Creepy work colleague is making me feel very uncomfortable.

[YouKnowNothingJonSnow1]

I started my new job a couple of days ago. I am in my mid twenties and this is my first job in years. A certain colleague has been asking me some very weird questions.

He is in his late 40s. Since I started hes been quite obvious with staring etc which made me feel very uncomfortable, well today as my shift ended (his did too) we were in the staff room collecting our things. He randomly asked where I lived, to which I replied in the area. He was hounding me quite a bit asking how far my house is from the shop, whether it takes 5, 10 minutes to get home etc. Also asked which way I'd be walking home. I told him my partner was collecting me ( I don't even have one lol). He was clearly standing by the door trying to iniate more conversations to which I said 'can you let me through please, my lift will be here soon'. He started laughing, mocking me and speaking in his native language. I obviously quickly left the building and walked to my house (5 mins away).

AIBU to feel uncomfortable. I feel like I don't feel safe with us leaving at the same time etc as he seems so full on etc. I look very young for my age too which also creeps me out somewhat.

Have posted on here as having no luck on previous forum.

@YouKnowNothingJonSnow1

Please tell your manager this isn't acceptable at all - get it documented and tell the police and get an incident number

Nope nope nope.

Report straight away Op.

To your line manager first chance you get today and write everything down for HR if you need to. Doesn't matter whether you have been there 20 years or 2 minutes.

Can you avoid being alone with him? Walk out of work with a woman? I've faked phone calls before now to not engage. No eye contact.
Stuff being polite! "I'm not telling you that." and keep moving quickly away.
Do speak to someone, perhaps the person who interviewed you?

Where do you live?

Why do you want to know?

You got a boyfriend?

Why do you want to know?

Report. You're in you're first few days, hopefully your manager is keeping tabs on you and checking how you are.

Tell your manager everything you said here.

Go straight to HR, dont bother with managers or supervisors. Upper hand means fuck all, there may be many other women who are reluctant to say anything too. Police are always an option if he carries on and HR dont do anything, but they should and would be pretty horrific if they didnt

"I would also start looking him directly in the eye and telling him loudly and assertively, "I do not appreciate being asked such intrusive questions, stop it". "It's none of your business". "I do not want to have w conversation right now.". Hard to do if you don't enjoy conflict but find your inner anger. Anger that this piece of shit is ruining your peace, and let that guide you. Predators like him feed off fear, when they realise you're angry, loud and aggressive, they tend to back off. Make more eye contact and silently stare at him when he keeps talking to you/staring at you. It will unnerve him."

This with bells on. I've just read The Gift of Fear. One thing the author makes very clear is that people with ill intent will often use false friendliness and helpfulness to impose on others. Because of socialisation (particularly of women), the people being imposed on often feel obliged to respond civilly even if they don't like the conversation and want it to end. In the example the author gives, a man used false friendliness and helpfulness to get inside a woman's flat and rape her with a plan also to kill her (which he had done to another victim) but the woman in that case managed to escape. The author also makes clear that, in particular, women should be very clear and direct when defending themselves and not try to let anyone down gently.

He's already pushed you into inventing a partner you don't have to avoid offending him (though, NB, that may well be a sensible safety tactic so you may want to stick with it - many years ago, when I was travelling alone for an extended period, I invented a husband who was waiting for me in the nearest city).

We need to break out of being polite when other people are menacing us. This man is at the very least taking a massive liberty with your boundaries. At worst, he could be shaping up to be very dangerous to you. You are totally entitled to answer in the way suggested above. Or you could say "That is private information and I don't share private information about myself".

Your employer has an obligation to keep you safe at work so I would encourage you to report this to your employer who should be taking this very seriously.

Find a female manager to discuss this with initially and then she can support you in telling your manager and HR. Best of luck

Look for another job. These nut jobs don't stop. I'm concerned about you leaving work in the dark or no other colleagues being around when he is.

Shit OP, when I was In mid 20s a colleague made me feel the same way. He was mid 40s?

About 3 years into the job after Melbourne Cup (boozy event) he drunkenly pinned me to my desk & kissed all the way up my arm to my neck

Was so upset….The next day told my boss & that guy got in a lot of trouble.

Please listen to your gut & stay away from him

Can you also change your route home just in case?

Also make sure your gps is on when you’re walking. Do not under any circumstances tell this man where you live.

Get another job. Jobs are easy to come by and you don’t need this weirdo in your life. Guys like this are great at staying close enough to the line that if questioned they can make excuses and make it seem like you are the crazy one. ‘What I was just being friendly, should I have ignored her?’ ‘I asked her about herself to be polite?’ ‘I wasn’t staring, I just looked in her direction, Jesus can a guy not even look in the direction of a women these days’ ‘I used a different language because I forgot the word I was looking for, is she racist?’

Go straight to your manager to express your concerns!

Definitely inform the manager, as these things need to be documented in this day and age now.

Just because someone asks, doesn’t mean you have to tell them. Just pretend in your head that you’re 50 and no longer give a fuck about being nice, and answer all his questions with questions as other posters have suggested. Make him look stupid. And tell managers. Don’t let him scare you.

I want to inform my managers but he has worked there a lot longer than I have so he'd most likely have the upper hand.

Honestly if that's the case it isn't the kind of place you'll want to work long anyway - give them a chance to do the right thing and deal with this on your behalf. If they don't, get job searching and as soon as you land something hand your notice in. But go to HR first. He might have form for this and be on their radar / a warning anyway.

I'm so fucking depressed we have to deal with this shit in 2021 and that female socialisation has convinced us we are being rude or rocking the boat for simply not wanting to be harassed, intimidated or made uncomfortable at work (or anywhere).

Sorry OP, hope they aren't a shitty workplace and that they deal with it. Log everything personally so you have a record - not on company computers but privately for now so you have it as a timeline to share.

Excellent advice.

You must report this.

Please tell them he blocked your exit and you had to ask him to allow you leave.

This is VERY serious.

Do not hesitate to tell you boss you will involve the police.

You are not there 5 minutes and you are being harassed.

Your boss should be appalled.

Refuse to answer any more questions.

Stop being polite.

He is a creep and you do NOT have to put up with this.