Feeling shamed for being sexual - have you ever experienced this?

[Vanillacheeseke]

I’ve been dating a guy for over two months now. We are both in our 50s. We have long, interesting chats and enjoy spending time together, he’s smart, caring and attentive.
The chemistry was very strong from the onset and we both acknowledged that, and I’ve enjoyed being intimate with him - until recently…
I am a mature woman with a healthy self esteem. I feel confident in bed, I see intimacy & passion as something beautiful, an expression of my femininity, connection & feelings towards the other person.
However, his recent comments start making me feel like it’s shameful for me to be sexual (but he likes sex!): ‘your kisses are too sexy, I get too aroused’ or ‘you want to seduce me again’ or ‘you like sex don’t you?’. It’s also the way he says it, as if I’m guilty of leading him down the erotic path. Just to explain: we have sex maximum once a week and I definitely don’t chase him for it!
Anyway - I’ve realised that we are not compatible and we should part ways as his comments have been a major turn off for me and are ruining the joy of the experience. My self esteem has not suffered but I just wanted to ask if any of you have ever encountered men like that? For me it feels like a sexist, outdated attitude?

I've definitely had this, as a woman with a healthy sex drive and interests. My current DP is delighted tbh! Find you a man (or woman) who adores your sexual side and never shames or belittles you for it.

@Raychelle

Yes I’ve had this. I always thought most men wanted a sexually forward woman, but I’ve found the opposite to be true.

Some comments I’ve had are “too porn star” “too forward” “always up for it” these comments are all in the context of a relationship as I don’t sleep around or have one night stands etc. Seems us women cannot win when it comes to sex.

I think this is true and false at the same time, I think a lot men want women who are confident in the bedroom, but the actual reality of this can take a little bit of getting used to, but once used to it, it’s great 👍🏼

@JustAnother0ldMan yes I guess I can understand that some men have had relationships with not enough sex, so to go somebody who’s forward about it might be a shock at first.

^recently he's made comments about me acting like " a dirty old woman " or a lech because I've grabbed his bum or kissed him enthusiastically etc and it's left me feeling shit.
However, I can't help feeling that I'm a hypocrite because I used to say similar to exdh when he tried to come near me and I was no longer attracted to him. So I worry what this means^

@Clovertoast You are grabbing someone's arse without warning? Yes, to be fair, a lot of people are not going to like that. But I suppose if a bloke doesn't like it from a woman, it might imply he's a bit timid.

@Raychelle
Yes, I’ve been on both sides, from relationships with women who are bit “passive” in the bedroom to a partner who was very clear about what she wanted, and it is quite a shock to the system, but it’s good.

Thank you all for your comments, it’s an interesting read, and a slightly sad one, hearing that so many women had somewhat similar experiences. I’m really sorry if my post was triggering for some, that was not my intention.

It’s disappointing…and enlightening for me as I really thought such attitudes to women & sex were a thing of the past. I guess I was lucky enough that my two ex partners (that’s another thing he used to ‘joke’ about: how many partners I might have had..!) always appreciated that I found them attractive and wanted to be intimate.

I’ll be blunt and ask him about his beliefs on feminine sexuality - but I doubt he’ll be honest with me, as the shame is his, not mine really …

Seriously Vanillacheeseke
I would be dumping him and telling him that he wasn't your favourite lover anyway!
The ex from years ago that I mentioned earlier funny enough always seemed happy in the throes of passion but had a sneaky ir cutting remark to say after. It was like he wanted to cheapen me.
He was ( and probably still is)a shitbag

Oh wow. I've just had a lightbulb moment here. It was my first sexual relationship, a long time ago. He used to say those sort of things to me. He always came too quickly, I thought it was my fault. I've just connected the two. I always thought it must have been me, but I realise now he was less confident about me and about sex and made me feel embarrassed to be enjoying it. Thanks OP and this thread for telling me what I hadn't been able to see. I knew I should've dumped him sooner than I did! I've since been happily married for years but that relationship left scars on my sexual self esteem.

@TheLeadbetterLife

A lot of men are an absolute mess when it comes to sex. Porn addiction, violent fetishism, madonna / whore complexes - there's a lot of it out there. Male culture needs to sort its shit out.

THIS^

There are in my estimation the group that are just fucked up. Then there are the group who in their unaware narcassitic state, use sex to control.

It seems in your original OP, OP that you inherently realise the issue is with him. (It is). Not you. I think you will be fine but equally it's bang on for you to pause and reflect at the end of a relationship. Very wise.

I had a man like that..on a first date he said I hope you like lots of sex, I love it.
Then a few dates in and we were at mine and had sex both had actually said yes we wanted to have sex, after he said That’s not what I came round for, you need to have a bath and go to bed! He made me feel so ashamed I actually cried.

@Raychelle

Yes I’ve had this. I always thought most men wanted a sexually forward woman, but I’ve found the opposite to be true.

Some comments I’ve had are “too porn star” “too forward” “always up for it” these comments are all in the context of a relationship as I don’t sleep around or have one night stands etc. Seems us women cannot win when it comes to sex.

Yeah and this^ We cannot win.

I'll be frank. Sex as withdrawl is a huge method of control (manipulation) which is not restricted to males on females. At all. In fact it is I think far less likely to work on females.

The reasons for this are complex. Too complex to really detail fully. They centre largely on how females percieve sex in general. Most porn focuses on male enjoyment. Most housework/childcare is still in the female 'zone' (tiredness). Sex assaults/rape are very largely m to f. It's actually no bloody wonder that some females actually say, Sex? Can't be arsed. But not all. This then can lead into the accusations that a 'normal' (sex drive) is somehow abnormal when in fact we are all unique. I think, in fact I firmly believe in the old Dom/sub psychological trick. Find out what the sub wants, give it then withdraw it. You can also read for a controller to the controlled, find out what they crave, give it, then withdraw, then give it again, then withdraw. Repeat and rinse.

In your case OP, it simply did not work and you are questioning why?

The concept of a woman who fully understands her sexuality, body, mind etc is dangerous to society. Very dangerous indeed. Where ultimately would it lead?

Finally, to add. I am kink. I educate myself on my body and have done so for many years. I could be you, OP. I know what I like, when I like it and how I like it. A dangerous place. I can also live without it although I utterly adore everything about sex. For me, not to the point of random hookups although I do not judge others. Its simply not for me.

Really appreciate your OP. It's made me think.

Yep also when I was seeing a guy who was about to reach 50. Sexual chemistry was instant and I slept with him on the first date. I wasn't looking for something full on but fancied him alot so just thought oh well why not. I wouldn't have minded if it was just a one night thing. But we did actually end up dating for quite a while.
He started saying exactly what you've said above. It was kind of off putting and at first I felt like then he was trying to shame me for having a healthy appetite. Then I found out he was a secret coke head and struggled to get it up so rather than admit it he just tried to make out I was abnormal for wanting sex more than twice a week. Yeah it didn't last that long obvs I ended it once his erm problem was discovered. Now I have great sex with whoever I want as often as I want it without any of the issues men in their 50s bring to the party ha ha ha.

My most recent ex was an older guy (late 50s - dunno if that’s relevant tho, probably not) and he too would make comments that basically implied I was horrendously over sexed, gagging for it all the time and constantly seducing him. Basically he considered himself more attractive than me and this was all part of it. (I’m fact he was a very highly sexed person himself - nothing wrong with that, if he’s expressed it openly and happily rather than needing to make out he was being seduced against his while).

When I think about it, I remember he was the same with his FWB type person he was with on and off before me (I was close friends with him before we got together) - he used to text me saying “oh God, Sheila (not her real name) is coming over and she’s going to want sex - what do I do?” Well, presumably, shag her if you want to or say no if you don’t, but FFS stop making out you are the innocent victim of her wicked machinations….

No, my current partner will also sometimes make jokey comments about him being innocent and me having my wicked way with him, but it is SO obviously a joke (he is extremely highly sexed, has no problem showing that, and is basically extremely comfortable in his own sexual him). So, similar type of comments, but from him I just find them funny.

Context is everything.

But yes there are men out there who love a sexually forward woman - I’ve got one and have also met plenty of others. Some will outright hate it, the twats, and others will be conflicted, loving it on some levels but also hating it on others and so subtly belittling you for it. It’s a power game, and these are also twats to be avoided, in my experience.

Don’t let this one put you off - hope you find a good one next! X

Yep had this too. I have had guys who have commented on my enthusiasm but they were clearly happy about it and I felt it was a compliment not a dig. Then there were guys who were obviously turned off by the fact that I was responding well about even the idea of sex-- didn't even get to the bedroom! These men don't know what they want. They think they want an enthusiastic woman but really they think such women are whores, in a bad way. They get scared about their own ability to deal with this and control it. These are the 'wham bam thank you ma'am' types who also seem turned off by the idea of foreplay. Very confused chaps.

Interesting topic. Would like to think things have moved on though there are still double standards at play in society. On the one hand women are sexualised so.much through culture, advertising (and porn), yet an individual woman confidently expressing her sexuality is seen as a threat in many quarters still.

I've always seen sexual confidence in a woman as a positive, and being the centre of such attention is a great ego boost. From the comments on here though seems a lot of men unfortunately appear to be somewhat repressed with a few hang ups - wonder if some cultures are better/worse on this than others.

@Exiledmancguy
Not sure if a culture thing or an ‘experience’ thing ?
My exW liked sex (well, she didn’t say no very often), but she was not confident or outgoing enough to initiate sex, whereas my exPartner was very happy to initiate if she wanted sex, and that was new experience for me, and a very welcome experience at that.

As you said not the guy for you. Others would love the way you are. Just move on.