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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Red flags?

40 replies

Cdw2m · 26/10/2021 21:16

Backstory, early 30s, had a horrible abusive marriage but thankfully got me and my dc through the divorce, worked on myself and was in a good place. Because of past abusive relationship (and growing up in an abusive household) I'm unsure what is/isnt normal so could use some advice about new relationships (single for over 2 years prior to this) I'll try be brief!

Seeing someone for 9/10 months now. Things are going well in many respects, hes met my dc, my parents, my friends. I'm a homeowner (he isnt) so spending time together is always at my house.
I haven't met anyone from his life, he close with his family, sees his friends regularly but I've never met any of them. I've asked and said it bothers me but he assures me they know of me and he isnt keeping me secret (initially he was because he was worried about being judged for starting something during lockdown back in early 2021) but its always that I will meet them in the not too distant future. I've brought it up a few times and have now somewhat given up mentioning because it feels awkward now.
There are a couple of things that make me think hes perhaps ashamed of me. I'm a single parent (nothing wrong with that but there is still a stigma for some) and his ex was stunning (I'm distinctly average on a good day) and feeling like I'm being kept secret has really started to impact on my self esteem

Any advice what to do?

OP posts:

LivingTheLifeofMum · 26/10/2021 21:22

I was in a similar situation. I wouldn't have introduced him to your DC until you'd met his parents, personally.

Yes 9/10 months and not having met any of his close family is a 🚩

How often do you see each other.

RosiePosieDozy · 26/10/2021 21:22

He's not that into you. Sorry but that's my guess. For whatever reason, he doesn't like you enough to introduce you to his 'circle'.

My other thought is: do these family and friends really exist? Could he be pretending these people exist as he's embarrassed to not have any friends or family? Also did you actually know the ex?

category12 · 26/10/2021 21:28

He's met everyone in your life and hangs out at your place, and you've met noone on his side.

Do you go out together? Is it literally him coming to your place, getting his meals cooked and the home comforts and that's it?

ArseulaUndressed · 26/10/2021 21:29

Red flag for me.

It sounds like all the commitment and investment type moves have been yours…

Whatever his reason are it is extremely unlikely that he is ashamed for you, and it’s crap that he’s making you feel this way. More likely he doesn’t want to fully commit and by keeping you at arms length he can detach very easily.

You say you’ve stopped bringing it up because of how he reacts. I read somewhere on another thread that when we modify our behaviour because we want to avoid a certain reaction that this is a sign of abuse. He’s training you to do as he wants.

Sorry, OP, but if he’s not bringing himself fully to the table, with family etc, at this stage I think it’s unlikely he ever will.

I think deep down you know he won’t make you happy. Listen to your gut x

Fireflygal · 26/10/2021 21:32

Listen to your instincts - there will be a reason and it won't be positive.

I would step right back, you can't build on this without him opening his life to you. Who he is could be revealed when with family and friends.

samesign · 26/10/2021 21:32

Have you been to his house? I would stop him coming round so often, start dating again, go to his some of the time, be careful he isn't just using you to chill round yours without any effort or other commitments.

TheFoundations · 26/10/2021 23:32

There is no definitive list of red flags. There are the obvious ones, which you can find listed if you google 'abusive behaviour', but additionally, you will have your own.

You are looking for an external locus of evaluation; you want to know if he's 'broken the rules' or not, or if he's 'wrong' or not. If he's normal or not. This is the behaviour that got you into an abusive marriage. The abuse didn't mess up your ability to recognise 'normal'; your feeling that you need to recognise 'normal' messed up your ability to find a healthy relationship.

And it's about to happen again.

Don't look for 'normal'. There are thousands of ways to be, thousands of spectrums of behaviour. There is no 'right' or 'wrong' (beyond laws)

What you need to look for is 'happy', 'comfortable', 'secure', 'content', 'safe' etc. Think about how you want to feel in a relationship. Judge whether to stay in the relationship according to whether it makes you feel like that.

Is this guy consistently making you feel the way you want to feel? It doesn't sound like it. 'Normal' is irrelevant. What difference will it make if you got 100 responses saying 'yup, he's normal!': Would you stay with him, even though you're unsettled by the way he treats you and makes you feel? That's the thought process that abusers rely on.

Bluebells34 · 27/10/2021 08:21

May be he is departmentalising your relationship and does not want to do the whole 'family' thing. Maybe he is ashamed of his family ? I avoid introducing anyone to my father as he is so abrupt and not politically correct - every time I used to introduce anyone the relationship fell apart. Build on your relationship and try not to over think about meeting his family

Brightmagic2021 · 27/10/2021 08:25

Is he open about you on social media? Do you get the impression he is proud to be with you? I would at least expect to have met a couple of friends, if not his parents.

Whydidimarryhim · 27/10/2021 08:29

Have you been to his place?
Is he definitely separated?
10 months is a long time.
Do you go out together to places you can be seen?
I’d be concerned he’s not serious.

MoneyMachine · 27/10/2021 08:34

I am in the same place OP, 8/9 months in, single parent, and it is all at my place, it looks like he doesn’t want to let me into his life now.

@TheFoundations such a good advice. I felt happy, safe, etc. until a point

OP Perhaps we could PM and support each other through this?

Original poster

Cdw2m · 27/10/2021 08:47

Thank you all for your comments and advice, it's really helpful.

Just to expand on a few things, I haven't been to his house, dropped him off there once before but not been in.
He seems proud of his family/friends, talks about them quite freely
We do go out places together but then it's always back to mine.
He wont add me on social media - this is something that I've spoken to him about and he says it's because he still has pictures of him and his ex all over his social media and doesn't want me to be upset seeing them all(?) But he doesn't feel up to going through and deleting the pictures. I told him that there was no need to delete the pictures, his previous relationship is part of his history and it really doesn't bother me. But still he wont add me.

What I think confused me the most is that he has said that he loves me and wants to marry me/have children with me. He brought this up unprompted by me and says it quite often.

OP posts:

Original poster

Cdw2m · 27/10/2021 08:51

I dont think that hes cheating/seeing someone else too because of how often were in touch and if I call him without warning he will always answer. Replies to messages, speak on the phone for a long time on the evenings etc. Nothing signals to me that hes seeing someone else

OP posts:

LizzieSiddal · 27/10/2021 08:52

Not met any of his friends or family AND he won’t add you on his social media?

Huge red fags. (Are you sure he isn’t in another relationship?)

I’d finish with him, anyone who can do that to someone they profess to live, is not telling the truth about that love. Sorry but he’s bullshitting.

Dozer · 27/10/2021 08:52

Words are cheap. His actions say something very different.

No way should he have met your DC when he won’t introduce you to anyone in his life!

Him renting / living in shared housing was/is no reason for you not to spend time there!

Wouldn’t continue dating him, and if you do wouldn’t have him over to yours any more than you go to his, and would reduce to him having minimal or no contact with your DC.

LizzieSiddal · 27/10/2021 08:53

*love

Dozer · 27/10/2021 08:53

‘Doesn’t feel up to’ editing his social media pictures?

Brightmagic2021 · 27/10/2021 08:54

Why does he have his ex all over social media? How long ago did they split up? Does he have children?

Bluebells34 · 27/10/2021 08:56