Deeply Insecure or has anyone felt like this (sex)

[Ladyraven0483]

Me and my oh have a good relationship have a child together, only problem is lack of sex due to tiredness being new parents work. He never comes onto me unless he’s drunk or he will do it sober but bit rare. Last few weeks we’ve been watching a series together where the female lead is stunning ( known celeb and known for her beauty and figure) she looks really sexy in this programme and ever since we’ve been watching it my oh what’s come onto me a few times. I feel like it’s just because he’s looking at her that’s put him in the mood and it’s made me feel utter shit about myself. Btw have bo problem with him finding others attractive it’s natural, I just don’t want to be sort of “used” while he’s only coming on to me or having sex with me thinking about her. Am I being completely paranoid? Or has anyone else experienced this? ( he does find her attractive as said several years ago how nice looking she was so that bit is not in my head) ty

@Ladyraven0483

Spoke to him before about it he said it’s just a confidence thing for him, if I come onto him he rarely says no so think he likes me being the one taking control.

This sounds really positive. Do you think it would help if you pre-empted the situation by coming onto him more when you fancy it? Or is it that you'd prefer him to come onto you more at other times, not just after this programme?

Is that you are sat down enjoying each other's company? I think it's fine to fancy other people. My husband and i are quite open about who we fancy. It can be hard after you've had a baby to feel sexy and desire because your body has gone through a huge change. You need to tell your partner this.

@DivorcedAndDelighted

Fair enough *@Naunet*, that site does have some cringeworthy headlines But the article I linked to is worth a read - it's focused on women and women's pleasure.

It’s telling that you can’t see the difference between fantasies, and making the other person feel used.

I think the contentious phrase here is making the other person feel used. It seems to me that this is quite subjective, and is about how the OP interprets it rather than what her OH is doing. If he were to be comparing her to the actress, telling her that he's fantasising about the actress etc, I can see how that might be "making her feel used". But if I've understood correctly, he's just turned on after this TV programme. Would it be better for him to pretend he's not turned on, and to never come on to his partner when he's been aroused by anything other than thinking of her? I just don't think that's realistic.

When that’s the only time he wants sex, other than when he’s drunk, how is it meant to make OP feel? This is not a case of sometimes secretly having a fantasy over a celebrity, it’s not harmless here, it’s hurting OP.

@Anothernick

As a man I can tell you that it's normal to be stimulated by sexual imagery and if you are stimulated you will come on to your DP. Nothing unusual about that, it a natural reaction. But being new parents can play havoc with your sex life, you need to discuss how to keep things on track. FWIW my DW and I agreed we should try not to go more than a week without. Which created the expectation that we would not refuse unless there was a really good reason, and when you think about it there rarely is a really good reason.

As a woman I’d ask how is this different to … as a man I can tell you it’s normal to be stimulated by other women then you will come on to your DP This is one of my major issues with a lot of porn too . Seems men like to use other women’s images to get in the mood and then whoever’s available to satisfy that urge Not saying your oh is doing that OP but I certainly have felt like this too and get where you’re coming from Can you perhaps try some other form of stimulating imagery perhaps something sexual but where the people are more everyday , or even words and see if that has the same affect. Perhaps that would help put your mind at ease

I understand it’s unrealistic to think he’ll always think of me I’ll never know what’s going on inside his mind and tbh wouldn’t want to lol. I do watch porn myself and it gets me in the mood and I don’t mind if he watches it too I just don’t want to feel like he only wants me from looking at this other gorgeous woman, I asked him why he doesn’t come onto me when I look nice, if I make an effort he doesn’t seem to want to have sex then so it just made me feel really shit he only wanted me after watching this programme. It sounds so pathetic, and the poster who said it’s hard after having a baby, it really is my body has changed and I don’t feel like I look great in anything right now. I’m going to make an effort tonight do my hair and makeup and try to feel good about myself and see if that helps. I think the lack of sex on my part is because I don’t feel in the mood because I also lack confidence now and thankyou for all your replies

OP Have you thought he might be watching too much porn?

Is the show a bit sexy in general? Maybe it’s just putting him in the mood rather than him thinking about the main actress or anything like that?