Why does he do this? 🙄

[SailorJayne]

Does anyone else’s DP follow them around in an argument and not leave you alone?

We’ve just had a row over him lying about our financial situation (once again) and when I’ve told him to leave me alone he’s followed me and told me to “be an adult and stop hiding away.”

First off, I’m incredibly short tempered and can turn pretty nasty, I’d out fight him any day of the week. But at the moment I’m pregnant and I’m sick of getting riled up even more because he won’t let me cool off! He just follows me when I walk away and ask him to leave me alone and he won’t go until I explode at him which I don’t need to be doing right now! The worst thing is we had this conversation this morning about how I don’t want to shout and argue and he agreed saying he wouldn’t want the baby to be able to hear that, so what’s the pissing difference now?!

Could you say to him something along the lines of ‘we’re at the point where nothing we say will be constructive, so let’s park it for now and come back to it when we’re both calmer’ - it often works well if you can tag something ordinary onto the end eg ‘now, do you want a cuppa?’

I'm like your DH. I need a dispute solved.

It doesn't help the immediate problem, but this is a conversation for when you're both calm and relaxed, along the lines of 'when I feel I'm getting worked up I need to take a break for a bit. Please respect that. We can always resume the conversation when things have calmed down'.

Having said that, you've said you had had that conversation only this morning so it's clearly not had an effect on him.

Do you argue lots?

I hate that. Me and DH Always take a cooler and once we feel better have a chat about things.
Following you around while your still annoyed isn't going to solve a Damn thing. Tell him to stop being stupid.

I feel like you're blaming him for your own reactions. Your short temper isn't his fault ...

How does these arguments end? Does he provoke it until you lose it and you're the bad guy despite the issue is him lying again?

The cynical part of me thinks he is provoking you so that when you finally explode he can use it as evidence that you are the crazy/irrational/dramatic one. So it's automatically your fault that you behaved this way. And this becomes the focus on the convo, so that whatever he did that caused the argument can fall in the background and be forgotten.

We actually don’t argue very often but he does tell a lot of little white lies and I always catch him out on them. It’s never usually more than a bicker and forget about it situation but money is something he struggles with and he’ll dance around the subject a lot which is not ideal when we’re renting an apartment together and about to have a baby. I don’t bring in a lot money wise compared to him but he has debts that I’ve been aware of for a while now but I just need him to be honest with me when it comes to them because it’s more serious than he lets on. I get money is a difficult subject and he’s told me before that it makes him feel bad but he doesn’t understand that feeling bad about it isn’t an excuse to hide it from me when I'm trying to do a food shop and the card is being declined when he’s told me we’re fine. That’s our biggest argument we have but because he knows he should be telling me these things he gets incredibly defensive and won’t leave me alone as if I’ve done wrong.

What Judgemental Cactus wrote; I was thinking along similar lines.

I doubt very much he will ever be completely honest with you re debt or for that matter anything to do with your relationship. He does this also because he can and it works for him.

I would also give your as yet unborn child your surname rather than his going forward too.

I think neither of you are sufficiently mature and solvent to have a child...

But it's done now, so you need to sit down together and calm discuss how you are going to deal with your relationship and finances.

What's his plan re. repayment of his debts?
Can you go it alone if need be?

Do you not have access to joint online banking?

How come you can't see what's in the account?

@FlowerArranger Excuse me? How dare you say that, I’m perfectly capable of bringing up a child thank you very much as I raised my brother at a young age with very little to get by on. This is about an argument and my partners financial situation, not our “incapability” to raise a child. There’s opinions and then there is being judgemental and rude. I’m sorry that the sun seems to shine out of your ass and that you may have never experienced an argument before but some of us live in the real world.

Haha @FlowerArranger. Debts and bickering! How could they possibly bring a child into the world with such evil going on Keep clutching those pearls. You are truly ridiculous.

Can you separate finances? So have a joint account for bills etc that only you have access to and leave him with whatever debt he has on his own account?

That way you know the bills etc are covered and you won't have to rely on him being honest about what is and isn't in the account.

If he rubs up debt on his personal account then that's his issue. If this has happened before, he's not going to change so am just thinking this might give you less stress?

I think the following you is a provocation tactic. He is trying to move the attention off his deception and create a side drama to distract you.

Your relationship has disaster write all over it.

If he's spending (gambling?) so much that you don't have money to buy food and he's still lying about it, the only reasonable course of action to protect yourself and your child is to leave him.

When you reach your limit you walk away. It’s really not appropriate to follow someone around in a heated situation if they need space. It’s goading and not going to help.

Unnecessary @FlowerArranger

I like to get things sorted and done. Ex partner would do silent treatment and just go quite. Suffice to say our communication style was way off.

What happens when you do explode?

I would get into an argument with my ex, I'd be calm and then get riled up snd personally I think this is what she wanted. I think she was passive aggressive and would play her anger out through me.

My family style if arguing is getting it out there and we're all okay, said and fine. Her background is. Dad would shout, mum would just take shit. They were not allowed to argue back and also learnt that from the mum just taking shit.

I'm sorry you're going through this, especially while pregnant. It's a red flag to lie to a partner. It's a red flag to lie about a financial situation (especially when a baby is arriving). And it's definitely a red flag to not respect you when you ask for him to stop following you.

I know it may not be easy to realize your partner is showing red flags while you're pregnant, but many men actually do start during this time when they never were that bad before. My exhusband was like that, he wouldn't let me just take a moment to gather my thoughts, was always following me, argueing, yelling. One evening, when I asked him "please, I just need a minute, I want to just go outside and have a cigarette (I wasn't pregnant) then I'll be right back and we can talk", he pushed me into the bed and put the pillow over my face. He was yelling at me that how dare I walk away from him when he's trying to talk to me. I was getting light headed and thought that was it.

Girl, I'm telling you, following you around and not letting you have a minute before you talk about issues is a massive red flag. And if you really don't want to leave him, you need to make couples counseling mandatory. If he won't go, there's how much he cares.

Yes it’s abusive I think - he’s not respecting your boundary.
You know you will flare up and asked for space to protect you both - his response it to disregard your needs and follow you around.
Another message he’s giving you is that HIS needs trump yours!!!
Stress in pregnancy isn’t great for you or the unborn child.

@KylieKoKo

I feel like you're blaming him for your own reactions. Your short temper isn't his fault ...

But the OP is trying to manage her short temper by walking away, which he won't allow her to do! That's absolutely his fault.

Abusive men often start showing their true colours during pregnancy (or after the birth)

Lying about debts - to the point where you're struggling to cover everyday bills - is a really bad sign, and going to cause you huge stress.

How far along are you? Would you be able to raise this child alone?

Congratulations on your pregnancy op.

I think it's disrespectful behaviour on his part. He should respect your space when you ask him to. It's not pleasant to contemplate but it is worth bearing in mind what pp said about pregnancy being a trigger for abusive behaviour.

But putting that aside, and if generally you don't argue, and the rest of your relationship is good, then there needs to be some transparency here and trust here around finances and money, especially as you give the impression that debt is a recurring issue.

You are justifiably anxious. Being worried that your card is about to be declined at the supermarket is no way to live. He's going to be a father and needs to be responsible for the future. He needs to be open and honest, and you in turn need to work on your temper so that he feels able to open up to you.

There are lots of useful articles on the web about how to talk about money within a relationship like this one:

www.moneyhelper.org.uk/en/family-and-care/talk-money/talking-to-your-partner-about-money.

He may be reluctant to talk about money because of the way his parents handled it. Or he may have his self worth tied in to financial success. Either way, tried sensitively, but you do need to get to the truth.

I personally would want to get a very clear handle on how these debts arose and what steps are being taken to clear them. Even if the debts arose before you met, you both need to have a siege mentality about this and do everything you can, work and budget wise, to cut down on spending until the debts are cleared. No holidays, no nights out, no expensive baby equipment. Cut down on bills and extraneous streaming services. Walk instead of using the car. Economise on food bills. For example do you both have a strict budget you work to? Don't be tempted to drift along carrying a parcel of debt with you because it only gets worse that way, not better. And don't be content to live in ignorance and trust that he will deal with it. When you have DC together, your finances will always be inextricably linked together, so it's not a subject you can avoid, especially if you have joint bank accounts and joint rental agreements. And I would be looking to get back to work asap after the baby is born too.

Best of luck

@FlowerArranger

I think neither of you are sufficiently mature and solvent to have a child...

But it's done now, so you need to sit down together and calm discuss how you are going to deal with your relationship and finances.

What's his plan re. repayment of his debts?
Can you go it alone if need be?

What a bloody stupid and judgmental thing to say. Nothing in OP’s posts suggest she won’t be capable of bringing up a child.