Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

MIL often tries to take son away

28 replies

JC2021 · 27/10/2021 17:15

Sounds ridiculous as he's my son! But MIL will often try keep me at bay and do anything to ensure I'm not in the same room as her when she is with my son..

She doesn't fully baby sit yet on her own as husband has his slight reservations saying he's not sure if she could cope with a tantrum..

I understand she wants a relationship with him but since he arrived, those baby days she would often try take over or keep me out the way.. I've had to step up my boundaries a lot!

My husband has had to speak up more than he ever has.. she will often try and play the victim..

We don't get on very much and I think she will do what she can to make sure they have their own relationship. I get that but we don't get on as she hasn't treated me well in the past and I no longer stand for it..

Any one else deal with difficult mother in laws?

Lol

OP posts:

WeRTheOnesWeHaveBeenWaitingFor · 27/10/2021 17:19

You are probably being a bit precious about your first born. It’s likely she just wants to interact without you watching over her. However, I felt them same when my first was little. The urge to protect them is very strong. I’m not sure what advice to offer but it does get easier as they get older.

HumunaHey · 27/10/2021 17:28

@WeRTheOnesWeHaveBeenWaitingFor

Weird thing to say. And if MIL has to interact with OP watching over, so be it, it's her child.

OP, my MIL isn't like this but I have had other people in my life where I have to put my foot down. They'd literally take my baby out my arms without asking and, as he got older, he'd be trying to wriggle away from a hug and they'd try to keep him there.

IMO, the sooner you put your foot down and set boundaries, the better. Some people don't realise their place.

Original poster

JC2021 · 28/10/2021 08:29

She's a bit obsessed with my son and it drives me mad.

OP posts:

BeggarsMeddle · 28/10/2021 10:25

Your MIL brought up your DH - might there be some aspect of her parenting that he knows is 'off'?

Topseyt · 28/10/2021 10:33

Why are you seeing her so much if you don't get on and she is trying to keep you away from your baby? Even your DH doesn't sound keen and thinks something is off.

You don't have to see her. Your baby won't suffer if you don't and her behaviour isn't acceptable.

smoko · 28/10/2021 10:40

If you don’t get on & your husband has your back (which sounds like he does) then why do you just not see her less? Or have her come to your home primarily so you’re on your turf?

toomuchlaundry · 28/10/2021 10:45

How old is your son?

FictionalCharacter · 28/10/2021 10:56

That's nothing to "lol" about. No normal person tries to keep a mother away from her child. I wouldn't let a person like that babysit.

LookItsMeAgain · 28/10/2021 10:56

How old is your son? You need to establish boundaries, simple ones that can be easily followed by both you and your DH.
Your DH needs to be the one having a word with his mother though but unfortunately, if he isn't or just won't do it, you have to (which isn't fair on you as you'll be the bad one in the situation).

For example, if she comes to visit and you're with your son, she doesn't get to swoop in and take him out of your arms - she waits until which ever parent has him is ready to pass him over to her for a cuddle.
If you are feeding him yourself, then feeding time needs no involvement from her at all.
She doesn't visit when it's nap time or bed time and she doesn't get to take him away from either parent (i.e. into a different room in the house)

TidyDancer · 28/10/2021 14:02

Can you give some specific examples of what she does/says? And how your DH in particular has been dealing with her?

Original poster

JC2021 · 28/10/2021 16:27

She is very controlling and wants things her way. I've had to remind her at times that I do things differently. She's very anxious and also manipulative. I think my husband is aware and even used the words 'I don't trust her to look after him by herself out of the house' he said she is too anxious.

My DH was mostly brought up by his grandparents.

My son has just turned 3 and often says 'I don't like her' I think he could sense that she would often try get me away out the room and shut the door when he was small, really odd behaviour that I don't wish to forgive her for.

She is obsessed with my son and asks my husband for photos every single day. She wants him to go to her home country in Eastern Europe with her, no way without me/DH.

The only way I can put it is that I don't trust leaving my son with her. She has a darkness and would likely bad mouth me at some point to him.

She has even suggested that we have another baby so she can help more with my son?!? More like take over!!

It's like she wants me out of the picture. How mad is that?!

OP posts:

Original poster

JC2021 · 28/10/2021 16:28

Also she is desperate for my son and husband to sleep over at her house.. it's been made quite clear/obvious that doesn't include me!!

OP posts:

layladomino · 28/10/2021 16:28

It sounds like you and DH are on the same page - that makes a huge difference if so. She can't wrestle your son off you so you can just keep saying no. And see her a bit less so it's less of an issue. Ideally explain beforehand that you are concerned that if she keeps being so pushy then you'll see less of her, as she is making you and DH uncomfortable. Just keep repeating. Pushy, determined people like this often have very thick skin, and are very self-centred. You have to keep reasserting your boundaries as they have zero respect for other people's feelings. She may back off a bit if she sees that she has more to lose by upsetting you.

ButterflyAway · 28/10/2021 16:31

You’re the one allowing her around your child, if you’ve that much of a problem with it stop allowing it

Original poster

JC2021 · 28/10/2021 16:35

Me and husband sort of on same page - it's taken many chats and arguments at times. He is very defensive about her.

She is pushy, that's exactly it. I see her once every 3 weeks on average and she stays over at our house for the night.

She has already informed husband that she isn't seeing our son enough. So she came over again yesterday:/

I'll be keeping that in check though.. literally she adds to my stress levels so can't stand her here much more.

Once a month would suit me. She keeps tabs on when she last came over and mentions it.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 28/10/2021 16:38

The really shocking thing, in my opinion, is that you allow this woman anywhere near your child. Your MIL has serious issues and her behaviour is alarming. I would make visits very few and far between and never unsupervised.

Original poster

JC2021 · 28/10/2021 16:40

@Aquamarine1029

To be honest it's what I thought all along... it's so so hard as she is the only family my DH has and at times he really wants her involved- she lost her husband to cancer 6 years ago and craves to be in our lives so much more ever since

OP posts:

LookItsMeAgain · 29/10/2021 12:03

@JC2021

Me and husband sort of on same page - it's taken many chats and arguments at times. He is very defensive about her.

She is pushy, that's exactly it. I see her once every 3 weeks on average and she stays over at our house for the night.

She has already informed husband that she isn't seeing our son enough. So she came over again yesterday:/

I'll be keeping that in check though.. literally she adds to my stress levels so can't stand her here much more.

Once a month would suit me. She keeps tabs on when she last came over and mentions it.

In relation to this post you made @JC2021 I have a few questions.

1 - why does she stay over in your house once every three weeks? Is she living very very far away or near enough that she could return home in the evening?
2 - even if she informs you that she isn't seeing your son enough, your DH and you have to stand up to her and say that she cannot decide when you let her in to see your son. You call the shots here, not her. Try role playing it between your DH and you if you don't feel ready to deal with her directly at first.
You/Your DH - "Mum, you said you were going to come over tomorrow to see Adam - unfortunately we have already made plans to go out/do something so we won't be around"
MiL - "Oh. Ok. I'll be around at 4pm so that you can do whatever you're doing and I'll still get to see Adam"
You/Your DH - "No, that doesn't work for us tomorrow. We'll see you again on Sunday the 25th (or whatever date you chose to meet her again)

As you say, once a month would be enough for you, so why not set that up? The first/middle/last Sunday of the month will be "Visit Nanna Day". Then you can plan around it.

Tranquilitybasehotelandcasino · 29/10/2021 12:32

If I were you, I’d visit her once a month rather than having her come to you. If you can make this a regular thing, it will soon stick. That way you don’t need to have her staying in your house and you can leave whenever you’re ready. Make stuff up initially if you have to - you’re decorating, the house is a tip, you’re visiting somewhere close to her so it’s easier if you go to her than miss your previous visit this month. Don’t let her dictate what you to and in your own home!

Original poster

JC2021 · 30/10/2021 11:31

Basically my own mum comes to stay 1-2 nights every 3 weeks and has a great relationship with my son, they are very close.

I think my husband is jealous of it somehow? And wishes the same for his mum.

His mum is very pushy and overbearing with it though and that's why my son has pulled back.. he looks unsure with her and doesn't run to her or have a super close relationship with her. You can see she is desperate for it..

My husband also wants it for them both, which I do understand but basically whatever I do with my mum, my husband copies the same and tries to emulate with his mum..

Ridiculous but there's a lot of comparison from mil and husband and who's the favourite at play..

I will often try say ah why don't you go to your mums and visit her there and husband will say 'oh but she hasn't been here for ages and I'd like her to stay here' that's more her doing than his as she pretty much expects a banquet every time she arrives..

OP posts:

Original poster

JC2021 · 30/10/2021 11:33

Also she never invites me to her house and kind of makes it clear that it's for my son and husband to come.. cheeky cow

OP posts:

FictionalCharacter · 30/10/2021 11:43

*she pretty much expects a banquet every time she arrives.."
*she never invites me to her house"
AND she tries to keep you away from your own child in your own home.
You know you're being treated extremely badly. Put a stop to it or it will get worse.
Your child doesn't like her. That should be enough. She's making him feel uncomfortable - kids don't push down their emotions or deny their feelings as much as adults do.

LookItsMeAgain · 01/11/2021 08:50

I'll call it - you have a DH problem and the MiL problem is secondary to that.
If he had a better relationship with his mother, there wouldn't be this level of competition over who has their parents to stay more and who plays with your son better than the other.
If he was more relaxed and in more control here, the issues you have with your MiL often trying to take your son away, wouldn't happen. He would stand up to his mother. He doesn't.

You didn't answer the question about why your MiL needs to say in relation to where she lives. Even if your mother stays (if she has to travel a long distance for example) that would be a reason but just because one MiL stays over, doesn't mean that they both have to. That's a nonsense issue. If there isn't a reason for your mum to stay over (if she lives near enough that a taxi home would work) then cut back on that so that the inlaws are on an even footing. It sounds childish but if you can demonstrate how your mum doesn't need to stay over, then any reason for your MiL to stay over is gone too so that is that sorted.

chocopuffs · 01/11/2021 08:53

OP I sympathise! My MIL is just awful. I can't win with her, she thinks everything I do is wrong and she's always trying to have my baby to herself. I don't trust her at all as we clearly have very different views on parenting which she makes very clear, yet expects me to allow her to take my child. It's bizarre. I don't really know how to deal with it, I find it hard to stay calm when she criticises me but I think I need to try and let it go and ignore her.

PhiOmicron · 01/11/2021 09:03

She wants him to go to her home country in Eastern Europe with her, no way without me/DH.
Just to say, this may seem unusual to you but it's not sinister at all. In some EE places, it's normal for the child to spend two-three months of the summer on the dacha (for example) with their grandmother while their parents work.

She sounds a bit much but also, you seem to really dislike her. This will colour your perception. Does she really expect a banquet, or does she assume her son to offer her refreshments in his house, as he was raised to do? Please remember hospitality varies so much from country to country. I have heard foreigners say (not in a nasty way, just observing) that the culture in the UK is comparatively less hospitable, less "you will not move from this table till you have sampled all twenty dishes" and more "right... you've had a cup of tea, now go home!"

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread