Please be kind

[Jolene93]

As my thread title says, please be kind as I’m struggling with my mental health atm feeling very anxious.

I’m in a group of friends, there’s four of us in total. Been friends since June/July.
We’ve got a WhatsApp group and we’re all close but I’d say that due to dynamics of the group, I would be labelled the “planner” - I always message them first, I’m the main instigator of our chats and I’m always the one planning things to do.

One of them moved for uni, so there’s just me and two others but the uni-goer has stayed on our WhatsApp and me and said person regularly talk.

The other two are best friends and have known each other for years, I’ve only known them since middle of the year, as has other friend.

One of them has become withdrawn and says it’s nothing to do with me but he’s barely talking to me and when he does it’s very short and then stops responding, also in group chat he’s not messaging back.

Other guy I’m very close to but feels like something has changed between us too.

I don’t know if it’s my mind playing tricks on me as I’m feeling anxious already but these things have made me feel even more anxious.

What do I do?

Tbh, I also cringed when I read that because it sounds attention seeking.

What we're you hoping for? You're not really taking a break from your phone, are you? You're just stepping back from contacting them.

Why did you tell them?

I have condiments in my fridge older than this friendship group

Sounds like 2 of the group are men? Dynamics always change once people enter into relationships - maybe this is what has happened? New girlfriends don't particular like their boyfriends having a friendship group of women?

@Jolene93

Thanks all for your responses. I’ve messaged saying I’m taking a break from my phone for a bit. Two of them responded, one didn’t

You sound utterly batshit op! What on earth is going through your head? You’ve only just met these people, you are not part of any ‘group’ yet. These are not the group dynamics because you haven’t known each other long enough to have any dynamics. You’re coming across some annoying person who they’ve met briefly and now won’t leave them alone. I only meet up with my best friend every month or two, people have things going on in their lives. Why did you send that last message? That comes across as pure attention seeking, pathetically trying to poke them into a reaction.

Unnecessarily harsh message there @Winniemarysarah OP is clearly struggling.

OP are two of these people guys that you've posted about seeing before? Sorry if I've got the wrong end of the stick but if so then I really think you need to back off from both of them and try to start building up some new interests and friendships as this isn't working out.

Op are you the poster that also posted that you met these people through someone you dated a couple of times and the whole situation blew up, because the one you dates really felt you were intruding in his friendship group when you tracked them down through one of their Instagram stories?

[quote Jolene93]@AnneLovesGilbert oh that wasn’t my intention 😭😭[/quote]
Dear @Jolene93 - please invest in some counselling and read a few self-help books. Because if you don't learn how to read people and think about how others might interpret your efforts to connect, you'll continue to shoot yourself in the foot. Try The Six Pillars of self-Esteem (by Nathaniel Barden), or similar, for a start.

In the message I sent to the group, I just said that I had been feeling anxious lately and it was getting worse so I was taking a break from my phone. That’s all. It wasn’t attention seeking it’s me doing what’s best for my mental health. I’ve told other people too.

@asteroommatus no, that wasn’t me!

I'm sorry you are struggling OP.

Unfortunately, you can't expect these people to be so invested in you and your emotions because they don't know you very well. The fact that you have pegged yourself as the organiser straight away and put in all the effort seems to me to read like you think you have to prove your worth to them. That's not how a good friendship should be.

If they are not responding or showing interest in you then just leave them be. Whatsapp is great for surface level chat, but it's not really a way to strengthen a friendship.

I do think you are looking for something from them that they cannot or will not give you. It's best that you just reduce contact and find other people to be friends with. Maybe start a new hobby or something, and you can build a friendship over time.

I don't think they want to carry on the friendship OP, and that's ok, not all friendships will turn into something long term.

What you should do is leave this one well alone and think of some new hobbies or activities you'd like to try as that's a good way to meet new people

@Jolene93

In the message I sent to the group, I just said that I had been feeling anxious lately and it was getting worse so I was taking a break from my phone. That’s all. It wasn’t attention seeking it’s me doing what’s best for my mental health. I’ve told other people too.

@asteroommatus no, that wasn’t me!

I think that it comes across as more attention seeking with them than it might with actual friends and family because they are not your friends.

They aren't invested or, tbf, interested in your emotional wellbeing. They're a couple of blokes you've known for a few weeks.

That's how you need to think of them.

Ah I think that this is the same couple of blokes. They aren't enriching your life OP, they've caused you stress in a variety of ways already and you've been psychoanalysing them and using headspace on them when I don't think you're getting much in return. Maybe it's time to close this chapter and focus on yourself and work on meeting some new people?

@Jolene93

In the message I sent to the group, I just said that I had been feeling anxious lately and it was getting worse so I was taking a break from my phone. That’s all. It wasn’t attention seeking it’s me doing what’s best for my mental health. I’ve told other people too.

@asteroommatus no, that wasn’t me!

But, by telling them about your anxiety, you were engaging in the most attention seeking behaviour imaginable!!

Of course, 'taking a break from (your) phone' may be best for your mental health, but (a) telling them that this is what you were planning, and (b) telling them why, was inappropriate. This is the sort of thing you'd only divulge to VERY close friends, not casual aquaintances like these blokes.

I know I sound harsh, but you really have to learn the basics of how to relate to people and how to ascertain whether something you are contemplating is acceptable or appropriate.

Are you actually getting good help for your MH issues, i.e. counselling? I think this is really important because you are clearly all at sea

I completely agree with FlowerArranger.

Update: They both cut me off 🙃🤣 I actually feel relief in one sense, sadness in the other, but mostly peace. 🥰

I also feel like they’ve got all this power over me by doing so though. Does anyone have any ideas of how to take some of that power back? I just hate they did it first really, and probably laughing at me.

Just leave it now OP, you don’t need to take any power back. They were not your friendship group, they were people you had just met and the friendship did not develop.

You sound quite young OP and if that’s the case, asking a bunch of middle aged women for friends group advice isn’t going to get the responses you’re hoping for. What we old folk forget is that in your teens and early 20s friendships are often more important than family and the intensity with which you conduct friendships is far stronger quicker than in older adulthood when life takes over.

I guess by your name that you’re a woman and you’re looking for close friendships with guys but men and women do conduct friendships differently. They bond over different things despite people saying that’s not true, it’s certainly been an observation and experience of mine.

It’s pure conjecture but it sounds to me that you’re looking for that intense relationship from these people and you’re not getting it back. One of the best things I ever did when I was younger was make multiple friends groups so I didn’t have to rely on one group of people. Also let others take turns of planning. It’s not your ‘job’ it’s something you’ve decided to do. If they get used to you making all the effort then they won’t bother doing it themselves which is already having an effect on your esteem.