Need advice urgently on leaving

[almaonao]

My husband has been acting off kilter for over a year now. I called the police once and they removed him for a month. We have a young child and I thought it was in her best interest to give it another try. Obviously a huge error on my part.

I have no family support. Nor does he in fairness. He has been financially abusive- I am at home with the baby - he won't give me regular money won't help with the child. Puts me down. Sleep separate rooms. It's all very toxic. If I say the wrong thing he goes wild.

Things have escalated. I can no longer cope and he has gone out for the day leaving me with no money. I don't even have fucking nappies!!!

I asked my mum for help if the baby and I could stay for a bit while while I get myself but she's busy apparently and will reply this evening.
It's obviously a no which is not u expected. As I said no family support. so I'm here on edge thinking what happens next what do I do?
I don't want him back here but I also have no access to any money if he isn't here. Only enough food till tomorrow.

He isn't physically violent but having spoke to woman's aid on the chat yesterday it's still domestic violence. I don't know what to do I just need some guidance if anyone has maybe been through similar or could advise on best course of action.... that's a rambling mess. I haven't slept and my toddler knows something is up and is all over me at the minute

@GoodnightGrandma my daughter was a month before lockdown. I've not heard from or seen my health visitor since March.

Ach I feel bad for you op, you’re just going to stay aren’t you? And you know you can’t stop his staying.

Can you consider getting a job when you get free nursery hours, so at least you have some money?

@Bluntness100 I haven't given up on myself just yet. I am prone to making rash decisions and leaving him is right but taking my daughter to a refuge is something I am certain I will regret down the line.

She's 20 months I don't think free hours start for another year plus? I do need to get a job though. Perhaps there's a way to sort that out and get her into nursery now. I might start applying for stuff. I used to be the breadwinner funnily enough. @Bluntness100

Whereabouts in the country are you OP? Can you give a rough idea? Maybe someone can get you a few nappies until you can get to a food bank? I agree with PP, you need to leave and get yourself and your DD away from this man. Please contact woman's aid and find out where the nearest refuges are

[quote almaonao]@GoodnightGrandma my daughter was a month before lockdown. I've not heard from or seen my health visitor since March. [/quote]
You can still contact them. I’d get as much support as you can.

Can you afford to stay at the flat if he does agree to leave, are you able to look at what financial help you are entitled to and get copies of bank statements, rental agreement and important personal documents.

There will be local mother and baby groups who might be able to support you, Churches often have schemes too.

OP have you read the pinned post on the relationship page? It talks about refuges. It might make you think differently about them.
They are very supportive places and will help you to make the next steps.

[quote almaonao]@wtfisgoingonhere21

Thank you. I know that you are right and I absolutely will not be staying with him. I'm just hoping I can get him to leave. [/quote]
Oh I’m so sorry but you couldn’t be more wrong.

I have worked in the police in domestic violence for years. Abusive men do not just leave. Because you are the focus of their control. To leave you would be to give up their power over you. That’s why it’s so hard for victims to leave, because they make it impossible with every tool they have available. Financial, emotional, threats and fear, whatever they can.

I wonder if you wrote down a list of what it is that you think you would regret if you went to a refuge what would actually be on there. Refuges are a life line. Not only is it a roof over yours and your daughters head but it’s the support dealing with leaving an abusive relationship that you need. Not just emotionally but practically, they know what you are entitled to and can help you start a new life.

If you wait for him to leave you will live on his terms forever. These men don’t get better they get worse.

Being in refuge gives you access to all sorts of support and services OP, totally agree with MartyHart about reading the pinned post.

@RIPIgglePiggle

You've literally just said exactly how my family member felt and now she's at the age where she's got nothing financially or the income to actually leave.

She says she wished she had done it when the dc were young as she realises how much damage it caused them all.

It makes me feel so sad that she didn't have a choice compared to the choices avaialae now

Unfortunately she has enabled a lot of his behaviour with age by pacifying and keeping quiet and although he's no longer physically violent probably because he's older and a lot weaker now his silent treatment and controlling of the finances and the car and where she goes is how her life is.

Because her dc won't see him he makes her life difficult and gives her the silent treatment when she does try to see them so then stops trying because it makes her life hard.
He will tell her she's not having the car and that's that and he won't speak for days.

She's late in retirement age op and still lives like this.

DONT LET IT BE YOU.

A refuge will help you and support you to find your own place with your child to start a lovely life together.

Your child's still young.
You don't want to be going through that with an older child that will be traumatised

You’re much more likely to regret not getting out ASAP than to regret taking your daughter to a refuge.

Don't be scared of the refuge op. There will be lovely people there and you may even end up making some life long friends from your time there.

How long is left on the lease? Does the money come from his account? I'd just go and talk to the estate agent and see if they can suggest anything.

Op, yes two year olds can get free child care, I don’t know where you are.

www.gov.uk/help-with-childcare-costs/free-childcare-2-year-olds

Obviously not if he earns and you intend to stay with him

Just want to say I am reading all of these. I am going to look at the pinned thread this evening. Just feeling a little overwhelmed this afternoon