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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend or friends

29 replies

Ivy2006 · 28/10/2021 18:19

Hey,

So to cut a long story short.. my boyfriend had plans to go to an event in a club in Manchester with his friends this upcoming weekend. As this was our child free weekend, I also made arrangements to go out with some work colleagues as we've had a lot of stress at work recently. I've been so excited about it as it's not often I go out with my friends as all my free time is spent with my boyfriend.

A few days ago, my boyfriends friends all cancelled on him and decided to not to go to the event. Due to this, he invited me instead. I told him I'd already made prior arrangements but he became very unhappy with this. His words were "you should want to spend time with your boyfriend more than your friends". Whilst I agree this should be the case on most occasions, sometimes you need a break. Plus, we both made prior arrangements with our friends. I only got an invite because his friends cancelled on him.

Now he's due to go tomorrow but he's still giving me a tough time for not going as he thinks I'm 'up to no good' as I'm so 'desperate to go out with friends'.

Am I being reasonable for not going with him? He has 1 friend who has said he would go with him. Plus I can't just drop my plans because he's asked

OP posts:
Monsterpumpkins · 28/10/2021 18:22

Good for you. He doesn't have the monopoly over your free time. Your friends will be glad you kept to the plans I imagine.
Remember sulking, moods and the silent treatment aren't signs of a healthy relationship.. He should be wishing you a great time out!

BurbageBrook · 28/10/2021 18:28

That is outrageous on his part. You already have plans. He is being a dick.

Cuntness · 28/10/2021 18:29

What a prick.

girlmom21 · 28/10/2021 18:31

So you're not allowed to prioritise your friends but he's allowed to prioritise his?

Did you point out he'd made plans with his friends first?

Is he the father of your children? If not, dump him. He'll only get more controlling.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 28/10/2021 18:34

What's happened here is that you're in a relationship with a prick.

Who does he think he is?!

TheFoundations · 28/10/2021 18:37

The worrying thing here is that you're questioning yourself. Surely you know deep down that this is not ok? Otherwise you'd be expecting a bunch of posts to say 'he's fine, you're being stupid', and nobody posts to hear that.

You're posting for validation, in the face of totally unreasonable behaviour.

Bananalanacake · 28/10/2021 18:40

Is he the father of your DC. I'm worried he's going to get more controlling.

GreyCarpet · 28/10/2021 18:41

Of course you go out with your friends. You made plans with them because he'd made plans with his friends first. He can't expect you to then cancel those plans because his plans fell through!

Strangevipers · 28/10/2021 18:41

Go with your friends. Simple

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 28/10/2021 18:42

He's a twat.

BoredtoTiers · 28/10/2021 18:42

Nah, I'd be creating some distance. Unless some weird back story, he's basically told you he'd prioritise his friends, but you should always be there as his plan B.

Unless you're about to add you've been together for a very long time / he's your children's father, then fast forward a while and you'll not be his plan A, but will still be expected to be there as his plan B.

Put it this way, I've been with my OH close to 20 years and yeah, he might angle to tag along if an event of his got cancelled, but I cannot imagine him demanding I cancel my event instead. Just wouldn't happen.

Kite22 · 28/10/2021 18:43

The only one being unreasonable here is him, with his ridiculous 'demands'.

Sakurami · 28/10/2021 18:54

That's bollocks. You've made other arrangements and that's it.

Not your fault his friends cancelled but even if he hadn't had had any plans, you're allowed to socialise without him.

And being questioned about your fidelity speaks more about him than you.

I would reconsider my relationship

Original poster
Ivy2006 · 28/10/2021 18:54

Thanks everyone!
To be honest, I knew he was being a twat for getting annoyed I kept to my original plans.

We both already had plans with our friends so he can’t expect me to cancel everything all for him just because his own plans fell through. It’s selfish and controlling.

He’s not my daughters father but he’s raised her since she was a few months old. This isn’t the first time something like this has happened so I think I’m ready to part ways.

I know full well he’ll either not go to the event so he can be home when I get home from my night out.. or he’ll ring snd text me constantly and ruin my night

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 28/10/2021 18:54

Wow, hell op, I'd tell him not to come back.

It was shitty as is but now I accusing you of being up to no good because you want anoint out with your friends. That's so controlling. Absolutely time to put this guy in the bin.

Go have fun with your friends. And when you get back, get him gone. He is spiraling. As pp said, he will get worse. Run.

Pinkbonbon · 28/10/2021 18:56

@Ivy2006

Thanks everyone! To be honest, I knew he was being a twat for getting annoyed I kept to my original plans.

We both already had plans with our friends so he can’t expect me to cancel everything all for him just because his own plans fell through. It’s selfish and controlling.

He’s not my daughters father but he’s raised her since she was a few months old. This isn’t the first time something like this has happened so I think I’m ready to part ways.

I know full well he’ll either not go to the event so he can be home when I get home from my night out.. or he’ll ring snd text me constantly and ruin my night

It gets worse.

This is abusive behaviour from him op.
But it sounds like you already know this.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 28/10/2021 18:58

I know full well he’ll either not go to the event so he can be home when I get home from my night out.. or he’ll ring snd text me constantly and ruin my night

Please, please leave this arsehole.

You've seen what he's like now and it sounds like you're switched on and know it's wrong.

Don't make your little one grow up watching this unhealthy dynamic, you deserve more and so does your child.

girlmom21 · 28/10/2021 19:02

Dump him. 100%. That's so controlling and unnecessary.

Babyghirl · 28/10/2021 19:05

@Ivy2006
What happens if your mates all cancelled would he dump his mates for you prop not.

Go on your night out and if he makes a fuss of it dump his sorry ass and thank heavens he's not your dd father

LeftyLou · 29/10/2021 00:15

How unfair that he thinks you are "up to no good" because you are looking forward to going out with friends. He seems very entitled. It is not like you are dismissing his feelings or saying you do not want to spend quality time with him. So cruel!

Peach01 · 29/10/2021 00:29

So he didn't invite you in the first place? He only wants you to come because others have cancelled. Had they not, he would have went and done his own thing without a second thought.
To take advantage of the child free time you also made plans, which are still going ahead. He's manipulating this into "you're clearly up to no good" for not dropping your friends when he initially hadn't considered you part of his plans. What a selfish arse.

Sakurami · 29/10/2021 10:57

OP leave him.

Natty13 · 29/10/2021 11:21

If your plans with friends had fallen through would he cancel his to then spend time with you instead?

No, didn't think so.

Cas112 · 29/10/2021 11:29

Stick to your guns, you have your own life and he cant dictate. If he is so bothered about doing something together then tell him to arrange something nice next weekend for you both.

Would he do the same for you if your friends cancelled and he had plans with his friends?

Shoxfordian · 29/10/2021 11:30

He’s being a controlling knob
End the relationship and enjoy your night out

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