Is he stingy with money ?

[Lila1990]

Good evening everyone,

I have recently ended a 3 years relationship with a man who was extremely generous and a gentleman, but wasn’t honest and lied about his past.

3 months ago I started dating a new guy and we really get along. He is very affectionate and wanted to be together with me as a boyfriend, introduced me all his friends and family etc. I am just worried that he may be a bit stingy with money. I have to admit that he is still a uni student and a bit younger than me (6 years - although I always date younger men as I look younger myself) but he never really even tried to take me out for dinner, it happened once and I paid my half. We always do 50/50 for everything, and few times I gave him some money to pay the bill and “he forgot to give me back the change”. One time I gave him a €50 note and he gave me €30 back. Then I noticed the bill and he spent only €7… basically he didn’t give me all the change back. His friends also, always joke about him being really stingy.. they asked me “did he ask you for the petrol money yet?” and laughed (he didn’t at least). Also, he invited me for a holiday with him and 2 foreign rich friends.. I noticed that these 2 guys were paying for everything and he never tried to help them.. it was just me doing the effort. I have the feeling he is interested of being friends with them so when they come to Italy they just pay for his holiday as well, same for when he goes abroad to see them. Ok, I come from a culture (Italy) where I am used to men always trying to pay. In that case I always offer to pay my half as I don’t think a man should pay for everything, and I also like to treat my boyfriends for dinner and stuff as soon as I see them doing that with me.

Could you please girls give me your opinion on that? Am I just the typical Italian spoilt princess or am I right ?

Thanks

Yep - men always would pay for dates/family meals & events

Indefinitely?

@DillonPanthersTexas I don’t date Italian men anymore, so can’t comment on that aspect.

But in my family the men are the ones who handle the restaurant bills, always. Am almost 40 & still the men pay!

I recently had to explain to my dad that the women in their sports social club were taking the piss because they would never pay for a round of drinks.

Poor dad was confused how to handle a situation where cheapskate Aussie chicks they didn’t know well were sneaking their drink orders in the round

This is a man who would shout at you for a range of other things, but was at a complete loss as to how to handle a social situation like that…bless

@DillonPanthersTexas I have a focus group of exactly one, but pretty much. My ex is Italian and a lovely, liberal feminist chap. He always wanted to pay for everything. Even well into the relationship, my paying for stuff was a bit of a struggle and if I’d done it in front of his mates, he might have died of embarrassment (and they’d definitely have rubbed him about it).

I’m Nigerian and Nigerian men (not Nigerian British, Nigerians who grew up in Nigeria) have a very similar attitude. It’s very deeply entrenched in a lot of cultures that the man pays, no matter however modern and focussed on equality both parties are in other respects. Moving to the U.K. was definitely a bit of a culture shock in that sense.

Well he gave you 30 back from 50,when it costed 7 - do you only carry big notes around, as really, that was a large dinomination for a small thing? .
What can you expect from a student, unless he has rich/ generous parents? If he's largely keeping up with 50/50, he's doing well. But I think live within his means if you like him, do stuff he can afford 50/50 on, and if you have far more cash than him, why not the odd treat if you like him? However, just shows you are at different life stages really. Not all 25 yo are still at uni, so can still aim that young, but in work, if you must.

@Lila1990

I was embarrassed to ask the change back …

If you are having sex with him then you should be more than capable of asking for your change back!

Buggritbuggrit

Fair enough. I spent some time living and working in Nigeria (and Ghana, Burkina Faso and Senegal) and as you say the culture there is very much focused on the man paying (even if he cant afford it) otherwise your social standing is severely diminished. I recall there being very entrenched and defined gender roles too. I remember inviting a load of my work colleagues around for dinner one time and they were astonished to see that I (a man) had done all the shopping and cooking. The men found it hilarious that I was in the kitchen and the women could not believe I could actually prepare a decent meal so started to take the piss out of the men.

Where in Nigeria are you from (if you don't mind me asking). I spent time in Lagos, Abuja and New Bussa.

The fact that his friends have told you he is stingy should be warning enough for you. Bin him.

@DillonPanthersTexas

Buggritbuggrit

Fair enough. I spent some time living and working in Nigeria (and Ghana, Burkina Faso and Senegal) and as you say the culture there is very much focused on the man paying (even if he cant afford it) otherwise your social standing is severely diminished. I recall there being very entrenched and defined gender roles too. I remember inviting a load of my work colleagues around for dinner one time and they were astonished to see that I (a man) had done all the shopping and cooking. The men found it hilarious that I was in the kitchen and the women could not believe I could actually prepare a decent meal so started to take the piss out of the men.

Where in Nigeria are you from (if you don't mind me asking). I spent time in Lagos, Abuja and New Bussa.

@DillonPanthersTexas Yes a man here in Italy usually (but there are exceptions like in my example!) always try to pay.. even if they cannot afford it. This is because it would be embarrassing for a man letting other people see that his woman pay. People talk here and they would definitely say something like “oh look at that couple! He is letting the girlfriend paying such a stingy man!” Or something like that. I am not saying this is right (I don’t agree with this as I lived in the UK for many years), but this is how it is. We have grown up in this culture and with this mindset. Personally, I like when a man always TRY to pay, but I wouldn’t let him always pay. If he pays, I pay the next round. However is the trying that counts. An Italian man that never even tries is a serious thing here trust me.. it’s bad. I should add that yes he is a student but he’s not a broke student. He apparently comes from a good family he has no student loan or anything, he owns a property (no rent). He is also a mature student as he finished a university course and just started a new one. About that time that he short changed me.. maybe I should explain this better too. The day before we went for food shopping (we don’t live together but recently it was at his place quite a lot so I chose to contribute for some of the food shopping of course). He paid and try to give him 50 I have asked him “Do you have 30 to give me back ?” He said he didn’t, not to worry that we could have sorted it out the next day. The next day he wanted to go to the supermarket again as he forgot something and I said “As I didn’t contribute to the food yesterday, please take this €50 and give me back the change”. And happened that he gave me back only 30 when he spent 7. But maybe he was thinking that he should have kept the 20 like I said the day before? Still I would have appreciated him telling me?

@Opentooffers

he is not a broke student and comes from a good family, owns a property and has no rent to pay. However I really don’t agree with you when you said “what do you expect from a student”. Even if I’m broke, I would never ever try to short change anyone or forgetting to give the change back.. I never did it. I never did it when I was at uni and broke!

Also, I am not rich wealthy or anything myself! In fact, I’m not working since June. I had to leave my job in the UK to come back to Italy after a bad few months struggling with a relationship that wasn’t working and terrible mental health. I am fine now and I just found a new job here in Italy and moving to a new city next week (by myself I should add!).

So I am not definitely that wealthy woman that someone could take advantage for money

He is a parasite. It is clear that he has a reputation for this. Men like this take advantage of their girlfriend’s generosity and embarrassment and end up financially ahead. Don’t let him get away with it.

@smoko

Missed that you’re Italian too!

Am 1/2 Sicilian but Aussie so understand what you mean by cultural difference in the attitude about money

Yep - men always would pay for dates/family meals & events

But it would also be looked down on to count every penny, so can see how you’d feel awkward to ask for a few dollars back

Would you forget to give someone their change though? Sounds like this has happened more than once

His friends are jokingly warning you that he’s a tightarse. You’re seeing it already. I wouldn’t be seeing this person again.

Well said @smoko

In 2021, italian women do not expect the guy to always pay, but WE do expect them to at least try! If you’re a good woman, you appreciate the trying, but you don’t let them pay everytime of course. It’s just how our culture is ….. a man who never tries is just so Not a gentleman at all ..

@DillonPanthersTexas

Buggritbuggrit

Fair enough. I spent some time living and working in Nigeria (and Ghana, Burkina Faso and Senegal) and as you say the culture there is very much focused on the man paying (even if he cant afford it) otherwise your social standing is severely diminished. I recall there being very entrenched and defined gender roles too. I remember inviting a load of my work colleagues around for dinner one time and they were astonished to see that I (a man) had done all the shopping and cooking. The men found it hilarious that I was in the kitchen and the women could not believe I could actually prepare a decent meal so started to take the piss out of the men.

Where in Nigeria are you from (if you don't mind me asking). I spent time in Lagos, Abuja and New Bussa.

When was this and how old were these people?! Growing up, quite a lot of us had people to do stuff like that for us, but I don’t know any Nigerians, male or female, of my generation who would find it hilarious that a man could cook.

However, (as I’m sure you know) Nigeria is a massive country with a really diverse population and huge differentials in things terms of culture, wealth and education. So, I’m sure you could find people who believed in pretty much anything. One of the few things on which everyone agrees is that the man should pay.

I’m half Nupe and half Igbo, I grew up in Kaduna, went to boarding school in Lagos for a bit and then went to uni in Abuja.

Ok then, that's extra info, so it does come down to him taking advantage of others without giving back. No point in staying with him then, as others have said, his friends comments are a warning.
You have a lot going on, concentrate on that instead, you're wasting time on someone who is incompatible.

@Opentooffers

Thank you. To be honest we are seeing eachothers only 3 months I am not that emotionally involved and I have recently broke up with my ex after 3 years THAT was hard ! I am now moving to another city so I will just start dating someone new. I didn’t like the short changing than I also notice other small things like never shares food or finishes all without asking me or other people at the table if we want some so bad isn’t it

He comes from a good family

OP, come on. I’m making allowances for English not being your first language, but you need to think about the things you’re saying. What is a ‘good family’? Presumably, you mean one with money? Are families without money ‘bad families’? If he came from a ‘bad family’, would that excuse this behaviour?

Just. Dump. Him.

Stingy men are a massive turn off.

@Buggritbuggrit

Yes sorry for my English, “buona famiglia”( good family) in Italy means “wealthy”. It was just a wrong translation. I think his family members are all tight with money though.. One if his long distance cousin told me that we were out all together in a bar and he said something to him like “oh in your family they’re all so stingy, then looked at me and said “he is incredibly stingy”. I was basically embarrassed for him and didn’t know what to say… it was one of our first dates I was hoping it wasn’t true. Apparently it is ahaha !

@Lila1990 Ah, it’s a direct translation? In that case, my apologies for being snippy.

I don't mind (in fact I support) people who are saving or don't have a lot of money being careful and not paying for others. However, him taking advantage of you and his friends is a big no.

I wouldn't find anyone attractive if they behaved like that.

@Buggritbuggrit

No worries it makes sense! Yes it is .. buona means “good” and if you are here in Italy and you say “buona famiglia” it literally means “wealthy family”. Of course it doesn’t mean that a “buona famiglia (wealthy) has necessarily good values, however languages (especially Latin languages) are very old … so probably many years ago when in Italy people had arranged marriages (basically contracts) a “good family” was a family with money and they wanted the daughters to marry men from those families. Now values have changed of course!! But the language stayed the same so this is what good family means here

@Buggritbuggrit
And myself I’m used to think in Italian then translate in English so I sometimes make mistakes. No worries though

OK I need to move to Italy

@Lila1990 So, ‘good family’ means a similar sort of thing in English, but has more…unpleasant and classist overtones, if that makes sense. It’s a bit different from saying ‘these people are rich’, which is a factual statement, it’s almost a value judgment, that is very intertwined with the U.K.’s obsession with class (but wealth is also very much an element) and the differentiation between the good and the ‘not good’.

I have no idea if I’ve explained that in a way that makes sense, but I definitely shouldn’t have been snippy in the first place. I clearly need to eat some lunch. Anyway, you taught me something, so thank you!

@wizzywig
Then you get unlucky and you find the ONLY italian man who doesn’t pay ahahaha

Run.