TW: abuse. Those who endured abusive childhoods… are you ok now?

[VisionsofJohanna]

TW: child abuse.
Reading the news and many current threads in MN Chat about Arthur, Star and all the other children essentially tortured to death. My heart aches for them and the terrible experience of life they faced before their untimely deaths.
I was wondering, for those who experienced similarly abusive childhoods: are you ok now? Do you feel safe? Do you think these children could have been rescued and gone on to live ‘normal’ lives if that chance hadn’t been taken from them?
No motivation here apart from a burning sense of anger at what these poor children were subjected to. Needless to say, there is no need to share any detail at all.

I would hope that, if these children had been removed from the care of these monsters, that they could have been lovingly fostered and relearned love, care and family. But I appreciate that might be very naive.

I was abused but nothing as severe as those cases. I've spent thousands on therapy and I think I'm as OK as I'm ever going to be. I don't feel so sad anymore about what happened , I'm not angry that nobody intervened and that I had to save myself. Instead I'm glad that I'm not as damaged by it all as my brother and that I'm hopefully aware enough to not repeat my parents mistakes. There will always be that want for a mother , a proper mother but it is what it is. I make efforts to mother myself. I've no idea if my life would have been better or worse had authorities been involved early in my childhood. I think that the bigger impact would have been made had there been involvement with my mother's childhood instead but in 1950s Ireland that just didn't happen.

To the outside world yes. I have a stable job, a home, a husband, hobbies.

BUT I suffer from anxiety, depression, impostor syndrome and like others I feel not like a proper adult.

It's only from the age of about 40 that I really managed to see my mother for what she is. Fortunately for me, since my husband has been around, she has been much better in her behaviour towards me.

I suspect I have PTSD and need therapy, but I am reluctant to dredge up my past when I finally have some kind of (fragile) equilibrium.

I think it's the kind of damage you can never put right in any case and it's the reason I chose never to have kids

No.

No I'm not ok. I think it has affected my children too. I find it hard to be affectionate to them and try to keep everything unemotional and a perfect home and atmosphere. I get very upset easily if they are upset as I see their lives as easy and privileged compared to what mine was.

My father and stepmother were emotionally and physically cruel, had more children who were treated very differently to myself. I've always thought I was less than everyone.

I'm also very surprised and don't trust that people actually like me, I thought for years that the abuse must have been because I was a bad person as others didn't go through what I did so there must be a reason and that reason was I deserved it.

I don't give second chances either. You hurt me, you're out of my life because I don't have the resilience to carry on with you in case you do it again.

People say, oh you're so lucky (I have from the outside a wonderful life) but I don't feel lucky, I feel constantly sad, lacking and angry that no one stood up for me. No one cared enough for that little girl I once was.

I had a hard childhood and was neglected and brought up in fear. I got it less severely than my sister but I used to take the blame for a lot as I knew I would get hit less than her. Am I OK? I think so. I parent completely differently. Ensure a clean tidy home and have my daughters best interests at heart. I wouldn't ever lay a hand on her and we work on mutual respect. We don't have fear in my home. I have a lot of anxieties and feelings of low worth but I just roll with it and try to not think about it that much and push it out my mind. I do struggle with fear of getting in trouble and find a lot of things I perceive as a criticism even if it is a joke as I learned from a young age a 'joke' has meaning behind it and feel a lot of passive aggressive things are hidden in them. I do however advocate strongly for those who cannot advocate for themselves and I know my boundaries now. I am no contact with all of my family as I was tired of being the emotional punching bag. I have a very understanding husband and still great friends with my daughters dad as he has his own childhood trauma so we are very bonded through that support to each other even though we are not in love.

I don't think you can ever get over it but for me I take it all as learns of who I don't want to be and refuse to waste energy on toxic areas of my life. I still see aspects of my mum that showed she cared for us (refusing to let us be bullied at school etc) but I just wonder if she realised her lack of cleanliness led to a lot of it and she just enjoyed a fight/the control she had over me.

Its impacted on my relationships as I was always drawn to controlling men but after some therapy and my counsellor explaining it was because my subconscious was drawn to it even though consciously I hate it something clicked. I stayed single until I met my now husband and he is so chilled and let's me get on with life and its what I needed and we have open communication.

I am so sorry for those who had it worse than me. I also thought my childhood was normal and now wonder why nobody helped. Not even my grandparents who saw us all the time.

“I'm also very surprised and don't trust that people actually like me, I thought for years that the abuse must have been because I was a bad person as others didn't go through what I did so there must be a reason and that reason was I deserved it.”

Sorry I can’t quote in bold properly but completely agree with this. Even now I think I’m weird / odd / people don’t like me.

Not severe, but regular physical and emotional abuse. In both households as my parents were separated, by step parents but both my parents let it happen.

I'm not okay. I don't think about it regularly as I'm busy trying to get on with life but I have no self esteem, bad anxiety and I am an extreme emotional eater (eating and weight is something that was used against me regularly as a child) and I am morbidly obese at just 29 years old.
I hate myself. I hate the adults who did this to me, and part of me hates my parents who were supposed to protect me. The other part of me still loves them because they are my parents.

I hate all forms of confrontation and fear getting in trouble. I fear upsetting family, or sticking up for myself.
I'm constantly bullied at work and can't seem to stick up for myself.

Neglect and emotional abuse here from NPD mother and enabler father. I suffer from anxiety, made worse since becoming a mum myself 18 months ago. I've been in therapy for 5 years and it has helped immeasurably. I am OK, some days I am great, but the anxiety is there like a horror film queued up to play at any time. My childhood still affects my interactions- I have a horror of angry women, I shy away from confrontation, conversely in my relationships, I often suppress small resentments then allow them to explode. I'm working on it. Happily married to another childhood abuse survivor. He's doing OK too.

I grew up in a dysfunctional household. Don’t think the abuse I endured was as bad as some of what I’ve read on here. My mother was an alcoholic who used to batter us if we ever tried to intervene such as pouring alcohol away, confronting her etc. She wasn't the most nurturing of parents when she was sober either, I don’t remember much in the way of cuddles and kisses or much encouragement, and my dad was working all the hours under the sun to make ends meet. We had SS involvement but they deemed us not at risk, my mother convinced them there wasn’t an issue and my Nan knew she’d been drinking that very morning. I remember in my early teens calling the police because she was threatening me with a knife. They did nothing.

I function well, didn’t go off the rails, no excessive drinking, never took drugs and never smoked. I did however sleep around quite a bit when I was younger, got in relationships with much older men, but they weren’t bad man and I’ve never been in an abusive relationship.

I did quite well at school, left school with 3 a levels but didn’t go to uni. Got a job that I worked my way up in and have done ok. I suffer with very low self esteem and I have no confidence. I hate drinking and very rarely drink.

I think it’s probably affected me more as a parent though as I think I try too hard, I put far too much pressure on myself to be the perfect parent, especially when the children were much smaller. They’re 8 and 6 now and I’ve relaxed a lot, I’ve had a lot of counselling as I worry far too much about what people think of me, not sure I’ll ever overcome that though.

No I was greatly affected by my childhood. I grew up in a DV household and witnessed physical, mental and emotional abuse of my DM. Luckily he left when I was 5 so it wasn't as prolonged as some people. I dont physically remember specific events but my mum has told me of times where I put my baby brother in the corner and sat in front of him so that my D couldn't get to him. Apparently I was 3 which breaks my heart now that I felt I had to be a protector at that age.
This all stayed with me as I grew up very anxious and couldn't let men near me. I would panic and vomit with fear if I got started to get close emotionally to a man. As a result I didn't lose my virginity until I was 28 and even then alcohol was involved.
Im now married to a wonderful man, but it hasn't been smooth sailing as my issues really tested us as a couple. I'll be forever thankful for him, as he's the first person (outside of close family) to 'fight' to keep me in his life. No one ever did that before and I subconsciously didn't believe I was worth fighting for. I still suffer from anxiety and was diagnosed with depression 5 years ago which I take medication for but conversely I am the most content I have ever been.
My dad reached out to my older sister and younger brother but never me, which is sometimes hard and brings back the feeling of rejection, but I try not to think about it mostly. There's nothing he could say to make anything better so it's best if he stays away.

Not quite how to word it really.
On the whole, yes I am OK. Now that is. There have been times where I wasn't in a good way.

Also though, there's things about my childhood that define me to this day, and no matter how much therapy I've had, it's just how it seems to be.

I've had a lot of therapy and I'm okay. I've made sure my own children absolutely have wonderful childhoods and never suffer. That's what pushed me to get through it all.

My childhood was very bad, one of the worst my therapist has said he had seen. But I've managed to hold down a full time job and raise 2 kids with a good home and stability. I recommend therapy to anyone who is going through the struggles of recovering from childhood abuse.

Not really. I look at my friends who had much more normal/ less abusive childhoods and they have certainly ‘done better’ than me by most objective measures - stable relationships, contact with family members, career progression etc.
I struggle a lot and have a failed marriage and a string of other mistakes. I do have a professional job but struggle, quietly, with burnout and imposter syndrome.
I am still in therapy to try and move forward from the nightmares of my past and the flashbacks and insomnia that plague me to this day. Few people would know that I struggle so much or believe what I have experienced. I am blessed with a wonderful friend who truly ‘gets it’ and keeps me company through life. I feel it is what it is at this point and just try and survive week by week, live my life quietly and by making a positive difference where I can.

I suffered sexual abuse (not by my parents, by a stranger) and psychological abuse (alcoholic mother) as a child. Am I ok today as a now-30-something year old woman? It's a really tough question. On a day to day basis yes I am ok. Im a functioning member of society, I'm married, I'm a mother, I've got a good job, homeowner etc. And deep down I know my natural self is to be happy. If you met me you'd see a happy, bubbly, albeit occasionally slightly socially awkward, person. What you wouldn't see is the deep-seated sadness I feel about what happened to me. After therapy I was able to look at my child-self and recognise the awful severity of what had occurred and that it wasnt something to be brushed under the carpet. And that my now-adult self was going to advocate for my past self. I feel much stronger as a result of this and I am no longer afraid. I do see the world in a very cynical way however; Im deeply mistrustful of men unless I know them very well and news stories about abuse/attacks leave me feeling extremely frightened.

Going to the police about being abused also helped me because it gave me a sense that I was not afraid anymore and was viewing this from my now-adult perspective. That has been the biggest driving-force towards feeling better as I know longer feel emotionally "stuck" in my vulnerable child-state of emotions. I agree with other posters that people who experience trauma as children can struggle to get past that emotional state. The feelings of fear and anxiety Ive dealt with over the years have nearly crippled me but I now feel Ive taken hold of them.

(However, the caveat to this is that I am on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication and may be for some time yet).

My parents were drug addicts. I suffered every kind of abuse. I'm the eldest of five siblings and although we have all done really well as adults, we all have mental health issues. One sibling has eating disorder, ones addicted to prescription meds, two with severe depression and anxiety and I am hyper vigilant and anxious. We've all had therapy at some point but there's no denying we will carry what happened to us our whole lives.

My children are adults now, it's had a knock on effect on them too. I didn't know how to give affection and although I love them dearly I know that was hard for them, I was fine to hold cuddle kiss when they were babies but as they turned into teens I'd clam up when they needed a hug. They know about my childhood and understand why I am the way I am. I hope I haven't damaged them

Those of you who had good results with therapy what sort of therapy did you have?

@SafeMove

I am good actually. I suffered a triptych of abuse from a very young age - I was neglected because my mum was 15 when she had me, which led me to not being supervised properly, which led to me being sexually abused, which led me to difficult behaviours (I used to vomit constantly as a younger child, took drugs and self harmed as a teenager, had an eating disorder, got in DV relationships etc, I am textbook) and my Dad, in his frustration, used to hit me a lot, with objects. I was labelled by my family, then the medical profession, school, social workers and eventually the police as the problem. Even though I smashed school, A's at A Level etc, they hated me. I think the trauma of not being believed cut deeper than the abuse tbh.

I have had help from psychiatrists, inpatient and outpatient stays, drugs (including the big hitter legal anti psychotics on top of the illegal class A's) MH nurses, counsellors, rape crisis, EMDR and DV charities. The only thing that has worked is reading and studying the shit out of subjects that related to it. I was in children's safeguarding that helped with realising I was textbook and my reactions were understabdable, I got an MSc in Psychology, am a qualified family therapist and I am doing a PhD related to ACE's. I feel generally I function well and parent fiercely and I am healthy enough in my current relationship. The only hangover I have is sometimes I tell little, white pointless, harmless lies. Still not got to the bottom of that and I am working on it.

You are truly inspiring

D v survivor here
Thankfully my childhood was calm

Childhood completely different to siblings’ (for unusual reasons - distance etc). Had years of coercion, constant ultra domineering behaviour, threats of violence (death) coupled with extreme alcoholism.

I say words like “extreme!” a lot online like here because I don’t think I’ll be believed. Siblings weren’t around and neither was the other parent. No neighbours helped, I think some knew as some would make comments about “the state of her” as if my fault.

So I know have these issues I guess:

• don’t open up to anyone I know in real life, really ever. Once mentioned the alcoholism to one person and they looked super awkward and changed the subject then joked about it once later. Stung at the time. I’m sure most people are great, but (a) can’t be arsed with more responses like that, (b) worse… what if I don’t like pity (argh!!), (c) my family sort of came back together a decade later and their happiness rests on the idea of my parents being nice and me having had a nice time (I think they all feel like maybe things weren’t great but tbh don’t want to know now I’m an adult and would question me about it all as if it happened when I was an adult eg why didn’t you try this and that, as if I didn’t do enough to protect myself).

• I don’t mind talking about it online but anonymously (obv) and would find it exhausting to try and “heal” blah blah. I really REALLY respect those that do, it’s astounding. I can’t even begin to start that.

• I don’t like (as you can tell) revisiting it much. Like episodically I can. But to think of it in one go or series of incidents together, the treatment at the time, how I hid it from school etc… it’s too much.

• I left it really late to have relationships. I’d dip into some casual stuff, but have absolutely no time to guys until mid 20s. I also save money like crazy. I didn’t want to be distracted by anyone until I had security; I won’t give up my financial security to anyone.

• I play it safe with men. Always go for the safe relationship. Hate “drama” in my life. You’ll get knocked down (eg cheating) or be swept off your feet by charm but I have to know I did a good job of trying at least, like know in my heart my childhood didn’t sway me into or away from risk too much. Feeling in denial about that one :)

• I judge others privately SO harshly for their decisions. It’s not their fault… I can see really clearly a series of decisions made by my family members that left me ruined. I see others taking one or some of those steps on these boards and real life. Like… maybe if you haven’t suffered DV as a child, being so out of control and having no support or rights, you’d understand why I want to scream and plead for you to live a different way.

• I understand why suicide seems a safe option. Sometimes life is scarier. Sorry, but that’s the really shit truth for some.

• I’m scared if I had DC they’d have some horrible genetic traits of someone I was truly terrified of. I think I’d think that even if they’re an adorable bouncy baby, I don’t know when I’d feel safe about them.

I am as ok as I can be. I have a very good job and a family of my own, a great husband and good friends but I deal with ongoing PTSD.

There was CSA from my brother towards me and a sister. Mine thankfully was short lived but apparently the abuse of my sister continued for decades. Opening up about the abuse brought out the real underlying toxicity that always existed in the family. My parents are very narcissistic. My siblings and I had been trained to prioritise my parent’s needs and in various ways this has come out in how they all have handled the situation, me too for a long time initially until I reached my limit with their behaviour. I have had a worse time dealing with my family’s reactions or lack of reactions in some case to the abuse than dealing with the abuse itself.

I genuinely believed there was some combination of words I could use to pull my family out of their denial but instead I got very bad PTSD from trying to make sense of their constantly immoral and irrational behaviour. My other siblings consistently tried to push an agenda that it was fine for my parents to push me out of the family so they didn’t have to confront the abuse from my brother and that I needed to just quietly accept and go along with that. It has been difficult navigating with some friends too as they have their own worldview on family and on situations like these and I have found generally people have very limited capacity to deal with situations such as these. Which makes sense as I think we struggle to deal with things that are out of our range of experience.

I have an excellent husband, brilliant friends even the ones who I can’t rely on with this, a really top class therapist who has promised to meet me every 6 weeks until he retires, a long time off, so I will have that constant. I consider myself extremely lucky outside of the abuse I experienced though obviously unlucky in the family I unfortunately got.

Interesting recognising others’ responses… yes to going “oh I’d have been a deceased child”; remembering how it felt to be that child, I could never and never want to be so brave now; am a massive people pleaser and hate confrontation; will just opt out blindly of whole life options to avoid risk (eg having kids); would only have kids if I somehow had lots of cash to the point where they could always escape a bad time; have had flashbacks once or twice and thought I was going to die again with panic attacks. Feel I have a handle on things but won’t progress, but keeps me safe. I know what “a bad life” is and just can’t risk that happening again, whereas I don’t know what “a good life” is to aim for it. As a kid I decided very young I wouldn’t touch drugs, drink, date, would ace school… I massively overachieved and in my 20s had some stability in non-relationship and family areas (and MH). But I’m too scared to play any risk, and lose. So I don’t really live.

Those of you who had good results with therapy what sort of therapy did you have?
The only thing that worked for me, was EMDR therapy

I would say I'm ok some of the time. Other times, very much not ok.

It does help that my mother and I managed to rebuild our relationship, later in my twenties. We're not close, but she's explained her side of things. She grew up in a violent household herself, with a lot of responsibilities.

I don't like talking about my feelings to anyone. I don't think I've ever said what I truly felt to anyone, although I can be honest and upfront. I learned early that anything you say can be used against you at a later date. I was selectively mute as a child. I talk now, but never with trust.

There are some really brave people here. My heart goes out to all of your child selves dealing with this, alone. And actually this discussion has brought up a lot of mostly buried stuff from my own childhood (firmly skewed towards the verbal/emotional end of the spectrum), which I guess is why the horrendous headlines live so long in my memory when I read them.

I had therapy but for recurrent miscarriage (something I feel is so unfair is that these evil people you read about/have experienced in your own lives can have children so easily!) so perhaps it’s time to revisit that. The ‘parenting fiercely’ and with quite a laid back attitude to discipline has really resonated.

I have read all of these moving testimonies which have made me realise how lucky I am to have had a loving and secure childhood. I am full of admiration for all of you: those who have overcome their traumas, those who are still dealing with them, those who are permanently scarred. I admire the fact that those of you with your own children are determined to parent differently. Best wishes to all of you.