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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please be kind

43 replies

Jolene93 · 28/10/2021 13:11

As my thread title says, please be kind as I’m struggling with my mental health atm feeling very anxious.

I’m in a group of friends, there’s four of us in total. Been friends since June/July.
We’ve got a WhatsApp group and we’re all close but I’d say that due to dynamics of the group, I would be labelled the “planner” - I always message them first, I’m the main instigator of our chats and I’m always the one planning things to do.

One of them moved for uni, so there’s just me and two others but the uni-goer has stayed on our WhatsApp and me and said person regularly talk.

The other two are best friends and have known each other for years, I’ve only known them since middle of the year, as has other friend.

One of them has become withdrawn and says it’s nothing to do with me but he’s barely talking to me and when he does it’s very short and then stops responding, also in group chat he’s not messaging back.

Other guy I’m very close to but feels like something has changed between us too.

I don’t know if it’s my mind playing tricks on me as I’m feeling anxious already but these things have made me feel even more anxious.

What do I do?

OP posts:
maddy68 · 28/10/2021 13:13

It could just be that they're busy and dont reply in quite the same way. It could also be that 3 is a tricky no. If the two have been friends for a while then it's kind of natural that they would revert to being a two again

JorisBonson · 28/10/2021 13:15

You don't know what's going on behind closed doors. They could be dealing with their own stuff.

With kindness, you've only known these people a minute. Could you be coming on a bit strong?

user64323 · 28/10/2021 13:22

When you say you've only known them since the middle of this year, was that a typo? Or do you genuinely mean you've only known them a couple of months?

Original poster
Jolene93 · 28/10/2021 13:29

@user64323 known two of them since June, the other since July

OP posts:
JorisBonson · 28/10/2021 13:32

That's no time at all, OP.

asteroommatus · 28/10/2021 13:52

Op how did you meet these people?

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 28/10/2021 13:58

I would back off and stop initiating conversation with them.

Original poster
Jolene93 · 28/10/2021 14:27

@asteroommatus Through mutual friends

@IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves I know, I’m just anxious that if I do that, I’ll not hear from them again as it’s become the norm for me to be the planner.

OP posts:
IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 28/10/2021 14:46

Well that would mean they weren't really your friends and isn't it better to know someone actually wants your company rather than shows up because you've sorted it all out?

If they are your friends, they will want to chat with you and hang out with you.

If they vanish when you aren't doing all the organising and contacting then you know the truth of where you stand.

TheFoundations · 28/10/2021 15:06

Why are you feeling you need to do anything at all?

You don't.

I'd say release yourself from the anxiety: do nothing.

JorisBonson · 28/10/2021 15:43

[quote Jolene93]@asteroommatus Through mutual friends

@IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves I know, I’m just anxious that if I do that, I’ll not hear from them again as it’s become the norm for me to be the planner.[/quote]
If you don't hear from them again then they're not real friends.

layladomino · 28/10/2021 15:47

You haven't known them long at all. You don't know what's going on in their lives. Not everyone likes to be in touch all the time or planning stuff. It isn't necessarily anything you've donw 'wrong' but it's a bit much for them.

I would stop engaging so much (keep in touch with the one at uni who you're chatting to of course). If they want to get together than one of them will eventually suggest it.

Do you have other friends?

Original poster
Jolene93 · 28/10/2021 16:42

@TheFoundations because it’s the dynamic of our group that that’s my ‘role’ per se, it’s expected, so if I don’t, nothing gets done

OP posts:
Original poster
Jolene93 · 28/10/2021 16:43

@layladomino not particularly no 😔

OP posts:
asteroommatus · 28/10/2021 16:47

[quote Jolene93]@asteroommatus Through mutual friends

@IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves I know, I’m just anxious that if I do that, I’ll not hear from them again as it’s become the norm for me to be the planner.[/quote]
This has been a complicated friend set up that has had some drama in the few short weeks you have known them, hasn't it?

If they are backing off. You need to let them. Some friendships are brief. They aren't long term.

Stay in contact with the ones who contact you. If people are visibly backing away, trying to claw them back won't work.

Either that or its simply not about you. They could be busy or stressed or not feeling sociable

Either way, you need to stop hanging onto friendships that don't work for you

Cakecrumbsinmybra · 28/10/2021 16:48

I think if the other two are best friends already then they are probably doing their own thing and perhaps the dynamic is a bit odd if the third has moved away? One of them might have something going on in their lives that they don't want to share right now. PPs are right, you haven't been friends for that long. Perhaps it's not the right dynamic right now, you'll meet other friends - you sound really nice.

JorisBonson · 28/10/2021 16:51

[quote Jolene93]@TheFoundations because it’s the dynamic of our group that that’s my ‘role’ per se, it’s expected, so if I don’t, nothing gets done[/quote]
It seems strange you think you have this role so quickly into a short friendship. To be blunt, are you sure they actually want to do things with you? Friendships shouldn't be this difficult.

Walkingalot · 28/10/2021 16:59

You've only know these people a few months so how do you know that they don't manage to organise anything but don't tell you? Sorry if it sounds hurtful but you can't force these things. I'd go low contact for a while and see how things are in a few weeks.

TheFoundations · 28/10/2021 17:04

[quote Jolene93]@TheFoundations because it’s the dynamic of our group that that’s my ‘role’ per se, it’s expected, so if I don’t, nothing gets done[/quote]
It's not your role. It's not been decided externally to you, that that's what you must do. You've decided to do it, you've done it, and now you've decided you need to keep doing it.

The reason you get anxious is because you don't realise that you're in charge.

The basics of this are, if anybody except you thinks that's your role, and you stop doing it, they will ask you to start again. The other things that might happen are that someone else will step into the role, or nobody will, and nothing will get organised.

Which of those options are you anxious about? What do you fear will go wrong?

layladomino · 28/10/2021 17:11

I know it's really easy to say, but please try not to take this to heart.

There are different friendship 'styles' and maybe your style is different to theirs. My oldest friend and I probably message each other once a month and get together 4/5 times a year (at most). We don't live particularly close, but we could message a lot more. We both have a style of intermittent messaging / make a little bit of fuss for birthdays / make the best of it when we get together. I think the world of her, but if you analysed it from the outside you might assume we aren't good friends.

You made these friends, and you can make others. And you can remain friends with these people (without making so much effort) while you make friends with others.

If you want to see more of them than they can give, then maybe look at other ways to meet people and enjoy yourself - a hobby group or adult education class for example. Spread your social wings. You won't miss them so much, or expect as much from them.

FlowerArranger · 28/10/2021 17:22

Do you have other friends, @Jolene93 ? And why are you so anxious?

I think it would be better for you if let these people go. By all means keep in touch with the one who went to uni, but otherwise assume that this friendship isn't going anywhere.

Can you become more self-reliant, develop your own interests, learn to read people, become less fearful? Is counselling an option? Or at least read some books about developing self esteem?

GreyCarpet · 28/10/2021 17:51

Unfortunately, I agree with the others.

This sounds like the two men (you refer to them as 'guys') have been friends for years and have a true friendship.

You've been on the scene for a matter of weeks and they were happy to hang out with you initially and to go along with things you'd planned but it sounds like the novelty of a new person has worn off for them a little bit and they're just not interested.

That doesn't mean you've done anything wrong or that they are doing anything wrong - they are just getting on with their lives/friendship and they think of you less often than you think of them.

They're not your 'friends', they are people ypu know and they are not interested in developing this to a friendship.

It's the platonic equivalent of dating someone to see if you want to progress to a relationship.

Original poster
Jolene93 · 28/10/2021 18:29

Thanks all for your responses.
I’ve messaged saying I’m taking a break from my phone for a bit. Two of them responded, one didn’t

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 28/10/2021 18:33

What were you hoping they’d say to that? It’s very attentive seeking.

Have you got other friends?

Original poster
Jolene93 · 28/10/2021 18:36

@AnneLovesGilbert oh that wasn’t my intention 😭😭

OP posts: