Fooled by a charming married man

[Idiot2021]

Have I been duped! I met this lovely man on a weekend away, me with my girlfriends, him with his pals. Completely charmed by him, gave him my phone number. Few days later he contacts me, we exchange lots of messages and calls, all going great. He lives in the West Country, I don’t. He has a good job, loves football, golf, poker, his mates and his three young girls (children) by two different women. We meet, once intentionally for a lovely drink and he says he really likes me. And then again, by chance on another weekend away (with our respective friends), honestly that was a complete fluke.
I’m now developing feelings, I’m single. We talk some more and he then tells me as much as he likes me, it’s going nowhere as he’s married! And only recently married ( I guess in the past couple of years maybe). And then he tells me he won’t be leaving as he’s happy and has the freedom to go on weekends away with his friends, play golf etc. which incidentally, the absence of that freedom was one of the major break up factors of his first marriage!
I’ve cut contact, not going there now I know what’s what!
Wow! So now I’m left with these feelings of finally meeting what I thought to be someone who was going to be someone for me and nowhere to go! I’m feeling truly gutted for allowing myself to start to fall for someone (it’s never gone beyond a kiss, thank god), disgust at getting emotionally involved with someone who I was obviously an ego boost for and is married and generally not feeling good about myself.
People, how do you ever meet someone who actually is who they say they are and put your trust in that person? And if and when you are lucky enough to do so, do you ever trust that they’re not out there doing as he was/is? (He’s away right now on another mates weekend probably doing the same as he did with me). I need to not be that bitter person who trusts no-one, I just can’t be but maybe that’s the safest way to be?
Just needed to vent if anyone wishes to vent along with me!

He's all but told you the first wife left him due to cheating ("freedom" ).

You've had a very lucky escape.

@Dery yes thank you for your last point. When he told me, I couldn’t have gotten away quick enough in case I was seen and thought to be complicit. I shudder to think I could even contribute any hurt to anyone.
The poor wives…. So awful to think at least one of them is still out there blissfully unaware of his behaviour.
Your dad sounds worldly wise and he has unbeknown become a guide for me now with that advise, so thanks to your dad!

@Dery abso-*-lutely! Love it!

@PicsInRed I know, it’s far too funny for words, if it wasn’t so sad!

Well dont feel bad. You have done nothing wrong here! He is an opportunist it seems.Imagine how his poor wife of a few years must feel married to a player.You have dodged a bullet here for sure

Thank you everyone for your post and messages, what a wise set of people you all are. I’m learning so much from each and every one of you. I’m sorry to read some awful tales of experience but seems you are learning so much from them. This is me today so again, thank you for taking time out to share this with me.
At least the duper has given me this wonderful, warm, enriching experience with you all! Thanks for that you player, whoever you’re playing with today!

@dottiedodah thank you, I’m beginning to get over myself a bit now thanks to you all with your wisdoms…..

@Dery

It’s not cynical and suspicious to take your time to trust someone. It’s sensible. Your trust is a gift. You don’t give it to any old person just because they’re asking for it.

This should be taught in school.

@Rangoon

Trust has to be earned in my view rather than starting from a position of trust and looking to be disillusioned. I never started out with a trusting nature about men when I was single which was lucky. I was asked out by married men, engaged men, men who had steady girlfriends, men who were leaving the country the next day and the weird chap who married somebody else while on holiday. There was also the chap who seemed to be working up to asking me to accompany him to some group sex evening with a bunch of pretentious and ageing academics somewhere in deepest suburbia! (I didn't stick around to find out the details but I have no idea why he thought I would have been anything other than horrified.)

I eventually asked point blank on first dates if they were or had been married and whether they had children and if so, how many. I got some very illuminating replies. I had actually known my husband for some years before we got together and his flatmate was a close friend of mine so I already knew a lot about him and he was who he said he was and was trustworthy. We've been together 30 years.

You can write a book! Shall I pass on the details of my publisher? I would definitely read it!!!

@TheFoundations I totally agree but then I think, turn all the kids cynical before they get out there but if maybe this is what it is now…..

@DuchessOfDisaster couldn’t they! I’d certainly buy from such a wise one…. I’m beginning to realise this false trust thing is wider than I dared thought. It has far reaching effects on so many people/all parties. Including maybe the duper who may not even trust in himself any more! Hhmmmnnnnn

[quote Idiot2021]@TheFoundations I totally agree but then I think, turn all the kids cynical before they get out there but if maybe this is what it is now…..[/quote]
It's not cynical. It's always been the same. There have always been people who will be dishonest and dupe others. There have always been people who will mislead, people who will over ride others' feelings to get what they want. It's always been the case that we all need the wisdom not to just march in, regardless, and trust willy nilly. Trust is earned.

You start with basic respect. If a person proves themselves to be capable of that, you trust them with a little more and a little more, and at the slightest sign of them breaking the trust, you back off.

It's not cynical to wear a seatbelt, is it? Just on the off chance that you might have an accident? It's not cynical to lock your doors at night. It's just a common sense precaution about a risk we know exists.

Op I’m sorry that this has happened to you. He is obviously a massive cockend and I feel dreadfully sorry for his wife and you. But actually, this reflects extremely well on you and the person that you are. Once you knew the score, you dumped him like the turd that he is….good for you, boundaries and self respect firmly intact.
But (to use a very old saying) don’t let one bad apple spoil the barrel! You have done nothing wrong here, you are a trusting, decent, honest human being. Be vigilant but stick to your core character. I work almost exclusively with men, have done for 25+ years and they are definitely NOT all like this! And I have to say, after the plethora of OW posts on MN recently, your post has reminded me that there is still some good in human nature!!!!

@TheFoundations thank you, I like to expand my mind and you’ve certainly done that, why wouldn’t you do those things to protect yourself? Basic common sense!. I’ve just not thought that way so as I say, thank you.

@Buildingthefuture as the day and this post has progressed, my thoughts have moved from my own wallow to that of feelings to his wife. I have the benefit of this knowledge, she doesn’t. Your comments aimed to me are very lovely and thank you
But you know, your view from the mans point of view is really interesting. It certainly hasn’t made me feel different about men in general, it’s the trust part that’s got me really thinking, which can be either man or woman as we all know! I do trust that men aren’t all the same in as much as there are some women without principles. My original thoughts for posting were for me personally, how I easily trust everyone, which thanks to everyone here has taught me I need to make more resilient. Those lessons can be learned by both men and women.
It sounds like you do a great and rewarding job by the way!

3 kids by 2 women would have put me off to be honest.

I don’t think there’s any way to tell until they show their colours. I was an unwitting ow with a very dear (I thought) college friend. We were out of touch for a couple of years, and when we met up he came on strong and persistently. I wasn’t even keen because I didn’t want to risk what I thought was a great friendship. The bastard was cheating on his fiancée and I was his last fling.

@Mookie81 blimey, it’s so laughable how I was ‘way back then’, it didn’t even register that it would be a flag. To be very honest with you, when he told me that I thought “oh, he seems like a good family man”. Er, yes, big note to self to really get myself in the real world somewhat! I’ve just been out of the dating game for so long and that (now I know gem) piece of information I just assumed would be normal for people not in their 20s/30s! Such a revealing day for me! Honestly, thank you!

@thelegohooverer oh, I’m sorry to hear that happened to you. What an honour though to be considered good enough to be the last fling! I hope it hasn’t scarred you too much though in all seriousness. I have had a very close lucky escape, how awful to be led on so badly as you have. Wishing you well.

I nearly lost my heart to one who told me about his first, failed marriage without mentioning his second, perfectly fine and ongoing one. Selective with the truth, some of them.

@DoesHePlayTheFiddle I can’t help but wonder if we met the same bloke! I could have seen me losing my heart to ‘mine’ until he did the right thing and tell me a bit more about his situation…..

Be thankful you found out now!

@gingerlyme yes I am, seems so many aren’t so ‘lucky’ !

Just be glad you're not his poor wife. I never understand how men like this have a whole circle of mates willing to enable the cheating and deceit. They must meet up with his wife and look her in the eye knowing he's out chatting up and meeting women every weekend, and tell her nothing.

It's pathetic how much of a cliche these men are, tbh. Irresponsible, leaving all the childcare and housework to the woman and then complaining that they're bored and their wife is a nag.

@CecilieRose that’s another angle I hadn’t even thought about! That’s where the trust is, amongst the groups of men who are all doing the same!!
How depressing for the poor wife who really is not only the last person to know but deceived by her husband and all of his friends on a large scale.
He was more than willing to introduce me to his friends so they are all complicit! Hhmmmn interesting thoughts.!