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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Red flags?

40 replies

Cdw2m · 26/10/2021 21:16

Backstory, early 30s, had a horrible abusive marriage but thankfully got me and my dc through the divorce, worked on myself and was in a good place. Because of past abusive relationship (and growing up in an abusive household) I'm unsure what is/isnt normal so could use some advice about new relationships (single for over 2 years prior to this) I'll try be brief!

Seeing someone for 9/10 months now. Things are going well in many respects, hes met my dc, my parents, my friends. I'm a homeowner (he isnt) so spending time together is always at my house.
I haven't met anyone from his life, he close with his family, sees his friends regularly but I've never met any of them. I've asked and said it bothers me but he assures me they know of me and he isnt keeping me secret (initially he was because he was worried about being judged for starting something during lockdown back in early 2021) but its always that I will meet them in the not too distant future. I've brought it up a few times and have now somewhat given up mentioning because it feels awkward now.
There are a couple of things that make me think hes perhaps ashamed of me. I'm a single parent (nothing wrong with that but there is still a stigma for some) and his ex was stunning (I'm distinctly average on a good day) and feeling like I'm being kept secret has really started to impact on my self esteem

Any advice what to do?

OP posts:

Theuniverseandeverything · 27/10/2021 10:31

So he wouldn’t even spend Christmas Day with you, preferring to spend it with ‘family’ when he has no children? Big alarm bells there.

IsThePopeCatholic · 27/10/2021 11:05

Just want to wish you all the best .

Salayes · 27/10/2021 11:19

Sorry he has not worked out, he’s definitely hiding something, it’s extremely odd you’ve never even been inside his house and he’s cagey about Xmas like this. The social media thing is weird as well. It’s just too much secrecy and behaviour that doesn’t add up.

Bluebells34 · 27/10/2021 11:42

Does he still live at home and how old is he? It would be pretty soul destroying to spend xmas eve with him and be alone on xmas day. Sounds like he wants to keep you totally seprate from his family unit

WhoppingBigBackside · 27/10/2021 11:47

My guess is that he is married or living with someone

Bookworm20 · 27/10/2021 11:56

The Christmas thing is a bit odd, and thats on top of everything else you've said. You've been together 9/10 months, surely if hes been single for the last 2 years his family would be delighted to meet his new GF who is making him happy, no?

He is definitely hiding you if he hasn't introduced you to anyone, i'm sorry. For what reason, only he knows.

But I do know that if a friend of mine had split with a long term partner 2 years ago and was now seeing someone new I'd be really happy for them and want to meet this person. So I think that tells you that he hasn't actually told anyone about you as surely they would be asking to meet you too? Or hes still holding onto getting back with the ex? Maybe when hes out with friends, is she there too? How often is he out with friends without you op?

And spending xmas eve at yours and then buggering off for xmas day with his familly is really shit. And just feels like hes using you when it suits him. No consideration for you in there at all, leaving you on your own on xmas day until the DC come back.

The fact also you haven't been in his house. Why haven't you been to his house?

Sorry, yes there are alot of red flags here.

Men anonymise their partners only when they are thinking there is a chance with someone else or they don't want people to know they are with someone, in which case, why not!

Triffid1 · 27/10/2021 11:57

@Triffid1 funnily enough I'd mentioned Christmas and that this year it was my kids dads turn to have them christmas eve until mid afternoon Christmas day. He had suggested staying with me Christmas eve and then getting up Christmas morning and then going straight off to see his family and spend the day with them. I wasnt really sure what to make of that but it didnt feel right.

Mmm, yup, he's hiding something. Either a long-term girlfriend who he doesn't live with (because it seems unlikely that someone you live with would be okay with you not being with them on Christmas Eve unless he has the kind of job where trips away is normal?) or he does in fact have children and doesn't want you to know for some reason. I mean, what boyfriend, knowing their girlfriend is away from her DC for Christmas, doesn't include her in his family plans!? Even if he's not lying to you, this would tell me 100% that this man is NOT a keeper.

I'm sort of surprised you can't do some snooping. But either way, he's not worth it so I'd tosss this one back into the sea OP.

Dragongirl10 · 27/10/2021 12:04

what l would say op is that even though this relationship has reached the end, you have come a long way, you have watched for red flags, noted them, asked for advice, and been strong enough to say no this is not good enough.

That is huge, well done

Only thing for the future l would not let anyone meet your dcs for a lot longer...

Bluebells34 · 27/10/2021 12:38

On the Christmas issue my ex's family were really precious about their 'family traditions' and I actually felt like an unwelcomed intruder and hated the whole experience

Triffid1 · 27/10/2021 13:39

@Bluebells34

On the Christmas issue my ex's family were really precious about their 'family traditions' and I actually felt like an unwelcomed intruder and hated the whole experience

well, I'd consider that a red flag in itself quite frankly. If family traditions cannot expand to accommodate new family members, then they're not worth much to my mind.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 27/10/2021 13:53

You haven't met any of his friends or family?

He won't add you to social media because he still has photos of his ex allover it?

You've never been invited into his house?

Ref flags red flags RED FLAGS.

I think he's in a relationship with someone else. Maybe his ex, maybe z
someone else. But end it today and look after yourself and your DC. Please.

Theuniverseandeverything · 27/10/2021 15:23

The obvious answer is he’s still with the ‘ex,’ at least in some capacity.

LizzieSiddal · 27/10/2021 15:55

Dragongirl10

That is huge, well done

Very much agree with Dragon. Don’t be hard on yourself, you should be pleased you’ve recognised this relationship is not right.

LizzieSiddal · 27/10/2021 15:58

And it really doesn’t matter why he won’t spend Xmas day with you or let you on his social media. There are 101 possible reasons which are his issue, you don’t need to worry yourself about them.

Dozer · 28/10/2021 08:06

‘ not ready’ to go through and remove pictures of them together from social media, two years post break up? Ridiculous!

Wouldn’t bother meeting up for ‘the talk’: would just end it by phone. The way he has treated you is shit. Don’t waste ANY more of your child free time with the loser, even to break up.

Yes, don’t date again until you’ve worked more on your ‘bar’. You’ve made some poor choices continuing this relationship after shit treatment.

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