TW: abuse. Those who endured abusive childhoods… are you ok now?

[VisionsofJohanna]

TW: child abuse.
Reading the news and many current threads in MN Chat about Arthur, Star and all the other children essentially tortured to death. My heart aches for them and the terrible experience of life they faced before their untimely deaths.
I was wondering, for those who experienced similarly abusive childhoods: are you ok now? Do you feel safe? Do you think these children could have been rescued and gone on to live ‘normal’ lives if that chance hadn’t been taken from them?
No motivation here apart from a burning sense of anger at what these poor children were subjected to. Needless to say, there is no need to share any detail at all.

I would hope that, if these children had been removed from the care of these monsters, that they could have been lovingly fostered and relearned love, care and family. But I appreciate that might be very naive.

I was beaten by my step father from the age of 4 to 16....
I have BPD due to the abuse (and other trauma) ...

No, physical/emotional/sexual abuse, near fatal accidents, bullying. I did my best to stay out of the house as a child.
I moved away and went NC at an early age, later therapy helped with boundaries.

I still struggle with relationships and find it very difficult to trust anyone fully.
At least the cat isn't bothered by my anxiety and depression, she'll have to do.

@ThisIsStartingToBoreMe

Those of you who had good results with therapy what sort of therapy did you have?

Person centred therapy through an agency which provides therapy for survivors of abuse. I also spent a lot of time learning about the effects of trauma and did some groupwork about learning how to process emotions.

Not tortured (except psychologically) but abused horribly in other ways and when I grew up and became an adult, the emotional and psychological abuse continued.

I've spent the last 9 years or so since I went no contact with my parent to repair myself and I've made very good progress. I'm OK.

I did several years of therapy and some EMDR.

I find it interesting- and hopeful - that so many of you have had good results with therapy.

I’ve tried all sorts of therapy and found none of them have been any good at all. I suspect part of that is to do with me - I feel that no one can really understand what it was like to go through the things I’ve been through and therefore how can anyone help me? (Although saying that I do of course recognise similar stories here). It’s like I think it’s all a load of nonsense and a waste of time.

One of the things that - weirdly - helps me is reading a lot of true life crime books, true life tragic stories stuff. (For example, Mae Wests book about her Mum, Rose West “love as always mum”, things about Euince Spry from her adopted daughters Alloma and Victoria (who sadly committed suicide) etc). It’s like these are the only people that I can relate to, to have that similar battle with missing / loving a parent who has done such horrendous things to you and others.

I feel in day to day life I can’t really talk to anyone or be close to anyone because generally no one else can ever understand that. It’s like their lives are lived in a different world.

@Bagelsandbrie

I find it interesting- and hopeful - that so many of you have had good results with therapy.

I’ve tried all sorts of therapy and found none of them have been any good at all. I suspect part of that is to do with me - I feel that no one can really understand what it was like to go through the things I’ve been through and therefore how can anyone help me? (Although saying that I do of course recognise similar stories here). It’s like I think it’s all a load of nonsense and a waste of time.

One of the things that - weirdly - helps me is reading a lot of true life crime books, true life tragic stories stuff. (For example, Mae Wests book about her Mum, Rose West “love as always mum”, things about Euince Spry from her adopted daughters Alloma and Victoria (who sadly committed suicide) etc). It’s like these are the only people that I can relate to, to have that similar battle with missing / loving a parent who has done such horrendous things to you and others.

I feel in day to day life I can’t really talk to anyone or be close to anyone because generally no one else can ever understand that. It’s like their lives are lived in a different world.

Bagels and brie, did you ever try EMDR? I have to say that is the therapy that has made the most difference for me.

I totally understand and relate to what you said about no one understanding so feeling isolated in relationships. My best friend married a narcissist and was abused by her. I feel like he's the only one who understands me.

@Chocaholic9 oddly enough I hadn’t really heard about that until this thread and although I am sceptical I am going to look into it, so thank you

[quote Bagelsandbrie]@Chocaholic9 oddly enough I hadn’t really heard about that until this thread and although I am sceptical I am going to look into it, so thank you [/quote]
@Bagelsandbrie Highly recommend if you get the chance.

Incidentally one of the things I worked on a lot in EMDR is that sense (that is very similar to what you described). I was often feeling isolated and feeling like I was living on a different planet from everyone else, because of my experiences.

I've had friends say things like "you need to learn to forgive" and "it takes two to tango" about my experience of being abused as a child. One friend even cut contact with me because she didn't agree with my decision to cut contact with my abuser!

These comments made a big impact on me and I came to realise that (1) most people do not understand what it is like to go through childhood abuse or be raised by someone so twisted, and so they just.can.not.understand. Nor do they want to be reminded that there is evil in the world.

and (2) others have been abused but are in denial, and will undermine your perceptions about your childhood, simply because they cannot face their own.

I am guessing you will probably know what I am talking about with this.

So, as a result, for years I have felt like I could not reveal my true self to anyone, like no one would understand.

I spent some time working on that in EMDR and now I don't feel isolated because of my experiences. I have made new friends since and my history never comes up and I don't need it to. I feel that is a good result.

Hope you don't mind me sharing my experiences. Not sure if you will relate.

*I was often feeling isolated and feeling like I was living on a different planet from everyone else, because of my experiences.

I've had friends say things like "you need to learn to forgive" and "it takes two to tango" about my experience of being abused as a child. One friend even cut contact with me because she didn't agree with my decision to cut contact with my abuser!

These comments made a big impact on me and I came to realise that (1) most people do not understand what it is like to go through childhood abuse or be raised by someone so twisted, and so they just.can.not.understand. Nor do they want to be reminded that there is evil in the world.

and (2) others have been abused but are in denial, and will undermine your perceptions about your childhood, simply because they cannot face their own.

I am guessing you will probably know what I am talking about with this.*

^ Every friggin word 🙌🏻🙌🏻

This completely sums up the challenges I’ve faced. I am so lucky though I have a fantastic husband and he is my person and has stepped every step he was able to in my recovery. I know how lucky I am.

I’m in my 50s. Abusive violent parents, particularly my father who was an alcoholic.
Mother still alive. We were no contact for some years, but I was emotionally blackmailed by my sibling to have some contact as she is now elderly.

I had counselling as a teenager and in my 20s due to severe anxiety which made me drop out of university. The counselling didn’t work and I felt the counsellors didn’t really get what had happened to me.

I was in my 30s before I started a non abusive relationship, with someone who was not my ‘type’ at all. I later married him and had kids and it took all my willpower not to repeat the same abusive patterns.

It’s not really about having a weaker victim, it’s almost an automatic pattern of behaviour - hard to explain. I felt almost irresistible impulses at times to hurt my children physically and verbally.

Thank god, I managed to overcome this and have a good relationship with my DC now in their 20s. I do feel empathy for people stuck in this pattern though. People aren’t born monsters, they are repeating what happened to them in many cases.

I think to an extent, time has healed some of it. But my childhood still haunts me to this day. I recently asked to go back to the office 5 days a week (although I can still work at home) because if I am alone with my thoughts I still dwell on it regularly.

Off to Google EDMR! Haven’t tried therapy before but if it’s a possible option…

Echoing the above poster about people minimising/ avoiding talking about your own experiences.

I don’t know how to say this, it is very very nice and interesting to see others post about this as I have never met someone who had vaguely similar experiences - I guess our childhood experiences are all a bit different but the effects seem similar? I don’t really know what else to say and am not really adding much to the thread but I’m so intrigued by anyone who has a handle on it or just wants to have somewhere to speak? I think I’m projecting as hoping I’ve found some “adults” who can help I guess (I am an adult!), just some wise/ knowledgeable people who have been through similar? I think it’s so kind when people online say “how awful” but it makes the distance between me and “normal” feel greater maybe? That’s so kind of them though and always worth saying as much more caring and always be there if someone wants to talk! But it’s so special meeting anyone who’s had a similar experience, I don’t really ever talk about it so not sure what I’m wanting! I hope others find it helpful? I just don’t want the thread to go as I haven’t really found others before… rambling!

I'll never feel completely "safe" - though therapy helped - but then I'm in my sixties and grew up in a time when children weren't necessarily believed. So instead of protecting me, the school could easily have put me at even worse risk if I'd told them about my DF's hideous abuse

Unfortunately my DM didn't believe me either, when told about it in my thirties - or maybe she just didn't want to, being frightened of him herself. They're both dead now though, so there's still so much I'll never know

I love your journey SafeMove! Phd sounds amazing.

I wonder if there’s a government group or someone we can put ideas to, to say look this is where we were failed, here are the signs people missed/ intentionally overlooked with us?

One thing that really would’ve transformed my life is uni. I went and they had limited free therapy aimed towards different issues (good idea) but none towards DV. I was freshly free of DV and really could’ve had that support and to be honest probably financial or at least opportunities to stay on after term time. Uni doesn’t seem to help at all on that?

No, never recovered. i have complex PTSD, toxic anxiety and auditory and visual hallucinations 50 years later. I will be on psychiatric drugs until I die.
I've still managed to raise a child (can't cope with partners or husbands), bought a house, held down a responsible job for 40 years but my life is black and white rather than in full colour.
Loads of people saw what went on not one helped, school teachers the worst - they could have stopped the abuse if they'd been bothered to speak up. Likewise medical professionals.

@Backstreetsbackalrightdadada

I understand what you mean about this thread feeling very...homely? Probably not the right word but I really can tell that people who have posted 'get it'. Other people who have not experienced adverse childhood experiences often put me on a timetable 'You shpuld be over x, y, z by now' or say 'I am so sorry, that is awful' and I just go back to feeling like that little girl who was doing all this unusual stuff because I was externalising my trauma physically. There has not been one moment of another poster 'shaming' anothers experience here and that is rare. There has been no competitive severity either - in group therapy I often watched people try do one upmanship of awful things that happened. I understand why, everyone with ACE needs validation, it is an unmet need, but it also felt unecessary, everyone had a shit time, it was all severe, there was no sliding scale, nobody should be made to feel less because their trauma is their own.

I don't know if anyone else gets angry around words used to do with abusive childhoods too? I HATE the words triggering, victim, sufferer, lived experience etc. It makes my skin crawl. I have no idea why!

@Bagelsandbrie I am obsessive about watching/reading about murders and terrorism and disasters (natural and man made) . I have the stupidest logic, if I think and read a lot about it a lot, it won't happen to me/my loved ones. It is hypervigilance, muxed with anxiety. But we laugh about it in my family and my partner and DC get that its almost like a comfort blanket for me so indulge me haha.

Sorry for all the typos in my posts, I can't see well.

I don't know if anyone else gets angry around words used to do with abusive childhoods too? I HATE the words triggering, victim, sufferer, lived experience etc. It makes my skin crawl. I have no idea why!

I think it is the negative connotations attributed to us and our experiences almost as if we have some sort of ownership of what was done to us. I think a lot of the time because of people’s very strong need to see the chaotic world as safe and secure for them and the fact that everyone in it, even the hardest of worst criminals, sees themselves as a hero means that people want there to be something wrong with victims so that they can distance themselves from that ever happening to them. That is why we hate these ideas because they are almost weaponised against us.

@Muttly definitely. It is the passive voice issue. I read through some of my records from my childhood and there was a lot of 'SafeMove was >insert bad experience< at the age of 5, 7 and 11 and this triggered a series of events that led to her displaying psychological distress at these times and her behaviour declined'. When I read it I thought hang on a minute, this wasn't an organic event that originated in my brain, somebody hurt me and I reacted. But like you say, ownership of this was given to me, 'SafeMove was raped' over 'The perpertrator raped SafeMove'. I think when I was being interviewed by various professionals when I was younger, even though I knew the way they said/asked things didn't feel right I didn't know why, which just led to more confusion on my part. Adults saying they were there to make me feel safer just put me on shifting sands, like my abusers did. As if I was ever going to open up to them.

Psychological and physical abuse. I started wanting to kill myself at 12, as soon as I heard about the concept of suicide, and there isn't a day when I don't think it would just be easier.

Therapy hasn't helped. I don't trust the psychologists because the majority share the gender of my abuser and the rest of the enabler. Bit of a pickle. I find myself falling into the patterns I had to use to manage my mother's emotions when I talk to them. I'm on the spectrum too, so emotional management of myself and others is agonisingly outside my competencies, but we do what we must.

I have a job. I have had good, positive relationships. But I will kill myself before becoming a parent, and the only thing keeping me alive is the pleasure I take in drugs, games and other distractions.

I'm not ok.

@safemove - go you! Absolute admiration for you!
For me, I’m ok, but as a PP pointed out, I’ve been lucky enough to be able to invest a fuck ton of money in therapy (not family money I would add, money I’ve earned!)
Externally, I look “fine” (and I make sure that is the case!) lots of qualifications, successful marriage, great house, successful career, happy life.
Internally, I bloody KNOW that so many of the decisions I make are based on my past experience and that pisses me off….I’m working on it!

@Bagelsandbrie I watch a lot of apocalyptic horror, end of the world type things because that's the worst that can happen. I find it very calming. So I know what you mean about the books you read.

Not abused but I speak alot with women and men who was.

Age 5 onwards most have ptsd
Prior to 5 years of age they develop a dissociative condition. It is also a trigger for fibromyalgia in a lot of people

No, not good at all. Currently in the midst of EMDR therapy to deal with CSA and DV. This is on top of years and years of other therapies. Like others on the face of it I have a successful life. Lovely husband, great home, two lovely kids, great career (prior to being a SAHM). But inside I am a mess. It's gone downhill since having my children as a I am SAHM and the stress that comes with parenting triggers my hypervigilance and need for control plus I have little distraction from it as I am with them alot as youngest still has not started school. Every single day I feel like I am under attack from them or criticised by them or that they are just out of control. There are lots of loving moments too and moments of happiness but inside I am sad. Sad for me as a child, sad for me as an adult and sad for them that they don't have a mother who can calmly deal with things when they get stressful. It's as though I had to deal with so much stress as a kid that I've used up my reserves by adulthood. No one truly understands, it's a very lonely place to be. Some harrowing stories on here, these scars run deep