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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Sulking hubby

25 replies

sandybeach93 · 28/10/2021 16:30

So, we've all been for a walk to the shops and was okay when walking there and around and I assumed while walking back too.. well we have been home for 3 hours and he's not said anything to me until now asking if I'm sure everything is okay then seems to think that because I've paid the children more attention walking home and didn't speak with him on the way home that something is wrong with just because I was messing around with the kids and having a joke about with them, he went straight upstairs to the bedroom and stayed there without saying anything I went in to see if he was okay and to give him post he had and he said he was okay didn't mention having a headache until now but now he's putting the blame onto me for not speaking on the walk home. I said I actually came in to ask you if you was okay and you never said anything about a headache that would of been a good time to say something instead of just being quiet for 4 hours and expecting me to know you have a headache... he's said nothing in response and gone back upstairs

Makes me wish I never said anything this is why I have no backbone to afraid of the silent treatment and awkwardness afterwards and being blamed for it

OP posts:

Original poster

sandybeach93 · 28/10/2021 16:35

I can't help but feel like he is making me a bad mum from being to needy of my attention

OP posts:

Triffid1 · 28/10/2021 16:38

I don't really understand - he stopped talking to you while on your walk because you were giving the children too much attention and then came home and went upstairs and has refused to speak to you since (while, I assume, you continue to entertain and engage with the children?). And what does the headache have to do with anything?

Having said all that, sulking is never attractive. especially if it's to punish you for ridiculous misdeeds like talking to your children instead of him.

layladomino · 28/10/2021 16:40

Is he often like this? Or even like it infrequently?

This is very childish, selfish and unattractive behaviour on his part. He appears to be attention seeking (and is upset you paid more attention to your children!!).

For a star, don't be needy. Don't apologise. You've done nothing wrong, and if you apologise it reinforces in his head that his behaviour is worth it. No adult should 'communicate' by sulking. Even if he did feel you were off with him, the grown up thing to do is talk about it.

It's ironic that he has ignored you for several hours 'because' he thinks you didn't give him enough attention. Is he bright enough to work out his double standards?

Billybagpuss · 28/10/2021 16:42

From your last paragraph it sounds like this is a regular occurrence?

Silent treatment is very unattractive and can be considered controlling. There was a long running thread on here a while ago that you might be interested in reading.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking

Original poster

sandybeach93 · 28/10/2021 16:43

He constantly expects the to walk nicely and not be noisy or mess about inside the house and outside the house he acts like they are devils by making abit of noise being normal children
..on the way home I was joining in with joking about and having a laugh nothing dangerous of course but because I didn't engage in conversation with him he is being so ignorant and making out I'm in the wrong for not talking to him instead of the kids

OP posts:

tootiredtospeak · 28/10/2021 16:46

I would go nuclear on him what a dickhead the more he ignored me the more mad I would get until he had no choice to engage but that would mean an argument but so be it. What a dick

Dillydollydingdong · 28/10/2021 16:46

Are they his kids? You'd think he'd just join in!

Shoxfordian · 28/10/2021 16:48

He sounds like a knob
Is he always like this?

Original poster

sandybeach93 · 28/10/2021 16:49

It is a regular thing, until a few months ago if I didn't touch him or speak we would be sat in silence for the entire time, he's always playing on games (phone or Xbox) I told him I am close to asking for a divorce he is controlling and emotionally draining always feeling alone with no affection at all so he did change that only now he feels the need to be constantly touching me whether it's my hand leg or shoulder but it's slowly going back to silent treatment and being petty

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Shoxfordian · 28/10/2021 16:50

Divorce him; nothing’s going to change

OnyxOryx · 28/10/2021 16:57

@sandybeach93

I can't help but feel like he is making me a bad mum from being to needy of my attention

Then put your children first. Stop running around pandering to his whims because whatever you do regarding him it'll never ever be enough. He'll get worse, when his silent treatment no longer works to get your attention back onto him. One day you'll get sick of his abusive ways and dump him, so it may as well be now, but that's your call.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/10/2021 17:02

He does this because he can and it works for him.

I fail to see what if any positives you are taking from this relationship now. Its over in any case because of the silent treatment aka emotional abuse he metes out to you, and in turn your kids.

Put both you and your children first and foremost now by rebuilding your lives without him in it day to day. This is no legacy to be leaving them at all.

Original poster

sandybeach93 · 28/10/2021 17:08

I’ve felt concerned about this relationship being emotionally draining for around 2 and half now and Back in March 2020 he was made aware of me talking to another man from work we never acted on it we only spoke as I was craving attention and felt alone I wasn’t getting anything from Him and he suffers with depression and anxiety too so it’s even harder as I do everything for him and myself and the kids . Since that happened in March I have been made to delete everyone who I made friends with at that work place and I feel trapped and it’s suffocating. I feel like I’m paying for the mistake I made last year and I’ve been isolated from everyone. A lot of the time we sit in silence and I’m always the one to show any affection or start conversation if I don’t we can go all day and he will just stomp around and go do other things . I have no contact with anybody now apart from my mum dad hence why I have come to Mumsnet. I know I need to divorce I'm just afraid of not being able to cope alone he's made me feel I can't do it without him even though I kind of think he's the one making everyone worse

OP posts:

Original poster

sandybeach93 · 28/10/2021 17:11

We've only been together since 2017 and married since 2019 so it's really quite early on in the marriage I am fed up of people saying that it's just giving up on us but it's hard to get across how emotionally draining it is because all his family are the same

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Original poster

sandybeach93 · 28/10/2021 17:15

@Dillydollydingdong no they aren't his kids (their biological dad is also abusive and currently going through a court case they have no contact with him) @OnyxOryx I always put them first it's just in this instance it's about me interacting with them instead of him. I do feel a divorce is the right thing to do for myself and my babies because we deserve better, I've only had 2 relationships and both have been abusive so I will be sticking to just us 4 once I finally get the courage to do the right thing

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 28/10/2021 17:15

If you need permission to "give up", I'll give it to you. This marriage was a mistake and fuck anyone who criticises your choices. If they feel so poorly for your husband, they can marry him. Your marriage is doomed, you are miserable, and the best thing for you and your kids is to end it.

Original poster

sandybeach93 · 28/10/2021 17:20

I was put on antidepressants a few months back because it was really affecting me and things appeared to have improved then too, I've forgot a couple of them and I have this stupid idea I'm only feeling this way because of the missed medication or is the medication just masking my feelings that are real... more like a robot with either no emotion or an overload of emotions so I don't know what's real

OP posts:

Dillydollydingdong · 28/10/2021 17:21

Your dh is jealous of the relationship you have with the kids, and this is never going to change. Explain to him that it would be better for everyone including him, if there is a parting of the ways. Otherwise your DC are going to suffer...

Aquamarine1029 · 28/10/2021 17:25

The longer you wait to leave him, the more damage is being done to your children. Please don't allow them to live in this dysfunction.

Original poster

sandybeach93 · 28/10/2021 17:26

Thank you for opening my eyes, I don't have anyone else to speak to

OP posts:

FinallyHere · 28/10/2021 17:27

Absolutely spot on.

Your so called 'D'H is jealous of your children and a sulker.

Your brain knows that this is not right. You are either turning it in on yourself (depression) or medicating it away.

Find the strength from somewhere to get rid of him snd just watch how much better your life snd your mental health will be.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/10/2021 17:47

You and your children will thrive further without having this abuser in their lives.
Seek legal advice as soon as you are able.

Would also suggest you contact Womens Aid and look at the Freedom programme going forward. Your boundaries have been further skewed by this individual.

pointythings · 28/10/2021 17:51

You've jumped from one abusive relationship into another, I'm afraid. So now it's time to change.

Divorce this man. He's alienated you from your friends and colleagues, he's jealous of your fun and loving interactions with your children. He brings nothing of joy and happiness into your lives. Just get rid.

Then spend a few years being single. Focus on you and your children. Find out who you are, where your boundaries are, learn to love yourself. Maybe do the Freedom Programme so you get better at learning to recognise abusive losers. Then when you dip your toe into the dating pool again, you'll get a better result.

OnyxOryx · 28/10/2021 17:53

@sandybeach93

If "life" is causing your depression, it won't be cured by pills, only masked by them. If you life is the cause, you need to change your life to bring about a cure. It's pretty obvious from the outside what's causing the misery (him) and there's a relatively easy solution (divorce).

Newestname002 · 29/10/2021 14:24

@sandybeach93

I told him I am close to asking for a divorce

You don't have to ASK him for a divorce, OP. No permission needed from him - just a clear decision from you to end this relationship.

Talk to a solicitor (have your financial information with you when you do) and present him with a fait accompli when you are ready. Make your enquiries without talking with him further so you know what your options are to minimise the fallout and him possibly hiding funds before you've tied your finances down. It seems to be a favourite trick for the partner/spouse being divorced to clear out all funds from the joint account once separation/divorce processes commence, so ensure you have tied down your funds in your own personal accounts which are strongly passworded and which he has no access to.

Good luck- I hope things get better for you and your children. 🌹
**

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