When is the best time to leave?

[whatshouldIdoo]

I've been with my husband for 13 years. He's a good man but irritable and impatient - if I ask him for to help with something, there is always a reason why it's not convenient and we bicker more than I'd like. He is kind in other ways but after trying to work at it for years, I'm coming to the conclusion that there is something about the way we communicate that makes me feel tightly wound, and when I have a break from him to visit relatives etc I feel myself relax. We have two primary aged kids.

Basically I have ticked a long like this for 10 years or so, it's not awful just not how I imagine a loving relationship to be.
Every now and again, I talk to him about how sad the way we communicate makes me feel and he tries hard for a few days and then slips back.
I think I am coming to the conclusion that while I continue to work at it and hope we'll figure it out, I'm realistic in thinking that may not happen and one day we will go our separate ways and if that's where we are heading then perhaps we are better off doing it sooner rather than later.

Sorry for the long backstory.. essentially my questions are:
Is there a time when kids find spilts easier? If you left but weren't deeply unhappy, how did you know it was the right time to give up on the relationship?
Does anyone have regret about leaving / not leaving sooner?

My parents split when I was a teenager as did my friends and we both struggled. I think the younger the better with kids as they just accept it and adapt.

My situation was just awful and my mental health was struggling. I stayed for convenience and to be around my kids. Hardest thing was telling them I'm leaving.

It's been 3 months and I'm stressed trying to sort things out but I KNOW once sorted I will be very very happy with my own space, kids around me and ZERO relationship hassles and the baggage my ex brought.

If you can plod along and be nice then carry on, but if it's causing you anxiety or stress I don't think staying for kids is a good idea. The kids wouldn't want you to be miserable.

Interacting with your husband less maybe an option and just doing your own thing, if he notices you can tell him it's because he's a miserable bastard.

Communication is key and when that breaks down you can just forget it.

There is a current thread on this exact issue. Have a look - maybe you’ll find something useful there

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4368020-Why-did-you-leave-your-ok-enough-marriage

I was in a bearable but less then happy marriage. Personally I wanted until my kids were well into secondary school.
Ended up having to pull the plug earlier. One was still in primary and I think they took is harder than the teenager. And it still affects the younger one more.
Teenagers, in my experience, are quite self absorbed in their own world. Their lives and friends matter a lot. And parents start mattering less, so mine was was and is still dealing with it all better.

Also - in your place - I’d also think about whether the financial side of the split is affected by the timing.

I think it's easier on the children the younger they are. I had teens and v young children - the teens have struggled with it and it's probably had a longer lasting impact on them than the younger ones. I think dragging it out makes it harder for them as they are aware.

I hugely regret not leaving earlier. It went on too long.

@MMmomDD thank you, it was this thread that really made me think about it. There is no urgency to leave we are coasting and I can continue to coast for as long as is necessary. Financially I think I may need to wait until the kids are at secondary school and perhaps try to build my own hobbies, friendships and interests in the meantime as most of our current friends are couple friendships.

@1MillionDollars
I have started doing this, having day trips with just one of the kids (or both kids) and let him have a day to himself. It has been a good test as I realise I have so much more of a nice time without him there. The resentment hangs over me somehow when he is around and I find it hard to have fun.

This was me. My ex used to say they had a nice time when I wasn't there, if I had said the same to her all hell would break out.

I used to enjoy her not being there, because I knew I had to do everything. When she was around I got frustrated because the kids would still be asking for things, calling my name when they were actually sat right next to her. She was addicted to her phone but dare I say it.

The more I think about things the more resentment I feel.

If you can carry on snd not have it effect you emotionally carry on, I tried to carry on but it was to my detriment.

You might be happier on your own for a bit before finding a new partner if you wanted (personally I don't want one)

It's hard but I think the kids can bounce back, you can do-parent and make sure they know that they are still loved.

At 40+ I've come to the conclusion that relationships in the conventional sense are NOT for me. Independence is. So many people trapped in them, so many people unhappy, nobody talking about it, putting on brave faces. One person compromising more, giving more. Screw that. I'm all about me and my happiness and my kids. I still think my partner thinks I'm selfish for leaving and putting myself first, but I'm leaving so I can put myself first so that I am happier and can be happier for the kids instead of dealing with all her crap. Autistic son, thieving lying, disrespectful other son, difficult ex. Should have gone long long time ago but couldn't face it financially or that being with my kids everyday.

Should have got my ducks in a row years ago as they say.

I'd start making an exit plan, because it doesn't sound like this is going to get better unless he gets help, but it sounds like he's quite comfortable where he is.

Honestly, I’m not sure it matters what age your children are. What matters is how you handle the situation. I was a teenager when my parents split up (due to infidelity) and the fights were horrible, so much hatred and bitterness on both sides.
I left my husband when our DS was 7, and again it was rough on everyone involved. Fast forward to a few weeks ago - my partner and I just separated and our DS has just turned 6. He’s handling things brilliantly, but I’m sure it’s because of the way that his dad and I have been handling the situation. We realised that the relationship was over, had a lot of conversations about what we were going to do and then sat down together and explained how things would work going forwards to our DS. I moved out, but close enough so that we can co-parent effectively and the ex and I are still pretty amicable (we share custody, and we still visit each other’s houses as friends and invite each other for a family dinner once a week). It’s a bit weird, but it’s working. I think that as long as the adults ACT like grown ups and make sure that the children’s needs are put ahead of any bad feelings, the kids don’t need to suffer from mummy and daddy splitting up.

@1MillionDollars as far as getting ducks in a row. This is where I struggle. Where do I start? He is the main earner, has the pension etc. I've always been the one who looks after the kids (and work part time). On paper there is no way that I can leave.

@whatshouldIdoo

I know how you feel. Luckily I've had parental support. Not needed anything from them in 20 years but they have been there for me now when I needed them to help me get back on my feet.

Do you have kids? Can you claim Universal credit. Go on entitledto or turntous to find out what you can get.

Work on a plan. I've been back with folks working on things, the situation was dire especially when it came to renting, the checks are impossible to get around with low income, every avenue I tried was a one way street but I'm hoping I got there in the end (find out today/next couple of days)

You don't have to leave immediately. If worse comes to the worse ask for a divorce and for the kids/financial reasons he should leave. You have time to plan and think of options if you are ready to go. Maybe the threat of this will kick him into gear to try harder. Who knows, but change is very hard for people and we all tend to fall back into our natural patterns.

@BoredAndUnfulfilled

I'm in Bored's position. I feel like it's me that is trying to sort the arrangements out and how we should continue and raise the kids. My ex I think, not sure is hurt, angry etc. I have zero feelings for her after 12 years and just split. Says everything really. I'm now treating, at this stage, our relationship like a business. Being pragmatic, not being lured into an argument, which she loved to do, getting me riled up while she then looks like the victim. She's still trying. What she doesn't realise is I've seen how she was with her ex and their kids. She would love to subtly alienate me, she is now desperate for me to have kids 50% of the time because she is now working and I used to deal with most of it for the last 3!years especially and did my share if not more before that.

We're navigating choppy waters but I am putting all feelings aside, she dislikes me and me her at this early stage. She says let's be normal for the kids, but then blanks me when we've had to be at birthdays and things. Literally walks past and blanks me.

I have no doubt things will get better, but as Bored said, it's how you deal with things and get on in the future, which will take time but both parties just need rot behave like grown ups. Part of being separated for me means I don't have to get into arguments with her any more or justify myself, which I had to do a lot. I've told her months ago that I won't be responding to anything unless it's about the kids.

It will be tough to start. I could have just jumped on a plane and flown to Mexico rather than face telling my kids. They started to pick up on things though, I was on sofa cushions in the living room, trying to get up and put everything back to normal before they got up. They picked up on it though.

@1MillionDollars
Sorry you’re having such a hard time, it’s not easy is it? I’ve done a lot of personal growth work over the last 18 months since losing my stepdad, and it’s allowed me to be able to step back from my emotions and be more objective about things. It’s helped massively; I can accept my ex’s viewpoint and he’s trying to accept mine (a big part of why we split was due to him being an emotionally stunted man child) but the fact is that he is trying, and I can appreciate how hard it is for him. That’s not to say that there isn’t any bad feelings between us, it’s just that we do our best to put them aside for the sake of making things as easy as possible for our DS.

Part of me wonders whether if we didn't live together, we could stay together. It would be pretty unconventional but I can imagine meeting up and having a nice time and then going back to our own places.

It is something about the way we communicate over the day to day stuff that grinds each other's gears.
He does a lot of domestic stuff in the home but if we need to work together on something we bicker. He cannot stand being asked to do something, even something as simple as asking him to help me carry something heavy is met with complaints about why he is busy, can't he just relax for five minutes etc etc.

I'd love to be able to have a two way conversation where we figure out the best way to do things but he's just not built like that.

I am the one who does everything for the kids. At bedtime, they don't want him as he shouts and so every single night I put one to bed and then the other. While he sits and watches TV. If we lived apart, at least I'd get a couple of evenings to myself a week.

@BoredAndUnfulfilled

Thanks. It's all about the kids for me. We are just business partners now. I'm happy in time to do things together and be a united parenting front. I think because I have no feelings for her apart from mild resentment, which will pass, I can carry on as normal.

It's about being grown up. All the crap I've done and she has done (although she doesn't feel she's done anything) is in the past, done, can't change it, can't continue to feel guilty about it (done that), so no point dwelling or going over it. We're done, over, kapputt. It's about well being of the kids now.

In OP's case, I hope it can, when/if she takes the plunge have a situation like yours. I know I'll be as reasonable as I can but that's not the case for many.

@whatshouldIdoo

This is me. I NEVER want to live with a woman again, personally I don't think people are designed to do this, not me anyway.

We all just fall into this conventional relationship patter, but who's to say in the future more and more couples with kids will live separate. It becomes normal for the kids, no hurt or upset when a separation occurs/damage done. People are happier because they don't have to deal with the domestic crap, who cleans this, dishwasher, washing etc You deal with your own crap and house.

40 years ago it would be a massive taboo to see sane sex parents raising kids, now normal. I want living apart to be normal too. I know my relationship would have been much much better. I never felt like I had my own space and always doing something wrong.

I split up with my ex husband when my DC were 8 and 5 - they accepted that really easy and are happy and content.