'Being myself' seems to make me completely unattractive. I don't know how to move on

[markedinred]

My last match ended up with being ghosted (by a history teacher in his 30s) after telling him I was going to go the library this weekend. I know it's not clubbing but I genuinely like doing that. I go to the big city one and have lunch. It's great.

My last actual date ended up with the guy telling me I am a lovely girl who deserves someone great, which I think means I am boring.

I feel like I'm watching everyone I know pair up (late 20s) and the constant rejection is chipping away at my confidence.

You’ll be attractive to the right person. Don’t settle.

The right man will respect you for who you are - he doesn’t have to be into the same as you!

For what it’s worth, I also love going to the library, museums and galleries and I used to watch old black and white foreign films at the arts cinema when I was at uni. I met a really hot, athletic and funny guy at that time. He used to come along and say he was wanting to watch the same film and make out that it was really interesting to him (I know now he was just trying to impress me ). Anyway, we clicked and we’ve been married a very long time now with kids. We all go together the museum, the library and a lot of art exhibitions I look up - in fact we’ve travelled to see various exhibits. He loves my interests and after so together, we appreciate and nurture each other’s passions. I’m even quite sporty these days! We’re going for a run together this morning, training for a half marathon. He’s encouraged me to start paddle boarding, hiking and we follow a rugby team together too.

Relationships don’t have to be with someone just like you. Difference can be brilliant anf can work really really well!

When I was 25 I had a goal to find my future husband, to get married, and to have a baby.

We got married 9 months after we met and had our son 1.5 years later.

In my profile I wrote: 'I am looking for my future lovely husband to have a baby with. Honest, reliable, genuine, loving with a good sense of humour'.

What is your star sign? I believe in astrology 70% and it works for me & my husband for 16 years. Our son is 14.

You'll meet your right match. Don't rush, take your time. Go on dates, choose carefully. Only meet in public places for safety.

How I see it from the quantity you'll find quality.

Believe in yourself, work on your high self-esteem.

Good luck.

Try to look for compatibility

1. physical. You have to both like each other physically

2. intellectual. Your level of intellect has to match.

3. emotional (+emotional intelligence).

4. spiritual (common life values)

Also, the more you have in common, the better. Common hobbies, interests, and life goals unite the couple very well.

You don’t have to whisper in libraries any more!

DP and I often go to the library together and did when we were first dating. It’s a great way to find out what you have in common and to share interests. He often reserves books for me he thinks I might like too. When we went to Newcastle recently we spent ages in the Lit and Phil just wandering around, sitting reading stuff that caught our eye or looking things up to reserve at our local library.

@Avarua

The library doesn't exactly say fun date. You'd need to whisper when you talked. No laughing. There's just zero sex appeal associated with a library trip. Zero. If you're not getting follow up dates you might need to learn how to flirt?

It wasn’t a suggestion for a date though.

@markedinred

I'm 28 and I live in a university city. I have a PhD so I usually swipe on men with at least an undergrad. I try to swipe on compatible men but I'm also aware that I really don't know much about compatibility.

Maybe consider someone qualified in a trade or similar. Some of the nicest and brightest men I know didn’t go to university, and wouldn’t turn a hair at a visit to a library or museum.

Ahh you sound lovely. My exH many years ago made me keep my books in boxes under the bed, we were not compatible at all but I’d been trying to “fit in” with societal norms more. I met my very dear DH online, within a few messages we were talking about books and our dates always included bookshops! Both of us had been unappreciated by others, but we are very happy together so please try not to get too disheartened.

Ask your friends to keep an eye out for you, they may have friend of a friend
Pay for a dating agency in real life

You sound like a quieter person, more of an introvert. You'll find someone that loves you for it! You can't be someone different and build a genuine relationship, so don't apologise for who you are!

Is there a " Friends of the library" or Friends of the Museum " group you can join? That are your people? Or one of those meet up groups for hobbies that you can find?

They may have a friend of a friend they can set you up with
(Sorry didn't finish it first sentence!(

@EarthSight

Don't change. You sound great.

Have you considered that the library trips make you sound bookish or intelligent......and sadly that might put some men off who don't like to be challenged intellectually?

Surely a good thing though. It weeds them out.

I think you need to keep going with what you’re doing - being yourself and doing online dating. You are only looking for one compatible person and it takes time to find someone suitable.

I met my husband online. He doesn’t read much but totally accepts that I’m an avid reader and go to libraries and bookshops regularly. Equally I accept his hobbies and interests.

I got to a point where I assumed no one was into the same things I was. Whatever you do, don't compromise. I started dating men with different lifestyles/interests and it didn't work out well. I also was very strict on certain things such as age.
One day I set up a new profile and forgot to filter it to over 30s and got a lovely message from someone who sounded ideal but was too young (5yrs younger). I gave it a chance and a few years later everything is great. We never disagree, we bought a house together and our second baby is on the way.

My DP only ever set up dating profiles when he was being nagged by his colleagues for being the only one without a girlfriend. He assumed he'd never meet anyone he'd match with as he classes himself as boring and unattractive (he's not).

Maybe it's a timing thing for you too, OP. But don't back down on the type of person you want to find. Also don't let anyone persuade you that you're boring.

We did go and join my local library together and my DP was so happy .

Thank you everyone. I don’t think I’d know how to be a different person even if I tried! I had a new match yesterday so maybe it might be more successful.

Which app are you on?

Hinge just now. I’ve had some dates from
Bumble too. Tinder is not for me.

Be yourself, unapologetically. Because being liked or loved for someone you are not, is not nice in the slightest.

And be more openminded. I have received a good education myself. I matched with someone who messed up his A levels, and went straight to work after school. We have a very strong relationship. Don’t try to find everything you are looking for in one person, and stay open for what others bring to the table. If I want to talk ‘shop’, I go to my colleagues or friends.

We met on Tinder - I have had nothing but good experiences there. I read every profile, and spent time talking to people before meeting them. I was clear I was looking for something more meaningful as soon as I started talking to people, and evidently there were plenty of people who agreed. Whoever didn’t got a polite thank you and wishing you the best, and I moved on.

Tinder is not just for hook-ups. Please don’t dismiss apps beforehand on the basis of their reputation. My worst experience was with Guardian Soulmates, not Tinder.

Do people really believe that some apps are 'better' than others - they are all designed to keep us on there as long as possible (make money) and match group owns 6 other dating platforms. A lot of people are on many other platforms. It is random luck who is on what and when and when and of you match wig them.

Hinge does seem to be the best, many friends have met their partners on there. It does (or at least did) match only with friends of friends so it was similar circles.

Definitely DON’T compromise by trying to pretend to be someone else. But are you sure you’re being yourself on the first dates? It can be hard.