Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Husband literally said 'I wear the trousers'

37 replies

JC2021 · 31/10/2021 07:58

Me and my husband haven't got on too well for a long time, we try as our DS is only 3.

I'm fully financially responsible on him (big massive mistake, I know)

I've wrote about him/our relationship before.

He acts too private for my liking - he works in an outbuilding in the garden and locks the door, he has a safe that I don't have access to and will often buy big purchases on his own card not our joint one. Our house has cctv fitted from the previous owner and he has access to it, I did and then all of a sudden mine stopped working.

There's a few odd behaviours there.

Last night we argued and he literally said 'I pulled you up into the middle class' and 'I wear the trousers'

I questioned why he was putting purchases for the house on another card and not our joint one. I said show me. He showed me the receipt and said I'm controlling.

He also said I am out of touch with reality and am useless with money.

I am still here. We have not yet divorced. I know that is the way to go. I am planning a few things.

I'm gobsmacked and we are both now so disrespectful to each other.

He also brought up a time when we were young, boyfriend and girlfriend and he payed for our first holiday at the time I said I would pay him back and I never did. This was about 13 years ago. Yes I have made mistakes.

He seems so angry toward me, as I do to him. I've been a fucking housewife and now a mother. I've given so much and ignored every need of my own. Even when I was working, I would be doing everything around the house, all the chores as well before baby or being a SAHM. At the time, I didn't question or even think about it. He's a lazy bastard and expects the women to do all house shit and childbearing.

I'm fuming.

OP posts:

Treacletoots · 31/10/2021 08:05

Well what did you expect OP? He treated you like a skivvy before you had DC. Yet you had a child and then became totally financially dependant on him knowing what he was like.

But, you are where you are. You know you need to leave. He's treating you appallingly on all levels. Who owns the house, can you start working again, get legal advice if you can and get your ducks in a row because it's not going to get any better..

category12 · 31/10/2021 08:09

I'd speak to a solicitor asap. And if there are a lot of assets/he's a high earner, you'll probably want a forensic accountant too.

Divorce sounds like your best possible move.

Original poster

JC2021 · 31/10/2021 08:12

I don't work, I have no income of my own.

My son has only just started local nursery 3 mornings a week.

He doesn't have a full time place until September '22.

I am well and truly lost to be honest.

My doing my choices I know. Hindsight is always a virtue.

OP posts:

femfemlicious · 31/10/2021 08:13

You need to go back to work.

Couples need to stop having several children so close together and the wife stopping work unless it was always the plan before marriage. It ruins marriages.

Original poster

JC2021 · 31/10/2021 08:13

He owns the house and has financed everything. We are married and I believe things are considered joint.

I've been with him for many years. We have both changed.

His ego and grown bigger and bigger. He said I have gone 'bananas' since having our son..

OP posts:

Original poster

JC2021 · 31/10/2021 08:14

So it's work or divorce?

I'm sure he won't change whether I work or not.

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 31/10/2021 08:16

No but if you work you have some independence and can make some money ready for when you do leave

MsWalterMitty · 31/10/2021 08:17

@femfemlicious

You need to go back to work.

Couples need to stop having several children so close together and the wife stopping work unless it was always the plan before marriage. It ruins marriages.

I agree with this. The is a 5 yr aged gap between my children as i wasn’t willing to give up working/progressing career because of children.

You need to get a job

MsWalterMitty · 31/10/2021 08:17

@JC2021

So it's work or divorce?

I'm sure he won't change whether I work or not.

No, it’s work AND divorce

category12 · 31/10/2021 08:18

Work and divorce.

But definitely divorce. He sounds awful.

inininsomnia · 31/10/2021 08:18

It doesn't matter if he changes. What changes if you work is your ability to finance your own future and make your own decisions.

RandomMess · 31/10/2021 08:18

Urgh his attitude is vile. Just keep the goal of divorce and happiness in mind and get your ducks in a row.

If he's self employed he may well have financed the house and everything through his business so there are no marital assets.

Have you looked up the deeds of the house to see what name it's in?

Cattitudes · 31/10/2021 08:22

Why not work and divorce. Can you honestly see yourself with him in 30 years? If not rip the plaster off now and plan to leave. Whether that is now with help from family or in a few years once you have a job and are more independent. What sort of work did you do before / what would you like to do. You presumably have 20-30 years of working life ahead of you so think about what would make you happy and fulfilled.

femfemlicious · 31/10/2021 08:29

Go back to work asap. Even if you are divorcing get back to work starting the divorce. Put your child on full time nursery/childminder

Sundancerintherain · 31/10/2021 08:30

Speak to a solicitor and get advice.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/10/2021 08:34

"Me and my husband haven't got on too well for a long time, we try as our DS is only 3"

A choice your son won't thank either of you for making either. He is not glue nor should be used as such to bind you and he together. What do you want to teach your son about relationships and what is he learning here?. You want him to grow up thinking that this relatoinship model should be his "norm" too?.

You have been writing about your H for quite some time now and he , along with his accompanying huge ego, treats you overall with sheer contempt. You and he should no longer be together. How old were you when you met this person and were you in a bad place yourself at that time?.

2catsandhappy · 31/10/2021 08:44

Horrible man. My ex would strut about saying "I put the roof over your head." Like I was a charity case.
Every time I raised me going back to work he said the cost of nursery would be more than I earned.
It took me a few years to realise he LOVED the power he had over me.
He also loved not lifting a finger around the house. He would literaly tell people that I didn't work. Complained about how much I cost him.
I divorced him. I recall my barrister correcting him in court, she said that I didn't do paid work outside the home. My contribution was equal to his.
I got an evening job in a supermarket. He didn't like that. He couldn't go to the pub 6 nights a week. I was supposed to shut up and put up.
He was really shocked that I divorced him. Got nasty too. Tried to get 100% custody. Offered me 2 hours a week visitation. Bastard. Thank goodness mediation was mandatory.
Start with getting a pt job. The dynamic will change. Perhaps you can make it work. My ex couldn't cope maybe yours will.

user1471538283 · 31/10/2021 08:48

I would get a job and childcare and squirrel money away. He clearly only respects paid work. You need to be careful about how he is financing stuff.

What is it with these men that think they are doing you a favour?

Smartiesandhugs · 31/10/2021 09:09

Agree with PPs. Find alternative childcare that has more availability and get yourself a job.

Your child will pick up on the tension at home and it’s not a good place to bring him up even though you think you are doing the right thing. Sorry

TaraR2020 · 31/10/2021 09:17

I agree, do you best to start working again even if a little and build up as much as possible.

Also start tracking down and making copies of all important financial and legal docs and keeping them somewhere safe.

I'd also get rid of internal cctv, sounds unbearable.

Original poster

JC2021 · 31/10/2021 09:25

Getting a proper job won't be easy now so I guess I'll look into retail coffee shop with the hours I have available to work.

I will not move my son out of his current nursery. He has only just started and needs stability. This is something I feel strongly about. He likes his nursery and is just starting to make friends.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 31/10/2021 09:38

You could look for evening and weekend work and his Dad can look after him.

Mamette · 31/10/2021 09:45

femfemlicious
You need to go back to work.

Couples need to stop having several children so close together and the wife stopping work unless it was always the plan before marriage. It ruins marriages.
I agree with this. The is a 5 yr aged gap between my children as i wasn’t willing to give up working/progressing career because of children.

You need to get a job

Fair enough but the OP only has one child?

MrMrsJones · 31/10/2021 09:47

What is he hiding in his office, can you get access?

You need to get all paperwork ready so you can show to a solicitor.

Do you have access to money to buy things or are you given pocket money

LemonTT · 31/10/2021 09:50

If you are seriously considering divorce then you should see a solicitor before you do anything. Arm yourself with as much financial information as you can get about the family finances.

It’s not always advisable to get a job in your circumstances if you are planning on a divorce. It might be but often it isn’t.

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread