Can’t Cope | Mumsnet

7917Kj · 2021-10-27T17:39:54+00:00

I am 10 days in to my husband leaving and I just can’t cope. He is currently with someone else and I made the mistake of looking her up she is the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen. Even after all the awful things he has done I feel so heartbroken I just can’t see how I am ever going to feel and better. He literally couldn’t give a shit about any of us. Who leaves a 19 year marriage and is with someone else 9 days later?

KirstenBlest · 27/10/2021 19:03

Stop looking her up.

mcmooberry · 27/10/2021 19:05

Aw you poor thing, am so sorry. I would assume she is the reason he left and at the moment he is infatuated with her and doesn't care about anything else.
You will definitely not feel like this for ever and one day you will be happy again. Hopefully someone else with direct experience and good advice will be along soon. Also hope you have friends in real life who will know the exact thing to say to make you feel better.

lettgomoveon · 27/10/2021 19:07

So sorry you are going through this. Take a break from social media and make it priority to look after yourself. Log out or deactivate your account. It won't help to look her up. Could be rebound or possibly an affair. Do you have people around you? If you feel you aren't coping, speak to your GP for further support

Original poster

7917Kj · 27/10/2021 19:09

I wish I hadn’t looked her up but I have now so can’t undo it. I wanted to know what was so special and now I know. I don’t get why after everything he has done the thought of him with someone else is making me feel physically sick. 10 days ago he was saying he loved me now we don’t exist

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Mumoftwinsplusone21 · 27/10/2021 19:16

Time is a healer. I know ur hurting really badly and I wish I could tell you a magic way to stop the ur pain but the reality is u will hurt for a while but it will get better with each day that passes I'm 7 months post break up and am finally feeling better x

BayandBlonde · 27/10/2021 19:18

Don't keep looking (easier said than done) I online 'stalked' my ex's dirty bitch on the side for months!! But it was starting to take over my life.

It won't last, he will soon regret his decision. Like another poster said, it's highly likely he is infatuated.

Be calm, take time and thank god when you realise he done you a massive favour by leaving!

Im not still bitter but it does make me angry

KirstenBlest · 27/10/2021 19:23

Sorry for being blunt. I've been through something similar only she wasn't particularly pretty, and was thick and chavvy and had a tinkly laugh

It hurts like hell but it gets easier.

Your H is an arsehole and he didn't turn into one overnight, or my exP was. He will still be an arsehole.

This is no reflection on you. Make sure you have a support team.

Big Hug

Original poster

7917Kj · 27/10/2021 19:26

I know I shouldn’t care but he knocked my confidence so much and this is like the final blow I feel like i have been kicked. I won’t look at anything again I am just struggling to get my head around my entire life being turned upside down. Everyone I speak to says I am better off, he lied, cheated, wasn’t good looking (according to friends/family) and no one could see it what I could but seeing who he’s now in with has just killed me. I loved him so much it’s our wedding anniversary at the weekend as well

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Icepinkeskimo · 27/10/2021 19:31

OP I'm holding your hand and I know the absolute mental agony you must be feeling right now.
Life and relationships can be so bloody cruel sometimes, and you feel utterly alone and distraught.
Please don't look at this woman anymore, you really need to focus on you at the moment.
Firstly you need to be your own best friend, I know it sounds ridiculous but I had to do this as I went spiralled so far down I just gave up in the end. If I hadn't had responsibilities I don't even want to think about this dark time in my life. I don't know if your in contact with the ex, but I would suggest minimising contact to none or minimal and via text or email as even the sound of their voice will trigger emotions. When it all gets to much if you can have a talk with your "best friend" and be guided by your "sensible head"
Do you have a good friend who you can confide in?
I know you feel alone, believe me your not, so many of us have been or are going through this, it just feels the loneliest place at the moment

Make yourself a hot drink and breath x

Maze76 · 27/10/2021 19:35

I’m sorry you are going through this. My husband did exactly the same, it crushed me. All I kept thinking was what does she have that I don’t, and the answer is absolutely NOTHING.. well now she’s got 13 stone of useless man and she can have him!
Best advice I can give , do not contact him. Do not ask him to return, do not tell you love him.
Leave him alone.. cry about it, get angry but do not show him.
Try to eat, try and go for walks and keep a journal.
All you can do is get through one day at a time, and as strange as it sounds, with each day that passes you will get stronger.

Original poster

7917Kj · 27/10/2021 19:36

Thank you. I haven’t got anyone to talk to other than my family and they don’t understand why I care after everything he has done. I have my children that is the only thing keeping me going but as soon as they are in bed the loneliness hits me and I am just in tears again. Thank you for the words of encouragement I am sure you are all right and it will get better x

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KirstenBlest · 27/10/2021 19:38

You won't make any sense of it. You are unlikely to get closure.

It will have been going on for a while.
He will have probably chased her.
She showed an interest/or gave in.

He will have started acting strangely while this was all going on.
He will have started 'The Script' ages ago,

Basically men turn into sharks.

It isn't you. It's him. He's an arsehole.

Your H isn't my exP but I'd bet it was the same process.
He said some vile things to me - that I was old etc etc

I have no idea if he and OW are together. Looking them up will only upset me, so I blocked him.

Your H may well come running back to you before long.

hg165 · 27/10/2021 19:40

@7917Kj

I know I shouldn’t care but he knocked my confidence so much and this is like the final blow I feel like i have been kicked. I won’t look at anything again I am just struggling to get my head around my entire life being turned upside down. Everyone I speak to says I am better off, he lied, cheated, wasn’t good looking (according to friends/family) and no one could see it what I could but seeing who he’s now in with has just killed me. I loved him so much it’s our wedding anniversary at the weekend as well

So sorry OP 💐

What does this woman even see in him? Does sound like you're better off without him but it will take time. Be kind to yourself x

Original poster

7917Kj · 27/10/2021 19:42

He did chase her. I saw all this on the day he left and confronted him and he said it was called banter and that I was a pathetic, needy psycho that won’t let him talk to anyone else and here we are.

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Icepinkeskimo · 27/10/2021 19:43

Maze76 has also given you some really fantastic practical advice, and yes start a journal.

Your alone OP we are here for you, so many of us have gone through this and know the importance of supporting each other.

Original poster

7917Kj · 27/10/2021 19:45

I don’t know what she sees him, I obviously thought he was good looking, charming etc or wouldn’t have married him and spent 20 years of my life putting up with shit so maybe she will feel the same

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Original poster

7917Kj · 27/10/2021 19:46

Thank you all so much x

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fumfspos · 27/10/2021 19:52

spent 20 years of my life putting up with shit

Even though it hurts like hell now hang on to the fact that you are not going to have to spend the next 20 years of your life putting up with shit and that once you have healed (and that will take time) your life will be so much better and opportunities will come along which you would never have dreamed of.

Just because they are all lovey dovey right now doesn't mean that she won't end up having to put up with shit in no time at all.

MsDogLady · 27/10/2021 20:17

OP, I am so sorry for your pain. I recall your thread a few weeks ago about convincing him how important honesty is in a marriage.

This man is a pathological liar who lacks a conscience, which suggests a personality disorder. You have spent years and years trying to manage and stay on top of his continuous lies, blocked transparency, blame shifting, and gaslighting.

He is probably already lying to and manipulating this OW.

You are understandably gutted, but remember how he has emotionally and financially abused you and the children. You’ve said you will struggle financially, partly because you are paying off his debts, but he is coldly indifferent and says ‘Too bad’ and that he won’t be helping you.

You and the boys are going to be okay. You’ve sorted csa, debt plan, etc. Can you access individual counseling for support while navigating all this?

paisley256 · 27/10/2021 20:19

I'm so very sorry this has happened to you

Original poster

7917Kj · 27/10/2021 20:35

He’s just been laughing down the phone at me saying I am an idiot for now having to get an IVA and that he’s never going to do that and he will pay whatever is left over after his rent, food and debt which will be nothing and that he’s seeing them every weekend o just don’t know what I’ve done to deserve all this

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Moonface123 · 27/10/2021 20:38

There's a saying " Poacher, turned game keeper"
This will be her life now, continuously looking over her shoulder, she won't ever be able to trust him, he's already proved he's completely untrustworthy.

Sonata13 · 27/10/2021 20:43

You've done nothing to deserve this treatment except be honest, loyal and long suffering. Please look after yourself now.

Mumoftwinsplusone21 · 27/10/2021 20:52

Go on YouTube please search how to deal with my ex ect greta is very good. Take back ur control it's gna get harder before it gets better, stay strong

DuchessOfDisaster · 27/10/2021 21:41

@7917Kj

He did chase her. I saw all this on the day he left and confronted him and he said it was called banter and that I was a pathetic, needy psycho that won’t let him talk to anyone else and here we are.

Well he's trotted out all this crap just to give himself an excuse and a reason to blame you, not him. The fault is his. The whole relationship is a total joke. If it lasts I will show my a**e in Wilko's window.