Really just need some help - day to day becoming untenable with abusive dh

[yellowpigeons]

Hi,
I have posted about my abusive marriage before, which I've only just realised is abusive. We have two little kids. I feel constantly on edge at home, had a breakdown in the summer, and have now started therapy, and am trying to find a way to think through what to do next. I feel the pressure will be on the moment I get home.

I desperately feel like I want to stall for time to think things through, to attend therapy a little longer, to make decisions that are right for me in the right way. However my husband is trying to get me to agree to new things all the time, things that further enmesh us in the future, and there seems no way to take a pause. If I say no he will be angry all week and if I say yes I get further tied to someone I might leave. The atmosphere in the house is acrimonious and he does not ask how I am or care that I am falling apart. I really didn't want this to affect half term, I wanted some peace, but he is waiting for me to discuss the next thing (some investments).

Does anyone know how to just stall or pause someone like this without them launching a spiteful counter-attack? I just need peace and quiet to rebuild my sanity, not the huge row of a breakup or anything right now.

Contact women's aid they will help x

@yellowpigeons so sorry to hear about the pressure you're under. What is it that he's trying to get you to agree on?
My dh talks about investment properties and interest rates all the time and because I know how long those things can/will take, I just nod along and let it fizzle out. If I'm met with a piece of paper to sign, then I'll probably say I'm not sure I want to do that.

It's so hard when your partner doesn't respect your boundaries.. I've been listening to Dr Ramani on YouTube a lot, and getting some silent inner confidence through that. I feel like I'm beginning to know what I'm dealing with and feel like I'm watching the storm from the outside, rather than being in it, if you see what I mean.

Agree to new things like what? I think it makes a difference what it is.

I agree you tell work and/or go off sick with stress and pretend to go to work.

Sort something out for the cat and go to a refuge.

I think you are at the point your sanity needs to leave with the DC.

I think the PP who said go off sick at work (after telling your boss what is happening and why you have not been 'on the ball' at work), and then continuing to pretend to go to work, might be the only way you can get a little 'breathing space'.

It's not in his interests to give you time or space to think or regroup. He knows that instinctively, and anyway he wants what he wants right now, however you feel about it.

You really need to take that leap out of the marriage.

If he has the ability to do so, he might just go ahead with the investments without your agreement if he loses what passes for patience.

While therapy is great in the long term, it can often bring up emotions and triggers which make things harder to deal with in the short term. And it's rather like you nailing on planks of wood at one side of your boat, while your dh is busily crowbarring them out at the other side. Great if it's got you to the point of recognising what's going on in your marriage, but it can't get you much further while you're still in it.

Practically, could you go sick from work or take a leave of absence, (or would that be worse, is he home all the time?)

Could you go away for a few days, a week for a breather?

Hi op going off sick will be the answer for a few weeks to give you space. I’m sorry you are going through this. Ive been there.They addle your brain - I used to be so exhausted and was grateful when he went to work so I had a break.
Can you see your GP - are you on any meds - an antidepressant may help for a while.
You may have a local women’s aid you can call.
If you’ve worked in your job for over two years you will be able to be protected and keep your job if you go off sick.
Do you have any family support or friends you can lean on.
Has he ever been violent to you or does he threaten you?
You could go to the police if he’s recently done anything?
Talk to your GP and let work know if it feels safe to do so.
He’s sensing your distance and is trying to reel you back in.
It’s hard to pretend.
Keep seeing the counsellor.

@yellowpigeons

He will say whatever comes to hand to get his way/control. I don't want to go to a refuge and leave the cat and all our stuff. I have to admit I feel awful though and very on the edge. Sick, really.

Pack up your important belongings and your kids' belongings bit by bit and store them at your parents' place. When you have stored all your essentials, leave him. Leave the cat...

Thank you everyone

There are fostering services for pets while people are escaping domestic abuse - I think Blue Cross has one, and in the south west there's refuge4pets. You don't have to leave your cat.

www.refuge.org.uk/get-help-now/what-about-pets/

Thank you, I’m really touched by this advice

Well, there's no way I'd leave my cat

Perhaps a friend or family member would be able to take him/her in temporarily as another option?