If you divorced due to H affair please tell me how you coped

[rugsnrats]

I've just discovered (after a niggly feeling for months) that my DH of 19 years has been having an affair with a co-worker. I am so devastated and utterly heartbroken. He says he loves me and will do anything to save our marriage but of course his actions show otherwise. I know in my heart our marriage is over. I never thought I would be in this position as we have had a wonderful relationship up until earlier this year when he became noticeably distant, working late, glued to his phone etc
I am so hurt, scared and feel completely hopeless. We have 2 teenage DD 's who will be devastated also.
If you have been in this position could you share how you coped?

@MrMrsJones no he has not been upfront and told me. He still denies everything. He guards his phone with his life and has changed every password on every account and device I know of however he used an old CC to to book a hotel when he told me he was away for a work conference. I saw it when I noticed it had money to be paid on it when it should have been paid off. He came up with all sorts of excuses but really there is nothing more black and white than than 😔

I know I posted it above but even more so (based on your last post) please buy a copy of ‘leave a cheater gain a life’ now. His deny deny deny posturing will only cause you more pain in the long run. Knowing the tricks they use will empower you. This book is so good at giving you a way of navigating through the gaslighting and lies.

Those with nothing to hide, hide nothing.

Thank you @Tiredofbs123 I will get a copy. The incessant lying from the man I have loved virtually my whole life is soul destroying.

I know it well, i remember feeling like he’d been possessed, that I was in some episode of the body snatchers. My husband was the last man I thought would ever do what he did to me.

He looked right through me and would lie so blatantly to my face that I’d question whether I was going crazy.

I have also recommended surviving infidelity forum. They are amazing. The advice and support I got there really helped me. They’ve walked your path and know all the tricks of the trade. If you don’t feel like posting there you can read other stories or read their posted support pages. All that will help right now.

It's just pure grief the anxiety, the sadness, the anger, the grief for a life you thought you were going to have. The guilt on the children.
Us woman have to deal with it all while the men tend to just get on with life as if nothings happened.
I desperately feel for you having been through it myself when my youngest of three children was just 4 months old.
Your head will be in the shed for a while and emotions all over the place.
For my I kept it in to myself for a couple of weeks but then started to tell family and friends.
It's been a long hard slog / battle but 4 years down the line I am about to sign my divorce papers.
I can however 💯 tell you I am so happier. The achievement of getting through this and coming out happier is huge for me.
I have new friends and got rid of friends I thought were friends but weren't ( in his side) became closer to my family and am about to move in with my new partner who treats me and my kids amazingly.
I don't care one bit about my exh what he is doing etc and believe everything happens for a reason.
You WILL get through this you will be happy again and think of it as a new fresh chance at life.
Lots of love and luck to you, keep posting on here it was a massive help and support for me there is always someone going through a similar thing and the same time.
Self respect is far more attractive than being a doormat. Don't be embarrassed be strong and kick his cheating arse out !!

My ex did this to me 7 or so years ago. Our DC was 12 at the time.

Everything moves in slow motion at first while you try to process your feelings - and that's okay.

It doesn't go away quickly but it does go away and you do move on from the pain.

Take time OP. Don't get into petty arguments, do it with dignity and your head held high.

You will be okay and so will the kids. Remember he did this.

[quote rugsnrats]@MrMrsJones no he has not been upfront and told me. He still denies everything. He guards his phone with his life and has changed every password on every account and device I know of however he used an old CC to to book a hotel when he told me he was away for a work conference. I saw it when I noticed it had money to be paid on it when it should have been paid off. He came up with all sorts of excuses but really there is nothing more black and white than than 😔[/quote]
Then I would tell him without full disclosure you are over.

And by full disclosure all passwords, mobile and email access etc

Have you spoken to the OW?

Hi OP, I too split up from my husband this year because of cheating. We were married 31 years and he cheated on me with a co worker.

I found out in April but had this gut feeling for months prior that there was something going on.
It’s hard to get your head round all the lies, and the gaslighting. You can’t quite believe that the man you are married to is not the man you thought he was, and he is infact nothing but a liar, cheat, scumbag coward.

It does get easier, but it’s still difficult. For me I just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and hopefully one day I will wake up and not think of him at all. I am sending you massive hugs x

I’ve gone through many stages. The cleanest break will be the healthiest, but at the same time, go easy on yourself if you take time. It’s a strange, horrible kind of bereavement, or loss, as we lose the past as well. What we thought we had, is gone. That is what I most feel sad about, all the times I felt strange, unsupported, then realising it was because Ex was texting his latest. I feel also sad about the future, all the Christmas’s where the kids won’t be coming home to both of us, forever split.

I am much, much stronger I would say. I now face the world with a determination that I never had before. Unfortunately I”m also more ruthless. I’ve also lost friends because the divorce made me less able to soak up pettiness or lack of reciprocation. I just don’t have spare energy emotionally any more. I’m sorry if that sounds a bit bleak, but it isn’t really. This really wasn’t our fault. We lived our lives loyally. I have no regrets in my life.

@Lovinglife45

rugsnrats I am sorry that you are dealing with this- a double betrayal too.

I remember the gut punch in my stomach, the nausea and light headedness. I also had the shakes on the day of confession. I was like an animal howling on the bed.

It is early days, your emotions will be all over the place as you realise your marrisge was not what you thought. You need someone to speak to.

My stbxh also declared undying love, cried his heart out, promised to do whatever it took. He got caught and admitted to the bare minimum. Unbeknown to me there were four other women that would later come out the woodwork. He lied throughout our supposed reconciliation period - I have not forgiven him for this. We limped on for two years once I had full disclosure. I was a shell of my former self: anxious, insecure, damaged, hypersensitive, depressed.

In the end I left the marital home. I have no regrets. The peace that came upon me the morning after I walked away..............

Wow I could have written this. My ex husband was a serial cheat. He got one women pregnant but I don’t know what happened as she didn’t have a baby as far as I know. Then I stupidly forgave him and he said for the record there are also x y and z but I’ve learnt my lesson now. I was so broken I took him back & the cheating and abuse carried on for several years before I finally left.

I also left the family home. I can still remember standing in a cold, empty rental having left my family home which had an indoor pool and just feeling relief.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. Life will be better eventually

So sorry to hear this.

My husband of 23 years slept with a prostitute in another country, got her pregnant and then came out as a transvestite! Looking back, I think I had a mental breakdown and the hurt was unbearable when I found out.

4 years on, I'm stronger, more content and happy with my lot.

As others say, men 99% will only leave if there is another woman waiting in the wings. After the first year, they realise that the grass is not at all greener (in fact, it's riddled with weed killer!) and become cantankerous old buggers who then realise that they've royally f**ked up!

Just see it as a new adventure and one that you'd not have experienced if you'd stayed married.

As others have said:

Take one day at a time.

Realise he is no longer the man he was (or who you thought he was, whichever works for you).

It's the process of grief, which is a roller-coaster.

My tip is to watch a candle as it burns out. It was nice while it lasted, something (not you) caused it to die, you can choose to sit in darkness or you can light another one.

Cherryblossom
I also had a strong sense of being unsupported and not having the full attention of dh over the years. It is so difficult to put your finger on when you have no evidence of wrong doing but you feel it. I recall feeling jealous of couples around me, almost as if I knew we did not have a certain specialness that they had.

There was a period when I did not want to be intimate. I did not want him near me but did nothing to explore why. I later discovered this was the same period he had a ONS. My body was rejecting him.

I brought this up with stbxh in one of our many arguments and he was adamant that whilst I was blinded by his infidelities I was fine in our marriage. The bastard! He did not want to accept that his infidelity harmed our marriage even when I did not know. He wanted to stupidly convince me that the harm came only AFTER discovery.

Thank you all again so much good advice. I know this will be a roller coaster and I'm only just getting on. I am a strong person (normally) I will just take my time to gather my thoughts and process this myself before I tell my family.

@Lovinglife45 that's interesting what you say and I can really relate. I have spent many lonely nights literally sitting beside my H whilst he texts on his phone (carefully facing it away from me). I always had a strange sense something wasn't right and felt completely invisible.

@Lovinglife45 I also had a strong sense of being unsupported and not having the full attention of dh over the years. This is just how I felt too. I even once described how I felt to a friend as ‘it’s as if DH is having an affair, I feel like I’m always the inferior one, the needy one.’ It was an awful feeling, but now I know why. It’s a horrible way to end a marriage, or to be in a marriage. Because they have made the relationship completely unequal. They have extra and that means so many things.

It means that they don’t need sex from us. It means that they can share how they feel with someone else. It means that any problems or irritating things about us, can be made into reasons they are having sex with someone else. So not only is the friendship, the sharing and the sex diminished, demeaned, but all the building work for sorting out problems and working through cooperating get at best sidelined but more usually magnified as ‘wrong things about us that made them want to have sex with someone else in the first place’.

So OP, it’s likely you have been made to feel like this for some time. Don’t ignore how crushed being betrayed can make you. You may be running on adrenaline for a while, and he will beg to want you back etc and so you will finally feel that you have his full attention and love, after so long. It will be painful and confusing. But hang on in there and get some good support, friends and even therapy. Lots of sympathies from many of us here!

[quote rugsnrats]@Lovinglife45 that's interesting what you say and I can really relate. I have spent many lonely nights literally sitting beside my H whilst he texts on his phone (carefully facing it away from me). I always had a strange sense something wasn't right and felt completely invisible. [/quote]
It’s heart wrenching. You may have lots of different memories float up, and realise that when he wasn’t present, and you felt alone, that his mind was with another woman. Such a waste isn’t it. You are the one real person in his life, affairs are not real as they necessarily are fueled by the fact that they are betraying and are lies, nothing genuine can come from that. It’s superficial, it’s entitlement, it’s seedy. You didn’t choose to waste real love though, your life is more genuine.

Cherryblossom
I was definitely the more needy one yet generally I am not a needy person in any sphere of my life. I was picking up on his vibes which made me feel insecure.

Infidelity gives the cheater power over the betrayed. The relationship becomes unequal as the cheater is pulling the strings and making life work for their benefit. They set the narrative. Funnily my stbxh does not feel he held the cards which is laughable!

After discovery I was an emotional wreck tying myself up in knots to rationalise what he had done and asking him over and over if he loved me. I was desperate to be told that I was worth loving. I remember thinking if my husband of xx amount of years who I bore dc for, who I devoted my life to, who I sacrificed for, who I thought was my best friend did not love me then there was no hope for me.

Nobody deserves to be demeaned in such a way by someone who is supposed to love them.

Good riddance!

@Lovinglife45 my heart goes out to you, it’s a significant trauma I think. My view is that an affair is emotional abuse, an insidious one as the power and control are there, but with no knowledge, we just feel rubbish without having any idea why. they set the narrative is so right. My Ex slowly shut me out of everything, stopped wanting to take me out, to meet his work colleagues, go on holiday, but good enough for mundane life like visiting his mother. I just became unwanted wallpaper. The i exciting one. Texts stopped being flirty and loving.And I had no idea why.

Unexciting. That should have read!

I agree that an affair is emotional abuse. Your spouse is causing deep damage to your marriage. Though you may not know why, you feel the disconnection, the lack of love, that you are not being prioritised. I remember it clearly, it brought confusion and a sadness - I could never pinpoint the source. Your spouse allows a third party to wedge themselves between you due to the benefits it brings them. As a result this demeans and makes a complete mockery out of your union.

How is it that after shitting all over your marriage that your spouse is then intent to save it and declare their undying love?

They only love themselves and the comfort and security that being married brings. It is always about them!

I can only echo what others have said. I rumbled my ex in days as he's an idiot and he instantly turned on me. Was upfront about loving her and wanting to leave and then accused me of neglecting our young kids when I hid upstairs for a bit to gather my thoughts (like, for a couple of hours, not days). As a pp said he became unrecognisable v quickly. I had no idea where my husband had gone. Genuinely thought he was having a MLC and if I could find the right words I could save my family.
Moving forward, get good legal advice, real life support and do not believe any info he gives you about what you'll get or not get in a divorce. Be as cool as you can with him, give him no ammunition 'see, told you she was a nightmare. Thats why I cheated' etc. Good luck x