Husband literally said 'I wear the trousers'

[JC2021]

Me and my husband haven't got on too well for a long time, we try as our DS is only 3.

I'm fully financially responsible on him (big massive mistake, I know)

I've wrote about him/our relationship before.

He acts too private for my liking - he works in an outbuilding in the garden and locks the door, he has a safe that I don't have access to and will often buy big purchases on his own card not our joint one. Our house has cctv fitted from the previous owner and he has access to it, I did and then all of a sudden mine stopped working.

There's a few odd behaviours there.

Last night we argued and he literally said 'I pulled you up into the middle class' and 'I wear the trousers'

I questioned why he was putting purchases for the house on another card and not our joint one. I said show me. He showed me the receipt and said I'm controlling.

He also said I am out of touch with reality and am useless with money.

I am still here. We have not yet divorced. I know that is the way to go. I am planning a few things.

I'm gobsmacked and we are both now so disrespectful to each other.

He also brought up a time when we were young, boyfriend and girlfriend and he payed for our first holiday at the time I said I would pay him back and I never did. This was about 13 years ago. Yes I have made mistakes.

He seems so angry toward me, as I do to him. I've been a fucking housewife and now a mother. I've given so much and ignored every need of my own. Even when I was working, I would be doing everything around the house, all the chores as well before baby or being a SAHM. At the time, I didn't question or even think about it. He's a lazy bastard and expects the women to do all house shit and childbearing.

I'm fuming.

Agreed it’s work and divorce. It sounds like your priority should be getting your dc out of a toxic home atmosphere where his parents have no respect for each other and his dad is a controlling, gaslighting arsehole and that will have a bigger effect on him growing up that him having to change nurseries once.

My parents were in a toxic relationship and my dad sounds similar to your DH brother grew up to be a carbon copy of my dad. Please look at getting yourself out of there.

Ahh OP! I do feel for you! You have so many threads on this issue and it's clear you are struggling with DH and your MIL and my heart breaks for you but you need to take that first step for anything to change in your circumstances. You need to either get your son into another nursery where he can go 30 hrs a week so you can get a part time job, or you need to file for divorce. You do have options, you just need to make a move.
You say your son needs stability, you said. Well, his stability is not going to come from a nursery that he attends 3 mornings a week. He gets stability form a happy and content home life. I don't mean to sound harsh but you need to prioritise. Wishing you all the best

I actually heard these same words come out the mouth of the husband of a friend of mine. They are since divorced. He was a vile man.

Surely your time when your child is in nursery would be better spent studying/retraining than working for minimum wage? Is there anything you'd like to do that could lead to better paid work in the future?

It literally feels like them against me now - husband has been onto the phone to his mum most of the afternoon upstairs I dread to think of the conversation taking place - I can't understand it anyway as it's in Russian

@Motherland101

Thank you 🙏 you are right in all you say. That first step is the hardest

It’s work AND divorce, and a ’proper’ job isn’t necessarily out of reach.

You could look at a childminder, a second nursery, talking to his existing nursery about going on the waiting list to increase the hours he currently does - all to facilitate you being available for a wider range of jobs.

But the main thing you need to do right now is find a job.

The second thing is get legal advice.

His ego and grown bigger and bigger. He said I have gone 'bananas' since having our son

Oh the classic bullshit line from men who say they want DC, then throw a mantrum when it turns out that babies need ... looking after.

Put on a massive pair of trousers OP, & wear them to an appointment with an excellent divorce lawyer. There's no coming back from the kind of crass comments he's making.

@JC2021

It literally feels like them against me now - husband has been onto the phone to his mum most of the afternoon upstairs I dread to think of the conversation taking place - I can't understand it anyway as it's in Russian

OP - seriously - fuck 'em.

The only person whose opinion of your marriage you need to pay any attention to is your divorce lawyer's. Don't forget to tell her about the cctv & your "mysterious" sudden loss of access to it - that's coercive control, right there.

I think once the resentment has reached this point where both partners have contempt for each other, it is almost impossible to resolve.

Definitely time to get back on your own feet financially and make a plan to move on from this.

I often don’t like when I read threads and lots of people are saying LTB when it’s something that can be worked through.
But in this case you absolutely need to leave.
This is not going to get better.
Do you really want to spend the next 10years being miserable.
Both of you are obviously very unhappy and your child will soon sense this and be unhappy themselves.

I’d actually look into moving out before you think about work.
You will get help to cover your rent and a small amount to live on. It’s not a lot but it’s just until you can find your feet.
Maybe Diwali to women’s aid and see what they suggest. I know to go on the housing list they need to send letters to your home address so it maybe that they think you should tell him just yet.

It is just an unbalanced relationship. He earns and controls the money. Its no good.