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Original poster

Tinder date-red flag?

37 replies

Slimerecipehell · 26/10/2021 21:11

Had been chatting to someone on Tinder, arranged a date Sun, was very safe etc etc. Nice bloke, got on really well. Next morning, I had a Facebook friend request from him, he didn’t even know my surname so presumably has somehow searched me out! I do know I’m extra sensitive when it comes to things like this as my ex husband stalked me for quite some time after I threw him out, that’s another story…
Am I being over paranoid that he’s not just been a bit nosey and found me,but then sent me a friend request after one date?

OP posts:
LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 26/10/2021 21:14

Did you exhannge phone numbers?

RosiePosieDozy · 26/10/2021 21:16

Yes, that is weird.

How could he even have found you on Facebook without your surname? Searched your first name and job?

I know a lot of people do this Facebook stalking. What's weird is that he's done the stalking and then thought it not weird to make you aware of it. He could have added you by accident.

I don't think I would break things off yet if you had a good date. I would outright ask him how he found you on Facebook without knowing your surname.

Sakurami · 26/10/2021 21:17

Phone numbers?

PanicBuyingSprouts · 26/10/2021 21:18

If you swapped phone numbers, it will be that.

SantasLittleHoHoHo · 26/10/2021 21:32

All the apps link up and suggest friends based on who you contact / spend time with! I've had fb suggest people to add as friends (who I don't have the number for or mutual friends with) from work, because it sees you're spending time in the same location together! It's weird I know!

If he has your number, contacts sync with fb and you'll become a suggested friend.

Mermaidwaves · 26/10/2021 21:34

Have you whatsapped him? I used to.find some of the fellas I chatted to on Whattsap would come up as friends I might know on facebook. This was actually useful as it would weed out the Britain First brigade or the unfunny boob related meme posters.

fumfspos · 26/10/2021 21:35

I don't know if it's weird really. I meet a lot of new people through musical activities and very often people friend me on facebook after meeting once. Maybe he's used to doing things like that with non-date new people and didn't think anything of it.
Facebook will have thrown you up as a friend suggestion and he's just clicked on it. He might have thought you'd been looking at his profile because AFAIK if you look at someone's profile the algorithm then puts you as a friend suggestion for the other person.

You don't have to friend him if you don't feel comfortable. You can just tell him you don't friend people on social media after the first date.

ArseulaUndressed · 26/10/2021 21:37

I think it will be phone number as pp have said.

It would put me off as it tells me he’s not affording you your privacy in these early stages. Could be a sign of lack of boundary awareness.

I say this as from experience on tinder, guys who fb friend request really quickly have repeatedly failed to “listen,” and want too much too soon in other respects.

Anecdotal obvs but worth a watch

Original poster
Slimerecipehell · 26/10/2021 21:38

Yes we had chatted on WhatsApp, but I have my number blocked on FB. Maybe I came up as a suggested friend through chatting somehow. Just seems a bit over familiar to friend request me, but everyone’s different I suppose.
I have just asked him politely how he found me on FB. No other bad vibes so I’ll maybe wait and see what he replies with.

OP posts:
Notashandyta · 26/10/2021 21:41

You had a date which presumably went well, and now he's adding you as a friend on Facebook?

What's wrong with that?

LividLaVidaLoca · 26/10/2021 21:42

Look, before our first (Tinder) date I’d stalked DH’s LinkedIn, Twitter and listened to his podcast.

He didn’t even know I knew his surname at that point.

I put that under Due Diligence before I date someone (once found a news report on a guy I was talking to online about being arrested for selling class As in a pub…).

Once I got to know him well enough I fessed up and we were married within six months.

Your guy’s problem is actually adding you so soon, rather than doing a casual snidey stalk!

SweetBabyCheeses99 · 26/10/2021 21:57

I used to do a full Catfish search on everyone before I went out on a date! It was very useful - probably more so than what people actually tell you. Off the top of my head I weeded out at least a couple of guys who’d lied about their age by quite a few years (why?!) and one who was quite obviously still with his wife!

Original poster
Slimerecipehell · 26/10/2021 22:08

@Notashandyta

You had a date which presumably went well, and now he's adding you as a friend on Facebook?

What's wrong with that?

Nothing ‘wrong’ with it as such, maybe just find it a bit over familiar and too soon? I’m not someone that adds people after meeting them once.
OP posts:
Original poster
Slimerecipehell · 26/10/2021 22:10

He said I just came up as a suggested friend. Then another message to say he would have had to have known my surname to friend request me and won’t be offended if I don’t accept.
Oh yes I’d done some background research to make sure he was who he said he was.
Maybe I’m just a little too on my guard!

OP posts:
Original poster
Slimerecipehell · 26/10/2021 22:12

@SweetBabyCheeses99

I used to do a full Catfish search on everyone before I went out on a date! It was very useful - probably more so than what people actually tell you. Off the top of my head I weeded out at least a couple of guys who’d lied about their age by quite a few years (why?!) and one who was quite obviously still with his wife!
Absolutely! Same here, why do they think they’ll get away with a wife or being 20yrs older! 😂
OP posts:
DdraigGoch · 26/10/2021 22:13

I certainly search out a would-be date's Facebook profile. Helps to identify the ones who aren't being entirely honest on their profile.

Adding someone after a first date might be a bit forward, but I wouldn't panic just yet.

MoirasWigStand · 26/10/2021 22:15

WhatsApp is owned by Facebook. Even if your number is blocked on fb, it still links it. I used to get quite a few friend suggestions of blokes I was chatting to on WhatsApp.

Yummypumpkin · 26/10/2021 22:15

It wouldn't be for me. A friend in FB can find out loads about you...your friends, family, ex partners, employer, so so much info.

A guy with any sensitivity and a normal sized ego wouldn't expect to be given all this.

I would not countenance this. He's taking the piss.

TheFoundations · 26/10/2021 22:17

If somebody does something that makes you wonder if it's a red flag after one date, walk away. Your job isn't to 'get it right' and behave well according to some set of rules. Your job is to be responsible for your own feelings, and to respond in a way that respects your feelings.

The right person for you won't have you pondering on red flags. It's not about who is right/wrong/odd/normal; it's about what you like, what you enjoy, what makes you smile.

Winniemarysarah · 26/10/2021 22:21

If you’ve chatted to him on WhatsApp then he has access to whatever name you have registered for it. I do a lot of research on people and the first thing I try for info is to find them on WhatsApp. I only need their mobile number for this. I’ll put their mobile number into my phone and add them to my contacts with any name I want to make up for them. I then go onto WhatsApp and type in the name I’ve made up, if they’ve got a WhatsApp profile then it gets pulled up and then I’ve got all their WhatsApp details including their real name. On a more serious note, why are you dating people who you don’t even want to give your last name to??

Original poster
Slimerecipehell · 26/10/2021 22:22

@TheFoundations

If somebody does something that makes you wonder if it's a red flag after one date, walk away. Your job isn't to 'get it right' and behave well according to some set of rules. Your job is to be responsible for your own feelings, and to respond in a way that respects your feelings.

The right person for you won't have you pondering on red flags. It's not about who is right/wrong/odd/normal; it's about what you like, what you enjoy, what makes you smile.

What a very lovely, wise response. X
OP posts:
Original poster
Slimerecipehell · 26/10/2021 22:27

@Winniemarysarah

If you’ve chatted to him on WhatsApp then he has access to whatever name you have registered for it. I do a lot of research on people and the first thing I try for info is to find them on WhatsApp. I only need their mobile number for this. I’ll put their mobile number into my phone and add them to my contacts with any name I want to make up for them. I then go onto WhatsApp and type in the name I’ve made up, if they’ve got a WhatsApp profile then it gets pulled up and then I’ve got all their WhatsApp details including their real name. On a more serious note, why are you dating people who you don’t even want to give your last name to??
Because on a first date, I had no idea how it would go and don’t feel the need to give out my surname which would then enable someone to find out about me , via my profession etc. It may not go anywhere so don’t want to give out personal information yet.
OP posts:
Heruka · 26/10/2021 22:31

Yes agree Foundations response is helpful. I’d really not like this although I’ve never been on FB so appreciate this could be normal etiquette for some. But the main thing is this is giving you a question at a very early stage.

me4real · 26/10/2021 22:37

Re PP's responses- if you don't like people being able to search you via phone number on there, I think you can remove that option.

@Slimerecipehell It would unnerve me, too, bit stalkery.

Winniemarysarah · 26/10/2021 23:13

I disagree with your way of thinking. Do you not research the people you’re going out on dates with? No way would I go on a date with a man without knowing any of his personal information apart from his first name. Second name is definitely a must because I’d make a point of checking him out on google/social media before meeting up with him. I’d also not date someone where the online/phone conversations hadn’t even moved past what profession he’s in. I think it’s a bit bizarre people are thinking he’s a potential creep or stalker because he’s (probably) seen your name on WhatsApp so looked you up on fb and sent a friend request. It’s a normal thing to do when you’re interested in someone