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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Need advice urgently on leaving

41 replies

almaonao · 30/10/2021 11:35

My husband has been acting off kilter for over a year now. I called the police once and they removed him for a month. We have a young child and I thought it was in her best interest to give it another try. Obviously a huge error on my part.

I have no family support. Nor does he in fairness. He has been financially abusive- I am at home with the baby - he won't give me regular money won't help with the child. Puts me down. Sleep separate rooms. It's all very toxic. If I say the wrong thing he goes wild.

Things have escalated. I can no longer cope and he has gone out for the day leaving me with no money. I don't even have fucking nappies!!!

I asked my mum for help if the baby and I could stay for a bit while while I get myself but she's busy apparently and will reply this evening.
It's obviously a no which is not u expected. As I said no family support. so I'm here on edge thinking what happens next what do I do?
I don't want him back here but I also have no access to any money if he isn't here. Only enough food till tomorrow.

He isn't physically violent but having spoke to woman's aid on the chat yesterday it's still domestic violence. I don't know what to do I just need some guidance if anyone has maybe been through similar or could advise on best course of action.... that's a rambling mess. I haven't slept and my toddler knows something is up and is all over me at the minute

OP posts:
GoodnessGraciousMeOMy · 30/10/2021 11:37

You need to leave with a packed bag and essentials and go to a woman's refuge. He is being abusive, I'm so glad you have realised that now.

Somebody with more knowledge will be along shortly, mums net is great ThanksThanks

Bluntness100 · 30/10/2021 11:40

Could you try to get vouchers for a food bank? Call to see if you can get into a refuge? I don’t know where you are but someone can help with how to contact a refuge near you.

Why was he removed for a month by the police?

layladomino · 30/10/2021 11:46

I'm so sorry you're going through this. And so pleased that you realise this is wrong, it's abuse, and you need to get away from him for both your sakes.

I'm sorry your mum is no use. And if he's like many abusers he will have encouraged you to lose friends and family connections.

But that can be mended. For now though you need to be somewhere safe where you can get your head straight and start to repair the damage he's done. Keep your eyes on that happier, settled, calm and safe future for you and your child.

Keep talking to women's aid. Can they advise on a refuge?

almaonao · 30/10/2021 11:47

He was removed because I went to the police station as I felt afraid things would get physical. They put the one month no contact thing in place to protect me and bail conditions stopped him from coming round.

They didn't charge him due to lack of evidence.

OP posts:
almaonao · 30/10/2021 11:48

I guess a refuge is my only option really. I'm dreading that. I just want him to leave and let us get on with things.

OP posts:
updownroundandround · 30/10/2021 11:48

Yes, speak to Womens Aid today and ask them what you might be eligible for e.g food bank and whether they can find a refuge for you and your DC today.

Bluntness100 · 30/10/2021 11:49

You can Google refuges bear you or speak to woman’s aid who can advise.

You can also apply for food bank vouchers who should have nappies available,

almaonao · 30/10/2021 11:50

He has in a way discouraged family connections but in truth they are all shit and high drama. Probably why I've ended up with him.

We have been together well over ten years. Things didn't get like this until we had our child

OP posts:
MamDancer · 30/10/2021 11:51

He's also abusing your child by leaving her with no nappies.

FleasInMyKnees · 30/10/2021 11:54

Speak to womens aid again and post on your local community page for nappies and food, many local people might be happy to help you, do you own your home or rent, is there any chance he would move out.

almaonao · 30/10/2021 11:56

@FleasInMyKnees I don't think he will leave peacefully but that is what I want.

I don't want to leave our home. It's rented in both our names.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 30/10/2021 11:58

Well he’s not going to leave op and unless you get the police involved you cannot force him out his own home.

So your only other option is try to get a referral for food bank vouchers and get yourself sorted for tomorrow if you will continue to live with him

FleasInMyKnees · 30/10/2021 12:08

Do you have a landlord or is it through a letting agent, do they know you has the police out before.

salsmum · 30/10/2021 12:18

Please check op if there's a free food bank in your area no referrals needed you just go there and get what you need nappies, food, clothes etc.., we are Kent area and ours have a f/b page. Good luck Thanks

Mammma91 · 30/10/2021 12:22

OP please leave, now. Have you managed to source some nappies?

almaonao · 30/10/2021 12:22

@FleasInMyKnees

Do you have a landlord or is it through a letting agent, do they know you has the police out before.
I suspect they do know I've had the police out before. Does that matter? Will it put us at risk with the house??

We know the landlord but don't rent directly.

OP posts:
almaonao · 30/10/2021 12:23

@FleasInMyKnees

OP posts:
FleasInMyKnees · 30/10/2021 12:25

I just wondered if they can help you at all. Our local church offers free food and supplies to those in need, is there anything similar to you.

almaonao · 30/10/2021 12:28

@FleasInMyKnees okay thanks. A friend has come through for me and is sending me some cash now so I can at least get nappies then I can at least focus on moving forward once she goes down for a nap.

Thanks everyone for your help

OP posts:
ftw163532 · 30/10/2021 12:36

What advice did Women's Aid give you?

wtfisgoingonhere21 · 30/10/2021 12:41

I've just read another post on here op by a lady started in July living with an abuser and she's just updated to say she's still living in the same house and same situation although she had money for a deposit for a rental and she works and pays everything so financially she could leave but obviously hasn't yet. Confused

Don't let that be you op.

There are so many women living in these situations and I think hey probably have for years it's just more spoken about now and with social media it's highlighting it.

A member of my family now late 70 s has a shit life.
Married her nasty husband who has financially physically and mentally abused her for their entire marriage.

So much so that the now grown up children will have nothing to do with him and yet she's so brainwashed and stuck she sticks up for his behaviour and says she accepts it's her life now which is the saddest thing ever.

Her life ruined and her adult dc left with awful memories which has affected their lives a lot and still does at times.

Please please don't be her.

There were no benefits as such or women's aid available when she was young and it was never spoken about and accepted and now she's had a shit life and is just sad.

With what is available in terms of help now it's in place for people in your situation to get away and build a happy life for you and your dc.

Pls get help op.

GoodnightGrandma · 30/10/2021 12:42

If you are scared or feel threatened call the police.

almaonao · 30/10/2021 12:43

@ftw163532 told me to go to a refuge. I couldn't leave at that point (yesterday) he had our daughter.

If I'm being honest I really just don't want to go to a refuge. I think because it's not physical violence I keep downplaying it

OP posts:
GoodnightGrandma · 30/10/2021 12:44

Contact your Health Visitor urgently on Monday.

almaonao · 30/10/2021 12:44

@wtfisgoingonhere21

Thank you. I know that you are right and I absolutely will not be staying with him. I'm just hoping I can get him to leave.

OP posts: