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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

This is the last chance then I'm moving on...

46 replies

LittleMo234 · 28/10/2021 12:55

I friend zoned my DP of 5 years in June because I needed time out. I haven't seen anyone else in the meantime, and we've stayed friends.
A month or so ago, I got feelings for him again and said I'm open to being more than friends, but he's never made a move so I'm guessing he's not keen.
I've asked him over for dinner this weekend so we can talk about it but am drawing the line here - if he doesn't make it clear that he wants to be with me then I'm calling it a day. I can't wait forever for him to want me again.
I've written in on here to remind myself of my resolution! I deserve someone who really wants to be with me, otherwise I'll be staying happily single.

OP posts:
FetchezLaVache · 28/10/2021 12:58

You're the one who dumped him, OP, I don't get the slightly belligerent tone of your post. Confused

AmDillDandin · 28/10/2021 12:59

Oof.

Mate, take the hint.

ElleGettingBetter · 28/10/2021 13:00

Maybe he feels like he deserves someone who really wants to be with him, and not someone who messes him around?

IslaPineappple · 28/10/2021 13:04

Good luck with that 😬

TheFoundations · 28/10/2021 13:06

If he wanted to be with you, he'd have leapt at the opportunity, so you'd already know.

Sounds like he doesn't want to be picked up/put down/picked up at your whim.

Can you blame him?

LittleBirdBlu · 28/10/2021 13:08

But you finished things with him.... Hmm

DelphiniumBlue · 28/10/2021 13:13

You "friend zoned" your DP of 5 years, but then "got feelings" again? What happened? Maybe you are trying to explain the situation in a long -story- short way, but it sounds as if you haven't worked this through. Why did you friend zone, him, what was wrong with the relationship? What has changed now?
It's not surprising if he is being wary of starting anything up with you again. Maybe you have examined this deeply, but it all sounds quite flippant on your part.

Original poster
LittleMo234 · 28/10/2021 13:14

You're all right - I finished with him, why should I expect him to bother with me again?
I kind of thought that because the friendship was still there he might still be interested.
I'm an idiot for ending it but they say everything happens for a reason so maybe I should just be on my own, it's easier that way...

OP posts:
Whatinthelord · 28/10/2021 13:18

Have you actually asked him directly.
“I’d like to be in a relationship with you again because after space I realise I do love you.. Is that something you’d want to pursue or do you want to stay just friends”.

Original poster
LittleMo234 · 28/10/2021 13:23

@Whatinthelord

Have you actually asked him directly. “I’d like to be in a relationship with you again because after space I realise I do love you.. Is that something you’d want to pursue or do you want to stay just friends”.
Yep - he was a bit shocked when I asked him so I said I'd give him time to think about it and let me know.

It's over isn't it? I've cocked it all up haven't I?

Onwards and upwards I guess...

OP posts:
OneRingToRuleThemAll · 28/10/2021 13:27

If I was him I wouldn't be rushing back to you. He will have had time to work on any pain you put him through and will be coming out the other side of that now.

And now you feel like a victim of his indecisiveness. You dumped him. He doesn't want to be played. Good for him.

Original poster
LittleMo234 · 28/10/2021 13:31

Blimey, you lot do like to kick a girl when she's down don't you?

I admitted I made a mistake and asked for another chance, hardly the crime of the century!

Anyway, I've accepted that it's probably over now and it's all my fault, not quite sure what you're hoping to achieve by being mean...

OP posts:
1forAll74 · 28/10/2021 13:34

It's a bit much,when you pushed him away initially, and now have a changed mind. I don't think he will have much trust in your nutty fanciful ways. He may need someone who is more stable minded.

Whatinthelord · 28/10/2021 13:55

I mean if you’ve asked him that directly and he hasn’t come back then I think you have your answer.

I think maybe it’s time to cut ties and move on properly. Maybe no relationship is better than a friendship in this circumstance.

Are you sure you even do want a relationship with him again. It’s not fear of being alone or fear of not being able to meet anyone else?

LUCCCY · 28/10/2021 13:57

🍿

Frazzledmummy123 · 28/10/2021 14:04

Talk to him and be as open with him as you can about why you friend zoned him and what led you to do it. He will be very confused and wary in case the same thing happens again. 5 months is quite a long time when getting through a split so he will have made some small steps and progress going on the assumption the split was permanent. To reverse this if he wants to trying again will be a risk for him as he won't want to set himself back to square one again.

Before you talk to him, it might be helpful to consider your reasons for ending it as you felt that way at the time. Do these reasons definitely no longer factor? Having feelings alone might be confusion on your part, or a reaction of fear now you have seen life on your own without him?

If you are 100% sure it is what you want to try again then talk to him, tell him you aren't messing around and let him try to understand your motivations. Maybe even just ask him to meet and talk. Asking him to dinner might not be most effective in getting him to agree to meet as he doesn't know what you are going to say.

Original poster
LittleMo234 · 28/10/2021 14:04

Are you sure you even do want a relationship with him again. It’s not fear of being alone or fear of not being able to meet anyone else?

I don't want anyone else, I know that. It's either him or being single.

OP posts:
Frazzledmummy123 · 28/10/2021 14:10

@LittleMo234

Are you sure you even do want a relationship with him again. It’s not fear of being alone or fear of not being able to meet anyone else?

I don't want anyone else, I know that. It's either him or being single.

Tell him this - in these exact words.
TopCatsTopHat · 28/10/2021 14:14

@LittleMo234

Blimey, you lot do like to kick a girl when she's down don't you?

I admitted I made a mistake and asked for another chance, hardly the crime of the century!

Anyway, I've accepted that it's probably over now and it's all my fault, not quite sure what you're hoping to achieve by being mean...

The way you wrote about your situation with him creates quite an impression of someone who was seeing things very much through their own eyes only and was irritated that the other person might have feelings of their own. If you put things across that way you can't be surprised when people get that picture. If you want people to be more sympathetic you would need to communicate your situation with more of a rounded impression of your attitude and choices and his part in it. One dimensional op is always going to provoke a one dimensional reply isn't it.
dworky · 28/10/2021 14:16

@LittleMo234

You're all right - I finished with him, why should I expect him to bother with me again? I kind of thought that because the friendship was still there he might still be interested. I'm an idiot for ending it but they say everything happens for a reason so maybe I should just be on my own, it's easier that way...
You didn't do anything wrong OP, you were honest & didn't string him along. I think your relationship is probably over, regardless of his interest in you because whatever it was that led you to feel unsatisfied is still going to be there. Nothing has changed & soon after getting back together, you would experience the same feelings.
TheFoundations · 28/10/2021 14:25

It's not kicking you when you're down, it's just that

I can't wait forever for him to want me again sounds a bit entitled. You're not supposed to be waiting for him to do anything. You dumped him. You make it sound like you think he's not pulling his finger out.

Embroidery · 28/10/2021 14:36

Did you make it clear to him that you fancied him. Not just wanted random sex to satisfy an itch?

I think you'd have a chance if you seduced him but you have to put your dignity on the line to do that. Better option to try than just leaving forever.
I think in the circ described he deserves at least a bit of effort.
Candlelight dinner at home, home cooked or at least M&S dine in for two ready meals and wine. Little black dress over lingerie. Smile and be nice. Its easily done, men aren't difficult to seduce !

thenewduchessofhastings · 28/10/2021 14:41

Have you make it clear to him you want to try again eg actually said the words "we've had some time apart as friends and I've realised I still want to be in a relationship with you and would like to try to get things back on track"?

Original poster
LittleMo234 · 28/10/2021 17:15

He's just told me he won't be round on Saturday so that's that isn't it.

He knows I want to try again. Thinking about it, the main reason I paused 'us' was because I felt we were just going through the motions of being in a relationship and that he was just going along with what I wanted to be nice / not have to end things himself. He is quite socially awkward. So maybe he was actually relieved when I ended it!

I've had a little cry and am just going to have to get used to the fact that it's really over...

OP posts:
JustJustWhy · 28/10/2021 17:29

In all honestly (and I say this gently) it doesn't sound like you're head over heels in love with him. Have a cry and move on...I'm sure you will. You know when you want to be with someone, you really do. Anything less is just not worth it.