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Original poster

Realised we have completely different personalities

42 replies

Fedupofthislark · 28/10/2021 02:36

Why is it people cover up their bad points early in a relationship then years later they just stop trying??
DH ruining his health by drinking smoking and putting on weight which has led to that wonderful side effect of non existent libido, I’m fed up and he can’t understand what the fuss is about! Thinks it’s usually women who go off it in a marriage first 🤦‍♀️, I’m so resentful that he’s ruining our marriage but he just reckons he’s a good husband cos of how hard he works/ makes me tea in the morning etc. !! There’s another good thread just like this going but I can’t find it now , WWYD?

OP posts:
Chocaholic9 · 28/10/2021 08:50

Personally I wouldn't want to accept a sexless marriage in exchange for tea in the morning and someone sharing the burden of paying the bills with me.

I guess unless he turns things around, you will need to think about whether that is OK with you.

Does he know you're reconsidering the marriage?

Original poster
Fedupofthislark · 28/10/2021 11:16

Thank you Chocaholic9,in a way he does but his version is‘one of us will get fed up with this and wonder if it’s worth it’(because he thinks he’s been hard done by putting up with me ‘having a go’ too often about what he eats /drinks etc and supposedly moaning about every little thing he does) well maybe that’s because I’m not happy about them ! Like I’m supposed to ignore and grit my teeth! I’m not happy accepting it either, I never expected to put the love life on the shelf in my early fifties just when the dc’s are independent, I expected this to be a new chapter of enjoying ourselves in lots of ways but like I say I resent him for choosing all the self-indulgent habits , there are just so many issues, different outlook, different personalities that I’m just stuck in a rut , he was brought up to focus on paying the bills and being practical and he does that wholeheartedly, can’t fault him there, but he’s not a very deep thinker when it comes to relationships, just oh we’ve paid the mortgage done a good job with the kids so job done kind of thing. I just don’t know if it’s redeemable!

OP posts:
Purplewithred · 28/10/2021 11:20

Not so much different personalities as different views of what makes you happy in your marriage?

Sadly an early thought for me was 'ooh, tea in the morning and stable finances vs sex... tough choice'.

Counselling?

MadMadMadamMim · 28/10/2021 11:24

I'm a bit confused. Did he start drinking and smoking after you married him? Was he a non smoker then and has since taken it up?

Seems odd. Presumably you married him knowing he smoked. That's probably a deal breaker for a lot of people, but it doesn't usually mean men don't want sex. I suspect it's not causing his non existent libido.

Chocaholic9 · 28/10/2021 11:33

Personally, I couldn't stay in a sexless marriage. But that's just me. I wonder if he would change if you let him know it isn't tolerable for the future and you think the next step is divorce.

But if you say that, you would need to go through with it, which you may not be ready for.

Chocaholic9 · 28/10/2021 11:34

Should have put a question mark at the end of that last sentence.

Original poster
Fedupofthislark · 29/10/2021 02:32

I suppose he is at least taking it on board, he’s said maybe we d to get to know each other again and suggest a mini break, but the big problem for me is he’s ‘let himself go’ I suppose and that has an impact on desire to and ability to ‘perform ‘ so I already know any efforts to rekindle things will end in disappointment. To top it off I was gobsmacked when he said trouble is you want all that foreplay stuff and it’s too tiring!! Ffs i didn’t realise for the first few years that I’d married a cave man!!

OP posts:
alexdgr8 · 29/10/2021 02:43

look at it from his point of view.
he works hard and wants to relax and enjoy himself a bit when he comes home.
but he is met by a barrage of nagging.
so maybe he eats too much etc to cheer himself up.
he works hard. he is getting older. naturally he feels tired.
you just seem to value him by what you can get out of him.
there is no respect or affection in your attitude.
perhaps you are incompatible.

Original poster
Fedupofthislark · 29/10/2021 02:45

No always a smoker and drinker but you can see how it’s affecting health as you get older, I can’t stand the ashtray smell so he keeps it away from me but the drinking and love of unhealthy food has increased his bmi a lot which is worrying, well I’ve given up worrying actually cos Ive tried and he’s just too selfish about it to realise it’s wrecked our love life , so now I just feel resentful and I’m imagining what my life could be . After all sometimes you realise the person you met decades ago wasn’t the right match for you after all , right?

OP posts:
wtfisgoingonhere21 · 29/10/2021 02:51

Op everyone changes with age.

Your slim fit healthy and raring to go?

Your not going to be the same person you were yeas ago and neither is he. My relationship has changed a lot over the years as we've changed and the dc have grown up.

Do you share similar interests and hobbies?

1MillionDollars · 29/10/2021 02:55

Unfortunately he can do what he wants. His life. If you don't like it leave.

Yes it may be selfish, yes it may be this or that but you have no right to tell him to do anything.

You do have the right to not accept it though.

Original poster
Fedupofthislark · 29/10/2021 02:57

I try to see his point of view, I don’t nag, when you can see your partner is on the slippery health slope and doesn’t bother with doctors appointments that they’re supposed to keep cos they’ve had warning signs then you start to think they’re not considering that they’re important to their family. It’s clear that he enjoys his indulgent habits more than he enjoys a sex life and he was surprised that I’m upset at the prospect of it being all over for me at 50!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Fedupofthislark · 29/10/2021 03:01

Why do I not have a right? I thought both partners were supposed to try in a marriage, he apparently has the right to give up on intimacy and leave me to it .

OP posts:
1MillionDollars · 29/10/2021 03:05

I can see where your coming from. I don't think you are a controlling person but when you tell a person what to do or how to live might seem caring but it's actually controlling when you break it down.

Yes maybe he should be thinking of the bigger picture and you but he has his own choices to make, just like you do.

I'm probably the wrong person to reply to this but I am tired of people telling me what I should and shouldn't do no matter how small. Don't like it leave or put up with it, you too have a choice. Maybe you think he's selfish....His choice. Don't like his selfishness....Make your own choice.

1MillionDollars · 29/10/2021 03:07

@Fedupofthislark

Why do I not have a right? I thought both partners were supposed to try in a marriage, he apparently has the right to give up on intimacy and leave me to it .
. . . You don't have a right. You can do it if you want but you don't have a right. You don't own him, he doesn't owe you anything. He can do whatever he wants, you just don't have to like it, you can stick around and point it out and he can choose to ignore you.
Original poster
Fedupofthislark · 29/10/2021 03:18

wtfisgoingonhere21

Op everyone changes with age.

Your slim fit healthy and raring to go?

Your not going to be the same person you were yeas ago and neither is he. My relationship has changed a lot over the years as we've changed and the dc have grown up.

Do you share similar interests and hobbies?

That’s the thing 3 years ago I developed IBS , fit and healthy before that, it caused other health issues and it took me about 18 months to feel strong and well again, I have to keep tight control over my eating/exercise etc ever since , the thing is I had to address the problem because it was having immediate effects, with his issues of overindulge it can be a slow burn, he’s borderline diabetic and ignoring it and as I say the effects on our physical relationship. He’s also become more short tempered whereas I’m calmer. We do actually run a small business together , that’s our work, which feels like the thing that’s holding it together at the moment.

Thank you for your thoughtful comments

OP posts:
alexdgr8 · 29/10/2021 03:19

but 1Million above is correct.
think about it.
you are making a false analogy that you should have the right to tell him what to do, because he has the right to not/do something.
can you not see the difference.
you cannot tell someone what to do, or if you try it will be unfruitful, as you have found.
that is a different category than a person themselves doing something, or not.

in a way, that is kind of like a person telling themselves what to do.
perhaps he finds you too demanding, and has unconsciously taken to hiding behind bad habits.
who knows. i don't.
but many women esp would be quite happy to have a hard-working husband even with no sex. there might be some compromise possible.
but if he doesn't feel accepted and valued, it's unlikely in this case.
i'm not saying what you should/not put up with.
but i don't see him as selfish.

Original poster
Fedupofthislark · 29/10/2021 03:22

You don't have a right. You can do it if you want but you don't have a right. You don't own him, he doesn't owe you anything. He can do whatever he wants, you just don't have to like it, you can stick around and point it out and he can choose to ignore you.

That’s very helpful Confused

OP posts:
alexdgr8 · 29/10/2021 03:26

maybe he is suffering from stress.
if he feels more stressed, he will eat more etc.
it can be a vicious cycle.
marriage counselling ?

Original poster
Fedupofthislark · 29/10/2021 03:29

alexdgr8

Yes I get that he’s hard working and all that , but does anyone have any experience of this and could then help me to understand why I’m not happy?

OP posts:
1MillionDollars · 29/10/2021 03:33

I'm being honest with you.

You know what you need to do, you've done it. Talk to him, tell him how you feel but he doesn't have to do anything about it snd it's clear he's not. So what are you going to do, keep going on about it?

You have to decide what you want to do / put up with.

Original poster
Fedupofthislark · 29/10/2021 03:34

Btw I don’t feel he’s hiding behind habits , he’s learned from a young age how to eat and drink too much , it’s a family joke , ‘you can’t be from the * family if you don’t eat the whole cake ‘ kind of thing. I’ve read that there are ‘addictive personalities and non addictive’ and he definitely has one .

OP posts:
1MillionDollars · 29/10/2021 03:37

Sorry if I've not been helpful. I've just come to realise that you can't try and change someone, you can't keep going on at them about something.

If you don't have kids or mortgage with someone, just walk away. Nobody owes you a thing and nobody is responsible for your happiness.

I think if we all realised this sooner, we'd all be better off.

Original poster
Fedupofthislark · 29/10/2021 03:42

1MillionDollars
Thank you. No I have no desire to control him just to prevent him having serious health issues and to prevent us drifting apart , I actually quite like intimacy, that’s my point , I don’t like the prospect of it ending for good Shock

OP posts:
Original poster
Fedupofthislark · 29/10/2021 03:44

1MillionDollars
You’re spot on , a favourite phrase I’ve learned is that only you can make you happy !

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