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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fooled by a charming married man

50 replies

Idiot2021 · 31/10/2021 12:36

Have I been duped! I met this lovely man on a weekend away, me with my girlfriends, him with his pals. Completely charmed by him, gave him my phone number. Few days later he contacts me, we exchange lots of messages and calls, all going great. He lives in the West Country, I don’t. He has a good job, loves football, golf, poker, his mates and his three young girls (children) by two different women. We meet, once intentionally for a lovely drink and he says he really likes me. And then again, by chance on another weekend away (with our respective friends), honestly that was a complete fluke.
I’m now developing feelings, I’m single. We talk some more and he then tells me as much as he likes me, it’s going nowhere as he’s married! And only recently married ( I guess in the past couple of years maybe). And then he tells me he won’t be leaving as he’s happy and has the freedom to go on weekends away with his friends, play golf etc. which incidentally, the absence of that freedom was one of the major break up factors of his first marriage!
I’ve cut contact, not going there now I know what’s what!
Wow! So now I’m left with these feelings of finally meeting what I thought to be someone who was going to be someone for me and nowhere to go! I’m feeling truly gutted for allowing myself to start to fall for someone (it’s never gone beyond a kiss, thank god), disgust at getting emotionally involved with someone who I was obviously an ego boost for and is married and generally not feeling good about myself.
People, how do you ever meet someone who actually is who they say they are and put your trust in that person? And if and when you are lucky enough to do so, do you ever trust that they’re not out there doing as he was/is? (He’s away right now on another mates weekend probably doing the same as he did with me). I need to not be that bitter person who trusts no-one, I just can’t be but maybe that’s the safest way to be?
Just needed to vent if anyone wishes to vent along with me!

OP posts:
Idolovetrees · 31/10/2021 12:41

What a wanker. Poor you. Nevermind, lucky escape.

FOJN · 31/10/2021 12:42

Sorry you were interviewed for the position of mistress. He reeled you in, withheld pertinent information, told you he could be available at weekends but wouldn't be leaving his wife and waited to see how you responded.

He's a deceitful pig who wants his cake and eat it. Be thankful you're not his poor wife.

Original poster
Idiot2021 · 31/10/2021 12:44

Oh totally!

OP posts:
Original poster
Idiot2021 · 31/10/2021 12:46

I love that, being interviewed for a mistress! I shudder at the thought. Scared for actually how to meet a genuine person when it appears there are some clever people out there happy to deceive.

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Original poster
Idiot2021 · 31/10/2021 12:48

And yes the poor wife! This is about trust on so many levels, trusting yourself you’re not doing anything wrong, beginning to put trust in others and then trusting the people in your life are looking out for you!

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TheFoundations · 31/10/2021 12:59

People, how do you ever meet someone who actually is who they say they are and put your trust in that person

You trust people until you get a niggling feeling, or a glaring sign that you ought not to trust them, and you move on straight away if you get that feeling.

There's no way of telling at the point when the lie is made, if they're a good liar. Don't beat yourself up for that. You're out of it before it pulled you too far in, and that's a good thing. The important thing for you now is to focus on 'forwards'. Don't spend your time wondering and wishing for what couldn't have been: Nothing could have been.

Self respect is key for you here: beating yourself up and feeling a fool is disrespectful. Understand that you've done what you've done for a reason, and that you will learn from it, and congratulate yourself, because next time, you'll know better.

The 'genuine' person you're after is the one who offers you continual and consistent feelings of trust, without niggling doubts. It takes time.

HugeAckmansWife · 31/10/2021 12:59

I suppose looking for a vaguely positive spin he was upfront with you quite early on and didn't do the usual 'its a dead marriage, staying for the kids, no sex, she doesn't care what I do' bollocks, or pretend to be single to get you into bed. Just chalk it up to experience and move on. As for future relationships, the way to be more sure is when you go to their place, meet their family etc.

Original poster
Idiot2021 · 31/10/2021 13:08

Thank you to the last two posters (I have no idea how to reply to you both directly!). You speak wise words. This is not about me longing for him or unrequited affection at all.
Just on this dreary Sunday, feeling a bit fed up with how I put myself out there to just be fooled. I feel like a stupid fool today! And I’m just questioning everything about trust and how I am and deal with it.
If and when I do think about chatting to another guy again, I want to do so without being laden down with suspicion but I guess it has to be this way. I probably just believe in romance just a little too much. I need to toughen up!

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Rangoon · 31/10/2021 13:33

Trust has to be earned in my view rather than starting from a position of trust and looking to be disillusioned. I never started out with a trusting nature about men when I was single which was lucky. I was asked out by married men, engaged men, men who had steady girlfriends, men who were leaving the country the next day and the weird chap who married somebody else while on holiday. There was also the chap who seemed to be working up to asking me to accompany him to some group sex evening with a bunch of pretentious and ageing academics somewhere in deepest suburbia! (I didn't stick around to find out the details but I have no idea why he thought I would have been anything other than horrified.)

I eventually asked point blank on first dates if they were or had been married and whether they had children and if so, how many. I got some very illuminating replies. I had actually known my husband for some years before we got together and his flatmate was a close friend of mine so I already knew a lot about him and he was who he said he was and was trustworthy. We've been together 30 years.

KintsugiForever · 31/10/2021 13:45

Don't beat yourself up about it; as soon as you knew the truth you exited. You should be proud of yourself for that, you have good boundaries and ultimately the bad behaviour is all his. If anyone should be feeling crap today, it's him.
As pp have said, don't automatically start from a position of unwavering trust....that needs to be earned and decent people will respect that as they will want that for themselves too. The best way to do this is to take time getting to know someone, trust your gut and don't be afraid to ask questions about relationship status etc. A decent guy won't mind being asked. Good luck and be happy today that you dodged a bullet with this guy. There are decent ones out there 😊

Original poster
Idiot2021 · 31/10/2021 14:09

@Rangoon, thank you for sharing those experiences. What amazing stories that gave you these life lessons. That’s kind of where I’m placing dupe man, in my life lesson folder. Oh well, onwards and upwards!

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Original poster
Idiot2021 · 31/10/2021 14:11

@KintsugiForever oh yes, the minute I found out it was game over, no qualms there. Such a shame as I did fall for it all. As you say, just got to start from a different perspective. Thank you!

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Sandybeachtowel · 31/10/2021 14:16

Wow, his previous marriage broke up because she didn’t allow him freedom for weekends away with his mates etc aka he was a selfish prick, didn’t muck in with the kids and would rather go out on the lash and play poker every weekend, than spend time with his family.
You have had the luckiest of escapes.
You fell for the fantasy you had in your head, the man you created in your mind…not the actual dude because the actual dude is a complete wanker!

BringOnTheOtherWorlders · 31/10/2021 14:17

As soon as you get a full name, run a background check.
My dating friends assume a man is married, unless proven otherwise.

MildRose · 31/10/2021 14:18

What an absolute twat! Sorry op.

At least you aren't married to him! Feel sorry for his wife tbh.

MildRose · 31/10/2021 14:19

Ugh, how to find one not like this? I wish I knew the answer to this as I'd make a fortune. So many dick heads around who think they're gods gift Halloween Hmm

LemonMeringueThreePointOneFour · 31/10/2021 14:21

Following because I have no fucking idea. Just been duped again by a man who seemed dependable and kind, but was actually (I think) a narcissist. He certainly wasn't very nice.

Trust no-one is my motto.

SleepingBunnies21 · 31/10/2021 14:23

We talk some more and he then tells me as much as he likes me, it’s going nowhere as he’s married!

He obviously should have told you as soon as you started chatting on the night out.
He was enjoying the attention, flirtation, spark, validation etc. so he didn't.

And perhaps hes actually strategic& manipulative enough to know a potential mistress/girlfriend investing & attaching before he tells them, is more likely to work out for him (whereas they're they're not attached attached all when first meeting and will likely move on to another guy there if they can).

Even if I just the first, he's a deceptive, immoral, low integrity, selfish creature; just be glad he's taken already avd his poor partner is the one hes treating like this.
Bet his first marriage broken down because of cheating and selfishness too.

Original poster
Idiot2021 · 31/10/2021 14:44

@Sandybeachtowel haven’t I had the luckiest escapes!! I know I have. I’m just obviously far too naive but lesson learnt/being realised! Thank you

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Original poster
Idiot2021 · 31/10/2021 14:46

@BringOnTheOtherWorlders how stupid have I been not to hear this advise before! Such a shame I (used to) just rely on my intuition. It makes me sad that this is the attitude you have to have and do these fundamental checks that someone is decent before anything else.

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Original poster
Idiot2021 · 31/10/2021 14:48

@MildRose yeah the poor wife. Wonder if I’ll ever be that poor wife in being so trusting of a partner in the future. I’m sitting here thinking about that, overthinking actually. I guess I need to come to the conclusion that maybe you can never really truly trust someone. There is a poor wife, she could be here now, completely and (thankfully) blissfully unaware and carrying on with her life, waiting for him to go home. Makes you think!

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Original poster
Idiot2021 · 31/10/2021 14:51

@LemonMeringueThreePointOneFour I’m sorry for your experience.
It’s feeling like your motto is a great survival one, it’s just very sad it probably has to be this way though isn’t it? I really don’t want to be that cynical and suspicious person in the future but maybe for all of our sakes, it’s what has got to be!

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Original poster
Idiot2021 · 31/10/2021 14:55

@SleepingBunnies21 yes, you’re so right with your analysis I fear! I think I’d be actually more at peace had he just said that at the start he was married etc. as I’m sure there are those would be happy to then knowingly carry on with the sham. Not me which is why it’s without question so over.
I’m now thinking of the previous wife, the current wife, the future hurt, the damage to children or he might, just might get away with it all and no one will ever be wiser (except me now!)

OP posts:
Dery · 31/10/2021 15:03

“Trust has to be earned in my view rather than starting from a position of trust and looking to be disillusioned.”

Completely agree with this. Start from a position of mistrust. Particularly with charming men. Trust should be earned.

When I was 18, my dad actually said to me “never believe what a man tells you about his love life”. Not really what you want to hear from your father but I’ve had dozens of opportunities over the years to test this on behalf of myself and friends and it’s always proven to be true (except with my DH - I know he didn’t lie because what he told me had me reeling somewhat since he’d come of age sexually pre-AIDS whereas I came of age in the mid-80s).

This guy sounds like a selfish prick. His first marriage broke down because his wife expected him to behave like a husband and father, not a single guy. His poor second wife. You’ve done nothing wrong, btw, this is on him.

Dery · 31/10/2021 15:06

It’s not cynical and suspicious to take your time to trust someone. It’s sensible. Your trust is a gift. You don’t give it to any old person just because they’re asking for it.