Really just need some help - day to day becoming untenable with abusive dh

[yellowpigeons]

Hi,
I have posted about my abusive marriage before, which I've only just realised is abusive. We have two little kids. I feel constantly on edge at home, had a breakdown in the summer, and have now started therapy, and am trying to find a way to think through what to do next. I feel the pressure will be on the moment I get home.

I desperately feel like I want to stall for time to think things through, to attend therapy a little longer, to make decisions that are right for me in the right way. However my husband is trying to get me to agree to new things all the time, things that further enmesh us in the future, and there seems no way to take a pause. If I say no he will be angry all week and if I say yes I get further tied to someone I might leave. The atmosphere in the house is acrimonious and he does not ask how I am or care that I am falling apart. I really didn't want this to affect half term, I wanted some peace, but he is waiting for me to discuss the next thing (some investments).

Does anyone know how to just stall or pause someone like this without them launching a spiteful counter-attack? I just need peace and quiet to rebuild my sanity, not the huge row of a breakup or anything right now.

I just need a pause to work it all out. No family support.

you wont get the space you need with him, thats clear to me

what are your plans to leave? housing? finances?

I'm not in any place to work it out - I'm literally on the edge of a breakdown.

Are you staying somewhere out of your home for your therapy? Just because you mention "the moment you get home".

No, just that I am at work.

Unfortunately life doesn’t pause. I suggest ringing womens aid or similar so they can help you make a plan to leave. Do you have any friends who can support you practically?

Can you take a few days off work but don't tell your husband, and "go to work" at the usual time but actually go somewhere calm where you can take some time to yourself?

I think the only thing you can do if you are not ready to leave him just yet is to keep being non-committal and refuse to agree to anything.

Simply keep repeating stock phrases like I'm not really in a position to think about that at the moment. As you know, I'm trying to focus on my health and well being. I'll let you know when I'm able to discuss it.

Keep refusing to be drawn on anything. Keep repeating that you aren't prepared to make a decision on anything at the moment. If you are able to I'd tell him the more you push me the less I feel able to agree to any new plans. If you want to be helpful then you need to stop pushing

Grey rock him. Don't get upset, don't get angry, just refuse to engage.

I could do @AssassinatedBeauty - I have done a lot over the past months and as a result I am in trouble at work and behind :-(

I've been so miserable

I am dreading trying to speak to him later. Nothing he says is sincere, it's all fake.

I would suggest that the main reason you’re having problems with executive function is precisely because of the situation you’re living in. It’s a bit of a catch 22 situation but leaving is like ripping off a plaster - you just need to whip it off rather than peeing it slowly.

@MadMadMadamMim

I think the only thing you can do if you are not ready to leave him just yet is to keep being non-committal and refuse to agree to anything.

Simply keep repeating stock phrases like I'm not really in a position to think about that at the moment. As you know, I'm trying to focus on my health and well being. I'll let you know when I'm able to discuss it.

Keep refusing to be drawn on anything. Keep repeating that you aren't prepared to make a decision on anything at the moment. If you are able to I'd tell him the more you push me the less I feel able to agree to any new plans. If you want to be helpful then you need to stop pushing

Grey rock him. Don't get upset, don't get angry, just refuse to engage.

He doesn't accept this kind of thing unfortunately. He will make mine and the kids' lives hell. Other times when I've refused he will even go so far as causing a huge scene leaving & upsetting everyone rather than respecting my peace.

Has he tried to tell you that your mental health means you are an unfit mother? That will be an untruth if he's tried that old trick. You could take your kids and go to a refuge for headspace. I bet your mental health improves away from him. Speak to Woman's Aid - they can guide you through your options.

He will say whatever comes to hand to get his way/control. I don't want to go to a refuge and leave the cat and all our stuff. I have to admit I feel awful though and very on the edge. Sick, really.

I haven't read your other threads - but please, ring women's aid. Am not in your country but you need more intensive support. Call the shelter, they can support you to take it one step at a time & get yourself out of there. I once had to up & leave my home & go into hiding. The shelter helped in ways I couldn't have imagined.

I would recommend in an abusive situation where you need to buy time - act dumb, act vague, appear to be constantly confused.

Can you verbally agree to what he wants & make plans to leave anyway? Don't challenge or incite them, appear to be compliant & agreeable.

Is there some space you can take to do any self care? Soak in the bath, something the help you unwind & have time to have a moment to yourself so you can think, or switch off.

Sorry you're going through this OP

What can he be asking you to commit to that you can't get out of. Barring some kind of loan in your name , I'm sure you could just say yes to keep him quite and hopefully leave before you follow through

@MadMadMadamMim I don't mean to sound harsh but have you actually been in an abusive relationship?

What you describe is not grey rocking. That's being combative & pushing the abuser into a corner.

Shocking advice for someone in OP's situation.

Do not remind the abuser you're in therapy working through your issues - the abuser knows any therapist worth their salt could uncover that the abuser is the problem

I'd be more inclined to start saying the therapist is hopeless & you're thinking of dropping them altogether.

OR say how helpful the therapist has been to put your issues into perspective & make you see life isn't so bad at all

Please think before you give advice & how that can impact someone in a seriously abusive situation.

Love, when I went to a refuge (different country) they offered to pay for my pet to go to RSPCA boarding.

You're having a nervous breakdown. You need support, this is what they do, help women escape. Help with perceived obstacles to leave.

Could you send the cat to a friend or boarding if you have access to money & pretend they must have run away?

Know how hard it is to think clearly or strategically in your situation. But that's why refuges will assist with all these things that appear to be insurmountable.

You need to assess if "stuff" is more important than your peace / sanity.

It's likely his presence that is making you so confused and as pp said, you won't have a clear head until you have left him.

Keep having therapy and talking these issues through with them.

In the meantime, can you start taking small steps towards getting yourself free? Seek some legal advice so you know where you would stand if you split (also regarding anything legal your husband is asking you to sign up to). Think about your housing and work situations, and how childcare might work. You will be able to solve some problems in your head so they don't feel like quite the same hurdles they did.

Do you have IRL support - somewhere you could stay?

I am trying to think about all these situations but I am in such a state and doing so badly at work that it’s impossible to get the space to begin.

They deliberately don't low for pause because they are attempting to break you and so giving you any kind of space would not be conducive to that goal.

Don't try to talk to him. Everything you say will just be used as amo against you. Grey Rock technique is not always good tactic but may be of use for a short while.

There is I believe, an organisation that take cats for women who are in refuges. Might be worth googling.

You should also talk to your hr department at work and tell them what is going on. That might help take the pressure off a bit.

Therapy is not going to take you very far if you stay with him.

*allow for

First up, I would have a meeting with your manager and explain what's going on, that you know you are failing but the situation is why and you need some support.

That should take the pressure off you in that respect. Then you need to start getting a plan together with support from outside agencies. Vent on here too- we will all help you op.

Op, it is far more difficult to take the decision to leave than dealing with the consequences of it.

You are so overwhelmed because you are trying to factor in the needs if everyone plus keeping an abusive man happy to avoid being mistreated.

Once you take the abusive man out of the immediate equation things will become much easier to deal with.

You are working, believe me, you and your kids will have a much happier life living on a single salary than having to deal with domestic abuse day in day out.

Tell your boss, family and friends what is going on, calculate entitlement to universal credit at entitledto.org.uk(or co.uk) and start planning your exit ASAP. Don’t wait for things to be perfect, the more you wait the more difficult it will become to untangle yourself from this man and relationship,

Sweetheart, you may well have to go to a refuge with the kids. It will give you eventual peace. Can you separate your finances? I know he makes you suffer if you don’t agree to investment etc, but if you do, it creates further ties which will be a nightmare to untangle.

Women’s aid helped me with my cats
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