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Original poster

Deeply Insecure or has anyone felt like this (sex)

32 replies

Ladyraven0483 · 28/10/2021 12:11

Me and my oh have a good relationship have a child together, only problem is lack of sex due to tiredness being new parents work. He never comes onto me unless he’s drunk or he will do it sober but bit rare. Last few weeks we’ve been watching a series together where the female lead is stunning ( known celeb and known for her beauty and figure) she looks really sexy in this programme and ever since we’ve been watching it my oh what’s come onto me a few times. I feel like it’s just because he’s looking at her that’s put him in the mood and it’s made me feel utter shit about myself. Btw have bo problem with him finding others attractive it’s natural, I just don’t want to be sort of “used” while he’s only coming on to me or having sex with me thinking about her. Am I being completely paranoid? Or has anyone else experienced this? ( he does find her attractive as said several years ago how nice looking she was so that bit is not in my head) ty

OP posts:
curiousfrogs · 28/10/2021 12:17

Can you talk to him about how this makes you feel? I think it's normal to be insecure over sex but due to the fact he hasn't come on to you in a while and now it's frequent it's bound to mess with your head a little bit. He might be able to ease your mind a bit with your insecurities. If the lack of sex was an issue I think you are probably due a chat anyway.

lynntheyresexpeople · 28/10/2021 12:23

Agree with pp, you need to have a chat about the lack of sex. I don't think the show is the issue here.

Original poster
Ladyraven0483 · 28/10/2021 12:28

Spoke to him before about it he said it’s just a confidence thing for him, if I come onto him he rarely says no so think he likes me being the one taking control.

OP posts:
Anothernick · 28/10/2021 14:33

As a man I can tell you that it's normal to be stimulated by sexual imagery and if you are stimulated you will come on to your DP. Nothing unusual about that, it a natural reaction. But being new parents can play havoc with your sex life, you need to discuss how to keep things on track. FWIW my DW and I agreed we should try not to go more than a week without. Which created the expectation that we would not refuse unless there was a really good reason, and when you think about it there rarely is a really good reason.

Bookworm20 · 28/10/2021 21:35

I can understand why that feels a bit shit, especially with a new baby and feeling tired and just different to your usual pre baby self. It’s a huge change in such a short period of time.
But please try not to feel shit about yourself. Does the programme also contain loving/sexy themes? Perhaps it’s just that which is putting him more in the mood so to speak and not the actual celebrity.

TheFoundations · 29/10/2021 12:30

I think the concern here is that you can't talk to him about it and get an answer that makes you feel better. Does he actually understand how you feel?

If you're not understanding each other's feelings, sex is unlikely to feel intimate, regardless of this particular issue.

Naunet · 29/10/2021 13:03

@Anothernick

As a man I can tell you that it's normal to be stimulated by sexual imagery and if you are stimulated you will come on to your DP. Nothing unusual about that, it a natural reaction. But being new parents can play havoc with your sex life, you need to discuss how to keep things on track. FWIW my DW and I agreed we should try not to go more than a week without. Which created the expectation that we would not refuse unless there was a really good reason, and when you think about it there rarely is a really good reason.
And as a woman I can tell you that we’re not duty bound to happily let men use our bodies as a wank hole no matter how “stimulated” they are by imagery.
TheFoundations · 29/10/2021 13:08

@Anothernick

As a man I can tell you that it's normal to be stimulated by sexual imagery and if you are stimulated you will come on to your DP. Nothing unusual about that, it a natural reaction. But being new parents can play havoc with your sex life, you need to discuss how to keep things on track. FWIW my DW and I agreed we should try not to go more than a week without. Which created the expectation that we would not refuse unless there was a really good reason, and when you think about it there rarely is a really good reason.
Wow. So basically you're saying that OP should put up with her husband getting turned on by images of other women, and then coming to her for relief.

Great.

Got it.

You're so wise.

Eleganz · 29/10/2021 14:18

@Naunet @TheFoundations

Whereas it is totally okay for women to use erotic literature to do the same thing I suppose?

I think you are both deliberately interpreting what was written to be as negative as possible and not really relating to the issue the OP actually has.

QuentinBunbury · 29/10/2021 14:20

FWIW my DW and I agreed we should try not to go more than a week without. Which created the expectation that we would not refuse unless there was a really good reason, and when you think about it there rarely is a really good reason.
🤮

TheFoundations · 29/10/2021 14:25

[quote Eleganz]**@Naunet* @TheFoundations*

Whereas it is totally okay for women to use erotic literature to do the same thing I suppose?

I think you are both deliberately interpreting what was written to be as negative as possible and not really relating to the issue the OP actually has.[/quote]
Don't put words in people's mouths.

OP's issue is that she feels her partner is looking at another woman and then using her to relieve that excitement. My comment related directly to OP and the situation she's in, and made no comment about erotic literature, what women should do, or what men should do.

You are the one generalising and your comment is not relevant to the OP.

Naunet · 30/10/2021 08:13

[quote Eleganz]**@Naunet* @TheFoundations*

Whereas it is totally okay for women to use erotic literature to do the same thing I suppose?

I think you are both deliberately interpreting what was written to be as negative as possible and not really relating to the issue the OP actually has.[/quote]
WTF does reading a book have to do with using a woman’s body as a wanking aid to get off to another woman? Oooh, is it because you see both books and women as objects?

GirlWithAGuitar · 30/10/2021 08:17

Please don’t listen to Anothernick. Ffs, what have I just read. 🤮

DivorcedAndDelighted · 30/10/2021 08:45

If you want to connect with your partner more, and want more sex, then I think it's unhelpful to be judging the fact that he's turned on by the show. Take it as a positive that you know the show helps to get him in the mood. I'd say he was using the actress to help get him ready for you and for your relationship. Maybe plan around this and see what might get you in the mood at the same time?
You'll find plenty of threads on this board about sexless marriages or ones where things never quite recovered after kids. It's a lot easier to avoid losing your sex life n it is to fix it once it's already died. If this show helps, grab the opportunity with both hands, keep connecting, and work on making the sex good for you. This show is an asset for both of you, not a threat.

DivorcedAndDelighted · 30/10/2021 08:52

@Anothernick

As a man I can tell you that it's normal to be stimulated by sexual imagery and if you are stimulated you will come on to your DP. Nothing unusual about that, it a natural reaction. But being new parents can play havoc with your sex life, you need to discuss how to keep things on track. FWIW my DW and I agreed we should try not to go more than a week without. Which created the expectation that we would not refuse unless there was a really good reason, and when you think about it there rarely is a really good reason.
Sounds perfectly sensible to me. I would be really happy to be with someone with a positive and practical attitude like this.

There's a good article on avoiding a sexless relationship where the therapist talks about the importance of avoiding the slippery slope to a sexless relationship, and prioritising that connection. The podcast goes into more detail than the article and I found it helpful.

Naunet · 30/10/2021 09:00

@DivorcedAndDelighted

If you want to connect with your partner more, and want more sex, then I think it's unhelpful to be judging the fact that he's turned on by the show. Take it as a positive that you know the show helps to get him in the mood. I'd say he was using the actress to help get him ready for you and for your relationship. Maybe plan around this and see what might get you in the mood at the same time? You'll find plenty of threads on this board about sexless marriages or ones where things never quite recovered after kids. It's a lot easier to avoid losing your sex life n it is to fix it once it's already died. If this show helps, grab the opportunity with both hands, keep connecting, and work on making the sex good for you. This show is an asset for both of you, not a threat.
Ahh yes, nothing helps a sex life more, than the woman being made to feel like a wank sock.
DivorcedAndDelighted · 30/10/2021 09:00

I wonder if you might find this article about understanding your sexual response cycle helpful re getting in the mood, and maybe not worrying so much about what's getting him in the mood but concentrating on making things good for you. Plus maybe watch an episode of Outlander yourself Wink

DivorcedAndDelighted · 30/10/2021 09:03

Your mileage may vary @Naunet, but I fantasise about various things myself during sex, and don't expect men to be different. Personally I don't want to let "perfect" get in the way of "better".

Naunet · 30/10/2021 09:04

@DivorcedAndDelighted

Your mileage may vary *@Naunet*, but I fantasise about various things myself during sex, and don't expect men to be different. Personally I don't want to let "perfect" get in the way of "better".
It’s telling that you can’t see the difference between fantasies, and making the other person feel used.
Naunet · 30/10/2021 09:06

@DivorcedAndDelighted

I wonder if you might find this article about understanding your sexual response cycle helpful re getting in the mood, and maybe not worrying so much about what's getting him in the mood but concentrating on making things good for you. Plus maybe watch an episode of Outlander yourself Wink
From your article:

This discreet newsletter will teach you how to make him cum hard, give freaky oral sex & make him scream your name in bed

Because good sex is all about women performing for male pleasure.

chocolateorangeinhaler · 30/10/2021 09:10

Wow didn't take long to turn into a man bashing thread.

He doesn't want sex with the OP that's the problem he isn't looking at other women then using the OP for sex. He's using imagery and fantasy to get turned in to give the OP the sex she wants.

I don't get the outrage. She wants sex and this is how he can provide what she wants. She can't control what turns him on tho and being outraged at him looking or thinking of another woman? Grow up for gods sake. There isn't a person on this earth who can say they always think of their significant other when they reach the big O. If you say that's not true your deluded.

Naunet · 30/10/2021 09:14

@chocolateorangeinhaler

Wow didn't take long to turn into a man bashing thread.

He doesn't want sex with the OP that's the problem he isn't looking at other women then using the OP for sex. He's using imagery and fantasy to get turned in to give the OP the sex she wants.

I don't get the outrage. She wants sex and this is how he can provide what she wants. She can't control what turns him on tho and being outraged at him looking or thinking of another woman? Grow up for gods sake. There isn't a person on this earth who can say they always think of their significant other when they reach the big O. If you say that's not true your deluded.

Man bashing?! 🤣

He doesn't want sex with the OP that's the problem

And you think the solution to that is for him to lust after sex with other women, and then use OPs body to ejaculate into, because that somehow, would be a helpful thing for their relationship?

furbabymama87 · 30/10/2021 09:14

I fancy a celebrity. If I'm looking at them or watching something with them in I can get horny which leads to sex with my DH, but I can separate the reality from the fantasy and when I'm having sex with my husband I'm only thinking of him and not the celebrity.

Schmoozer · 30/10/2021 09:16

@Anothernick we agreed ??????
🤔

DivorcedAndDelighted · 30/10/2021 09:22

Fair enough @Naunet, that site does have some cringeworthy headlines Blush But the article I linked to is worth a read - it's focused on women and women's pleasure.

It’s telling that you can’t see the difference between fantasies, and making the other person feel used.

I think the contentious phrase here is making the other person feel used. It seems to me that this is quite subjective, and is about how the OP interprets it rather than what her OH is doing. If he were to be comparing her to the actress, telling her that he's fantasising about the actress etc, I can see how that might be "making her feel used". But if I've understood correctly, he's just turned on after this TV programme. Would it be better for him to pretend he's not turned on, and to never come on to his partner when he's been aroused by anything other than thinking of her? I just don't think that's realistic.