8 years on, ex is back to see his child.

[Sashaisstressed]

My ex who has been absent for our child’s whole life has recently got in touch.

Since we met to arrange plans for contact I can’t stop thinking about him. I’ve literally not seen him for nearly a decade and it’s triggered so much.

How do I control this.

Jesus. What have I just read. He’s been absent for eight years and you’re just going to stand by while he waltzes back in as if nothing ever happened? Why aren’t you angry? Why are you listening to this man? Have you heard of boundaries. Why aren’t you protecting your child? Your attitude and feelings around this are exactly the root of all your issues. This man dropped you and your child like a hot stone. You need therapy right now. Google somebody now. Do not see this man until you’ve spoken to a professional to work out why you are like this. This is not a normal reaction. Until you can stand up for yourself and the health/wellbeing of your child you should not be talking to this man. You and your child are vulnerable and at real risk. You have no idea where this man has been, who he mixes with, if he’s going to stick around. My suggestion is that you respond in the following way “I will let you know how much the 8 years of backdated child maintenance is. I expect you to get your payments up to date before we can even talk about you having contact” then see how keen he is to see his kid then.

Your child is too young to put healthy boundaries in place for themselves so I do think you have a responsibility to them to do so. You're setting them up for anxiety, disappointment and rejection if you're so eager for them to have a father figure in their life that you allow this man to dictate contact with them. I'm afraid I wouldn't be allowing contact without a court order unless I had some proof of his intention to commit to the child and even then it would be only if my child wanted it and baby steps. You don't get to walk out for 8 years and then come back into your child's life as if you never left.

I'd call his bluff and go 'so glad you've decided to step up and try to be a father. When can I expect the 8 years of back child support?'

Unfortunately if he really does want to see the kid then he may be entitled to do so. Definately get some legal advice.

This is also a good time to talk with your child about good people and bad people and how bad people treat others. And how they should never tolerate bullies or try to understand them but instead, should just try to stay as far away from them as possible.

@altmember

Don't bother with all the pantomime of forcing him to go through the courts/legal process. That's just being pathetic and controlling. He'll either give up and you'll have blocked your child from ever having a relationship with their father, or you'll goad him into seeing it through and then you'll end up with a court order that binds you to some kind of regular contact (quite possibly through a contact centre if you're being awkward, and they're a shit place to be).

You need to explain to him that he needs to build up a new relationship with the child from the ground up, that it'll take time, and that you won't tolerate him being a flake. Maybe, just maybe, he's decided to step up and take his role of father seriously now? You shouldn't deprive your child of that relationship opportunity, but you do want to be very cautious about it.

Have you been single for the last 8 years? You're probably looking back at it all with rose tints, there must be a reason why you broke up?

Sorry this is utterly appalling advice under the circumstances that OP describes. It is not controlling at all to expect intervention via Family Court in situations such as this. The man is an abuser, he's abandoned his child.

OP please ignore this.

He would be granted contact through courts
They’d say build up slowly, maybe by letters etc first, then short supervised visits etc

Has he actually explained his motives?
Why now?
What is he wanting?

@TheFormidableMrsC

Family court is for people that can't come to a mutually agreeable arrangement by themselves. If they're able to do that between themselves then no need for court. What's the point of causing yourself stress and hassle by forcing the legal route when the outcome will be a formal court order that the OP would need to legally comply with? The court isn't going to refuse a seriously willing parent total contact, whether or not they've neglected their role for years or not. Cafcass and the court won't apply an emotional veil, and the OP will lose all control over the contact arrangements.

What do you think will happen if it goes to court?

[quote altmember]@TheFormidableMrsC

Family court is for people that can't come to a mutually agreeable arrangement by themselves. If they're able to do that between themselves then no need for court. What's the point of causing yourself stress and hassle by forcing the legal route when the outcome will be a formal court order that the OP would need to legally comply with? The court isn't going to refuse a seriously willing parent total contact, whether or not they've neglected their role for years or not. Cafcass and the court won't apply an emotional veil, and the OP will lose all control over the contact arrangements.

What do you think will happen if it goes to court?[/quote]
I am very well versed with the processes of the family court as my ex-husband used it to control and abuse me for eight years. I know what it's for and why. Each time he abandoned our son, he would eventually apply out of the blue citing "parental alienation". He has been given short shrift every time. He has now lost the right of contact.

It is also unlikely the OP would be considered a candidate for mediation with a person who has behaved as OP's ex has. I absolutely would not enter into any discussion or subject my child to anything without the cloak of protection of the court. In this case it is entirely appropriate.

What I would expect to see is a Cafcass Section 7 investigation. Safeguarding checks. The absent parent being ordered to attend a Caring Dads course alongside a positive parenting programme. Supervised contact for as long as necessary building to unsupervised if the absent parent is considered safe to do so and the child has reacted positively to the prospect of a relationship. It has been 8 years, the OP knows nothing of the man and his life. I am really surprised that you think this is a case for having a chat and working it out. It isn't.

As I said, I speak from experience. Ultimately the needs, wishes and feelings of the child are paramount. In my view, the only way this can be safely approached is via the court.

@altmember In addition to my post below, if the child's father is serious and willing to engage and put that child first then he would embrace that process and work hard to prove himself.

Courts do not always allow contact regardless, as is my own experience.

Maybe he’s matured, realised what a dick he’s been for 8 years, is trying to change. It happens. I’d tentatively accept it, but monitor the situation as it progresses.

@Livelovebehappy

Maybe he’s matured, realised what a dick he’s been for 8 years, is trying to change. It happens. I’d tentatively accept it, but monitor the situation as it progresses.

Or maybe he’s been living abroad for 9 years where he’s had several other children who he’s not allowed contact with because he has a history of child abuse. Or he’s been in prison for murdering his last partner.

It happens.

My point is that no one knows. None of us here know anything about him and what his motives are. What we do know is that he doesn’t have a good track record. And that the best indication of what will happen in future is the past.

So I agree with you that the Op need to be extremely cautious.

Sasha, according to your other thread, your daughter is 10 and her father abandoned her at birth. You were teenagers and he denied paternity.

In both of your threads, your focus has been on your resurfaced feelings for this man instead of on your child and her well-being.

DD must be protected and safeguarded. This deadbeat has so far proven to be completely untrustworthy. He rejected and discarded DD at birth and has provided zero emotional, physical or financial support for 10 long years.

You need to back up and seriously consider the ramifications of introducing this unreliable stranger into DD’s life. He could cause her untold damage. If you decide to go ahead, you should absolutely get professional advice on the wisest way to move forward.

“You need to back up and seriously consider the ramifications of introducing this unreliable stranger into DD’s life. He could cause her untold damage. If you decide to go ahead, you should absolutely get professional advice on the wisest way to move forward.”

This. You don’t seem to have questioned whether or not your ex should be allowed to just stroll back into the life of the daughter he abandoned 8 years ago. You have just gone along with what he’s demanded. It sounds like he turned up and you rolled over. You don’t have to just give him what he asks for. It’s not just about protecting you, its about protecting your daughter. Take time over this. Work out whether this is the right thing for her. His feelings really don’t matter. His motives may be shady. Don’t just give him what he wants. Make him earn this.

Op it will be the trauma. Abandonment for 8 years is awful.

I don't think id be allowing contact at all. If he wants it, he can go through the courts. I doubt it would be in the child’s best interest until everyone knows exactly what the actual he is up to. Why is he back now?