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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Realised we have completely different personalities

42 replies

Fedupofthislark · 28/10/2021 02:36

Why is it people cover up their bad points early in a relationship then years later they just stop trying??
DH ruining his health by drinking smoking and putting on weight which has led to that wonderful side effect of non existent libido, I’m fed up and he can’t understand what the fuss is about! Thinks it’s usually women who go off it in a marriage first 🤦‍♀️, I’m so resentful that he’s ruining our marriage but he just reckons he’s a good husband cos of how hard he works/ makes me tea in the morning etc. !! There’s another good thread just like this going but I can’t find it now , WWYD?

OP posts:

Amdone123 · 29/10/2021 03:50

I think that maybe you were the right match but now you're not ! People change really especially in long marriages. You either grow together and get ready for the next 20 years ( like you say the children have grown and financially you're ok) or call it a day because you actually want different things.
I don't think it's a bad thing. His health is his concern but of course you're worried / annoyed about his approach. I guess you can't really help him unless he helps himself.
If I were you, I would think about what you want your life to look like and break it down and tackle it all.
Best of luck op !

1MillionDollars · 29/10/2021 09:38

To you it might seem like you are caring and kind and looking out for him. To me it seems like you are controlling and interfering. You seem to be holding on too tightly because you want this to work with him and you are being put off. Again, your problem not his.

I'm sure he is aware that he's probably not in good shape and not living a healthy lifestyle. But this is what he wants to do.

Has he asked you for help to get fitter or lose weight?

If he hasn't then it's not your business.

You can express to him how you feel about it all and that's about it really but you can't control him, control what he eats or does.

I'm looking at it from my perspective snd how I might feel and you would make me conscious about what I'm doing / eating. You would make me sneak chocolate bars and crisps. I would feel watched every time I put on some bacon to cook. Causing me anxiety.

Express how you feel and leave it. He might get there himself, he might not. You have to decide if this is what you want / the type of person you want to be with.

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 29/10/2021 09:44

I don't understand posters with the attitude ' he doesn't owe you anything '' '' you don't owe him anything '' ....etc . Then why do people get married ? Just everyone stay single not owing anyone anything ? I've never wanted to get married because I know I'd struggle with the vows...they mean something , you are promising things to that other person . But I digress. Sounds like you have grown apart OP , it happens .

1MillionDollars · 29/10/2021 10:02

@Dontforgetyourbrolly

I was thinking about the bows last night. Vows mean nothing, they are words people have to say to get married. Marriage means a lot less than it used to.

We don't owe anybody anything. You may think being in a partnership or marriage you do, but we don't. We ONLY have to think of ourselves and the other person can make their own decision on what to do with the information they are presented with or see.

I know that makes me sound selfish. I'm not saying I act or acted like that, but at the end of the day we don't owe anybody anything, which is why relationships break down. If you don't want your relationship to break down then you do and think of your partner, but you are not responsible for their happiness.

wtfisgoingonhere21 · 29/10/2021 11:42

@Fedupofthislark

It's a tricky one isn't it.

We went through a patch whereby intimacy disappeared the more dh drank and he drank due to job stress so it had a knock in effect.

He was working all hours sleeping very little and drinking far too much.
We totally drifted apart.

I mentioned it quite a few times until one night he got shouty and said all I do is nag etc etc.

I calmly told him his lifestyle choices are exactly that. His choices not mine and his choices were affecting my life negatively and making me unhappy.

I just calmly told him that i would no longer mention my concerns etc but we would continue to drift apart and that I wasn't happy to stay in a sexless and quite frankly miserable marriage and would continue to create a life for myself and move on if things didn't change.

Didn't give him a time frame or anything because that's not what it's about.
It's actually about how it impacts your life.

I carried on as normal at home but as we had distanced quite a bit anyway It made it easier for me to build hobbies and things outside of the home.

We didn't really talk about anything significant but we're pleasant.

Something must have clicked with him and he started changing things

I didn't dive in with the well done etc etc and supporting comments I just said that's good and continued on.

He changed jobs and cut the alcohol out and within a few weeks was himself again.

We now get on so well again and laugh and talk etc etc and things are really good

Had that not have happened I don't think we would still be together now

We are all responsible for our own happiness and choices and decisions in life and that works both ways.

He has every right to choose his lifestyle but so do you.

1MillionDollars · 29/10/2021 11:45

[quote wtfisgoingonhere21]@Fedupofthislark