Feeling shamed for being sexual - have you ever experienced this?

[Vanillacheeseke]

I’ve been dating a guy for over two months now. We are both in our 50s. We have long, interesting chats and enjoy spending time together, he’s smart, caring and attentive.
The chemistry was very strong from the onset and we both acknowledged that, and I’ve enjoyed being intimate with him - until recently…
I am a mature woman with a healthy self esteem. I feel confident in bed, I see intimacy & passion as something beautiful, an expression of my femininity, connection & feelings towards the other person.
However, his recent comments start making me feel like it’s shameful for me to be sexual (but he likes sex!): ‘your kisses are too sexy, I get too aroused’ or ‘you want to seduce me again’ or ‘you like sex don’t you?’. It’s also the way he says it, as if I’m guilty of leading him down the erotic path. Just to explain: we have sex maximum once a week and I definitely don’t chase him for it!
Anyway - I’ve realised that we are not compatible and we should part ways as his comments have been a major turn off for me and are ruining the joy of the experience. My self esteem has not suffered but I just wanted to ask if any of you have ever encountered men like that? For me it feels like a sexist, outdated attitude?

@Tal45

Maybe he's just not used to a women who is sexually confident and actually keen to have sex with him? I think you need to be really blunt with him on this and ask him if he thinks there's something wrong or unusual about a woman enjoying and wanting sex because his attitude is starting to give you the ick.

100% this

@Angrymum22

There is nothing wrong with enjoying sex but I suspect that most men don’t actually come across that many women who ‘love’ sex. Even after 30yrs with DH he still is in awe of my enthusiasm. I was chatting with my DSis recently. She is twice divorced and has been dating over the last few years. Her last relationship ended because she found her bc comment about her liking ‘dirty’ sex a bit weird. Nothing kinky or fetish , but she was happy to initiate and thoroughly enjoys giving oral sex. Apparently’ dirty’ is what most men dream of but may find a bit intimidating when they actually are confronted by it. Best to find someone who appreciates your talents.

Absolutely this, i have only had one partner (not had many), who have ‘loved’ sex and have initiated on a regular basis, it was a new experience for me, and as PP suggests actually a bit intimidating, but it does make sex more ‘equal’ as both parties take responsibility to keep things moving along ( if that makes sense) .

Women are vilified for not wanting sex,then vilified if they do,we'll never be able to get it right.

God, I had one of these once. He also said that I "gave myself to him too early" 😳

I don’t see an issue tbh. It sounds like naff sex talk to me

Arrrgh. he's cringeworthy, well done for deciding to dump.

Reckon you are more attractive/sexy than him, & he is negging you.

Either way - it's an odd little dominance display. You don't need to stick around to discover what else he decides to offer his unwelcome running commentary on.

@Vanillacheeseke

I understand it’s difficult to explain in writing…it’s the context and the pattern. It’s like I’m always the one trying to seduce him and initiate sex (I’m not) but said in a way that is not flattering (not ‘I feel great that you are attracted to me’, more like a slightly arrogant ‘you just can’t say no to me, can you, I’m so irresistible’). Not sure if I’m explaining the difference well…

You are.

He's making you out to be sleazy.
He's all but sneering at you (disguising it just enough that he doesn't get kicked out of bed.)

I think it's to do with their ego and wanting to be in control of the sex. You being so willing shows him how confident you are and not a stereotype of being meek and mild and grateful for sex from the big powerful man. Something is triggering him about that.
I know what you mean and it's actually made me think when I've been shamed. Reading your post has helped. I was told recently I was too loud and it was putting him off. We were in a hotel with no one around. I stopped and didn't want to carry on as I felt shamed and also thought he liked noise. Just when he wants it I guess. Was such a passion killer to be told in that way mid sex. Wasn't the only time as well

The more I think about it, the more I feel uncomfortable 😕

I do see the problem. I haven’t experienced this but would feel exactly the same about what he’s saying as you do. What’s his problem? You’ll probably never really know. You sound great. Bin him off and find someone who appreciates your zest for life and all its pleasures! This one has issues and who’s got time to waste trying to unpick them.

Go forth and find someone on the same wave length. Life is short.

Oh no, he actually said your shouting is scaring me. Said that me mid sex. I didn't realise I was shouting. I don't think I was. I stopped immediately.
I've also been told if we lived together if I had my way we'd do it every day as I can't get enough.
Er, ok then.
Oh god this post has unveiled a few things

I think what’s off putting is that it’s not just that he thinks you can’t resist him, but that also his own lack of self-esteem makes him think, well, I know I’m NOT irresistible, therefore it can’t be that she’s attracted to me and would just throw herself at anyone as she’s desperate for sex. So he has to subtly neg you for it as his own insecurities mean he could never be happy with a woman who actually wants sex with him!

@Tal45

Maybe he's just not used to a women who is sexually confident and actually keen to have sex with him? I think you need to be really blunt with him on this and ask him if he thinks there's something wrong or unusual about a woman enjoying and wanting sex because his attitude is starting to give you the ick.

Yes that could be it. My DP seemed surprised how much I enjoy and initiate sex as he just wasn't used to it, more so after a long marriage. I don't think his comments are too offensive, however difficult to know his tone and other comments.

My ex was like that. But he was an abusive cunt and it was part of the abuse.

Yes, I have encountered this once, too. A guy I dated resisted most of my attempts to be intimate. He lectured me about how relationships aren't all about sex, and that they should be about cuddling and touch that wasn't sexual.

I found out he was a porn addict; he would wank off after I left. He made me feel like there was something wrong with me for having sexual desires.

I like something men like this have a madonna/whore complex. It turns them off when the woman they thought was a madonna turns out to be a whore, in their eyes. Horrible to say it but that's what I discovered about the guy I dated.

When I dumped him, he berated me about the first time we made love. At the time, he lost his erection, which I put down to nerves but I guess it wasn't nerves because his parting shot was that I acted like a porn star when we first made love and it was disgusting. All I was doing was having what I thought was lovely, normal sex.

Bullet dodged!

Unfortunately this isn't an unusual attitude in many men. They want a willing enthusiastic partner but then feel almost affronted if they get one because women ought to be sweet and demure and need to be won over and seduced. A woman who seems "too" enthusiastic makes him uncomfortable (even if the sex itself is great). This is where the "filthy slut"/"dirty bitch" type talk comes from, as if when a woman enjoys sex she must be dirty/promiscuous/unwomanly. The comments OP mentions are milder but I reckon essentially versions of the same way of thinking.

Sounds like he gets his kicks out of the idea of a woman being "slutty". Maybe a prudish/disapproving upbringing? Shame that you're disappointed, but this wouldn't be the only clash, would it?

Maybe he's the sort of man who can only see women in Madonna / whore terms. He can't cope with your healthy libido and that's his problem not yours.

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

I get shamed for not wanting it. Frigid, old woman etc etc. You can't win either way.

Ugh, this.

I have never wanted to have sex and the comments I’ve gotten….
I’ve also been called frigid.
And prude.
And a lot of virgin shaming through my life.

OP you don't need to justify yourself ("we only have sex once a week" etc). His comments and attitude are very sexist and demeaning. No wonder you have gone off him. I'm glad you're ending it with him.

A lot of men are an absolute mess when it comes to sex. Porn addiction, violent fetishism, madonna / whore complexes - there's a lot of it out there. Male culture needs to sort its shit out.

I've had similar too with DP of 20 months. I really enjoy sex and find him attractive, however just recently he's made comments about me acting like " a dirty old woman " or a lech because I've grabbed his bum or kissed him enthusiastically etc and it's left me feeling shit.
However, I can't help feeling that I'm a hypocrite because I used to say similar to exdh when he tried to come near me and I was no longer attracted to him. So I worry what this means

@Vanillacheeseke
in most of the relationships I’ve been in (not that many), I have always been the ‘instigating partner’, and sometimes it worked and we had sex and sometimes I would be rejected.

when I met a partner who instigated sex, it was big change for me and intimidating at the beginning, upto this point , I had been the partner ‘asking’ for sex, and suddenly someone was ‘asking me’ for sex, that’s actually quite a big change and initially difficult to get my head around, and that’s probably why he is making those comments, as it’s a position he has never been in before (no pun intended)

Omg this has bought back memories.
I had what seemed like a fabulous relationship years ago with a bloke I fancied like mad and he was just amazing. I felt like we had a connection and I felt liberated but it turned into 'wow, you like giving blow jobs, youve must have had LOADS of experience' , as if I was giving them out to any randomer that walked past me!. I laughed that one off but felt uncomfortable with what he was meaning.
Comments like that kept popping up. I was young then and quite timid. Now I would tell him to get to fuck and how dare he imply things about me when he is doing and enjoying the same thing the hypocrite!.
Its had a massive consequences on my marriage as its always in the back of my head somewhere that I shouldnt properly let myself go.

@TheLeadbetterLife

A lot of men are an absolute mess when it comes to sex. Porn addiction, violent fetishism, madonna / whore complexes - there's a lot of it out there. Male culture needs to sort its shit out.

Amen to this. It is so, so disappointing. They want sex from you but hate you for 'letting' them have it and think even less of you if you seek it out. NAMALT obvs

It took me way too long to realise one night stands/flings were bad for me. Too many men have the habit of being pre-emptively vile/nasty to you after sex in case you get clingy. And then talk badly about you even though you've done nothing different to them. A particular charmer told me i only wear my knickers to keep my ankles warm...after we'd had sex of course.

Good old fashioned misogyny.

Genuinely convinced straight men as a whole do not like women at all, just the services they can provide.

Yes I’ve had this. I always thought most men wanted a sexually forward woman, but I’ve found the opposite to be true.

Some comments I’ve had are “too porn star” “too forward” “always up for it” these comments are all in the context of a relationship as I don’t sleep around or have one night stands etc. Seems us women cannot win when it comes to sex.