Baby daddy not pulling his weight

[Tiredmamaofone26872]

Hi,

Im new on here but was wondering if anyone could give me some advice as i am pulling my hair out!

My sons father hasnt worked since before my son was born up until a week ago and he is on probation. He only sees my son 5 days a month and has never contributed towards him financially. I have offered him more time with our son constantly in the past and he has refused it. When he does see him i have to do 90% of the traveling and he is constantly texting and calling to pick him up early as he apparently wont behave for him.

He has recently broken his probation and is going back to court. This is why he has now gotten a job to try make himself look better in court and is now asking for 50/50 custody of our son. I dont feel comfortable with it especially as he hasnt had him overnight in 6 months and my son has never been away from me for more then a 48 hour period. He has said countless times in the past he wants to sign over his parental rights to our son however now wants 50/50.

Due to the emotional abuse from when we were in our relationship i still find it hard to stand my ground when he goes off on one. Im just wondering if i am being unreasonable in refusing to change our current custody agreement?

he wants 50/50 why? is there a child maintenance claim going in?

Stop facilitating him.
Agree contact schedule. Stick to it. Don't travel to him. Don't discuss anything except contact and maintenance. If he wants 50/50 he can go to court for it. Bung in a cms case as well.

You need to speak to a solicitor to formalise any custody arrangements. Personally I would be going with supervised visits only. Do you have a social worker? They might be able to advise on where to get the best help. Or, as another poster advised, speak to citizens advice.

Op, get this moved to the relationships board asap. There are far fewer nasty posters there and lots of good advice.
You should communicate by email only with your ex.
You are only required to make child available for contact, not to do any travelling.
Have you claimed maintenance?
The email suggested upthread is good, as is the diary.

Thank you to the few people that have replied with nice comments. However, this will be my first and last time on mumsnet. From what i have read i thought it would be a somewhat judgement free place not somewhere that you get attacked when they dont know the whole situation. My relationship was problem free until i got pregnant. Then it changed as was extremely emotiobally abusive. I left when my son was a month old as he needed a better environment. The conviction his dad made was when my son was a year old so no i didnt have a baby with a convict so i dont feel like i have anything to apologise for or take ownership for. I dropped his custody from overnight to day time only to make sure my son was okay but i legally have to let him have some access without a court order however luckily he has never wanted more then 5 days a month. I earn to much to get legal aid to go to court but i dont earn enough to pay all the court fees. I feel completely stuck as i know if i refuse visitations he will take me to court for parental alienation

He won't get 50/50.
Tbh you'd be better off moving away from him altogether he isn't going to change.

Honestly not everyone is as unpleasant as the odd person you've encountered on this thread.

I always wonder how men like this even get females to fuck, let alone reproduce with

Ignore pp's who like to kick you when you're down.

And you don't have anything to apologise for, agreed.

Op, you’re obviously doing your best for your son. Ignore the horrible comments and just keep putting your son first. Good luck.

"Yes absolutely yes I'd love for you to be able to progress to doing that but since you've seen him 5 times in 6 months and those times you asked me to deliver him AND you asked me to pick him up early on 3 occasions I don't think you can do that.

I'm really pleased you want to contribute financially now for the first time so I will open a case with CMS. You don't have to do anything they will just take it out your wages.

If you do want to progress towards 50/50 time then (kids name) is available for you to pick up at 9am Saturday until you drop off at 6pm. If you're able to manage that for a few weeks perhaps you can have them Sunday for lunch too. Unfortunately since you've never had him overnight it will take a while for you to build up to being able to manage him overnight. Let me know about Saturday ASAP"

@Tiredmamaofone26872

Thank you to the few people that have replied with nice comments. However, this will be my first and last time on mumsnet. From what i have read i thought it would be a somewhat judgement free place not somewhere that you get attacked when they dont know the whole situation. My relationship was problem free until i got pregnant. Then it changed as was extremely emotiobally abusive. I left when my son was a month old as he needed a better environment. The conviction his dad made was when my son was a year old so no i didnt have a baby with a convict so i dont feel like i have anything to apologise for or take ownership for. I dropped his custody from overnight to day time only to make sure my son was okay but i legally have to let him have some access without a court order however luckily he has never wanted more then 5 days a month. I earn to much to get legal aid to go to court but i dont earn enough to pay all the court fees. I feel completely stuck as i know if i refuse visitations he will take me to court for parental alienation

OP please don't worry about the trolls on here. Remember, it says so much about the types of people they are, and nothing about you. They're very clearly just miserable people, because happy people don't feel the need to tear others down and make them feel bad about themselves.

You sound like a wonderful mother who is just doing what she can for her son. Do you have family/friends for support? Please DM me if you need someone to talk to. I hate the think anyone should feel alone, especially when raising a child, as it's already tough enough.

Also, there are so many lovely people on this site, but the horrible few really do give it a bad name, sadly.

You posted on aibu, this is not exactly the place to get “support” post on lone patents/ relationships/ parenting or one of the other boards, aibu isnt really a support board

@TurnUpTurnip

You posted on aibu, this is not exactly the place to get “support” post on lone patents/ relationships/ parenting or one of the other boards, aibu isnt really a support board

She's new - a lot of people coming here for the first time don't know that.

It sounds like your Sons father,is not suitable as a proper Father, well in the way that you describe him that is. I am not familiar with child access and courts etc, but surely the courts can assess this man, and decide on something that gives you a good outcome. It sounds as though your child will not be that familiar with his father anyway, from what you say.

He needs to do a lot more before he could be a 50/50 dad, doesn't he? You are doing all the running around; he asks you to collect early and doesn't contribute financially. He needs to start behaving like a father and actually realize it's a lifetime commitment, and he has to be consistent and put the baby first. Otherwise, no I wouldn't do 50/50 at the moment!

@MadMadMadamMim

You are not unreasonable. I would send one text/email saying, It is not in Child's best interests to change the current arrangements to 50:50. Despite my offering more contact in the past you have never managed more than 5 days per month, you have never managed to financially contribute anything, you have relied on me to facilitate your contact by doing the travelling and you have frequently asked me to pick Child up early because you cannot cope. I am uncomfortable that this request comes just as you have broken your probation and cannot feel that this is the best time to suggest more contact with a vulnerable Child.

Be factual and unemotional.

I think this is excellent advice. If he persists, tell him he is welcome to go to court. Bet your bottom dollar he can’t be arsed/hasn’t the wherewithal or funds. Given his apparent uselessness as a father, I would stop trying to force him to be a better parent.

Ignore the posters asking why you had a baby with him: what were you supposed to do? Not have him? Give him away? Nobody knows the full story, maybe the baby was a beautiful accident. Don’t be put off using mumsnet by some idiots.

She's new - a lot of people coming here for the first time don't know that.

Doesn't give anyone carte blanche to be a dick.

You play the game. Start by setting out the contact you have at the moment in writing - dates and times. Tell him if he stick to it for a month then you can increase contact then next month. Show him a plan of how you would increase contact. If he doesnt stick to fists months plan make it clear contact will not be increasing

Explain you need to build contact as he hasn't much experience with the baby. Also slam in for child maintenance