Mother pretended I was adopted

[VanillaRex]

In the past few years, my relationship with my mother has become quite strained. We used to get on really well but I feel like since having my own child, a lot of memories from my childhood have resurfaced and I'm finding it hard to forgive her for these things.

Some examples:

• she made up a whole story that I was adopted. Fake names for who my real parents were, planted letters from my birth mum for me to find and read, gave me her address. I was very young - maybe 7 or 8. It went on for a long time & I didn't believe her initially but obviously started to doubt this and it only ended once it was clear I found it very distressing.

• would comment on my weight/body a lot. She would tease me about not developing breasts pre puberty and then as I got older, she would often accuse me of being pregnant as I 'had a belly' I didn't, I was a very slim child/teen.

• She told me that she'd visited a psychic who gave her reads on all of her children. She said the psychic had told her that I would 'never be happy in life' this was repeated to me many times over the years and I feel like this has stuck with me. I come back to it whenever I have something going on in my life and it hangs over me no matter how ridiculous I know this is.

• She confessed to me after her divorce from my father that he had 'done something terrible, so bad that if she told me I would never want to speak to him ever again' but then refuses to tell me what it is. I used to ask a lot over the years but eventually had to let it drop. My mind used to go into overdrive worrying about what it could be. At one stage I was genuinely scared he'd murdered someone and was afraid of him (he had form for being violent so not a stretch.) This started from when I was maybe 12/13 years old.

She paints herself out to be such a good mum, loving and caring about her children but there's just so many things that stick with me that have now created this distance between us. These are just a few in a long list of things that I can recall. I know that if I brought up how I felt she would be dismissive and say she was joking or defend herself in some way.

I don't really know why I'm posting or what I'm asking but I'm wondering if I perhaps need some therapy to deal with the things that still bother me? Is it possible to ever recover the relationship do you think? I'm not even sure what I'd like the outcome to be.

Thanks for listening

That is psychological abuse OP and yes you need therapy.

You can self refer to NHS services or is there a possibility of laying privately? If so, research a therapist on BACP. You need someone who specialises in childhood trauma and abuse.

Bloody hell, those are all horrible and terrible things to do to a child.

I would be very careful if allowing her access or influence that could enable her to get inside your own kids’ heads with any of that kind of stuff.

So sorry you grew up with that. The ‘jinxed life’ thing must be hard to shake off. But of course growing up with someone who plays mind games, undermines your self-esteem with ‘body ‘ comments etc will tend to make that a self-fulfilling prophecy.

It is really good that you are looking back on this stuff and seeing it in a new light.

It may well be beneficial to talk it all through with a counsellor.

Are you on the ‘Stately Homes’ threads?

She's abused you horribly OP I'm so sorry.

You don't need therapy ---- but you absolutely and utterly deserve it to help you process this.

Therapy would be a good move I think.
You need to talk to someone about this terrible behaviour.
Your mother tormented you for her own entertainment.

I'm sorry OP

Dreadful through and through. I can understand why it’s triggering once you have your own children.
My own mother did loads of very harmful antics like this. Sending hate mail to people. Lying. Always painting herself as the victim when she was the perpetrator.
I could go on and on. I’ve done a mixture of no contact and low contact. Sounds dreadful but now she has a life limiting condition and I take comfort from the fact she has lost or is losing her power. Her carers have told me the dreadful things she says to them telling that they are ugly, fat, stupid or whatever. Exactly the kind of abuse she would dish out to me if she could.
I wonder if your mother is a narcissist or possibly with borderline personality. I certainly think that of my own mother. Sympathies from me. You can’t win with someone as toxic as that so are best off keeping well away and protecting your self and your own DC.

She is the one who destroyed the relationship. You were an innocent child who she relentlessly abused. None of it was your fault. If you can access therapy, it might help but do be very wary as some therapists really don't seem to "get" family psychological abuse. Watch out for anyone trying to minimize the abuse or side with the abuser.

Oh my goodness, what did I just read 😱 what a terrible thing to do to your child!

This is awful abuse and you need to cut her out of your life if it's still ongoing not to mention seek therapy for what she has done to you.

I'm so sorry op, that's awful behaviour from her.

This is not normal in the slightest you do need help to process and work out how you want the relationship (or not) to continue. It may mean you decide to have some relationship but has to be on your terms with strict boundaries. So you can protect yourself and the kids as much as possible.

Horrendous behaviour- what awful abuse you endured She sounds totally unhinged.

I would be cutting her off completely or if you arent ready for that minimising my own contact and 100% my child wouldnt be within a 10 mile radius of her!!!! She will weaponise and use your child against you.

What is your relationship like with your siblings?
Whats her relationship like with them?

Don't beat yourself up for not forgiving her, she doesn't deserve it
Focus on you and overcoming what she put you through. I would never see her again. She can't be trusted and, imo, will always try to hurt you

Absolutely appalling. I thought you were going to say she’d joked you were adopted but she’s actually gone to hideous lengths to convince you of it. It sounds like she’s psychologically tortured you. What a bitch.

She has major issues, sorry man. No way you should expose your kids to it. Going NC with my mother was the best thing I ever did and she wasn't as unhinged as you've described.

Thank you everyone, it's actually quite upsetting to read some of your replies as I feel like this kind of confirms my own thoughts and feelings, IYSWIM.

These behaviours from her stopped when I became an adult. I was kicked out when I was 16 so we spent a lot less time around each other and I think she moved onto my siblings.

I never really felt like it was a big deal (although it clearly upset me at the time) but I did have issues around self-esteem, confidence and trust as a young adult and probably now to an extent. I also have a lot of body confidence issues and have had disordered behaviours towards food in the past.

I think becoming a mum myself has really shone a light on my past and I could never even begin to imagine treating my own child this way. I think that's why it's now upsetting me so much. I just find a lot of the things she did unforgivable. She always blamed me as being a difficult child and I even apologised to her for being hard work when I was in my early 20s. (Nothing crazy, I was often late home, answered back to her, lied about what I was up to - typical teenage stuff) but I see now that it wasn't really all on me and she treated me awful at times.

I do think therapy for these issues is what I need. I have had some before for separate concerns but I think the core of my problems is needing to accept my past in some way.

I will check out the Stately Homes thread, thanks for the tip.

I’m sorry OP but that’s just horrendous. No parent should behave that way to a child. Really think therapy might help.

@Babymamamama I'm sorry you also had a difficult relationship with your mother.

Wow, lot of gaslighting there. The adoption story is bizarre. How bored and crazy is she?

I've spent the last 18 months in therapy because of my parents and I recommend it. I have managed to hold on to my sanity when my parents have dismissed all of my 'truth' to grudges and accusations. In 18 months they haven't got it yet.

They now want to make up but they are the ones who threw themselves up on the cross, the victims of me, and were surprised when 18 months later I was still just standing behind my own truth and not coming back to them saying sorry!

So I would advise not bothering to raise any of these specific incidents with her. Her reaction will no doubt re-open the wounds and rub salt in them.

She sounds even more distanced from reality than my own parents who also have a very rosy perception of themselves.

Then talk it all out with a therapist.

And go lower contact. And emotionally detach. And heal.

I'm at the point now where my parents think we've patched things up but they minimise my pain to an ''accusation''. They are literally incapable of understanding that they caused me pain. My mother referred to it as a grudge before (even though it had never ever been addressed or discussed, so if I understand the word grudge correctly, it cannot be a grudge!)'

I just don't know if I can go back in to the lion's den knowing that they still see the pain they caused me as a ''grudge'' and an accusation.

Telling them was so pointless. Their defence mechanisms are so effective that they are literally protected from their character flaws by the defence mechanisms that make everything my fault.

Part of my original gripe was that I was a scapegoat, and that has continued through this estrangement. The way their minds work, nothing can be their fault.

I regret trying to make them understand.

I hope that helps.

xx

@LivingLaVidaBabyShower

Horrendous behaviour- what awful abuse you endured She sounds totally unhinged.

I would be cutting her off completely or if you arent ready for that minimising my own contact and 100% my child wouldnt be within a 10 mile radius of her!!!! She will weaponise and use your child against you.

What is your relationship like with your siblings?
Whats her relationship like with them?

I have a good relationship with my siblings - one doesn't really open up that much but is low contact with our mother and the other is very open about similar experiences growing up but is still in contact like me. We speak about our experiences often and it makes me sad how difficult childhood has been for all of us.

My father was also violent and controlling which my mother did try to protect us from when we were younger but these behaviours from her continued long after they separated.

I think it's absolutely appalling that she threw you out at 16. My DC are 18 and 15 and even the 18 year old, I'd be terrified if she was out looking for somewhere to live.

If your mother acts like the world's most deserving grandma and tries to guilt you in to colluding with her perception of herself, remember that; she threw you out at 16.

@vanillarex This was definitely abusive and therapy with a good therapist would really help you (it has me). Sometimes you just need to work through and process some of these things that have happened.

I think it's really common for these feelings to be triggered when you become a parent as it brings home to you how abnormal it was for a mother to treat her child this way.

I'm not sure how easy it is to fix a relationship with someone who would treat a child in the way your mother has treated you. It may be that she is not capable of a proper relationship, but you can definitely learn ways to cope with it and not to repeat patterns with your own children.

I've found this book useful:
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents

Tbh I think the sibling who is low contact with your mum has it right.

This was nit normal or acceptable.

I agree, keep contact as low as possible.

My children were older when my mother threw herself up on the cross and did the text book DARVO on me. Deny, attack, reverse victim offender. But she carried on inivting my DC over and said things like ''is your mother very stressed?'' trying to plant seeds in their heads that I was stressed. ie, what I said to them had no basis in how they behaved. I said it because I was stressed. Like I have no judgement and on perception at all. That's not possible.

I am like you, having a baby made me examine my relationship with my parents. To much to go into now, but the outcome is that I now have a very superficial relationship with them. My son is nearly 18 and on the verge of being an adult. This new stage of life has also made me look back and realise that my parents really were shit.
The sad thing is that my mum would be utterly devastated if she knew this was how I felt.
I haven't tried to resolve it with them, as far as they are concerned they did no wrong. So I keep it all very low key, very superficial and then they can't hurt me any more

''She always blamed me as being a difficult child and I even apologised to her for being hard work when I was in my early 20s.''

This is so classic. My parents have this perception that I'm difficult but the truth is I was too trusting, I was the world's biggest people pleaser. If I ever expressed my own interpretation of events, or ever tried to resolve a conflict with conversation, I was difficult.

They wanted to be able to label me (paranoid, difficult) but if I objected to those labels I was ''sensitive'' and ''angry''.

So it was just carved in stone; respect our right to label you paranoid and difficult.

I'm glad I've unravelled it all. My therapist saw me ever second week luckily as cost wise, that was better for me.

Was your mum adopted herself?
I ask because my DM was the product.of an affair. Her mum was married and had 3 other children (2 older one younger) all with her husband but my mum was the odd one out.
From around the age of 5 she was brought up by an aunt instead.
This affected her mental health badly. She then lost her first baby (he was stillborn) and she struggled to bond with me and my sister.
I was the image of my father, my sister much more like our mum.
DM loved to tell my sister and my dad that she wasn't his (DNA test in adulthood proved she was) This went on throughout childhood. She would leave me out of shopping days and things, she only wanted my sister.
My dad started taking me to football and I loved it, but it made for a horrible his and hers divide down the family which we didn't understand growing up. My sister felt like.dad didn't want to include her where as I felt like.mum didn't want to include me...
There were a lot of other things too including her drinking daily but I won't take over your thread OP.
I just wondered if perhaps her own upbringing had caused her some emotional trauma which she then played out on you?? I'm not saying that excuses what she did, but if something like.that were the route of it all then you could confront her with her behaviour and say she needs therapy or something to.deal.with it.
However if it was just done out of cruelty then for your own wellbeing it would be better to.walk away. And even if there is a reason for it all, if you have to walk away for your own wellbeing then do and don't look back!
I tried for many years with my mum but her behaviour worsened (as did her drinking).
By the time my kids were born I put more distance between us and she died a few years later due to severe liver damage.

Both your parents here have failed you and your siblings utterly. On top of all the abuse you suffered at their hands and from her after your dad left, she further threw you out at sixteen.

I am glad to read that your siblings and you are in contact with each other.

You absolutely do need therapy and I would have a look at the BACP website. Your child and you need to stay well away from your mother because she has not changed in all the years since. I daresay there's been no apology (such would not be meant anyway) nor any responsibility for her actions.