Online dating - would you date someone who has no hobbies?

[thefourgp]

I’m giving the online dating another try for my sins. Been messaging a guy for a couple of days and he’s told me that all he does is work and watch tv and he’s looking for someone to inject some fun back into his life. Red flag?

I kind of agree to "give him a chance but not expect too much" if he's attractive in other ways? I think the phrase "inject fun" if used is a bit cringeworthy/ick but not a red flag.

Is he engaged in his job? Maybe if he finishes later and it's a professional career with CPD or further qualifications on top, he just doesn't have time or energy to do anything? Or is a little bit introverted so doesn't like Going Out To Meet New People. Men often are like that a bit more than women.

Realistically, most of the "interesting things" men describe on their profile aren't actually things they are going to be doing "with their dates" so are irrelevant.

If someone has time to meet for coffee or dinner and acts well and is polite and pays you attention in that time, surely that's a bonus? If he's free every weekend and then if you suggest a weekend away and he has time to do that and contributes and is excited by the prospect, that's a good thing.

It doesn't really help me in early dating if a guy is into travel or has a band, or is going away to Zorb or rock-climb with his unay mates as that means less availability?

What's funny is the number of women I met on dating sites that complained about being left at home whilst the ex-hubby or partner was consumed by outside interests.

In my 20-30-early '40s, I had a large circle of friends and numerous hobbies. This can change for many reasons doesn't make the person boring. Maybe his priorities have changed.

Although, single, childless, no relationship count is a red flag especially for an older man.

I wouldn't let this put me off at least meeting the guy. While I can see your point, you don't know nearly enough about him to think there is going to be an issue with him, or that he is dull. You'll only know once you meet him, and you never know, maybe you'd both get on very well so why dismiss him when you don't really know?

Maybe if you ask he might have hobbies and he was trying to be mysterious by saying 'just ask' in the hope it attracts interest, or maybe his hobbies aren't considered 'cool' or attractive so is embarrassed to say in his profile until someone asks. .

On the flip side, I know some people whose partners have hobbies and they hardly see them as they are out at one thing one night and another thing the next... so there are problems when a partner has too many hobbies too.

Personally, if there isn't anything else bothering you about him, I'd give hom a chance and judge the situation once you've met him.

*him

I agree @Frazzledmummy123

Conversely I do think people can exaggerate a bit on their profile - travel or skydiving photos from years ago may be very out of date, forking out for £360 for an “experience” doesn’t really make someone interesting or a good date!

I think character over common interests can work - eg if someone is polite and reliable and open to going to see a film or to an art gallery or a weekend away

that’s surely better than someone managing five activity groups and all the friends and acquaintances and time commitments that involves!

@gannett

He sounds incredibly boring.

I don't really call the things I'm interested in "hobbies" because it's a twee word. They're more part of my lifestyle as a whole - passions that are also intertwined with my career.

But you can be damn sure if someone asked me what I liked doing I'd have a better answer than this "whatever" shrug.

"Watching telly" is actually the giveaway. It tells me nothing. TV contains a vast spectrum of shows. What do you like watching? What are your favourite shows? Why do you like them? Or do you just watch it mindlessly, consuming whatever's on with no thought? And if so, is it because the rest of your life is so busy and interesting that you need to switch your brain off sometimes? Or is it because you're just fucking dull?

You don't need a range of various quirky hobbies to be interesting. You just need to be interesting about what you DO do. Have opinions, have aesthetic tastes, know what you like and why you like it.

I think that's fair -- 'hobbies' is indeed a horrifically twee word and does call up mental images of model railway enthusiasts and fanatic macramé makers with a mad gleam in their eye and a vocabulary so specialist they're incomprehensible to non-hobbyists.

And I think the rest of your post is also right. My enthusiasms are also very bound up with my area of work, and not easily encompassed in a few words without it turning into a treatise, and making me sound maniacal. If you're interesting, you'll be interesting about whatever it is that you like, and sharing an interest is no guarantee of even the mot basic liking. I love opera, but have met my fair share of opera bores ('Oh, it was nothing to Callas in 1968!') who have made me want to put a gun to my head, and 'I like reading' is no guarantee of amity between two people, one of whom likes sci-fi and fantasy and the other of whom is a Thomas Mann fanatic.

Crikey - if I listed my hobbies they’d be few and far between, and are pretty niche so would probably put a lot of men off (and the ones who enjoy my hobbies aren’t the kind of men I’m particularly attracted to in return!). When I was dating around 180 years ago I didn’t ask them what their hobbies were before I went out with them - I met them, decided if I liked them, and if so I met them again.

If you like the look of him then go for a coffee with him - you’ve got nothing to lose. If he turns out to be as dull as dishwater then don’t meet him again.

Yes.

I can't bloody stand men who expect women to entertain them. Why can't he inject some fun into his life himself? What's stopping him? I used to attract a lot of men like this because I had quite an exciting lifestyle with of travel, and I absolutely hated how they almost clung on like parasites. They wanted to come along for the ride but not do any of the 'boring stuff' like making the travel arrangements or choosing a hotel or planning things to do.

What does he have to offer?

The 'Just ask' always puts me off. Like they can't be bothered

@jojogoesbust

The 'Just ask' always puts me off. Like they can't be bothered

It's so entitled. As if they think they're so special that they don't need to give any indication of how compatible you might be or what kind of person they are. Major red flag for arrogance and laziness.

So I asked “I see you’re into watching movies. What kind do you like? Seen any good ones recently? X” and he replied “ I like all sorts to be honest and not realy work been hectic been working away alot so just getting some time back that not stuck in a hotel lol xx ”.

It’s like pulling teeth. This isn’t the guy for me. He doesn’t bring anything interesting to the table.

Yeah that response confirms it. Sounds like he is a work bore.

If he is that uncritical, he probably thought Independence Day and Inception were great movies. /snob

For someone looking for love, he doesn't seem inclined to pull his finger out, does he? Typing a few sentences is clearly too much effort. Poor delicate work-worn lamb, leave him to it.

He sounds unintelligent. Really, by asking that question it’s obvious you’re just trying to draw him out - so by coming back with such a flat response, and not asking you anything back, shows he doesn’t get the point of conversing / communicating . Definitely ditch!

I would meet him for a coffee and see.
My OH dioesn t have "hobbies" as such but is in no way boring.

Goes to gym every day
Reads
Very into interior design and home improvements
Enjoys travelling and eating out etc
Loves films and tv
Great conversations

Not everyone has to be training for a marathon or be a cycling fanatic or something to be interesting.

He doesn't sound very forthcoming, and sounds like he expects you to be the entertainment, and the "fun" provider, whilst making no effort himself! You're right he sounds dull, and lazy, and not like he brings much to the table.

In answer to your original question though, someone having no hobbies wouldn't necessarily put me off. I don't have structured hobbies, but I have things I enjoy in life and am passionate about, and I like trying new things. I think so long as someone is open to new experiences, and has things in life that bring them joy - ie has the right kind of attitude - then I wouldn't mind if they didn't have a specific list of clubs, groups, sports that they attended. Money matters as well, unless it's reading or walking you normally need a bit of cash to have a hobby.

What initially made you want to respond to him? And what are you looking for?

I think your answers to those questions would determine whether his lack of hobbies would end the conversation or not. It's not a red flag, because a red flag implies danger or abuse and this is just potential incompatibility.

That said, I do think sometimes we are too quick to assume someone is incompatible on the basis of one thing we read or one thing we hear. We often say men treat online dating like a sweet shop but I think women do too - it feels like there are so many dates out there that if you find something you're not head over heels about you just keep looking. When actually sometimes the thing you're not sure about might not turn out to be such a big deal.

A good friend of mine told me that, if you're looking for a long term or life partner, and you're serious about meeting someone to settle down rather than just dating, you should go on three dates with a guy before you make up your mind he's not for you. Obviously if there are any real red flags or you feel unsafe or anything like that, the rule doesn't apply. But for the guy who you meet and think 'eh, he's nice but I don't know', give him three dates. I think it's good advice personally.

As someone else said “grey flag”.

What a waste of a life. I ended up marrying one who’d claimed to have loads of hobbies. Great thought I, because I was so busy doing my own stuff.

He didn’t

He liked sitting in the TV and eating junk food like a fucking zombie before bed, work, repeat.

And if that wasn’t bad enough? He wanted me to sit ok the sofa next to him having my brain rot and slowly dying of ennui.

Fuck that shit off, he sounds like a tedious plebeian destined to suck any joy out of your life.

As for those of you who claim you “only like walks”, bet you at least stop to look at the view/interesting tree/try new paths. That’s a million miles away from a tv bore.

@YerAWizardHarry

Can’t win on mumsnet every second thread is women moaning about their husbands obsession with cycling

Obsessive cycling is different. MAMILS are entitled tossers who think they've worked hard all week so deserve to go off cycling all weekend leaving their wives yet again to manage the children, home, cooking, admin, in-laws etc all unpaid, without a break, because they don't see their wives as of equal status, if they even notice they are humans with needs not service bots.

@thefourgp

So I asked “I see you’re into watching movies. What kind do you like? Seen any good ones recently? X” and he replied “ I like all sorts to be honest and not realy work been hectic been working away alot so just getting some time back that not stuck in a hotel lol xx ”.

It’s like pulling teeth. This isn’t the guy for me. He doesn’t bring anything interesting to the table.

He sounds a bit thick, to be honest. I wouldn't be able to tolerate this.

Sounds awful, I think tried to date a woman with no hobbies or past times or real interests, I would think she was dull or boring or a bit thick as PP suggests.

There's discarding people lightly and there's not wasting three dates on a person who's unable to hold a conversation.

I did to be fair have 3 video calls with bf before we actually met up, because the first week was still partial lockdown, but mainly because we had so much to say to each other we couldn't stop talking. We had the video calls to look at each other and because messaging was getting very laborious because there was so much to say.

So he's expecting to just be passive whilst you "inject fun into his life"?

He sounds like a bit of a bystander - wouldn't be for me.

Even if he's not actively pursuing any hobbies/ interests at the moment because work is busy, I'd expect someone who is actively dating to be saying more about his interests in life than work and TV.

"lol" also winds me up as it's so vague and lacks expression, but that's a personal pet peeve!

Oh god. He sounds like me! Although I would make more of an effort than that. If someone asked me what movies I liked I'd at least try to think of one! For the record I love Denis Villeneuve films (Arrival, Blade Runner 2049, Sicario) and am really looking forward to seeing Dune once my Covid like (but not Covid) cough clears up. Is that a better answer?

@thefourgp - you sound more patient than some women I've chatted to. It's tough but I wouldn't be wasting any more time pulling teeth with that guy. But don't ghost him 🙄

I am separated with a young child so I'm ghosted so much I'm surprised I have a reflection when I look in the mirror some days.

@thefourgp

All your choice still (you can drop anyone for any reason you like it's your date time) but personally don't see the issue with that message?

Why not try for a video call or a phone call as then you can see what his actual communication style is?

If he looks physically unattractive, or other red flags or is unreliable or flaky or overly pushy sexually then I'd drop him.

Personally, I got a bit fed-up of writing complicated/trying-to-impress chat messages (given the flake/drop-out rate on online dating apps) so I communicate a bit like he does now.

I keep my messages short, use "lols" and don't engage in detailed chats before I meet people.

In real life, I'm very open to new things - I go for weekends away, I see art, I do sports, I try new food and watch new things....but I just don't want to be "doing the hard sell on text" to people before I meet them?