.

Dora26 · 31/10/2021 18:27

You are being played - now go sort upur divorce.

Original poster

mccalenterprise · 31/10/2021 18:34

I always said to a confidante that it would be interesting to see who would emerge as his new woman following my departure. And how long it would take.

If my gut is correct, if it's someone who he might have been cheating with in the past, he's not stupid - he would wait a while before going public.

That way he gets to be the guy whose wife divorced him but was lucky enough to find someone else so quickly afterwards. It's him still controlling the narrative and that really isn't on.

OP posts:

Ourlady · 31/10/2021 18:34

He has already cheated on you with escorts, he deserves no consideration whatsoever. Scummy little lying git!
I would get divorced and taking him for whatever I could.

katieg03 · 31/10/2021 18:37

Honestly with his form,you'll probably never get the whole truth out of him. You are probably just going to torture yourself more.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 31/10/2021 18:38

I take on board the practical advice and it makes sense. I would just like to know the truth that's all, as outwardly he gives people the impression he's a great guy, respectable.

But you already know he's now. He views women as a commodity up for sale because he's an escort user. He gaslit you before finally admitting it, also.

So he's a horrible prick who has not only cheated but also done so in a way that contributes to an industry that sees women abused, coerced, raped and trafficked.

Proceed on selfish grounds. Because he has been doing so for years and has a headstart on getting into the headspace of doing so.

This is your chance to safeguard YOUR future financially as much as humanly possible.

He's a punter. Punters are scum. Remind yourself of that if you doubt whether it's ok to be 'selfish' in the divorce. And also remind yourself that it's not always bad to be selfish. He's certainly been putting himself and his dick first for a long while, so it's not like the concept of being selfish is new to him.

He's a slimy little punter. The most satisfaction he'll get is you trying to work out what's going on with him and agonising over it all, agonising over whether you're being mean to him etc.

The best way to deal with him is not to. All through a solicitor from now on. Grey rock. Indifference, not anger. Get into business mode. This is a business negotiation for your legal team to handle and their job is to get you the best deal possible.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 31/10/2021 18:39

That was meant to say:

But you already know he's NOT.

Original poster

mccalenterprise · 31/10/2021 18:42

@youvegottenminuteslynn well that's a motivational post which I need to re-read, actually maybe I need to read it as a daily mantra.
What you said about the selfish thing, you know that hadn't actually occurred to me until your post.
Thank you x

OP posts:

Sparklfairy · 31/10/2021 18:42

i would just like to know the truth that's all

Unfortunately with a man like this you will never get the full truth out of him. The sooner you come to terms with this fact, you can start moving towards the "not giving a shit what he does" stage, which frankly, is bliss compared to tying yourself in knots.

Getting the house sold will be a very positive move towards that.

crimsonlake · 31/10/2021 18:43

I remember you posted about the exact same problem less than 48 hours ago if I am not wrong?

Buildingthefuture · 31/10/2021 18:45

At this point you already know he’s a liar. Using escorts whilst married is just yuck….but he already knows you know. You’ve seen him, in his true colours, for what he really is. So why would he hide his true character now? He won’t…what you are seeing is who he is. You’ve already left, torturing yourself about who he is or isn’t shagging won’t help you. Push through the divorce, get the best settlement you can and build a better life for yourself (easier said than done I know!)

Skyla2005 · 31/10/2021 19:02

@mccalenterprise

I think you already know. It's highly unlikely he would have found someone else that quick surely ? Get a solicitor and get the house up for sale why should he be carrying on in there with someone else it's still your home cheeky fucker

BananaPB · 31/10/2021 19:14

It doesn't matter if he's got a new woman or a different woman every night now that you've split up. You know he'll deny it unless you have evidence and will pretend that the new woman and you didn't overlap. The fact that he could use escorts while married proves he was emotionally detached a long time ago. Of course he's taking up a lot of headspace as you've just started the detaching process but I found it useful to catch myself and repeat "We are not together, it's not my business" each time my mind wandered into the same territory.

The divorce process is no fault. It doesn't matter whose fault it is, if you want one you can get one. It doesn't matter if he tells strangers that it's all your fault and you divorced him. You know what happened and what the truth is.

Get the house on the market imo He wasn't thinking about you when he used escorts and right now you need to focus on you and the children. He's not the man you married and you need to remind yourself that if you start feeling sorry for him.

Christmas1988 · 31/10/2021 19:19

Get back in the house and start divorce proceedings!

Doyoumind · 31/10/2021 19:27

I get it. It's eating you up but let it go. Yes, he's almost certainly had women round but you are moving on and you're well rid of him. Why do you need to prove he's lying? This is the kind of thinking that can become obsessive and the only person it damages is you. There is nothing positive that can come from pursuing this. He's a shit. Focus on yourself and your wellbeing.

category12 · 31/10/2021 19:39

Of course he's having women round.

cakecakecheese · 31/10/2021 20:21

I understand the need for answers and the truth but honestly it's just not worth it. Your energy will be better spent focusing on a new start away from him.

Dery · 31/10/2021 22:34

“I get it. It's eating you up but let it go. Yes, he's almost certainly had women round but you are moving on and you're well rid of him. Why do you need to prove he's lying? This is the kind of thinking that can become obsessive and the only person it damages is you. There is nothing positive that can come from pursuing this. He's a shit. Focus on yourself and your wellbeing.”

This. You have (with good reason) ended the relationship. You (with good reason) stood firm when he tried to persuade you not to end the relationship. There’s no point doing anything other than divorcing him ASAP now.

MMmomDD · 01/11/2021 00:15

OP - you told him it was over and moved out.
From that point on - he doesn’t owe you any ‘truth’. And he certainly doesn’t need to be telling his kids that he is having sex with someone.
Hard as it is - stop focusing on what he is doing or what people think.
There isn’t a narrative that matters. Or if you really care about scoring points - why not tell your friends you are divorcing because he used escorts.

Get on with your divorce and don’t be silly - get whatever share of everything that is legally yours.

WTF475878237NC · 01/11/2021 03:09

I understand this must really hurt OP. A part of you would probably like to see him become really low and remorseful. The truth is a man using escorts who has now lost his family isn't happily moving on. He's just continuing with the same avoidant way of coping with his unhappiness as before.

You already know the truth. He is a selfish liar who broke his promises. Get divorced.

Chocaholic9 · 01/11/2021 03:12

I would tell people the truth; that you left because he was using prostitutes.

You will probably never know the extent of it.

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