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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

8 years on, ex is back to see his child.

38 replies

Sashaisstressed · 29/10/2021 00:07

My ex who has been absent for our child’s whole life has recently got in touch.

Since we met to arrange plans for contact I can’t stop thinking about him. I’ve literally not seen him for nearly a decade and it’s triggered so much.

How do I control this.

OP posts:
TurnUpTurnip · 29/10/2021 00:08

In what way do you mean? You can’t stop thinking about him?

pog100 · 29/10/2021 00:10

Triggered what? It's not clear whether you are still harbouring feelings for him, remembering abuse or something else. The advice will differ accordingly.

1MillionDollars · 29/10/2021 00:12

Remember the fact that he didn't see his child for 8 years.

What kind of fucking TOSSER does that.

Just my thoughts.

Original poster
Sashaisstressed · 29/10/2021 00:14

It’s triggered thoughts of wanting him but hating him at the same time. I’m really confused as to where this has come from.

OP posts:
TurnUpTurnip · 29/10/2021 00:15

Wow he didn’t bother with your child for 8 years and you have feelings of “wanting him” 😕

1MillionDollars · 29/10/2021 00:16

Give yourself a kick. 8 years....8 years. Jeeeesus. Do t be a mug!!!

Original poster
Sashaisstressed · 29/10/2021 00:18

I am booting myself over this. Of course I don’t actually want him. He traumatised me. Hence why I’m so confused right now…

OP posts:
TurnUpTurnip · 29/10/2021 00:19

Maybe don’t be around for contact then if you are feeling this way? 3rd patty etc doesn’t seem healthy, let him see his child rather than you making it about you and him

RantyAunty · 29/10/2021 00:20

Why haven't you told him to fuck off?
There is no good reason for him showing up now.

PastMyBestBeforeDate · 29/10/2021 00:21

Has he got a woman he wants to impress?

DowntonCrabby · 29/10/2021 00:24

Don’t just let him waltz back in and have remotely any kind of contact. He can go though court and they can decide if it’s in your DC’s best interests to have him in their life.
No more contact directly OP, get him to go through his and your solicitor.
You know he’s not a good guy OP, don’t do this to yourself/ DC. Flowers

Gingernaut · 29/10/2021 00:24

Does he have parental rights?

Does the child even remember him?

Was he abusive?

Is he a danger to the child?

Think of the impact this will have on your DC.

billy1966 · 29/10/2021 00:24

OP,

Put your feelings and keep your wits about you.

This prick has abandoned his child for 8 years?

Give your head a great big wobble.

He's a waster and the very last thing your child needs is him swanning in on her life.

Keep your wits about you and do not allow any thinking or decisions to be made with any other area of your body, other than your brain!! 🙄

1MillionDollars · 29/10/2021 00:27

Don't be confused. It's very very clear.

There are billions of people in the world and you decide to revive feelings for a man that abandoned you for 8 years.

Work on your self esteem.

MadMadMadamMim · 29/10/2021 00:27

I would not let any man who had not seen my child for 8 years waltz back in and expect to see them.

He's been absent for their entire life so far? He needs to go to court.

TurnUpTurnip · 29/10/2021 00:28

Sorry I misread it I assumed he was already having contact hence my comment, if he isn’t then absolutely court, why are you even meeting up with him 🤨 doesn’t sound like your thinking with your head that’s for sure

GenderAtheist · 29/10/2021 00:30

Surely you are not thinking of letting see your child ? Surely you’d want to set up some kind of indirect contact first and see if your ex sticks to that.

You don’t mention child support so I assume he’s been paying that every month for the last 8 years ?

Original poster
Sashaisstressed · 29/10/2021 00:45

You’re all right, god knows what is up with me. Maybe just a shock I’m not sure. Hopefully it’ll die down x

OP posts:
RantyAunty · 29/10/2021 00:51

I hope you've deleted and blocked him.

Trust that he sucks.

TheFormidableMrsC · 29/10/2021 00:51

OP, don't be unkind to yourself, it sounds to me as though it's triggered a PTSD response which can bring feelings that you just can't fathom. I would really recommend some therapy to deal with that. I have some experience of this.

In terms of your child, please don't allow contact. 8 years is a long time. If he's serious and committed he will apply to court and jump the very many hoops he'll be required to before he's allowed contact.

My ex-h has done this 3 times now. The last time the court ended contact. It's so traumatic for that child. Please don't put yours in that position. Block him and don't look back.

1MillionDollars · 29/10/2021 00:52

Keep asking yourself that question. What's wrong with me? You should hate this person.

It's brought up feelings, I and most get that, but sit with those feelings for a while because your mistaking them (surely) for something else.

Pallisers · 29/10/2021 01:00

he fucks off for your child's entire life and when he shows up after EIGHT years you meekly "arrange contact" as if it was 2 weeks ago he last saw his child!

I hope your thought process was more complex than this. Seriously. Stop thinking about whatever feelings you have for him (our minds/emotions can fuck with us) and THINK about what this might mean for your child when he fucks off again for another eight years. Honestly think about the best interests of your child and how, if it is in his best interests, you can gradually and safely introduce this man and have him explain his abandonment of his child for his entire life.

Get some advice in real life here OP.

SausageSizzle · 29/10/2021 03:10

Why do you think it is in your child's interests to have contact with someone they have no parental relationship with?

Yes, the court normally considers contact a good thing, but that is to preserve and promote the existing parental relationship. Here, there isn't one. Why would you force your child to spend time with someone who is essentially a stranger to them? And if they bond with him, it's almost worse because he'll probably get sick of playing happy families and walk out again.

I'd let him take you to court and let the court decide whether contact is in your child's best interests.

altmember · 29/10/2021 03:29

Don't bother with all the pantomime of forcing him to go through the courts/legal process. That's just being pathetic and controlling. He'll either give up and you'll have blocked your child from ever having a relationship with their father, or you'll goad him into seeing it through and then you'll end up with a court order that binds you to some kind of regular contact (quite possibly through a contact centre if you're being awkward, and they're a shit place to be).

You need to explain to him that he needs to build up a new relationship with the child from the ground up, that it'll take time, and that you won't tolerate him being a flake. Maybe, just maybe, he's decided to step up and take his role of father seriously now? You shouldn't deprive your child of that relationship opportunity, but you do want to be very cautious about it.

Have you been single for the last 8 years? You're probably looking back at it all with rose tints, there must be a reason why you broke up?

GiantHaystacks2021 · 29/10/2021 03:40

Delete and block.

There's probably some female whose hole he wants to get into.
Needs his kid now as bait.