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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Creepy work colleague is making me feel very uncomfortable.

42 replies

YouKnowNothingJonSnow1 · 28/10/2021 01:06

I started my new job a couple of days ago. I am in my mid twenties and this is my first job in years. A certain colleague has been asking me some very weird questions.

He is in his late 40s. Since I started hes been quite obvious with staring etc which made me feel very uncomfortable, well today as my shift ended (his did too) we were in the staff room collecting our things. He randomly asked where I lived, to which I replied in the area. He was hounding me quite a bit asking how far my house is from the shop, whether it takes 5, 10 minutes to get home etc. Also asked which way I'd be walking home. I told him my partner was collecting me ( I don't even have one lol). He was clearly standing by the door trying to iniate more conversations to which I said 'can you let me through please, my lift will be here soon'. He started laughing, mocking me and speaking in his native language. I obviously quickly left the building and walked to my house (5 mins away).

AIBU to feel uncomfortable. I feel like I don't feel safe with us leaving at the same time etc as he seems so full on etc. I look very young for my age too which also creeps me out somewhat.

Have posted on here as having no luck on previous forum.

OP posts:
BSJohnson · 28/10/2021 01:18

I knew before clicking that this would be a man. Be on your guard - no need to #bekind.
Can you approach your employer now about how staring and repeated questions are making you uncomfortable, to nip this in the bud?

BSJohnson · 28/10/2021 01:19

staring Hmm

Topseyt · 28/10/2021 01:26

Inform your manager about this and say how uncomfortable and threatened it made you feel. Ask them to speak to him and warn him off.

If it still continues then inform both him and them that you will have no option but to involve the police as your personal safety is at risk here.

Is there anyone who could collect you from work at the end of your shifts for the time being, until creep has definitely got the message?

Justilou1 · 28/10/2021 01:28

Start diarising everything starting today. You may need this in the future. He sounds awful. I hope you’re okay.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/10/2021 01:30

Don't tolerate this bullshit, op. Document everything and go directly to your manager if this continues.

Original poster
YouKnowNothingJonSnow1 · 28/10/2021 01:31

I've got to be at work for 8 tomorrow and absolutely dreading seeing him. I've had plenty of people at my new job (young and middle aged) be friendly and chatty which is obviously absolutely fine but asking specifics about my address, wanting to know exactlt how long it takes for me to get home etc is definitely pushing boundaries. I get an off feeling with him.

I want to inform my managers but he has worked there a lot longer than I have so he'd most likely have the upper hand.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 28/10/2021 01:37

Fuck his "upper hand." He isn't entitled to harass coworkers. If he asks anything personal, don't answer. A steely gaze will suffice.

MrsEricBana · 28/10/2021 01:56

Definitely do not tell him anything and if he thinks you're rude, so what? He is being very rude and inappropriate. Def tell your manager too. What a horrible experience 💐

Mateypotatey · 28/10/2021 01:56

I would ask him why he wants to know that information and that it's creepy, but then I'm not mid twenties and have had enough of piss taking men! I now treat men as if they're my 12yr old students and educate them on how and why their behaviour is inappropriate as and when it occurs.

Topseyt · 28/10/2021 02:23

No, he doesn't have the upper hand although he is probably relying on you thinking that he does and being too frightened and/or embarrassed to tell your managers.

Don't be too frightened or embarrassed to tell them and ask for it to be dealt with. He is in the wrong. Give yourself the upper hand by telling someone and getting the help you need here.

Graphista · 28/10/2021 02:26

Report his arse! Quick!

This is a clear case of sexual harassment and needs nipping in the bud OFFICIALLY asap

Specifically say you feel harassed, intimidated and UNSAFE

He doesn't have the upper hand - but he's banking on you thinking so!

He is in the wrong and I'd bet good money this isn't the first time he's done this and employers may well know what he is like already

Honestly I know it seems really hard but it's far better to say something than continue to suffer this

I WISH someone had told me this in my 20's and that I'd had the confidence the numerous instances of harassment and even outright assault on a few occasions.

I'm 49, so yes I'm more confident due to age, but I also have a 20 year old dd.

Her usual comment to these types is "haven't you heard of #metoo movement?"

And if they press on (most don't) she very clearly says if they don't stop she WILL report them to management.

So far this is as far as she's had to go they've then backed the fuck off!

The most tricky situation she had was working with a couple and the guy developed a crush on her and the gf took umbrage...but took it out on dd instead of her bf!

After a couple of weeks of not being sure what to do I said take it to manager as it was crossing the line work wise and getting stupid!

Manager thankfully sensible type, hauled the couple in, told him to stop leaching and winding gf up, told gf to wind her neck in if she had a problem with bf having this crush, take it up with him - outside of work! If the pair of them didn't pack it in one of them would have to leave and she pointed out it was actually easier to get rid of the gf of the couple as she'd only been there a couple months, he'd been there 3.5 years.

You really have to draw your boundaries and ENFORCE them

He's being a dick!

Graphista · 28/10/2021 02:29

That should be leching not leaching - which btw autocorrect IS a word

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 28/10/2021 03:46

I want to inform my managers but he has worked there a lot longer than I have so he'd most likely have the upper hand.

I have 2 things to say to the "upper hand"

A) Only if your employers have literally never heard of constructive dismissal on the grounds of sex discrimination, which by the way has no 2yr waiting period as its a protected characteristic;

B) He may well have done this to plenty of other workers and be on a final warning.

CatonMat · 28/10/2021 03:52

This type of behaviour gains traction when the recipient is uncomfortable and unsure what to do.
I think some men (and women) find enjoyment out of the very fact that it's so uncomfortable for their victim.
You must make a stand and nip it in the bud.

Monty27 · 28/10/2021 04:24

You need to protect your safety no matter what it takes

daretodenim · 28/10/2021 05:06

Definitely document (email yourself) what he's said. And report it too.

And I hate to say this but as you live so close to work, check he's not leaving the building at the same time as you, or he could quite easily find out where you live. Which is one reason why you definitely need to report him.

todaysdilemma · 28/10/2021 06:14

Please report this to your manager and start making a note of how frequently he is hounding you.

If your manager does nothing, is there a head office HR dept you can contact?

I would also start looking him directly in the eye and telling him loudly and assertively, "I do not appreciate being asked such intrusive questions, stop it". "It's none of your business". "I do not want to have w conversation right now.". Hard to do if you don't enjoy conflict but find your inner anger. Anger that this piece of shit is ruining your peace, and let that guide you. Predators like him feed off fear, when they realise you're angry, loud and aggressive, they tend to back off. Make more eye contact and silently stare at him when he keeps talking to you/staring at you. It will unnerve him.

If none of this works and he's escalating/harassing/leching, let your manager know you'll be contacting the police for advice as you're worried about your personal safety and feel he is a genuine threat. That should jolt them into some action.

myrtlehuckingfuge · 28/10/2021 06:30

Two of my approaches in the past:
'That is none of your business.' and 'Why?' (as in why do you want to know, why should I tell you?). I have made it a point as to respond to each question with a question.
However, you've clearly gone past this point (which proves what a creep this %% is). Write down everything, tell management - they need to ensure they do something about it otherwise as per a PP above potential for constructive dismissal, then police for harassment. No one has any right to make you feel this way.

lmpeachment · 28/10/2021 06:30

Ask him "Why do you want to know?" every time he asks you an awkward question.

YoBeaches · 28/10/2021 06:50

Please do tell management OP. They have an obligation to protect you.

And be firm with this man. Tell him that you think all these questions are inappropriate and that you want him to stop.

Yummypumpkin · 28/10/2021 06:57

Good luck today OP. Tell your manager, write it down and also tell the man firmly to "mind your own business. I don't need to answer your questions".

Justtickingboxes · 28/10/2021 07:09

This behaviour is disgusting and should not be tolerated. He has done it before and will do it again to others. Is there a sexual harassment policy at work? Company directors could be criminally liable if staff are harassed at the workplace and they haven't taken steps to prevent it. Is there HR at your workplace?

category12 · 28/10/2021 07:09

I want to inform my managers but he has worked there a lot longer than I have so he'd most likely have the upper hand.

As pps have said, it's actually quite likely he has a track record of bothering female colleagues. Very unlikely it's just you. He's probably the "office creep".

So bring it up.

And if he approaches you and questions you again, just say "those questions aren't really appropriate".

sixswans · 28/10/2021 07:36

It's quite likely not the first time he's done this so managers may not be surprised.
Don't feel you have to be polite to him - nothing wrong with being blunt!

Babyghirl · 28/10/2021 07:52

@YouKnowNothingJonSnow1
Deffo report, ijad this with a Co worker he was getting rather close but only a few years older than me.

I started dating a guy and he went of on one saying why the fuck did I not tell him instead of him finding out from someone else well that dating only lasted a while, so once he found out me and the guy wherw no longer talking he went back to normal again.

I them meet my my now husband to be coming 6 years ago, the fella from work went nuts I set at the table in r rest room while he went off on one and stood over me shouting pointing a finger I went to my manager, safe to say he has not talked to me from it. But its great not having to deal with his moods anymore.

A fella out of work told me after that he lived in same street as me that he seen him sitting in his car at the bottom of my street thou lol.

He's a sad 42 year old still living at home with his mum and bro, always hinted he thought he would be married and have a family by well when we where on talking terms, he spends his weekend massaging his ma's feet how on earth he thought he would meet a girl like that is beyond me 🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈.