Page 3 | My married fiancé

callmeadoctor · 31/10/2021 00:02

If he is taken ill at all, his next of kin is his wife!!!!! You wont have any involvement if he is hospitalised!

WhereYouLeftIt · 31/10/2021 00:38

@Ems9Jas

I’d love some advice on my very complicated relationship. I’m feeling very lost. My still married boyfriend wants to Mary me yet he’s not divorce yet! I’m 36 he’s 51 and I can’t help panicking that I’m not going to be able to have the opportunity of getting married and having children because my times running out. I’ve been with him for 3 years and I love him to bits but I feel like the other women. He’s stil keeping me secret from anyone but we live together. I feel guilty for pushing him to get divorced but surely he should want this too? Any advice please?

You are not in a "very complicated" relationship. You are in a very, very simple one. And you feel like the other woman because - well, because you are

.

"He’s still keeping me secret from anyone"
Tells me everything about your relationship. He keeps you separate from his 'real' life. He has totally compartmentalised his time with you, you are separate (and separated through secrecy) from everything else.

My advice would be to stop feeling "guilty for pushing him to get divorced" and throw the lying cheating arsehole out of your life. If you want children, this is not the man for you. He will leave you high and dry and move onto another younger woman.

And after you've done that, have a long hard think about why you accepted this for so long. You've got some serious self-esteem issues to fix out. But prioritise disentangling your life from this cheating bastard.

Lovealovestory · 31/10/2021 01:06

You are the other woman

erinaceus · 31/10/2021 02:19

Him keeping you secret alone - by this I presume you mean he has not introduced you to his friends, family and colleagues - is reason enough to leave.

starrynight21 · 31/10/2021 02:38

I can’t help panicking that I’m not going to be able to have the opportunity of getting married and having children because my times running out

Your time is running out because you've been wasting it on this man. He is married - he hasn't bothered to get a divorce - he has kept you a secret . Sorry but if you want to be married and have a family, you need to leave this man and find a decent one who'll make you his priority . Good luck OP.

Rainbowqueeen · 31/10/2021 02:40

Break up with him and look for someone else. He know what you want and is not doing anything about it.

You will never have children if you stay with this man.

Aprilx · 31/10/2021 06:08

[quote MangoIce]@Ems9Jas also, your “d”p is the same age as my dad… and I’m in my mid 20s. You sound desperate. Find a man who actually cares about you.[/quote]
There is a lot wrong with this scenario, but that he is the same age as your dad is not one of those things. I am the same age as your dad, so are many people..

User527294627 · 31/10/2021 06:22

So he’s 15 years older than you, married, in no rush to divorce, and keeping your relationship a secret?

🚩 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

This is not going to end happily. He doesn’t want to marry you. He’s not going to be a happy family unit with you. If he wanted those things he would be actively making them happen, not stringing you along.

If you want a family you don’t have time to waste on this. You need to ditch this guy for someone who wants to be married to you and it’s just saying the right things to keep you quiet.

TheVanguardSix · 31/10/2021 06:32

This guy isn't going to leave his family. It's not just about 'leaving the wife'. He's not going to leave the home he's established, the children he's raised, the reputation he's built (even if it's a dishonest one). He has carved out his life- a life he won't undo, a life you are not part of.
You are compartmentalised. You're another aspect of his life, hidden away, and you will never see the light of day.
You won't be walking down any aisle with this man or raising children in a shared home with him. If it hasn't happened in 3 years, it never will. He wants the life he's already made more than the fantasy life he doesn't have with you.
You're 36 and this guy is your time bandit.

KatherineJaneway · 31/10/2021 06:34

but I feel like the other women

You are the other woman. You are a secret to anyone elsecin his life and he is still married.

My advice? Walk away.

HoikingUpMyBigGirlPantss · 31/10/2021 08:19

Dont waste your ovaries on a secretive liar

hg165 · 31/10/2021 08:20

This guy isn't going to leave his family. It's not just about 'leaving the wife'. He's not going to leave the home he's established, the children he's raised, the reputation he's built (even if it's a dishonest one).

I agree, that he would be leaving a family and not just his wife. But if he's living with OP full time he's already left his family??!

Were you originally the OW OP? Is that why you being together is now a secret?

You say you've been with him 3 years but how long since he officially left his family? And by that I mean, when did him and his wife agree the marriage was over and he actually left?

lnsufficientFuns · 31/10/2021 08:21

He doesn’t get to pin you down like that

3 years? No divorce? Massive red flag

I know somebody whose bf took 13 years to get around to it 😱

lovelybones1 · 31/10/2021 08:22

Personally I'd leave but it's not always as easy to just do that. Ultimately it's what you feel is right so think about if your prepared to be a secret while you want to plan the rest of your life, if he wanted a divorce he would of have done it by now if they aren't together

SuperSange · 31/10/2021 08:25

Why would he get divorced? He's having his cake and eating it right now. If you want children, you need to pin him down or leave. There's literally no other way. Personally I'd dump him now for wasting my time, but in recent years I've come to know my worth. Can I suggest you learn yours too? He's sneaking around keeping you secret. You're technically the OW. Are you happy with that?

Theuniverseandeverything · 31/10/2021 08:32

I would definitely take the ring off. How can you be engaged?

me4real · 31/10/2021 08:53

I had one slightly like this years ago.

For a start, a pretty much secret engagement is not a full engagement. Part of the point of an engagement is that it's public.

If he's not prepared to tell people you're engaged, or even together, due to it potentially causing issues in his divorce, he should get a divorce ASAP (and I mean ASAP) and then introduce you to everyone.

He isn't considering your feelings at all.

My one claimed that I 'just wanted to get married' or something when I told him how unhappy I was with the lack of true engagement/setting a date.

No, I wanted a relationship that seemed like it was going somewhere, had some progression, and marriage was part of that. It can be seen as the ultimate way of saying that he loves you- to the world.

Your age/wanting children makes it even worse and you're right to be concerned @Ems9Jas . We're supposed to pretend TTC as someone approaches 40 is plain sailing, but your chances do tend to fall fairly quickly and it is something you need to be thinking about.

My one even backed out so I had to cancel the church at one point (my uncle said after I'd done it that I should've got the bloke to do it.) So don't even assume that him getting a divorce is the end of the bullshit.

It is a form of taking you for granted- he thinks he can treat you however he likes and you'll still stick around. So, he doesn't have to divorce/remarry. You've put up with it this long after all, so he thinks he can carry on this way.

He is making a joke of your engagemet, relationship, and you.

Get angry @Ems9Jas and act on your anger.

BurnedToast · 31/10/2021 09:01

The fact he's keeping you a secret suggests he has no intention of marrying you and I doubt many men in their 50s would seriously want young children. You need to move on.

Apart from anything else OP, do you really want to be with someone 15 years older? It's ok now, but when you're 60 he will be 75. It's not a huge age gap I know, but big enough to really think through. You're 36. You could be with a fit young man

MangoIce · 31/10/2021 11:11

@Aprilx I made that comment because he’s too old for a baby. He’s more than old enough to have dc who are in their mid 20s.

Onthedunes · 31/10/2021 12:06

This post doesn't even make sense.

Who could seriously live with someone and be fully present and commited, yet at the same time be a secret, unless you are holed up in a house with a sugar daddy having his second love nest.

Or be a 'separated' man who has not yet let everyone in his life know he has left his wife, but for 3 years ? Or is 3 years how long you've known him and he has only recently left.

No, it makes no sense.

AnyFucker · 31/10/2021 12:10

You are wasting your fertile years on a married man

How will you feel when you get a few years more down the line and it dawns on you that you will never have children because you listened to his lies ?

LowlandLucky · 31/10/2021 12:36

Hate to be blunt but you are his bit on the side.

Regularsizedrudy · 31/10/2021 12:37

You are the other woman. If he is married he’s not your fiancé

DukkaDukka · 31/10/2021 12:55

How can you live together but be a secret?

aSofaNearYou · 31/10/2021 13:16

He's been incredibly selfish drawing you into a relationship where you are still secret and he isn't divorced, knowing the point you are at in your fertile years. Even worse if it's been done with promises dangled such as marriage.

This might have been conscious or unconscious but either way, it's incredibly selfish of him and paints him in a terrible light.

It should definitely be ultimatum time but ultimately you would be much better off finding someone who won't keep you secret and wants a family.