If you divorced due to H affair please tell me how you coped

[rugsnrats]

I've just discovered (after a niggly feeling for months) that my DH of 19 years has been having an affair with a co-worker. I am so devastated and utterly heartbroken. He says he loves me and will do anything to save our marriage but of course his actions show otherwise. I know in my heart our marriage is over. I never thought I would be in this position as we have had a wonderful relationship up until earlier this year when he became noticeably distant, working late, glued to his phone etc
I am so hurt, scared and feel completely hopeless. We have 2 teenage DD 's who will be devastated also.
If you have been in this position could you share how you coped?

OP, that must be a huge shock, I am so sorry. I remember that pain so well. Like I'd been kicked in the stomach.

My dds were much younger, in fact the youngest was a baby. But we had been together 17 years.

Take each day at a time. Tell people. Phone a friend, phone your parents. Don't keep it to yourself, you need support.

Don't make any rash decisions. I had a couple of days off work then found work to be the best place for me mentally.

You will cope. 8 years on and I'm still single (he is marrying the OW) but very happy. I'm very close to my dds.

Phone someone

So sorry you are going through this.💐

I also found out after 13 years of marriage and two young children. He'd been having an affair for 2 years ! During that time I had become pregnant and had our son , who was nine months old when I found out . She'd been his friend's wife ( and also a friend of mine). It was the worst time of my life.

Things he did still rankle with me . He told me that a work colleague had died and he needed to go away for a few days to attend the funeral, pay for accommodation etc. When I added up all the accounts from that time, I realised that he'd actually spent a long weekend with her in a country hotel. I felt like such a mug, staying home with my babies while he was shagging my friend . Ugh.

I went to my parents, and then found my own place - just a basement flat underneath a work friend's house. But it was a start. Work was good therapy - the routine and the stability were good for me . One day at a time. You're lucky that your children are teenagers - you can talk to them , things will be easier in some ways since they have their own lives . They can spend time with both of you without worries about access visits.

Best wishes to you OP. It does get easier, though some of it will stay with you forever. Take care of yourself and make sure to look after the financial side of things. Don't let him get away with anything ! Good luck.

The main thing is that you get divorced.
You'll be fine.

It's like a bereavement. You'll take time to get over it. Look after yourself and take one day at a time. One day you'll look back on it like a bad dream. I'm sending you a virtual hug.

Oh thank you so much for you kind words. The tears will not stop flowing just reading messages from the kindness of strangers. It is a pain I wouldn't wish on anyone. I know I will get through it but at the moment I'm just in a tailspin. I think even though I had a gut feeling some was off the actual reality of it has been a slap in the face I wasn't prepared for. I still love my H so so much and I can't reconcile that the person Ive known and loved since I was a teenager would do this.

I'm sorry OP

Rugsnrats I’m so very very sorry. Please know that right now you’re in shock. What your husband has done is unforgivable. My advice would be firstly to focus on you. Please try to eat, hydrate snd take time out to look after yourself. Surviving Infidelity forum is a great source of information and will help you to not feel so alone with all the emotions your going through. They have a really good separation and divorce forum the book ‘leave a cheater gain a life’ really helped me gain perspective in the first few months.

You’ll be feeling a desperate need to do something/anything right now, some betrayed head straight to legal advice, some kick their cheats out, there is no right or wrong answer. You have to go at your own pace.

When you’re ready age appropriate HONEST conversations with your girls are important, especially at their age.

Please do take in that NONE of this is your fault or the fault of your marriage. You will read some absolute nonsense on here and you will have people say absolute nonsense, but you are wonderful and did not deserve this. His selfishness and entitlement drove the choices he made.

I’m so so sorry you’re in pain. Whether you divorce or reconcile (I reconciled) the healing time is the same 2-5 years but it does get better, I promise, the pain does relent eventually.

I am really sorry you are going through this. I was married 16 years when I found out. 3 kids aged 12/10/8.
It was just awful for about a while. But for me work too was my salvation. A reason to get out of bed every day and not just hide under the duvet.
It was an acrimonious divorce and took over 2 years to complete. He is still with the other woman - other work colleagues of theirs (I hear second hand) think they look rather miserable and he is overweight and looks his age. I had a 'glow up' -(my kids assessment) - look 10 years younger, have my career and started a nee business. He did me a favour by having an affair. I am in a much better space now and my kids are growing, at uni etc. You will be ok and you will get through this xx

Take some time, and remember, it is not compulsory to get divorced if you don't want to, but it is your choice not his.

@rugsnrats

Oh thank you so much for you kind words. The tears will not stop flowing just reading messages from the kindness of strangers. It is a pain I wouldn't wish on anyone. I know I will get through it but at the moment I'm just in a tailspin. I think even though I had a gut feeling some was off the actual reality of it has been a slap in the face I wasn't prepared for. I still love my H so so much and I can't reconcile that the person Ive known and loved since I was a teenager would do this.

As per a previous poster, you need to treat this situation like a bereavement. You are grieving the man you thought you knew, he is gone. Yes it is hard because he will want to try and resolve things, will begin for councilling, swear he's a changed man etc. Practically speaking you need to remove him as much as possible to allow the divorce and grieving process to begin.

You need to speak with your DDs and explain that while it's not a situation you wanted to be in, you cannot stay married to this man and to be honest you need to set them a good example. Imagine if one of their husbands did this to them in years to come. Stay strong. They will grieve the family unit too but it'll be ok.

If he won't move out then you need to look at other Ora tidal options for putting space between you.

Freeze any joint accounts or remove half at least.

Contact a solicitor first thing tomorrow.

I say this as someone who was left at 29 with two kids under 2 by my then husband who disappeared into thin air for months. The only reason I knew he was finally caught out was he sent a video to his email which came up on our sons iPad of him shagging a colleague. Yep, the full session video

I am in the 'he did me a favour by having an affair' camp too. I booted him out on the day I found out.The kids were very young, there were a few rocky months but we survived. I do recall the anxiety I suffered at the time about the future but every positive move, posting divorce application, mediation, Form E etc seemed to clear that anxiety. He's in a not-so-great relationship with OW, having moved in, moved out and split up a couple of times, he has done well job wise though. I am very happily single and concentrated on my job for a while instead, got promoted, in no small part due to the XH, who since divorce has been of more support (unwittingly-child custody arrangements) than when he was under the same roof. The kids don't remember the old ways and they're thriving and do think that their lockdown year was a great deal better than some since they got a change of scenery and support bubbles.
Take it at your own pace, I know that the immediate ejection approach isn't for everyone. However you clearly speak different languages and I don't think that a future continually fearing further betrayals is one I could stand. It wasn't the sex with another person that was the issue, it was the lying and the cruelty demonstrated over that period.

I would add, the betrayal part may not yet be at an end, I re-read and saw that you have been together since teens. You might find history will be re-written as he justifies his reasons for being unfaithful. There appears to be a bit of a script for this kind of thing.

It is like a death, without the corpse. A sad, gut wrenching time but us women take the time out to grieve, men don’t.
The best advice I can offer is to prepare for him to get nasty when things don’t go his way OP. Stay as strong as you can, cry as much as you need but never in his company. Get your hair done and have a few wines with a good friend.
Sorry you are going through this, it’s not going to be easy, but you’ll thank him for it one day.

rugsnrats
I am sorry that you are dealing with this- a double betrayal too.

I remember the gut punch in my stomach, the nausea and light headedness. I also had the shakes on the day of confession. I was like an animal howling on the bed.

It is early days, your emotions will be all over the place as you realise your marrisge was not what you thought. You need someone to speak to.

My stbxh also declared undying love, cried his heart out, promised to do whatever it took. He got caught and admitted to the bare minimum. Unbeknown to me there were four other women that would later come out the woodwork. He lied throughout our supposed reconciliation period - I have not forgiven him for this. We limped on for two years once I had full disclosure. I was a shell of my former self: anxious, insecure, damaged, hypersensitive, depressed.

In the end I left the marital home. I have no regrets. The peace that came upon me the morning after I walked away..............

I remember the pain all too well. Like a pp said, it's a death without the corpse. The man I loved was long gone & replaced by a selfish liar who rewrote history to fit his own (& OW's) narrative.

He swore all sorts to keep me hanging on but in reality was just testing the water to keep his options open. I couldn't believe he could be so cruel.

Anyway, when I eventually moved out & into my own house, the spell was broken & I was free. The feeling of shutting my own front door & not having to put up with lies, manipulation or cheating was so empowering. OP, you'll be fine, just stay strong & weather the storm. My life is infinitely better now & yours will be too.

I'm sorry this has happened to you, it's so hurtful. My exh had an affair for 3 years! We had counselling where he told me it was 3 months, the 2nd session he went straight to the Ow's house. I did consider trying to make it work as I had 2 small children, but my adult stepdaughter actually helped me make the final decision. She told me that her Dad had cheated all through the marriage to her Mum. I knew at that point there was no point trying to fix things.
I would say give yourself time to get your thoughts in order. Try not to be influenced by others opinions. People are too quick to give advice on what they would do because he's a b--d. I didn't find that helpful & it actually made me feel worse as I'd chosen to be with him! You will come to your own decision.
If you decide to end it you will be absolutely fine. It is scary, but also liberating. I've now got my own house, can do what I want ( teenagers permitting) My exh is still hopping between women, in debt up to his eyeballs & cries on my shoulder about his failed relationships. I believe there is karma.
You will get through this x

I’m so sorry OP.
I’ve been where you are and I remember that ache/pain in my chest. I discovered my H affair when our first born was only a few months old so he got me out of bed each day. I agree with PP find a focus whether it be work, excersise etc just something to do each day.

It absolutely is grieving but still having to face them. It’s hard to change your perception of someone you planned to spend your life with to this new cruel person who didn’t have the same values as you do. I also recommend reading ‘leave a cheater, gain a life’ it’s scarily true and really helpful to rationalise.

There is a rollercoaster ahead so make sure you have great support in friends and family and DO NOT confide in him. This will feel so comfortable but is just a way for him to keep his ego and play into his hands.
Stand tall stand strong and you will get through this to a happier peaceful life I promise !
Take care x

Sending you strength and love op ♥️♥️

Thank you all again. I am in turmoil and can't think straight so your advice is so helpful and I will take it all on board. All I want to do is hide away and pretend this is not happening but I know I can't. I am so embarrassed and humiliated to have to tell our friends and family. I know it is not my shame to bear but I still feel it and I can only imagine the gossip at work and at my kids school. It sounds superficial but I am so sad that I will have to leave our family home as well. There is no way we could keep it. We built it together and have had so many wonderful memories of our kids growing up here. It is my home that I worked so hard for as well and to have it ripped away from me for something I've had no control over is almost unbearable.
He is behaving exactly as you have described. I so desperately want to believe him that "nothing happened " but the evidence is there and I can't ignore it. He doesn't even have the decency to own up. Thank you all again. I'm so glad to hear that you've made it through and there is hope.

I discovered my ex was cheating, with a much younger work colleague, not long before our 18th wedding anniversary. It was awful, suddenly the future I thought we'd planned was gone. He messed me about for a bit and I let him, as I was scared of a future in my own. Our daughter was nearly 16.
It was hard initially, but I soon learnt how capable I was. I bought him out if the house, got a promotion - I thrived!
Just over 5 years on I've bought a house with my partner and I'm very happy . Good luck to you OP

@JengaNonConfirming thank you so much that gives me hope. Your story sounds very much like mine. Im really glad you're doing so well

I think the way you found out will depend on how you deal.

Did you find out yourself, did you see messages

Did he tell you, show you all the evidence

Is he saying it was once, ment nothing, we never slept together, she just listened

I love you, not her, it was just sex

[quote rugsnrats]@JengaNonConfirming thank you so much that gives me hope. Your story sounds very much like mine. Im really glad you're doing so well [/quote]
Thank you. I know it's overwhelming where you are now and the thought of having to tell everyone and feel as though your life is out there , being scrutinised by everyone. Once I told people I found the support I needed and everyone was lovely, no judgement. I won't lie, it wasn't always easy, but once I'd decided what i wanted to do, i felt much more in control.
I wish you every strength in finding your path x