Unsure what to do

[sandybeach93]

Feeling torn between my feelings and facts.. I have written about my husband on a previous post and it made me realise how much he still controls me, I have almost split up with him because of it and he changed for a little bit then things are just the same everyday doing nothing but sitting on the sofa watching shit on tv if he's not gaming on Xbox it's on his phone so we're often sat in silence and it is really getting me down again, we have been going 6-7 weeks without having sex too and when we do finally do it it's over too fast, I won't be allowed to get toys or sort myself out yet he's not prepared to up his game...I was feeling really lovely in 2020 at the start of the year and I ended up talking with a work colleague who I then had a spark/connection we didn't actually do anything about it but my husband found out, I ended up having to leave work and haven't been back to work since because he wants me at home all the time so it won't happen again I now feel like I have no choice but I hate being at home my 3 kids are at school so I have no reason to not work it is driving me insane. I feel like I can't gain control back of my life
I want to loose weight because I've been comfort eating for the past year and put on so much weight and since I've tried loosing weight he hasn't supported it he'd rather me just sit about and eat over sized portions buying junk food all the time.
Sorry for the long post

You are allowed to 'sort yourself out'; you are allowed to get a job and you are allowed to leave.

It doesn't matter what he thinks. You're an autonomous person who has the right to do those things just like he or anyone else does.

He seems happy staying at home not working or doing anything because he has depression and anxiety so he don't have to work but he wants me to be okay doing that too 😔 usually my mental health is okay but I feel the life draining out of me atm I don't speak to anyone or see anyone other than him and my parents, I don't go out anywhere or do anything alone and it is just getting too much

You need to get back to work and make a plan to leave

You are allowing your husband to control and ruin your life. Why?

I don't know why or how to change it... we have the conversation quite a few times and it just goes back but I don't feel strong enough to leave I'm stuck in his home town away from my family and I don't think his family will allow it to just come to an end because they know I was likely to be the only person who will be with him and his problems, when he got dropped off to move in with me his parents "joked" about him not coming back and that's something he continually mentions when we have almost separated before.. has no where to go has no reason to live even though he has a son I feel like I can't leave incase he does something stupid and selfish because he has suggested suicide if he was without me

What Aquamarine says. Why are you allowing him to control your life. GET A JOB and make plans to leave him, or chuck him out!

He's not your responsibility OP. We're all responsible for ourselves. He's guilt tripping you.

PPs asking why she allows him to control her, speaking from experience, pushing back and making positive changes feels like a monumental uphill struggle, plus fear of the fallout from the OH, that a lot of the time it feels easier to keep the status quo as is and manage as best you can, as you are.

OP it was tough, but I got out, and I'm infinitely happier for it. I'm in control of my life now, and my only regret is stalling so long

The suicide threats are to make you feel guilty. I highly doubt he means them. My ex used to say the same. Guess what, he's still alive. He just wanted me to feel shit

I have written this letter to my husband about separation can I have peoples opinions please?

Dear H, I know this will be difficult to read as it has been difficult to write too, as you know I haven’t felt happy for a while now, even before the wedding I wasn’t sure it was what I wanted I was just too afraid to be honest with myself and you. You aren’t stupid you know that’s how I felt before the wedding and you know it’s how I feel now too, I keep trying so hard to push those feelings and thoughts aside to keep the marriage going which of course I want to do because I do love you and the kids love you but I just don’t think it is enough anymore it is causing to much unhappiness staying and, I don’t want to just give up trying because I need to know we’re not loosing something that could be amazing but I need you to know that since every time we’ve spoken about these things you have said about leaving and it has made me feel like that’s what needs to happen for me to feel better as the marriage is emotionally draining and becoming more difficult to be happy and no relationship should cost you or me our happiness. Since our last conversation I’ve been really trying to be close and show emotions but it doesn’t feel natural it feels forced, Over the past few days I’ve been trying really hard to not let those feelings affect me which has helped in the moment but it’s still there and I can’t just change how I feel because I don’t want us to finish. When I’ve been getting intimate with you it has of course felt good at the time but it doesn’t last because it is forced I don’t really want to do anything because I’m just not here emotionally anymore. I sit and think about the relationship as a whole and it has been more difficult than happiness from the start everything moved so fast, I was in a vulnerable place back then as were you, I don’t regret us being together but I felt a sense of responsibility for you since you made it very clear that you had nothing to live for without me and I still am vulnerable now because I never healed from what he did to me and I feel like all this emotional trauma is going to damage my mental health in the long run, I don’t want to lead you on to think everything is okay I just need to be honest with you and it’s so difficult for me to speak because I don’t know where to start. I know this will be a lot to process because it is for me too especially when it feels inevitable to separate but I think we both deserve to be happy even it won’t be for a while weather it’s together or separately we both should have the chance to feel normal and not have more damage caused to our mental health. Obviously I love you otherwise it would be easy to just say it’s over but part of me wants to still work I just don’t want to suffer anymore and I don’t know what is best for us.

Should I wait until after Christmas or do as soon as I have a safety plan with woman's aid?

If you’ve had this conversation multiple times and you still feel this bad about the situation, then leave. I know it’s difficult, but you deserve so much more than to be trapped in relationship that is making you this unhappy.

He will see that as a 'list' of points he can negotiate with you and coerce into dropping as 'reasons to leave'

You need to remove all of the ' I want to be happy with you but' and 'I don't want to do this' sentiments

It's giving false hope and making a rod for your own back.

Why wait and have a miserable christmas?

I spoke to a worker on the woman's aid live chat and she said it may risk him being able to sabotage my plan to end the relationship I am having to wait till Monday to speak to someone properly

@PleaseGoDontGoAgain

He will see that as a 'list' of points he can negotiate with you and coerce into dropping as 'reasons to leave'

You need to remove all of the ' I want to be happy with you but' and 'I don't want to do this' sentiments

It's giving false hope and making a rod for your own back.

Thank you i really appreciate any help I don't want him to think it is going to work it is done for good

@PleaseGoDontGoAgain

Why wait and have a miserable christmas?

I didn't think about it like that as I haven't had chance to have a good Christmas since 2012 never really been happy in all honesty

Maybe this year can be the first to actually be good

I scan that letter and I see "I don't want us to finish" and "I just don't want to give up".... uh?

Words are empty. You need action.

Does this sound better?

Dear H, I know this will be difficult to read as it has been difficult to write too, as you know I haven’t felt happy for about 2 years now, even before the wedding I wasn’t sure it was what I wanted I was just too afraid to be honest with myself and you. You aren’t stupid you know that’s how I felt before the wedding and you know it’s how I feel now too, I keep trying so hard to push those feelings and thoughts aside to keep the marriage going but I just don’t think it is enough anymore it is causing to much unhappiness staying and,I need you to know that since every time we’ve spoken about these things you have said about leaving and it has made me feel like that’s what needs to happen for me to feel better as the marriage is emotionally draining and becoming more difficult to be happy and no relationship should cost you or me our happiness. Since our last conversation I’ve been really trying to be close and show emotions but it doesn’t feel natural it feels forced, Over the past few days I’ve been trying really hard to not let those feelings affect me which has helped in the moment but it’s still there and I can’t just change how I feel. When I’ve been getting intimate with you it has of course felt good at the time but it doesn’t last because it is forced I don’t really want to do anything because I’m just not here emotionally anymore. I sit and think about the relationship as a whole and it has been more difficult than happiness from the start everything moved so fast, I was in a vulnerable place back then as were you, I still am vulnerable now because I never healed from what he did to me and I feel like all this emotional trauma is going to damage my mental health in the long run and I’m not prepared to continue this way I don’t want to lead you on to think everything is okay I just need to be honest with you and it’s so difficult for me to speak because I don’t know where to start which is why I have written this.. I know this will be a lot to process because it is for me too especially when it feels inevitable to separate but I think we both deserve to be happy even it won’t be straight after we both should have the chance to feel normal and not have more damage caused to our mental health. Obviously I love you otherwise it would be easy to just say it’s over but I just don’t want to suffer anymore and I know this is best for us

How about writing 'you treat me like crap and i no longer want to be with you '.

I know he's been a a hole but I don't want to be horrible I care to much about people and even if he deserves it I don't want to be to blunt as previously he's made suicide threat

He knows that you care too much about people, even him, so he uses that facet of your personality to beat you about the head with. He just wants to make you feel even more shit.

As for him previously making a suicide threat, well abusers often say that to further control their target, in this case you. Its all a part of what abusive men say and do to control their target. He is still very much alive isn't he?.

Do not send him that letter; its way too long and is almost apologetic in tone. In any case he would certainly use that against you. If anyone writes a letter here let it be one from a Solicitor re your divorce.

He has not cared at all about being so horrible to you (and in turn any children involved here) either so he does not deserve any such consideration from you.

And do not wait until after Christmas either. Apart from anything else it will just give him more time and opportunity to further abuse you and otherwise mess with your head.

January is also the busiest month for Solicitors mainly because of some people's innate desire to have a "nice family Christmas". Do not do that to yourself.