Freeloading

[Lollipoppit]

That's what it feels like at the moment!!
My partner and I started living together about a year ago, he was unemployed so was patchy with what money he could give, although we did have a big talk about it and he understood I needed a contribution.
I haven't asked for anything since July as he had some unexpected expenses but he started working a month ago and I've received nothing still.
I know he bought me an engagement ring with his first wage, I don't want to sound ungrateful but I feel like I've paid for it myself by this point anyway.

My question is, we both have 2 kids. Mine live with me and he has his overnight once a week. How much is fair to expect?
The normal response is to half bills etc but is that fair when there's 2 of my kids involved full time?

You sound like such a sweet and caring person. I really mean it. Just from this I can tell how giving you are.

The engagement ring is meant to be a gift it shouldn’t be paid for by you (this is my opinion.. had some faux feminist try to say my views aren’t legit.. so take my viewpoint as you will) it really should be an offering and symbol of his love. Honestly, it looses its pizazz if you’re paying for it. There is a whole history of why this is.

I think anyone on here would say he needs to pay at least half. Anything less and you are complicit in cheating your own children out of money that could be (and should be) used for them.

Also if you are doing well all the domestic work then he should pay more than half. Value yourself and your work. Lord knows men do.

You wouldn’t feel right having him pay for you, he shouldn’t feel right either. I’m serious.

Don’t be that woman who lets a man take advantage of her resources that could be better spent on her own children.

Doesn’t matter what he has going on, you have things as well. You have children who will need things and should have them. You don’t make excuses and he shouldn’t either.

Any other argument is just a cope.

Yes I said it.

I haven't asked for anything since July

What does he think he's living on then? Does he need to be asked to pay the bills? How does he imagine they're getting paid?

OP...this is weird and you know it is. Two adults don't live together without discussing outgoings.

Half of all bills. That's what he should pay. He's chosen to live with you...you're a parent, you're part of a bundle.

Youre not asking him to pay for the kids' shoes.

HE should have brought it up since he's been living on your generosity. HE should have said "Thank God I can pay my way now!"

@FortunesFave is correct

Plus! You are a package with your children. I hope you know that. He has his responsibilities that he needs to care for. It is not your job to care for his obligations over your own children’s needs.

You have your job and he has his. If you weren’t together he’d have to pay for his own as you do.

You’ve helped him. Now he needs to provide as you have. I feel he is a taker, I hope eh is just dense and needs a wake up call.

I wouldn't marry the guy - he'll then have a legal claim on your resources on top of already ripping the piss.

I don't really understand why you've let a man who wasn't working move in with you and the dc. And now he has a job, he isn't contributing?

While you're supporting a full grown adult man, that was money could have gone to you and your kids.

How long were you together when he moved in. could you tell him to move out but you could still date. That way he pays his own rent and bills.

Put all your bills and paperwork on a table with a calculator. Take a deep breath and start talking. Something, anything to get the talk started.
"If you are going to live here, you need to pay £xxx every payday."
"Since you moved in my bills have doubled."
"This isn't working for me and my dc, you need to move out or pay your way."
"I am not paying for you to live with me anymore."
"I told you that you couldn't live here for free."

You mention you have had a talk before. He is expecting this. Paying his way is not some new or unusual request. He is not a teenager just suddenly realising there are bills to pay in life. I would start with one third of bills plus what you lost on council tax.
Don't say 'sorry', have the figures at the ready, be firm.
Deep breath and keep going.

Christ my ex was like this. I thought it would change when we got a house together.

We moved in, and he paid half the rent then didn't have any money for the first months bills. He seemed surprised that I even asked for his contribution towards the bills, like council tax didn't exist or anything.

I gave him a chance as he'd never rented himself before. The month after he didn't have any money still, but he was happy to pay for a take away and beers for himself. He was doing a show at the time and was a treat for his hard work so when I brought it up it was my fault for spoiling his night. The month after that he paid half bills but refused to get the weekly shop which we had agreed to do weekly turns financing (or delayed it So far I had no choice but to go and get food myself a few weeks later). The first time he managed to get a shop in, he'd only bought food for himself. Christmas he short changed me the bill money after it was late for a few days and I had to remind him, then I had to fork out for everyone's Christmas including his own family because he'd spent his wage on himself including two aftershaves and a pair of shoes.

Fucking twat.

I had months of it OP. I'm still paying a loan (3 years later) for a huge tax bill I got penalised on because I couldn't afford to pay it anything after he left I didn't have any savings to back me up. Don't be me. Please don't be me.

You haven't described your living situation whether you are renting or whatever but I'd suggest you but all the household bills in his name only so he will have no choice but to cough up and you won't be left with it all to deal with when you decide to leave.

The fact that you are already referring to him as a free loader means you probably know what you have to do.

And for goodness sake don't marry him. If he isn't looking for a cushy life with you picking up the bills, he needs to prove it.

There's another thread about this kind of thing, but this situation is worse.

Like most things in life / relationships. You can't blame him or be angry with him. Yes he should willingly contribute but ask yourself why you are not asking him about it. You are angry at yourself and you only have yourself to blame.

Looks like you could carry on without him, so he has to contribute or leave. Why do you want this freeloader around?

Who does the chores, the cooking etc?

I know he bought me an engagement ring with his first wage

The cynic in me says he probably saw it as an investment

I'm afraid some of the responsibility's yours for not having mentioned this since July, but it's not too late to have a proper conversation and make things very clear - unless you want a marriage where you're expected to pay for everything, including 2 kids who aren't yours?

Does he pay towards his food and for his child's food when they stay over? If he is working now he should pay half of all bills - an engagement ring is not a get out clause of everyday life and living costs

Make sure you don't give back the ring if you split!

I think parasite is a more appropriate term tbh.
And one with designs on your house by the sounds of it.

Have him move out. And tell him he owes you the equivalent of a third of the rent and bills for the months he missed and can pay you in instalments. I say a third because I think 1/3 you, 1/3 him and 1/3 your kids.

Kick him out and sell the fucking ring.

What's fair depends on how much he earns. Divide bills proportionately based on your incomes.

You've very generously provided for him ever since he moved in (I'd never let someone move in in the first place if they couldn't afford to contribute). But now he obviously needs to pay his share. If the house has bedrooms for his kids then yes it should be half, bit less otherwise. No idea why people think he should be paying more than half just because he's a man.

But you're at where you're at, so you should probably let the first month now. Yes he's spent it on the ring, but I also don't get people saying you've paid for it. Because for any couple who are living together, an expense like that is ultimately coming out of the joint household income. However, what sort of relationship is it where you can't discuss household finances openly and frankly?

Don’t get married to this man! He’s then got a legal claim to half of everything you own. Your house! He could then decide to leave you and then what happens? You have to sell your house! No! He has nothing and you’re supporting him. Why would you put your kids home at risk.

He couldn't pay his way but bought an engagement ring with his first wage? As PP said he's making an investment in keeping you sweet so he can continue freeloading. Why would you be ungrateful to be unhappy about that? It suggests he's utterly financially irresponsible, engagement rings should not come before paying for food and bills.

You said you had a talk and he understood he needed to pay his way, he's an adult, so he should and it would have bothered me that a conversation was needed to establish that was the expectation.

He will bleed you dry if you marry him.

As PP's said, get all your bills together on the table and a calculator.

Also count in the 'extra' you had to pay for him when he wasn't working (did he get any benefits like JSA ? If so, then that should have gone to you for bills and food )

Calculate your monthly expenditure (plus the extra needed for winter fuel costs etc).

Add up your income (but do not count Child Benefit etc as that money is for your kids only).

Then calculate what he needs to pay and when (weekly/monthly depending on when he's paid). Now you need to add to this amount whatever you think is a 'reasonable' amount for him to begin to repay the 'arrears' he's owe you, because he's paid bugger all for months, and although you were happy to help him, there's no reason any normal person wouldn't want to pay you back, is there ? .

If he says crap like ''I'll save that money so we can have a holiday'' or ''If I have to repay all that, I won't have any wages left !'' Calmly tell him 'Actions speak louder than words, and I expect you to pay your share. I had extra to spend out on you and your DC when you were not working, and I did so, even though it meant that my DC and I had to do without things that extra money would have provided. Now that you are working, you need to pay me back what I've had to spend on you. My DC and I do not deserve to lose out financially because we helped you. If you're not willing to do that, then you need to leave.''

JULY? That’s 4 months of rent, food, bills…4 MONTHS. That’s worth thousands of pounds. He spent his first wage on an engagement ring before he’d covered his living costs? This is crazy. He should be paying at least 40% of costs. That’s he’s letting you, even expecting you to cover all his costs, is a massive red flag. You really don’t need a cocklodger in your life. Don’t marry him, don’t put his name on anything, and think hard about what you want in the future.

It's probably a waste of time sitting him down with a calculator. He knows what he's doing. It's called financial abuse. If you have to explain to a functioning adult how to behave, chances are they are abusive in some way. Ask him to move out and date him if you must, but I imagine a big mantrum will ensue and he will say things like"you never loved me, all you care about is money". Also, it's really unattractive a father not providing his children with a proper home and instead expecting his gf to provide the infrastructure. You see it time again on here and irl. It's a red flag

Don’t get married to this man! He’s then got a legal claim to half of everything you own

I expect he knows that perfectly well ... hence some of us are wondering if it's why he was so quick to buy an engagement ring with his first pay packet

I would value a man who made sure he had paid back any debts before he bought an engagement ring.

I think he has shown you he will be full of flashy gestures designed to keep you sweet and late bills. Is this what you want?

Thank you for all of your replies.

I can't just leave, I'm very unexpectedly 4 months pregnant. Moved in at the start of a lockdown otherwise we wouldn't have seen each other for months and he just kinda stayed. It wasn't a decision as such.

He is clueless tbf. Went from living at home to married, back to living at home. Mum babies him still. Didn't expect money if he wasn't working, paid parking fines for him etc.

So, we had a chat and decided on 1/3 of rent and bills which he's paid. Then paid what would have been a shared expense 3 months ago in full and half of another one from last month without being asked to. And said to let him know if 1/3 isn't enough.

@Lollipoppit

OP, do not marry him, do not marry him, do not marry him !

I can't say it enough times..............

He will stop working again, probably quite soon, and you'll be left to earn enough for all of you, while pregnant, while he sits on his arse again. This is especially true now that he knows the pregnancy 'traps' you with him !

Keep your finances separate and keep all your savings secret.