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Original poster

'Being myself' seems to make me completely unattractive. I don't know how to move on

45 replies

markedinred · 29/10/2021 19:15

My last match ended up with being ghosted (by a history teacher in his 30s) after telling him I was going to go the library this weekend. I know it's not clubbing but I genuinely like doing that. I go to the big city one and have lunch. It's great.

My last actual date ended up with the guy telling me I am a lovely girl who deserves someone great, which I think means I am boring.

I feel like I'm watching everyone I know pair up (late 20s) and the constant rejection is chipping away at my confidence.

OP posts:
WTFCanIDoAboutThis · 29/10/2021 19:19

Is this on OLD? If so maybe it's not for you and you should rather try activities (like a book club?) where you'll meet like-minded people.

Original poster
markedinred · 29/10/2021 19:25

Yes. I've tried a few different activities which I've enjoyed but no dates or anything have come up from them.

OP posts:
WTFCanIDoAboutThis · 29/10/2021 19:27

Be patient - it will happen, most likely when you stop actively looking. Concentrate on making friends for now and the rest will come.

Pinkbonbon · 29/10/2021 19:30

Maybe they're boring.

I'd probably never think to go to a library on my day off but it actually sounds fun. Especially if it's a pretty building.

Ooh! Actually I've just realised, I once suggested to a guy i was dating to go to my local library for a date. I cant remember why, seems like an odd suggestion but I have a feeling he had said he wanted to see my home town and I maybe didn't want drink to be involved. Cue him suddenly doing a complete uturn in his behaviour and deciding he didn't want to see me again.

Maybe he had been angling for an invite back to mine or something. But then why wouldn't that have been possible after a library visit? Lol. But I remeber feeling like he judging me based on saying I wanted to go to the library at the time.

I like to think people like that have no imagination. And they are probably shit in bed too.

Original poster
markedinred · 29/10/2021 19:31

I'm really grateful for my life and I appreciate having my own space, but it's getting hard to be patient. I wish I could just wave a wand.

OP posts:
stillcrazyafterall · 29/10/2021 19:37

Whatever you do don't fall into the 'I'll be what they want' it was a trap I fell into until when I was 30 and I'd had enough. My last relationship ended and I swore never again. If they didn't like 'me' then they weren't the right one. Finally met Mr Right at 33 - and he got the 'real me' and we've been married over 25 years. It's liberating knowing I never have to hide anything- he loves me warts an' all! You will find someone- you are still really young!

Echobelly · 29/10/2021 19:39

Late 20s really isn't old and certainly too young to feel you have to pretend to be someone else to find someone, that way does not lead to happiness.

Original poster
markedinred · 29/10/2021 19:51

Maybe I don't have to pretend though, maybe I can learn to do something differently? I've never had a boyfriend so it seems like I am definitely doing something wrong.

OP posts:
WorkingItOutAsIGo · 29/10/2021 19:57

Honestly, you have to be authentic as attracting someone to a fake you is a recipe for disaster. Suggest you look in the library for a man - would love to find one who reads!!

Pinkbonbon · 29/10/2021 20:09

@markedinred

Maybe I don't have to pretend though, maybe I can learn to do something differently? I've never had a boyfriend so it seems like I am definitely doing something wrong.
Not having confidence in yourself and your own choices.

Their opinion on your life choices doesn't matter.

I thought i was a confident enough person before but I realise now that I was not. Now adays I approach dates from the view that they are there to prove they are suitable for me not the other way around. They either like me or they don't. And if they are wishy washy then I don't see them again.

Last 4 guys in a row have wanted a relationship (only accepted one). Five years ago I would have wondered how the feck I managed that!

What also really helped was practice in spotting narcissists and similar. They make up fair few of the bad ones. If you can weed them out early it really helps.

FOJN · 29/10/2021 20:40

It sounds like you know yourself and have a good life but would like someone to share it with. Ask yourself how much of "you" are you going to give up in pursuit of a relationship. Hopefully the answer in none. You are good enough the way you are. If you try to be something you are not and start a relationship with someone then you are going to have to maintain the "lie" which will be exhausting.

I would make sure your OLD profile gives an accurate picture of your interests and I would scrutinise those of any potential dates to weed out the ones you have little in common with. Perhaps you could identify men who interest you and initiate contact. I'd second finding hobby clubs to meet people with similar interests and give it time.

EarthSight · 29/10/2021 21:38

Don't change. You sound great.

Have you considered that the library trips make you sound bookish or intelligent......and sadly that might put some men off who don't like to be challenged intellectually?

altmember · 29/10/2021 23:28

@EarthSight

Don't change. You sound great.

Have you considered that the library trips make you sound bookish or intelligent......and sadly that might put some men off who don't like to be challenged intellectually?

That's a myth frankly. Vast majority of men aren't scared of a woman's intellect, and those that are aren't the ones you'd be interested in anyway.

The thing with stating you like spending your time in the library is that it's generally perceived as a very solitary thing to do. Would women be attracted to a man who says in his bio that he likes reading the FT? It's a pastime, not really a hobby or interest that can be shared. So it's not really relevant when it comes to dating.

It's not about being someone you're not, it's about being your best version of you, and presenting that to potential suitors. It's about having self confidence and showing it (without being flamboyant or brash or cocky), displaying value without being a show off. I can almost guarantee that a big smile and lots of bubbly small talk will make the world of difference to the way your dates go. And I know all that's far easier said than done.

What other hobbies and interests do you have?

Original poster
markedinred · 29/10/2021 23:57

I would be attracted to someone who read the FT daily Confused ... not if he was showing off about it though.

I love learning. I used to go to lectures and evening classes but now they're mostly online. The library and museums too.

I can be bubbly, but I am much better when I get to know people. OLD and the quickness of it all definitely doesn't do much for me.

OP posts:
Buggritbuggrit · 30/10/2021 00:30

I would also find it very attractive if a man read the FT. Or the Economist. I don’t see why all one’s hobbies are required to be interactive. I think people should have one or two things they do by themselves and I’d find it quite unattractive if someone I was interested had no solitary pastimes.

OP, in general terms, where do you live, how old are you, what do you do and what do the people you’re dating do (apart from the history teacher)? Did you/they go to uni? Postgrad? What fields? It sounds like you’re a particular kind of person who would be ideally suited to a a very particular kind of person. I think that recognising that and dating accordingly would probably be immensely helpful.

There are people who are into obscure comic book fandoms who are finding their exact match every day, so being a bit bookish isn’t a massive hindrance, I promise. Just date compatible people!

Original poster
markedinred · 30/10/2021 01:20

I'm 28 and I live in a university city. I have a PhD so I usually swipe on men with at least an undergrad. I try to swipe on compatible men but I'm also aware that I really don't know much about compatibility.

OP posts:
NiceGerbil · 30/10/2021 01:41

Real life is best. Also you're young. Also they weren't right for you. Pretending about aspects of who you are to get a bloke is a terrible idea!

NiceGerbil · 30/10/2021 01:44

Education level is a red herring imo.

Friends- do you go out much? Pubs? Groups? Things you enjoy? Work?

Compatibility isn't a thing you know about. It's a thing that happens. You get on, fancy each other, feel relaxed in company etc etc. No more than that. Algorithms can't predict chemistry though!

Bionicname · 30/10/2021 01:54

You sound great but OLD is maybe not the best way for you to meet someone, have a bit of time to properly get to know and like them, and fall in love. I know this probably makes me sound old-fashioned!
Is there a hobby you could imagine spending regular time on, and that lends itself to a weekly group? If you’re into learning, are there courses on offer you could join, eg learn a language or building a robot or a woodworking class… I know Covid has made things more difficult but I hope there’s still something out there, especially in a university town. Good luck!

layladomino · 30/10/2021 07:27

Keep being you. You may or may not meet someone, but you don't want to lose yourself in the process. And when you meet someone you need to be the real you- it's dishonest and unproductive to pretend you are someone you're not.

The 'right' person will like you for being you - and will respect that you are who you are and don't pretend different.

You might be missing something by only choosing people with degrees though - educational qualifications are not a good way of deciding of you would be compatible with someone. They aren't even a good measure of intelligence! (by that I mean there are bright people who chose not to go to uni)

Ozgirl75 · 30/10/2021 09:04

Pretty much everyone I know met their husbands through friends or friends of friends, so is that avenue open to you? Alternatively I would just throw yourself into hobbies that your enjoy or think they sound interesting.
When you meet the right person, you won’t have to compromise yourself at all, so don’t start doing it now just to meet some bozo who doesn’t like reading.

anthurium · 30/10/2021 09:30

@Ozgirl75

Pretty much everyone I know met their husbands through friends or friends of friends, so is that avenue open to you? Alternatively I would just throw yourself into hobbies that your enjoy or think they sound interesting. When you meet the right person, you won’t have to compromise yourself at all, so don’t start doing it now just to meet some bozo who doesn’t like reading.
This might be the case in your early/late 20s...which is the age range that Op is within. But even by then in my experience most people have already coupled up and it gets worse in your 30s and onwards therefore people need to branch out to try and meet more (single) people potentially. I don't know within my group any single (male) friends, if they're they are (happily) divorced and not looking to settle down again. Of course it isn't like this everywhere just my experience
VanCleefArpels · 30/10/2021 09:34

Which platform are you using? Aren’t some of them meant to provide a deeper match than just swiping?

1MillionDollars · 30/10/2021 09:38

Just be you.

Avarua · 30/10/2021 09:40

The library doesn't exactly say fun date. You'd need to whisper when you talked. No laughing. There's just zero sex appeal associated with a library trip. Zero.
If you're not getting follow up dates you might need to learn how to flirt?

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